It's a cold one this morning. Darn,... I was hoping to get over to Walmart and get some groceries. But I dont feel like walking in minus 11* celcius. So I think I will just give it a miss. But I hope it warms up a bit soon as my cupboards are nearly bare. Story of my life,... can't get out to get what I need anymore. So frustrating.
When I woke up this morning my apartment was so cold. I don't know why my heat doesn't work very well but I can never get the temp to get higher than 22*. Normally thats fine. Infact I'm constantly opeing the windows and doors as it often gets too hot with these big windows. But once the temperatures get to minus 10* or more, the heat doesn't work so well. I had to buy one heater for the bedroom already as the heater in there doens't even work at all. But today I had to break down and order another portable heater. The joys of living in Canada I guess.
3 days until Christmas yet theres nothing going on here. I was watching "Georgie and Mandy's First Marriage" last night. Usually I enjoy this show. But last night there was a scene where there little daughter Cece is sitting on the couch with them. She is about 3. The same age as my granddaughter. Infact,... the reason this scene made me sad was I think of my granddaughter looking like that. I have never met her in real life, but I have seen pictures so I know she is a little ginger. And so is this little girl on the show. The second I saw this adorable little girl sitting on the ocuch with her family at Christmas time,... it hit me. I could see what I was missing and it hurt. It made me think of what it will be like Christmas morning with her and her parents. Just thinking about the joy they are having breaks my heart.
I'm mentally ill,... and I guess that means I don't get a granddaughter and a joyous Christmas morning. And that is a pain I can't even describe. I miss my family,... I miss all the Christmas mornings we used to have. All gone now,... just memories,... because apparently thats all mentally ill people deserve. We're monsters,.... we don't deserve a happy life,... and never is that more apparent than the holidays. Watching the world enjoy this season is very difficult. Knowing my family is celebrating without me is just too painful today. But the worst pain of all is knowing your not there because your family thinks your a monster,....
I wished we could just skip these next few weeks and I could just wake up in January and it would all be over,...
I put EVERYTHING I had into Christmas for my family. But I guess it wasn't enough,... I guess I'm still a monster,...
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