Living in my Black Fog: I think I have found a solution I feel happy with

I have been up all night. I don't sleep much anymore. So I am in my livingroom. My tv screen has the northern lights. Serene,... peaceful,... all the things I don't seem to feel right now. So I try and fake it with different YouTube ambience scenes. Maybe I can trick my mind into thinking I am there,...

I don't usually write this early in the morning. But after I got my cremation package completed, I started thinking about my decision to scatter my ashes. I just don't like that I will feel so alone with no real ties to me after my ashes are scattered. My twin sons will be in the infant section so that is some comfort that we are atleast in the same cemetery. But I still feel no attachment to anyone there.

I was adopted and in the end both families rejected me, which is why I am alone right now. As you get to this stage in life when you start to think of your end of life care, you start to really think of your life ~ existentially. The bigger picture. Where did you really come from? And where are they buried?

For me the big question is "where do I belong?". And sadly, in my heart, I don't feel I belong anywhere. My life has had a lot of turmoil, sadness and tragedy. I moved every 2 years like a gypsy never settling down. I felt as if I wandered through life trying to belong somewhere but everywhere I went,... families were already full. They didn't need another member. So I became the once or twice a year 'relative' but had no real 'connection' to anyone. I thought I was genuinely close to my Aunt D, but in the end, she was just being nice too and didn't really want me. It seemed everyone kept me at arms length with noone letting me in. I spent my life alone looking to belong. Sadly,... I never found where that was.

A few years ago I did my ancestry, as being adopted, I didn't know my biological roots. And what I found was actually very sad. I found a line of "Holyoak" woman who seemed to all follow this exact same pattern. Moving around,.. never belonging or fitting in,... and then dying alone. But the worst thing about all of us ~ none of us has a final resting place. We all got lost in the poverty and ended up in paupers or unmarked graves. None of us with our families,... all of us alone.

Four of us (I include myself like I am already dead ~ shows my state of mind) All buried alone in an unmarked grave.

So I have had this idea simmering around in my head. What if,... what if I took all four of us women and made a memorial (headstone) with all of us on there? I myself would be buried there and my details would be on a headstone. (or plaque or memorial) and on that I would have an "in memory" (or something of that nature) with my 3 ancestors and their details on there as well. I would put:

"All alone in life,... but together in eternity,..."

So I looked into this. And some cemeteries will allow this. But to make a stronger case, I could buy a plot or niche for myself so that I could secure a plaque or headstone which would allow me to include my 3 lost ancestors. I would love to be able to remember,... valadate,... and honour them.

So that will be todays project. But I also have my first appointment with the lawyer to draw up my will. Once I have spoken with him I will have a much better idea of what I need moving forward. Will I need to hire an executor? Will I need to set up a trust fund for allocating my funds? All things I have no idea about. But hopefully by the end of today, I will have a lot of answers so I can make some final decisions. And once I have made all the decisons I can finally rest. Right now I feel anxiety until I get it all finalized.

My daughters have until one o'clock today to reach out,... and then they will be legally removed as my 'next-of-kin' with a clause removing them from every aspect of my life/death. They choose to hurt me by pushing me out and that was THEIR choose ~ not mine. All I can do is hope they reach out by this afternoon,... but I don't hold out any hope they will. Very sad how disaposable people are in this life. I am going to come out and say it,... I would have been an awesome "Meemaw" to that little girl if only I had been given the chance,...

*** sigh *** But you can't change others,... only yourself. And because of this I will go to my grave knowing I was a failure and couldn't even keep my own children. That has been a difficult realization to bear. And in the end I couldn't,...

Some people have great lives. And to those people, I wish you all a long life. But for me, I have had 25 years of lonliness,... wandering around trying to fit in,.... and it was miserable. I was rarely happy. Knowing this,... I think it's time to call it a day. I tried,... I failed,... But in the end, maybe I can do something good to make up for it. Maybe I can bring the four lost women in this family back together ~ if only on a headstone.

My mother: Diane Holyoak 1945 - 2013