I miss people,...

I'm still not completely sure how I lost every single person in my life going to BC but I did. I had one friend even do a formal 'break up' with me once I got back home. In her true kind style she did it with class and tact but let me tell you - the punch was the same no matter how it got delivered. She was cutting all ties with me. My trip to BC did her in. Ditto for every other friend - but one (Thank youTrish,...).

I went through hell in BC. And I know I did wrong. But I didnn't think it would cause me to literally get 'cancelled'. Friends on Facebook un-friended me. My 'handful of angels'? No longer get in touch and haven't for quite some time. They all hated that I threatened fentanyl and decided to let me go,... fair enough. But it has left me DEVASTATED. I was literally cancelled when I got back. People openly let me know they wanted nothing more to do with me. Again,... I get it,... I'm not the easiest person to love I think. You know,... the mentally ill monster thing,....

It is another long weekend here in Canada. And i am once again, alone. It makes me so sad. 

I wa traumatized in BC. I am not going to talk about how and why but I still haven't dealt with it. I was spiralling while there and desperate and did things I usually wouldn't have done. Like Beg,... and ask for help,... and threaten suicide if I couldn't get off the street. BUT I TRIED MY BEST.

I guess when you fuck up that badly ~ people don't give you a second chance. But it's sad because right now is the time I need my family and friends the most. But they have stayed away. 

People like me are just fuck ups. 

Today,... while looking for something, I came across some stuff on my Holyoak family. It made me realize just how much I miss my Aunt Doreen and my cousin Tania. But they don't want anything to do with me. Noone does,...

And today,... I am feeling a very deep sadness for all the loses. SOOooo many loses,....

I miss everyone. But people dont forgive fuck ups like me. They just move on. 

And I spend yet another long weekend alone

20 years ago,... I had everyone in my life. Now,... I have noone,...

Completely on my own.

Alone.

I now have my "Maggie~May" watching over me everyday,...

 

Sidelined with an injury

 I am hurt. I think it happened during my marathon walk into town this week. I have fibromyalgia normally so pain is an everyday thing for me. I have learned that I just have to put my head down and plow through the pain if I am to have any kind of a life. So when I woke up the next morning after my long walk in pain I didn't think anything of it. That is normal for me. Any over exertion I do, I always pay for it for the next few days. But this is different. This I think is an actual injury. 

I have 2 torn rotator cuffs that I was suppose to have fixed surgically many years ago. But no doctor,... so no surgery,... so no relief. And now, I have damaged the right shoulder even more. I think it was all the pushing of my walker all around town with heavy stuff piled up on it. The ground is never even or smooth and pushing that damn walker is not easy at times. I think I have reefed my shoulder out. Now,... it is in so much pain I can't move it. I can't move my shoulder at all. Last night I couldn't get comfortable so didn't get much sleep. This morning the pain is still bad. Today is going to be a very quiet - still day as I can barely move.

So I am sat here watching my "Skote Outdoors" on Youtube. The off-grid couple from Newfoundland I enjoy so much. Every Sunday they put out a Youtube video of their life off-grid. THIS is what I would LOVE to be doing. But at 62 and so many physical problems - that life is not available to me. So instead I watch others.

If I had it my way,... I would move to either coast. BC or the maritimes and buy a tiny house. You know the kind you see on Youtube. There is a whole community of people who buy and live in these tiny micro houses. I would love to do that,... but ***sigh*** I will never get that chance. I live in "the system" and once your in the system you never get out. I know,... because I have tried. And I only get sucked right back into this place. It's like it owns you and will never let you go,....

But in the end it's all a dream. I won't be moving anywhere. I am trapped in this prison in "The Compound". Never getting out,....

But oh how I wish I could just leave here. Take only what I need and just walk away,...

I watch so many youtube videos of people doing what I want to do,...

But my disability and no car prevents me from doing any of it,...

My life is never doing,... only dreaming,.... and that makes me really sad.

How I would kill to have a lakefront cabin. A dog and a cat,... and no people,....

One can only dream,... because we know it will never happen,... :(

Before the money runs out

I have decided that I need a vacation. This past year has been a lot! And I haven't been able to decompress while living here in this building. Just too much drama. And THAT is what I need,... to decompress. Time to completely relax and feel safe and just let go so I can properly processs everything that has happened over the past year. I desperately need to get away from here for a week or two. But heres the challenge. With no car,... where can you go? It can't be a flashy expensive holiday. I only have a couple thousand dollars left from my settlement. But I do have enough to allow me to get away for a few days and just decompress. Escape this enviroment even if just for a short time.

The problem is no transportation. Without a car, it is difficult to go anywhere. Especially to places too far for a regular taxi. I need somewhere I can go that is on a bus or train line. Being homeless taught me how to travel with a walker and a suitcase so I know I can do it. What I need is a place that allows for this travel.

Thinking caps on!!!

I prefer small resort nature holidays rather than beaches and sunbathing. I would love to rent a cottage but the logistics are much too complicated. So I think I would need a place that offers either a package deal with all included or a nice Hotel or resort that I can get to on a bus or train. Do resorts offer bus travel from larger cities? I can get myself to Toronto or Guelph,...

I just need rest away from drama,... I would love to do it over Christmas but every Canadian knows that winter travel is precarious and can get cancelled at the last minute due to weather. I would prefer to go before the snow arrives. 

But where???

Manchester England to go to a game? (Had to throw that dream in there even though I know it will never happen,...)

Niagara-on-the-lake? Niagara Falls? Collingwood? I know there are many places out there,... I just have to find them.

If I can navigate British Columbia homeless on my own,... I can have a nice vacation on my own,...

I just need a way to get there,....

The reaon he scares me so much is,...

 Darren Green is not a big man. Infact he is only about 5 foot 3 and a hundred pounds soaking wet. But despite his small stature he scares the living shit out of me. This has been on my mind and I just have to get this off my chest. Why? Becasue even though I told housing what he did - they didn't even bother getting back to me. And it's been weeks now since Mark accousted me in the gazebo. So this tells me that housing doesn't care,... they don't want to get involved,... so noone is going to help me.

It was another woman in this building who pointed out to me what she feels the problem is. And after hearing waht she said,... I think she is 100% right.

Darren is a pot head. He smokes all forms of thc all day long. Flower,... shatter,...wax,... budder,...rosin,... oils,... he does nothing but ingest thc all day. I may be a weed smoker. But I don't consider myself a "stoner" I smoke about 8 bong bowls a day for my pain at about 4 or 4 hour intervals. So it's basically my pain medication and I take it like I would take pain medication. One or two bong hits every 4 to 6 hours. Darren,... on the other hand,... LIVES for thc. And I think he has so much thc in his system that it is overloaded and it has made him paranoid. At first I thought that was ridiculous. But she explained that this hatred of me after 2 years is not NORMAL. He obviously does not know how to let things go. I never think about him at all unless I am confronted with him infront of me. And even then we just walk by each other and nothing is ever said. Glares of hatred are shown,... but that is the extent of it. 

Trust me ~ Darren Green is the last thing on my mind. I am not plotting on revenges,... I am not even thinking about him. Yet this woman - from what she has heard through the grapevine - is that Darren is so high all the time that he is literally paranoid that I am after him. He STILL thinks - after over 2 years - that I am out to get him. This is laughable and ridiculous. He scares me and I want NOTHING to do with him and I do everything in my power to avoid him.

YET - He sicks his 6 foot 7 friend on me telling me to stop comin g out to the gazebo when they are in there. (By the way, I can't see who is in the gazebo when I leave my apartment - I can only see once I am out of my unit) I was going out to the gazebo on MY schedule, I didn't even THINK about Darren.

But this woman has heard that Darren thinks I do it on purpose, That I wait for him to go out there and then I go out there just to annoy him. I was actually called "an abusive bitch' for doing this. These men seriously believe I am plotting to bother them.

THIS is exactly why I am so scared of Darren Green. He is so paranoid he will never believe that I don't even think about him. He truly believes I am 'after' him to annoy him. What a conceded asshole.

DARREN GREEN I BARELY EVEN REMEBER YOU ARE ALIVE - so get over the paranoia. But this is why I am scared. Darren Green will NEVER get over this. As long as I am living in this building - he will never let this go and I will always have to deal with this. I am already 'banned' from the gazebo because THEY apparently own it and I'm not allowed in. Which puts me at risk of eviciton as I have nowhere to smoke now but INSIDE my unit.

Darren Green will never leave me alone. But when he sicked his friend MARK on me after over TWO YEARS!!!!! That tells me I live rent free in his head and always will.

How can I escape this man. He never does anything himself. He is a coward. So he lies about me to make others hate me. Not much of a man if you ask me. He is so paranoid that he thinks I care about a fight we had over 2 years ago

FOR FUCK SAKES DARREN - LET IT THE FUCK GO

So there is no way I will ever be happy living in this building. I did not go to BC on a whim. I was miserable here and NEEDED to get the fuck out. To find myself right back here in the hatred??? I just can't be bothered.

Darren Green will never change and he makes my life hard becasue of it.

Who the fuck does he think he is that he can dicgtate WHO goes into that gazebo and when,.... get a life Darren.

Just leave me alone. STOP thinking I am out to get you. I am not. I don't even care if you live or die and if I had it my way, I would never have to see you ever again. And YOU do not have the authority to decide who smokes in the gazebo and who doesn't. To sick your giant on me is just proof of you being a coward.

I wont' go out to the gazebo anymore. Becasue these two men are unpredictable and scary. I want NOTHING TO DO WITH EITHER ONE OF THEM.

THIS is why I will never thrive or even be happy in this building. They won't let me.

What do you suggest I do? I let housing know - no help there. Not even a phone call or email back,... just crickets,....

If I am to stand any chance of surviving - I HAVE to get the fuck out of this toxic building. But that will never happen as there is no other place to go. I am trapped. Miserable. And dare I say - I really dont' feel safe here.

Darren Green will never leave me alone. 

It's game day

It's done. I finally got the laptop in the mail. Infact I got a couple of things done yesterday that have left me feeling much better. The anxiety of all these things I had to do but was having trouble doing them was leaving me really stressed. I don't do well with stress. Yesterday was a shit show that I'm not even going to get into. Everything went wrong making the errands a pain in the ass. BUT THEY ARE DONE. And I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

However, while walking into town - the Canada Disability Benefit people phoned me. I couldn't help him as I was walking right beside the road. He kept asking me for figures and stuff that I didn't have. So I asked him to call me back later that day. I told him how it's taken me weeks to get through to them on the phone so I asked him to PLEASE phone ME back so I don't have to sit on hold for another hour. He said he would ~ but never did. What is with these organziations never calling people back!? Whatever,... at this point I don't even care about this benefit. They either give it to me or they don't and I have no control over that. But I am NOT making one more fucking phone call to sit on hold for over an hour,..... if they don't call me back,... I just give up on this benefit.

I am tired of having to jump through hoops to PROVE how poor I am,... I think I walked over 10 km yesterday,.... what a fucking life. 

Anyway,.... so in the end I didn't really get that errand done - did I? Why is life such a fucking hassle?

But today is game day. So I have gotten up and made a consious decision to start fresh today. Put all the frustration of yesterday behind me and start again. So I am sat here watching my game. I got up early again. I don't know why but I can't sleep past 6 most mornings. I hate that as it makes my day very, very long. My days are spent trying to fill up the hours to keep myself from going insane from the boredom of being trapped in this tiny apartment with nothing to do. No money to do anything or go anywhere,... so i try and fill my days the best I can. I clean. I watch tv,... but that is the extent of my life.

I am bored out of my fucking mind!!!!!!

I need stuff to do. I need to keep busy. I am not built to sit and do nothing,... it is eating me up alive just sitting here rotting.

I am just so miserable at how my life ended up.

People need other people. Being alone is just too hard,....

I really just need to die. I can't handle living like this anymore.

I am a worhtless piece of shit nobody cares about and noone wants around. So why am I suffering staying here?

I really,... I mean I really just need to go now,.....

I hate having to walk 10 fucking km just to get shit done - too tired of the struggle anymore

I couldn't get out yesterday. The weather has changed. It rained all day. Since I got back from BC, I still have not bought myself a jacket. I gave them away before I left as I didn't have room to bring them. Now I am left with no coats. Winter is approaching and I dont' even own a winter coat. Not even a fall jacket,... just my football hoodies. So if the weather is the least bit cold, I can't go out.

I have been trying to send this broken laptop back to Amazon. But between pain (just not feeling well enough to do all that walking) or weather has prevented me from getting anything done. How I wish I had a car and driver at my disposal for just one day. I could get everything that is on my long list done all at once. But since I don't have a car or someone to drive me around, I have to walk everywhere. I am turning 62 in a week and I just can't do all this walking anymore.

But I have no choice today. Rain or not,... I have to get this laptop sent back. I have to walk to the library and print out the label and then walk to the post office to drop it off. I also have to go to a good sports store (the one here in Fergus is at the other end of town!) to buy a new winter coat. Living in Canada where it can get to minus 20 in the winter ~ you NEED to invest in a good warm coat as without a car I walk everywhere. I also need boots, a hat,... gloves,... everything. The list of things I gave away and need back is endless,...

So today I MUST get out. It is suppose to rain. So I will be walking over 10 kilometeres in the rain with my walker just to get shit done.

So fucking tired of the struggle,....

When I weigh the pros and cons of whether to live or die? Numerous struggles and hassles and not ONE positive to stick around,...

What would you do?

I am just so fucking tired of the struggle with no joy or happiness to make it worth the pain,...

I just don't see the point in carrying on when it's such a pain in the ass just to get basic needs.

I just don't see the point in the struggle.

Why do I continue to suffer? When it all it takes is one jump into the gorge and everything will be over,...

The pain,... the poverty,... the lonliness,... the hate,.... all gone in one leap.

Peace

I can feel that the weather is changing

 Fall is just around the corner. I can feel it. The temperature has dropped the past couple of days and with it has come rain. I have turned my air conditioning off and opened my only 2 windows. But there is a dampness that hangs over everything. The whole mood of the morning has been depressing.

I finally got 2 things done off of my list though. First I called back the Canadian Disability Benefit. The one I can't get through to and got disconnected yesterday after 78 minutes. I called them back right at 8:30 as soon as they said they opened. (So how then did I still get left on hold for over half an hour??) Anyway, I finally got through and gave them the information they needed to complete my application. I have spent months trying to get this benefit,... hours on hold. But,... they have everything they need now - so all I can do is wait,....

I also left an email for housing saying I am revoking my leaving as I have not found another place. I reiterated that I still feel unsafe living here but I have no other place to go so feel I have no choice and I'm forced to stay. Whatever,... I will most likely be evicted for non-payment of rent once my settlement money runs out in the New Year but this buys me a few more months.

Why am I fighting so hard to struggle on? It's like my head has completely given up but my body keeps fighting to go on. It's a horrible situation to be in.

I am still feeling a lot of anxiety over the laptop I have to send back to Amazon. As I write this it is all packed up ready to go back but I can't get out to get downtown to post it. I need to find a place to get a shipping label printed out (library?) and then drop it off at Canada Post. But every day something prevents me from getting downtown. Usually pain. But every day that goes by that I don't get it done I feel more anxiety. I don't do well when I am stressing. And I have done nothing but stress for far too long.

ODSP STILL hasn't called me back. I have left 3 messages over the past month but still noone has bothered to call me back. So I will NOT be spending any of the money they give me as - like last time - they will just revoke it and want it back when they see I can't give them the paperwork they are requesting. How are you suppose to deal with these agencies when they don't even call you back???? So I give up. I am just putting their money aside that they give me as they will be asking for it back. No wonder we are made to feel like invisable worthless people????? They can't even be bothered to treat you like a human. WHY don't they just call me back?????

So i sit here fighting living and dying. Life is just a struggle. The hassle of getting benefits alone leaves you feeling worthless. With no family I struggle to see the point.

This world runs on money and without it ~ your a nobody

Why would anyone even be interested in me and this blog?

 For the second time in the existense of this blog, someone has printed it out. I know because I have 900 posts over the 15-odd years I have been writing it and yesterday, I got just over 900 post reads. Not visitors,... that was only a small amount. But someone either read and/or printed out this whole entire blog.

Why?

As I have mentioned on here numerous times. I am not a blogger. I am not chasing likes and subscriptions. I started this blog because microsoft stopped loading windows with word so I had nowhere to write anymore. So I had to find another platform. Blogging sites were perfect. I originally had a very small following. Mostly other mental health sufferers. Hardly anyone left comments. To me it was just a place to write.

Then last year I noticed someone had printed out this blog. At first I wasn't worried. Just curious. In the end it was my liar neighbour Tonya. She had printed it out and SENT IT TO HOUSING to try and get them to evict me. I can't tell you how low that was. To use someones mental health blog against them to try and make them homeless. I was shocked at just how far that woman had gone to hurt me. But other than that day, I have a steady, consistant following and my stats stay relatively the same everyday with very little change. That tells me I probobly have a handful of daily readers. 

But yesterday I had almost 1000 blog reads with only 38 visitors. Interesting. So now I have to wonder what is coming down the pipes in the future. Has someone - upset that I vent about them on here - printed this out and is going to sue me for slander? In this building that is highly likely. And I have an idea who. 

WHY ELSE would anyone read over 900 of my posts? They had to be printing it out.

Let me say again why this blog even exists. I am not a blogger. I use this blog to vent. I am alone in life. I find each morning, with my coffee, I vomit everything that is on my mind. That way, I am not fretting about it throughout the day. I have 'released' it. It is my therapy,... my medatation,...

Over the years I have seen other mental health sufferers read it. Which I was fine with. If others can see that I struggle in life so badly with this illness just like them? Then maybe they won't feel so alone.

It wasn't until i moved into this building that 'mainstream' people found it and used it as their 'gossip' source. It really hurt me that anyone would take my innermost feelings and my daily struggle with mental illness and use it as 'recreation' to play their head-games. I never dreamed anyone would sink so low. But they did. Many of them in this building. And it ruined this blog for me completely.

And now,... someone else is interested in it again. WHY?

I live my life in 'survival' mode now. Life is hard,... hopeless,... and I just want to be left alone to be miserable alone. Why does anyone care about my life?

So with a heavy sigh I wait,... what is coming to hurt me?

Honestly,... I just want to be left alone until i can figure out a way to die.

Just leave me alone and I will be out of your hair soon anyway.

This blog has saved my sanity by giving me a form of therapy. But it has also been a double edged sword. It has been used against me over and over again.

Please people,... I am at my end anyway. Just leave me alone. I don't want hassle or drama. My life is sad and hard enough as it is.

Please just leave me alone.

This country obviously doesn't give one shit about the disabled

 I went to bed last night knowing that when I got up this morning, I would be dedicating the day to getting these damn fucking forms filled out for this fucking government. But here we are - three hours later - and I have done nothing but sit on the phone - ON HOLD - only to be hung up on at the 78th minutes.Yes,... I sat on the phone on hold for well over an hour and then just got hung up on. 

I have left messages with all the agencies that I need to get my benefits. I am such a loser that I have to BEG this government just to eat and have a roof over my head. But they make you jump through so many damn hoops that you give up. And today,... I gave the final try but got the run around yet again.

This government obviously doesn't give one shit about the poor and the disabled. To have us have to fill out form after form after form and sit on the phone on hold hour after hour just to get the run around is NOT ACCEPTABLE. 

So you know what Canada? You can keep your fucking benefits. They are too fucking hard to get.

I am done begging. I am done being hungry and I am done living under the threat of eviction knowing I can't pay rent after the new year. I have $3000 left to my name from the settlement which will be gone by the new year.

And then,... I will be living off of $851.51 a month for the rest of my life.

THATS all I'm worth to this country.

So,... Canada if its this hard to get help? Then keep your fucking money.

I think this world is telling me to just die.

Kill yourself and die Jacquie - your obviously a worthless piece of shit that noone gives one fuck about. To make someone WORK this hard to eat,....

You can keep this life - I'm fucking DONE!

Why did I bother just to lose it all again?

 Soon I will lose it all again,…

I tried to escape this place,....

but it just sucked me right back in again,.... 

There is no escaping the system,...

once your in it,....

theres no way out,...

and in the end

it kills you

 why did I bother re-furbishing my apartment?

I can't afford to live here,... I have already handed in my notice as I hate it here

There is no other place for me on this planet

So I am literally just going to be killing myself once I leave here

So why did I bother re-furbishing my apartment when I am only going to loose it all again

What kind of loser can't even afford Ontario Housing??????

Me. I can't even afford Ontario Housing and even if I hadn't put in my notice,... I can't afford to pay my rent after December anyway so I will just be evicted for non-payment of rent.

So it doesn't matter whether I put in my notice or whether I wait a few months longer just to be evicted,... either way,... I can't stay here and there is nowhere else to go

I am fucked.

So why did I just spend all that money to have it all taken away from me ~ again?

There is absolutely no hope for me now

I just need to die

And then the vultures of this building can come in again and take all my stuff,... again,....

I am a worthless piece of shit and there is no place on this planet for me anymore

It really is time to die

Not even football can save me now

My brand new livingroom

I have now finished re-furnishing my apartment. In the end it cost me $7000.00. And I don't even like it. I guess it looks ok if your someone who is just walking in and seeing it for the first time and not knowing the back story. It's cheap stuff. Walmart and Amazon Prime. But it's functionable. But to me,... it's not home. I feel like I am in an AirB&B or something. It's ok,... but nothing says "me". There are no personal pictures. When your family hates you,... looking at their picture all day just hurts your heart. So theres nothing 'personal' anymore. It's plain and functional. But it's not "me". I miss all my old stuff,...

I have been very depressed ever since the Mark episode. I don't want to see or talk to anyone anymore. So I stay in my unit - bored out of my mind - and just do nothing all day. I feel completely drained. I have nothing left in me to care anymore,...

My British Premier League started back up two weekends ago. Normally,... season opener for the EPL is something I look forward to like it's my birthday or something. Football is my passion and Manchester United are my team. But I have been so depressed that this year I didn't even enjoy it. Opening game came and went and I barely even watched it. Yesterday, their second day,... again couldn't get into it,...

Life has beaten me down so much over the past few years that I don't have anything left to go on. I knew that if the day came when I didn't even bother with football anymore ~ my life was over. Football is my last passion and now I barely even care about that,...

What good is a home ~ if you have no family or friends?

What good is a passion ~ if you have noone to share it with?

What good is a life ~ if your alone and in pain all the time?

I have given up. Not even football can save me now,....

 

I feel guilt,...

Something has been on my mind I need to write about and get off my chest. A few years ago a young couple moved into this building and on my floor. The guy eventually got thrown in jail for domestic abuse against the woman. ***footnote*** Tonya and Darren for years have been telling the building that I called the police on her - swatted her actually as multiple cops came flying in,.... but in the end it was her friend Damian who had called as her boyfriend really was beating her. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with me ~ I didn't even know her then,... but Tonya and Darren saw an opportunity to throw ME under the bus and they did. But now it has been proven it was her friend who was actually saving her. Don't I live in a lovely enviroment?

Anyway,... I kind of got to know her since her boyfriend left. I felt bad for her. A single mom on her own. (She was pregnant when this incident happened but has since had a baby boy) I didn't see many people helping her. So I tried to be nice to her and just tried to make her feel welcome in the building. When I choose to move to BC,... I tried to help her out as much as I could by giving her a bunch of stuff. (not selling - giving) and one of those items was a set of shelves that my late father had built me when I was only a toddler. I HATED giving them away at the time but I couldn't bring them with me. So I gave them to her - who I will call "M" - this single woman on my floor I felt bad for. 

Anyway, roll on to just before I am about to move out of this building forever never to return,... (meaning I didn't have to worry about retaliation). I was doing laundry one day and out the window I saw this "M" walking away with her friends without her baby. Odd,... but whatever,... I'm sure someone is watching him. While waiting for my laundry I decided to do laps as I so often do to pass the time. As I was doing my laps I could hear her baby inside her unit. But again,... I was certain her mother or someone was in there with him. I again thought whatever and put it out of my mind. But after an hour I did laundry and still heard the baby crying. I did a lap to listen. (why? I have no idea,... I just had this niggling feeling to check,...) I could now hear the little guy on the other side of the door crying for his mommy. I did four more laps. By this time, maintenance was in the hall too. So I said "hmmm,.... I don't think there is an adult in that apartment right now". I quickly went on to say I was probobly wrong and should probobly just mind my own business and then I left. I thought that was the end of it. I never phoned anyone. I just left it alone.  I saw her come back home with her two friends shortly after.

I never thought of it again. Until I learned the child was removed from her care by the time I got back from BC. I don't know what happened,... or why. But while I was away, her baby was removed from her care. I felt HORRIBLE. So I broke down and confided in a lady here what I had done by telling maintenance I heard him crying. She then confessed that it was a known fact through-out the building by some that she did this often. She DID leave that one year old baby home alone on numerous occasions. This hit me hard though as I, myself, am a child of the system. I, too, was removed from my own mothers care and put into the system. So I KNEW what life for that baby could be like. I am sure now, from what I have heard, that I am NOT the cause of the babies removal. Apparently it takes time to investigate so others must have been calling on her at earlier times. I don't know,... I probobly never will know,... but it's just tragic for all involved. The mother - "M" - and the poor child. Just really, really sad.

I talked to another lady about it a few days ago (the same one I had confided in originally) and she was saying she knows of 2 drug dealers and one prostitute that live in this building. Ontario Housing is never boring. Normally I mind my business and just keep my head down and move on with my life. But when it came to a child (in "M"s case,...) or an animal? I WILL speak up. It's risky around here as the people will retaliate. Darren is still 'revenging me' to this day for calling 911 oh him for hurting his cat. even after 2 years. "M" doesn't know who called on her probobly as she is still here. She replaced her child with two kittens soon after so I'm not even sure how bothered she is she lost him. (??) I have since learned this is not the first child she has lost. I've since been told she is a crackhead. AND other things that really made me decide to just not interact with her anymore. (no drama - just avoid her)

But now,... I'm upset because this woman I tried to help, now has my childhood shelves that my late father built for me. She has a lot more stuff that I gave her, but it's the shelves that I have sentimental attachment to. So I have to think of them in her apartment. I would love them back but of course would never ask. It just breaks my heart where they ended up. 

The people that live in this building,... drug dealers,... crack heads,... prostitutes,... no wonder I have closed my front door and no longer open it. I hate it here. And after Marks "Stay out of the gazebo or else,..." threat,... I don't feel safe.

I can't stay here. But I have no place to go. I have searched and there just doesn't seem to be a place for me on this planet. 

And I would rather die than live in this prison anymore.

Die,...

 

I have until the end of October to find a way to be gone

Nothing ever works out for me. I have been saddles with yet another defective device. My laptop got destroyed when I was homeless in BC. I guess carrying it around in my carryon bag didn't protect it enough and it got jostled around and broken. It suddenly wouldnt' recognize the mouse and I need that as my right hand is useless so I can't use the finger pad thing. So I had to get a new laptop. I waited until everything I needed was bought. Then because I had money left over I thought I would replace this laptop. 

It's the tv from Best Buy all over again,... I got saddled with a lemon and can't return it. This computer won't even open a website. It just shows the mouse as a blue circle that won't stop spinning. Then I get a pop up - not repsonding. I called Hulet Packard - 3 times. They admit that the laptop is defective and cannot be fixed. They told me to contact Amazon for a refund.

But guess what,... I can't get into town to get to the bloody Post Office. Here we go again,.... I called Amazon - twice - but no giving in. If I can' get to the post office? Then no refund.

I am so sick of this. I hate not having a car,.... I hate being stuck here in this unit. I hate my fucking life. I ended up telling them to keep their fucking laptop and hung up.

I am not over $300 out with no working laptop.

Scammed again.

This is my life,....

Doesn't matter. I'm not going to re-order another one. And I'm certainly never using Amazon Prime again. Which will kill me as with no car I rely on delivery. But I'm tired of the run-around you get when theres a problem. These big conglomertes will take the money out of your account the SECOND you click buy. But if theres a problem? Suddenly red tape and problems. I asked them,... If you can send an Amazon deliver truck driver to my door to drop off items,... then why can't you send Amazon delivery truck drivers to my door to pick up returns???? But that is not allowed,... they don't do that. And they can't make any exceptions for old ladies in walkers who can't get downtown to the post office,... 

So I am out $300 and have to now buy another laptop.

Which I won't be doing. This has just sealed the plan. I am such a loser I can't even buy a laptop. This is what life is for me,... red tape,... problems,.... forms,... applications,...

Why can't I just be like everyone else and hop in a car and just go and do what I need to do without even thinking about it,... having no car has ruined my life. I had a car,... but I lost it when I was forced to go on ODSP. I didn't make enough money to maintain it and had to give it up. The day I lost my car,... was last day of my life,.... I have done nothing but sit in an apartment miserable ever since.

Nothing goes right for me. I think the world is telling me to just go,... just do what you have to do and go,... because my future holds nothign but misery,...poverty,... and now fear from the good ol boys in the gazebo.

I have until Octover 31st to figure out how to die,....

I can't deal with this life anymore. I am too tired and too beaten down,...

Time to jump into the gorge I think. It will be terrifying,... but it will be final 

This is not a life - it's torture

I think I am self destructing. I have been so beaten down by the system that I have become frozen inside. I have lost all hope and I have died inside. And I think what is happening is I am self destructing. Handing in my notice is my sub-conscious way of ending it all sooner. I can't take living here,... but theres nowhere else to go. The knowledge of this has left me hopeless. When I gave housing my notice that I will be out by October 31st,... I'm sure people raised their eyebrows and though why? Why would I give up a home after being homeless? The anser is,... because a home is not a home if you don't have a life to go with it.

I think my mind and my body have just had enough and by forcing myself to become homeless again will hopefully hasten the end for me. Living homeless is tough. It is a lot of wear and tear on your mind and body. And living in Canada - with weather that plunges to twenty below zero,... I won't stand a chance. Maybe,... my mind has had enough,... maybe my body has had enough,... and by living homeless the elements will just kill me off. Maybe,... subconsiously,... my life is so miserable I am actually actively doing shit now to make the end come sooner.

A home is only good if you have a life to go with it,.... 

And all I have is hatred and fear and poverty,.....

So October 31st I plan on walking out my front door and never coming back. With just the clothes on my back I will leave this prison and walk,... I have no idea where but I will just walk,... walk,... walk,... walk,.... 

and maybe there will be a big truck driving by and I just happen to get hit by it,....

I don't know what will happen. But I can't just sit here, day after day after day anymore,.... something has to change. At this point I don't care what it takes to get the fuck out of this building,,... out of the system and out of this fucking miserable life,....

but whatever it takes,.... I just don't care anymore. I am frozen inside.

I just dont' care anymore,....

I wake up every morning sad that I am still breathing,...

This is not a life,.... it's torture

I don't even care what 'the end' looks like anymore - I just need it to happen

I can't escape his hate

There is no trace of the heatwave left today. It is foggy and gray and overcast. A damp and heavy cloud sits over everything. I went outside of my unit twice today. The first time i went out tothe garbage room and before I even got to that end of the hall I could hear Darren raging inside his apartment. "Do your fucking job! I fucking paid for you so do your fucking job!!!" He is usually talking about his phone, tv, or computer when he rages like this. But it's loud enough that I can hear him 7 doors down,.... he just lets go and hollars as loud as he can. I just shook my head and went back to my apartment. Same shit,... different day,...

The second time I left my unit I went down to get mail. I even checked the hall to see if it was quiet. It was so I made my escape. I didn't get to the elevator before Darren came out of his unit. I froze. I just don't trust this guy. He glared at me with such hate that if looks could kill I would be dead. You could see him reciting "I fucking hate you,..." over and over again as his eyes glared angrily at me. The reason he scares me so much is - it's been 2 YEARS since we had our fall out. When I fall out with people,... we have a fight and we either give each other space and then make up and move on,...or we fall out and I just move on without them. Biut in both cases IT'S OVER. It's done and over!!! But Darren can't get rid of his hate for me. He just does not know how to let it go. We have NOT SPOKEN in well over 2 years,... so what is he so damn mad and hateful about?? This man can hold a grudge for the King,.... and the reason I can't stay here is he will never let this grudge go and I will always have to have these hatefull, uncomfortable 'run-ins' with him. And then this week - he sicked his friend onto me. Again - I haven't spoken to in over 2 years so what the hell are they so damn upset about. 

All because I dare to go into the gazebo if they are already in there. I should KNOW BETTER. And the reason he shouted for me not being allowed to go in there? Darren can't control his anger so he has to leave,... thats not fair on him. (What!??) What does it say about a guy that can't control his hate for a woman twice his age that he had a fight with 2 years ago,... stupid,... dumb,... LET IT GO!!!!!  Well I don't want anything to do with either one of those guys. So I ran back up to my unit and this is where I stay. Hidden and isolated but safe from the hate.

There is no way I can stay in this building. And I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to disappear,....

 

I don't feel safe living here

I have just come upstairs from getting my mail. I rarely leave my unit now but I was out in the hall and happened to see the mail truck leave so grabbed my keys and went down to the lobby. I hadn't even gotten off of the elevator when i heard the screaming. We have a resident on the first floor who is always screaming. An alcoholic who lives in his own world where he is being threatened at all times. Therefore,... he is combative and raging. I just ran into his neighbour who is fed up. She has two children - one being severly disabled. noise and drama causes this child to have siezures. She was saying that this other neighbours screaming and drama has caused her child to have seizures. She has complained to housing numerous times but nothing gets done.

I am so tired of the disruptive tenants in this building getting away with being assholes. I have talked about this before. This building has some lovely people in it. Infact I would say most of the tenants in this building are nice people. But there is a handful that make it horrible for the rest of us. I know of two women who never leave their unit due to these other annoying tennants. I have no idea why housing cannot do anything about them but from what I have heard - with our laws their hands are tied. These tenants seem to know the laws and keep housing at bay. It took four years to get Stephen removed. And this person I am talking about today is just like most of the other folk that cause problems. And from what I can observe having lived in Ontario Housing for 9 year is,... our system is broken and therefore the people in society that need the most support and help (mentally and financially) dont' get it. And they end up here,... with no family and no help. So they are left here to rot. Most are harmless if not victims of the system such as myself. Just folk who slipped down into poverty and the system over the years,... But some,... like Stephen and a ahndful of others here need much more help than they are getting. They don't have the capacity to take care of themselves properly but theres noone to help,... the begger I talk about? A young woman who is not mentally capable of budgeting and therfore does not understand money at all. She needs someone to control her budget but there is noone so she never has money and just runs around begging. is that her fault? Not really,...

The alcoholics and drug addicts who are always under the influence. Most harmless and quiet and keep to themselves but a handful become violent or loud and the police end up coming. Is this their fault? probobly not. They have a medical condition of addiction and need help. But they have no family so noone to help them get that rehab so they end up here - thrown away to rot.

There are people in this building that are 'disturbed' which is the only word I know to describe them. Darren Green is one of those people. Tonya was just an annoying gossip,... but Darren I feel is dangerous. his inability to let go of old grudges is has turned out to be dangerous. I don't feel safe around him or Mark. But the rest of the people I don't think are dangerous. Just tragic sad souls - like myself - who nobody wants to be around and therefore doesn't get the mental and financial support that they need. Troubled,... disabled,... addicted,.... whatever their issue is,... noone wants to know so they get thrown away.

These people don't need the police showing up at their door,... which is always what happens. They need better support systems in this community. WHY is the begger allowed to control her money when she spends all of her money on take out and it's gone in four days? Why is noone supporting her in that? Instead she begs to the point where noone wants to be around her. Very sad,....

This society I have learned does not like the 'different'. They don't want to be around us,... they don't want to hear us,.... they dont' want to have to deal with us at all. So they say we are too mentally ill and then they turn their backs.

They say the stigma of mental illness has gotten better?? Not from where I am sitting. 

I can't stay in this building. I have two choices. I either move out and become homeless,... or I stay locked up in my unit which is the only place I feel 100% safe. As I write this,... I have noticed that Mark has been sitting out in the gazebo all morning. He never use to be out there that much. But since that day I called the police on him,... he won't leave the gazebo. He is making a direct statement to me. "I am sitting in this gazebo and if you come in your going to get the rath of me,..." He is hoping I will come out there so he can attack me. But I want nothing to do with this man. So instead I hide in my unit - afraid to go out to the gazebo. This man is dictating how I live. And I wont' do it anymore. I am not going to be ruled by FEAR living in my own home.

And THAT is why I have given my notice to be out by Octover 31st. I haven't even bothered looking for a new place. There isn't one. I am already on the bottom. There is nothing out there I can afford bringing in $851.51 a month. That is ridiculous and laughable. So I have another plan. And where I am going,... I won't need a new place to live.

I am so fucking done being treated like an invisable piece of shit.

I am done.

a lifeline?

Something positive happened and I feel I need to write about it. Just after I wrote my last entry, there was a knock on my door. ?? Nobody comes to my place so who could it be? I looked through the peep hole and I thought I saw J**  is the building 'begger'. Knocks on everyones door asking for money and other stuff. So i didn't answer it. But they kept knocking. Finally I opened up the doorbell camera and saw that it wasn't J** but another woman. So I opened the door. It was S****. Someone who I would have considered a friend until the Mark episode and then thought noone liked me so I had no 'real' friends. Anyway, I was already very upset and she could see that. I started to cry and just spirralled. I told her everything. And then i showed her the video of Mark accousing me. She was shocked. Anyway,... she hugged me and looked me strait in the eye and said Mark and Darren are assholes and that I need to know that SHE cares. She then talked me up for the next half hour. Even saying she is taking me grocery shopping when her laundry is done. NOONE in this building has ever offered to help me with my grocery shopping but here,... S**** was. 

I have to admit that once she left ~ I actually felt better. I had gotten it off of my chest. She told me what Mark said was not true. That not everyone hated me - including herself. THAT felt like such a relief to hear. 

Not everyone hates me

So even though my life is still shit and I still can't afford to live here leaving me feeling hopeless,.... today I got a tiny bit of validation that it wasn't me in the wrong - but Mark. And someone else saw that. THAT to me was validation. And THAT meant more to me than anything. I have been told over and over again by Mark and Darren that everyone hates me to the point I believed them. For the first time - ever - someone was telling me I am NOT hated and THEY are the ones in the wrong. I broke down in tears and hugged her. She had no idea just how much I needed to hear that. That one person cared,... that it wasnt' everyone,.... one person believed me and cared,...

So now I am waiting to be taken grocery shopping. That is a treat I never get. So I can buy everything I need. Not just what will fit on my walker to walk home. I can buy everything I need,... I will finally have food in my fridge and pantry again. The temperatures in Ontario lately have been horrible. We have been suffering with a heat wave that has kept everyone inside. So i just didn't feel up to walking to Walmart and then dragging groceries home on my walker. Just too hot. So for her to offer to drive me there and back is a real treat. 

Do you know what it does to someone to have one person reach out and say they care? It means the difference between living and commiting suicide. The world is a very lonely and hostile place at time. This woman just showed me that at least one person cares whether I live of die,... that was a nice feeling I haven't felt in a very, very long time.

Thank you S****,... I really needed to hear your words today.

Only answer is death now.

For the first time - ever,... I don't know how to start this blog entry. Usually, I have words chaotically floating around in my head needing to get put down onto paper.  As a writer, and I use the term writer looseley as I am not even educated - let alone a 'professional' writer. I didn't even graduate from high-school (although later went back and got my medical) so I don't even know the proper way to write. As I have mentioned before,... I don't write pretty. I write out of necessity to get it out of my head. When something is on my mind it won't leave. It just goes around and around and drives me crazy. So many years ago I learned that if I sit down and write it all out - it turned out to be theraputic. Once out of my head and written down on paper - I could relax and go on with my day less all that anxiety. And so for the past 17 years, I have vomit my words onto this blog. If I printed out this blog - it would literally be my biography of navagating life with mental illness and all the challenges that brings.

I have been isolated from everyone since Mark accousted me in the gazebo. And even though the police couldn't do anything as "He didn't actually threaten you", there WAS a threat said. I took it as a REAL threat. "Stay out of the gazebo when Darren is in it - or else!" To me - that is a threat. If I go out there,... what will happen? I was scared enough to not try. To me? THAT is a THREAT. But he got away with it and now Mark sits out there all day - so proud that he has bannished me. That he bullied me and now has the gazebo to himself and I can't go in there. And all the people that were supposedly my friends? Didn't bat an eyelash,... they didnt' care I was banished and they quite happily sit with Mark like nothing happened. The people in this building _ me included - are all people on the fringes of society. Poor,... mentally ill,... druga addicted,... in short we all have out problems. And collectively,... that means a lot of personality conflicts. To me,... the gazebo has always been a war zone. Go out there at your own risk. And for the first 6 or 7 years it was ok. Not great,... but no fear. It wasn't until Darren and Mark and Trinity arrived that the problems started. (The young ones under 30 while the rest of us are 60 plus)  The people I have to sit with out here are not always good people. There is no loyality. Noone cares what happens to anyone else. They just putter on with life no matter what happens. If someone dies,... oh well,... move on. There is just no real connection with anyone here. Acquaintances we are forced to have to sit with. Only a handful I would consider "friends" but even then,... after Mark,... noone stood up for me and they still all sit out there like nothing happened. Not one person cared. THAT told me volumns,...

So I walked away. It just isn't worth my mental health to be bullied like that anymore. How can you reason with someone who calls you "abusive" because you come out to the gazebo when "Lord" Darren is out there and you know he hates you so you shouldnt' come out,... He honestly feels that he has the right to say this. He honestly feels that me coming out to the gazebo is deliberate and intentional. IT IS  NOT. I do not want to see Darren Green anymore than he wants to see me. But it is a public smoking area that I am forced to use. To me,... him getting up and leaving when I walk in the gazebo just makes HIM look stupid. Immature. Childish. The last time he did it - I said "thank you for the chair" and I think THAT is what pissed him off and set him off to the point he must have told Mark (his body guard) and Mark came after me. Becasue why would they suddenly be furious with me after 2 years? Darren read my blog and got pissed and this is the only way he had to retaliate. He sicked Mark on me,... no balls coward Darren - all 5 foot 3 of him - was scared to confront me so he complained to Mark knowing Mark would come after me. Real manly and tough Darren. It shows you for the bully coward that you are.If YOU have something to say - tell meyourself - dont' sick your 6 foot 7 body guard on me and hide while he is doing it.

COWARD 

All because I went out to the gazebo when he was out there. (I guess I missed the formal memo sayiing I was not allowed to do that) For that I was called "abusive" I think Mark needs to buy a dictionary and look up the word "abusive" as me going out to the gazebo for a smoke is NOT abusibe in anyway shape or form. Him and Darren are just raging ~ angry ~ men who need to  hate someone. The gazebo is basically a big "boys club". I am one of the only women who go out there. Theres a couple but not many. It's all men. 

I was CANCELLED and nobody cared.

So I have been banished from the gazebo and quite frankly I am not even going to try and go out there and see what happens. I know it will be fireworks and I will be attacked. I have nothing left in me to fight anymore,... so that is why I just gave up and walked away and let Darren and Mark do whatever the fuck they please. It just isn't worth my sanity.

But now,... my self worth is at zero. I wake up feeling sad every morning. Lonely and sad. That people hate me enough that I am not even allowed in the gazebo.

I am a worthless piece of shit that deserves nothing.

That is what the world sees when they see me,... and that is just too heavy a burden for me to carry anymore. I am already weighted down with so much more,... I don't have the shoulders to carry anymore. So I gave up.

The boys club can have their gazebo. The building can be blessed with me leaving. Noone will have to be burdened with my sorry ass life anymore,....

Although I do have to add a footnote as fair play to those who deserve it,... Tonya Halls - the bain of my existence for 8 years - has suddenly gone quiet. Since I got back from BC,... she has been completely quiet. No sarcastic comments,... no threats,.... no lies about me,... no gossip,... no complaints to housing,... infact,... the other day she actually seeked me out to tell me it wasn't her that stole my package. I knew that already. Tonya is a lot of things,... but she isn't a package thief. So I have to admit that atleast she has started to leave me alone. Why??? I have no idea. Maybe she feels bad for what I went through and realizes I need peace,... I don't know. I just know she has done a complete 180* and has left me alone. I can't tell you how much better that makes my life now. Why she treated me like that in the first place I dont' know but I am eternally grateful that it has stopped. Maybe she does have a heart and actually saw the damage she had done to me. But only Tonya knows,....

But that is all that has changed. I left this building in desperation as I couldn't live here anymore,... only to get thrown right back in here. I tried with everything I had to leave here,... but I ended up back. And it's different this time as now I know,... this is the cheapest and only place I can afford. If I can't live here - then there is NO PLACE FOR ME ON THIS PLANET and it's time to end my life.

No home is worth bullying and feeling like a hated nobody. I would rather be dead than be this "boys club" target. In short,... this isnt' life - this is literally SURVIVING and I just don't have the energy to do it anymore.

If people are so intent on trying to hate me and make my life hell,... then why am I taking it? It's obvious noone around here wants me. And with nowhere else to go,... I just see death as the only relief,...

Blessed Death and peace,....

Maybe then they will leave me alone,...

I just can't go on anymore

The past two days have been sad and quiet. I have not gone outside at all. I have snuck down to the lobby a couple of times to get mail but other than that, I haven't left my apartment. I have tried to keep busy inside but there isn't anything to do. I am going mad with claustrophobia. But my mind won't allow me to leave my unit. I don't want to see or talk to anyone so I isolate. 

The table that was Maggie's "home" when she was with still alive and with me, I got back. Debra had it in storage. It was one of a handful of things I was lucky enough to get back. I had Maggies little cardboard house on it ~  which she loved ~ and in her last years she rarely came out of. It was her safe place. If I wanted to check on her,... I always looked on that table. Because she was so old and rickety in the end I had to devise a makeshift ladder for her so she could get up there. Everything about that table says "Maggie". And now she's gone and I have to look at this empty table everyday. It breaks my heart. Tonight, I broke down. I just miss her so much my heart aches,... I would give anything to have my little Maggie back,...

My life has completely fallen apart. I am sitting here crying. My heart aches with grief for Maggie and everything else that I have lost. I just can't find my footing back,...

I sit in the dark now. Watching tv. I miss Maggie. I miss my old life. 

I can't believe how much pain I am carrying right now,... I just can't bear it anymore,...

Maggie was the only thing that loved me,....

I just can't go on. 

The cost of being an outcast

All my life I crashed through life tryng to fit in. Trying to understand what it is that people want or more importantly what they don't want,... My BPD clouds my judgment leaving me without the tools to navigate this society. And becasue I didn't know,... I did it all wrong. And now - at 61 years old - I have been left alone. 

I went through life so confused. Always trying to catch up. Everyone else had successful lives. Families, jobs, friends,... they all have reasons to live.

Not me. I spent my life wondering why people just disappeared. Now I know. I am a monster.

Knowing this has completely changed how I view myself. I used to think I was actually liked by some people. (Just polite people not wanting to hurt my feelings) The rest didn't care about my feelings. They openinly showed their disdain. Being an "unwanted" is a painful thing to be.

But I do have to admit that once you stop denying that it is everyone else and finally - honestly - realize that it is ME. Then that somehow helps. Becasue now I can behave accordingly. And by that I mean isolate until I can leave. Knowing that everyone dislikes me fucks with your head. But giving in and accepting this truth has allowed me to just give up entirely and just isolate away so noone has to deal with me.

But isolation has serious side effects. When a person has no contact with another human being - they change. I have not touched another person in months. I rarely hug anyone anymore,... (theres noone left to hug). And without looking up the scientific downfalls of no human contact, I can still tell you what they are becasue I feel them. I experience them. No human contact turns you to stone. My body used to crave other people,... crave contact,... interaction,... conversation,... I needed it to feel like I was a part of this society. But without it,... I just feel empty and paralyzed. I have turned to stone.

People need people,... 

But I have noone. My body craves love,... touch,... companionship. My heart aches because I know noone wants me. It's a deeply unsettling feeling you can't shake.

You are unloved. You could die tomorrow and noone would even notice. THAT does something to your soul that leaves you dead inside. And that is where I am now.

Completely DEAD inside

I hope noone else has to feel the hate of the world on their shoulders. Becasue it's horrible. Knowing people would rather NOT be around you is hard to take.

No wonder I hate myself and wish I were DEAD 

Just die already and get it overwith so I can just disappear,.... *poof* gone,...

and everyone is happy

Do I need a will?

I think of nothing but death now. How to do it,... when to do it,... I am so miserable in life I just need to die and that is all I think about.

I am a fucking nobody

I want someone to SEE what mark did and care,... but noone does,... and that tells me that he will continue to harrass me.

I have no support in this.

I need to come up with a FAIL-PROOF plan to kill myself. Not a half assed attempt that will just land me in Homewood. I need to do something that will leave me DEAD.

I refuse to go in HOmewood ever again. Why don't these people ask what happened in Homewood that freaked me out so bad I won't accept help if it might put me back there.

I would rather DIE than go inside Homewood again. You should all be asking why,.... not throwing me back in there to be traumatized again.

So how,... how,... how,... I still want to OD on fentanyl but that would mean I have to take a taxi into Guelph and maybe even get a hotel room for the night so I can track some down on the streets.

That sounds like a lot of work. It will be easier just to jump into the gorge. It will be TERRIFYING,... but if I can find that courage to jump??? It will all be overwith.

No Mark and Darren telling me when I can go outside for a smoke. They are getting away with being BULLIES but noone cares.

I need to do this sooner than later. My mental health is deteriorating rapidly now. If I leave it to much longer,... I will get stuck homeless and then life will REALLY be miserable. I need to do it before October 31st which is the date I gave housing to be out of my apartment. I will be homeless after that,...

Maybe people should be asking "What is going on in that building that she would rather DIE than live there?" Maybe they should ask THAT,....

I am definitely done. It is now just a matter of how,... and I have some plans. 

I don't know if I need a will or not. I don't have anything. I dont' plan on leaving anythign to my children. They didn't want me in life,... they don't need to be burdened with me in death.

I will leave a note saying I have NO next of kin.

I wish to be cremated and my ashes buried with my biological grandfather, "Victor Holyoak" as I have no other family. It says my grandmother is buried with him but she is not,... so there is a vacant space with my Grandfather.

I dont' feel a connection to the Morgans anymore. I dont' feel like they are my family. I want nothing to do with them in death. They will just complain I gave them work and burdened them with all the paperwork connected to my death. 

No,... I am a pauper and I will be treated like on in death. I have $4000 left which will cover the cost of the cremation.

Noone wanted me in life,....

So I make my own plans in death,.... 

Good ridance to bad rubbish,...

Ding dong the wicked witch is dead,......

My last and only wish,.... I wish someone had stuck up for me in the gazebo,... everyone staying silent just solidified they all agree with Darren and mark,....

I wished just one person had stood up and cared,....

But I am a mentally ill monster and I just need to die

I am NOT ALLOWED to go outside to the gazebo when Darren is there. Those are Marks words. THAT is why he accousted me yesterday. 

When I go outside to the gazebo - I can't even SEE who is outside as there are no windows that face the gazebo. I go out there when I am in pain and need to smoke weed for pain relief. There is no schedule,... there is no planned times,... I just go out when I need pain relief which is about 3 times a day. I pack up my walker and open my door and go out into the hall. It is only then that I can look out a window and see who is in the gazebo. And it doesn't matter who is in there. I go out anyway.

The gazebo is this compounds smoking area. We are ONLY allowed to smoke there and not in our units or anywhere else on the premises. So I am FORCED to use the gazebo.

Yesterday,... like any other day,... I packed up my walker and went outside. Mark and two others were in the gazebo as I walked out of the lobby to outside. Normally,... Mark just gets up and walks away. But not yesterday,.... yesterday he accousted me. I sat down in a chair inside the gazebo and everyone else scattered and he stayed which wasn't normal. I knew something was up. I could feel his anger. I didn't even get a chance to smoke.

He said "I got something to say to you and you are going to listen,..." and then he SHOUTED at me for 10 minutes strait. The whole gist of the anger was me coming out to the gazebo WHILE they (him and Darren) are already out there. Apparently I am suppose to stay away until they are finished. I am NOT ALLOWED to be around them.

He called me abusive. over and over and over again he kept saying you are abusive. I never see Mark or Darren and haven't spoken to them in a few years. So how do they even know what I do or say,... they don't. For the record - I am NOT abusive. I go out - I smoke - I go back in. I don't even talk to them - EVER!

But apparently Lord Darren is all in a tizzy as everytime he goes out to the gazebo - I seem to show up and then he HAS TO LEAVE. First of all,... he deosnt' have to leave - that is him playing the martyre. He is perfectly welcome to stay. I won't talk or look at him. I'm sure we could both be adults and be able to both sit in the gazebo at the same time. But Darren - who I failed to realize OWNS the gazebo and dictates who can and can't be in there - has said I am abusive becasue I don't follow Darrens rules. (who made him GOD?)

That makes me abusive???? I think he better look that word up in the dictionary. I come outside - they see me - they grab all their stuff and leave the gazebo and i go in and smoke. That is all that is happening. Yet,... that makes me abusive!!! So I asked him outright - how am I abusive??? "Because you know Darren hates you and you come out to the gazebo when we are there and you know you shouldn't" THAT makes me abusive????? 

Anyway,... I grabbed my phone and taped the whole thing. The man is delusional. He really does think I am suppose to wait for them to leave before I am allowed to come out and use the gazebo. 

I had to call the police in the end as he terrified me. He is six foot seven and a very big man. He was raging,... his eyes were bulging out of his head,.... he was seeing red he was so angry. I kept saying leave me alone - you are being too aggresive and scaring me - but he wouldn't stop. I left to go back inside but he followed me. Screaming at me the whole time. 

There was one thing he kept shouting that stood out to me and absolutely killed me. I don't know if he was truthful or just trying to hurt me but his words killed me.

"Noone likes you. We were all so happy when you left. Now your back we all hate you. NOONE likes you in this entire building. YOU NEED TO LEAVE"

And for the rest of the night and all of today all I can hear is "You need to leave",....

I cannot take this. I already feel worthless and hated and a waste of space. To hear him say this reached deep - I heard every word. Every. single. word.

The world hates me

The world hates me

The world hates me

And I just need to leave.

I called housing crying and left a message saying I will be smoking inside my unit from now on and they can evict me if they want. But I refuse to leave my unit as I DO NOT FEEL SAFE living here anymore. I again gave them my notice that I will be out by Octover 31st.

I no longer feel safe,... or comfortable living here.

But there is nowhere else to go.

And becasue of that - there is only one answer to this problem.

Kill myself.

Mark - thank you. Your a nasty piece of shit. But you finally got through to me.

I am a horrible monster and just need to leave.

So I am leaving

Fuck you world

I am so fucking done

SO FUCKING DONE

I will not see my 62nd birthday on September 7th. Infact,... my birthday present to myself will be to kill myself before then so I don't have to live another fucking painful year,....

I hate this building,... I hate the people in it,... and I refuse to be bullied by an entitled asshole who thinks he can dictate who and who isnt' allowed in the gazebo,...

I am done,...

You will find me at the bottom of the gorge

FUCK YOU WORLD

FUCK YOU WORLD

FUCK YOU WORLD