Now I do things MY way

Murphy woke me up at 4:45am this morning. He has not recovered as well as I had hoped from his surgery. Molly is fine. She recovered completely within 24 hours and is back to her old self. But Murphy,... I don't know what is wrong. He is quiet and very clingy. All he wants to do is cuddle on my lap. I can't put my finger on exactly what is wrong. But the sparkle in his eye isn't there. I am taking him to the vet today at 2 o'clock. It hurts my heart to see him so pasive and quiet.

My meetings yesterday both went well. Meadowvale cemetery has sent me over a bunch of suggestions to look through. I have narrowed it down to 2 options. I am really liking this new idea of bringing all the Holyoak women who were displaced in life ~ together in death. It gives me peace that we will finally all be together.

But the cost! Wow,... for me to do this it is going to be about $20 or $30,000.00. Can you believe that? THATS how much it cost to bury someone nowadays. And I'm not even having a funeral. But at this point I don't care about the money. This money I received is slowly becoming an albatross around my neck. It wasn't enough to buy property so I could escape the system. It wasn't enough to buy a car that I would be able to maintain forever,... I could purchase the car,... but wouldn't be able to financially maintain it. So even though I have this money ~ I am learning that this world is so expensive that even this amount can't help me in my situation. It has loosened my spending belt which has been nice. I no longer have to decide rent or groceries each month anymore ~ I can afford to do both now. Which has been nice. But to help this miserable situation I am in??? Not enough,... I am still stuck in the system and always will be.

So this money isn't really any good to me as it can't get me what I really want and need. However,... it can buy me a cremation and burial. And at this point I dont' give a shit how much it costs. I will blow it all. Where else can i spend it?

I want to rent a cottage ~ no transportation to get there

I want to travel ~ but I can't get a passport as I have noone to sign for me

I want to travel in Canada ~ but you need a car

I want to get my drivers licence back ~ can't get to Guelph and the places I need to go to do this

I AM STUCK

So I may as well take this money and blow it,....

I will buy the biggest and nicest headstone I can buy. WASTE this money on granite.

I still can't believe that in this day and age,... the amount of money I received cannot help me. It just isn't enough anymore. Ten years ago I would have been able to buy a small house and live happily ever after,... but nowadays, what I received wouldn't even be enough for a down payment on a house. it won't even buy me a car (as I wouldn't be able to afford to maintain it). So in the end,... it was kind of cruel. Here have all this money!!! But when I sit down and budget and try and make plans, I realize it just isn't enough in 2025. All it did was get my hopes up that I could escape only to bring me back down to earth with a thud realizing I'm not going anywhere. So in the end this settlement money did not help me get out of this shit show called 'the system'

So I am going to blow the money. I have already spent over $3000 on Molly and Murphy with all their vet bills. I have to admit it feels good to be able to give these 2 kittens everything they need. (Infact, they have much better care than I do.)

I blew more on my 'end of life' plans. Hitting about $25,000 for that.

And i will figure out how to go on vacation. I dont have a car which is making it really hard. Canada is vast and you cna't just take a bus to Muskoka to rent a cottage for the summer. You need a car. But I am determined so I will find somewhere to go for the summer to get away from 'the compound' here. I can't tell you how fed up I am of the bullying, the gossiping,... the general immature playground games,... it's relentless and I just can't take it anymore.

I will do whatever it takes to escape this building and the nasty Tonyas that are in it. Unfortuantely it looks like the only way for me to do this is to die. But if thats what it takes,.... then it will be done. I refuse to be TONYA HALLS little bitch so she and all her little minions have a game to play,.... This woman is never going to leave me alone so I have to take drastic steps to get the fuck out of here.

You may ask yourself,... How bad is this bitch that you would kill yourselfto escape her,.... yes ,.... it's that fucking bad. I WOULD RATHER BE DEAD than be her little target. My life is miserable already. SHE just makes it unbearable.

And to my daughters: I wanted nothing but a life with my two girls. But apparently I am too hard and difficult to be in your life. Your choice. But I can't sit waiting for you both to change your minds. I have waited over 25 years but I get nothing but texts. All misconstrued when read so that you hate me.

I can't change that. I have tried but neither one of you is honestly willing to give it a real chance. You came to me at arms length already hating me. I never felt like you loved me. I always felt like you were keeping me at arms length and only with me as an obligation as I am your mother.

THAT ENDED YESTERDAY

I started the ball rolling legally removing you both from my life. If you can't see it in your heart to extend an olive branch (I even offered to do therapy with Hayley) but neither one of you really wants to.

The one event I looked forward to the most after the birth of you two girls was the birth of my grandchild. THAT WAS TAKEN FROM ME. It didn't have to be that way. Noone even sat me down to say they were mad or upset!!!!! I had no clue anything was wrong. I wa so excited for that babies birth. So when I was told I was being banned from it all - I was not only SHOCKED but devastated.

I never got over that

So I realize my girls never did want me. They are never coming back. And if this is the case,... then lets just make it legal. And that is what I am in the process of doing. There is no legal process in Canada that allows parents to emancipate themselves from their child. But I can remove them from any legal rights they have after my death.

This is not what I want. It never was. I have only ever wanted my children in my life. But now, after years of being told how horrible I am,... I have to stop it all. It has severly effected my mental health. It has left me with no self confidence to the point I hate myself. This is no way to live.

So if this is THEIR choice,... I am just making it legal.

PLEASE give me an olive branch girls,.... please,....

But I know it's never going to be extended. Time to cut my losses,... do what I need to do to remove them from my lfie legally,... and then they no longer have "to deal" with me. I will no longer be thieir embarrassment.

From this day forward,... I no longer have daugters. THEY can change that this week,... but sadly they don't want to.

So I will blow this money on crap. Live a life of no scrimping and budgeting and not eating becasue I couldn't afford groceries that month. Now I live like a middle class person until the money runs out. (6 months????) and then,......

well,... noone needs to know what "then" means. if you didn't care while I was living,.... then fuck you ~ you don't care to know when I die too then,...

I asked for help ~ none came,....

NOW I DO THINGS MY WAY,.....