Don't even know her name,....

Today has been a sad day. I have changed my mind and I am going to leave my money to my grand-daughter. The more I think about it, the more I realize that she will never know me. But if I leave her as the beneficairy in my will ~ she will be forced to know about me. And with a generous gift like that,... maybe she will feel like I am NOT the monster her mother has made me out to be.

But heres the problem. I know nothing about her. I dont' know her offical name of date of birth. I dont know anything. I tried looking on the internet but aside from feeling like I was some kind of stalker, I had no luck.

I dont' know where my daughter lives. I no longer have her address or phone number. So how do I name my grand daughter in my will? I don't think there is one person in 'her' camp that will even speak to me, let alone help to get the info I need. Maybe her other grandmother? But at this point I dont even have her name either. All of these folks have deleted or defriended me so I have no way of getting the information I need. 

How sad that I dont even know the details of my own granddaughters birth,...

This has just left me not only sad ~ but feeling like the biggest monster alive,... 

Maybe I CAN'T leave her as the beneficiary in my will,... I don't even know have her offical name,...

What a life I have,... so hated,... so heartbroken,... I can't even know my own grandchilds name or date of birth,..

Just a monster who doesn't deserve I guess,...

Monsters aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas

It's a cold one this morning. Darn,... I was hoping to get over to Walmart and get some groceries. But I dont feel like walking in minus 11* celcius. So I think I will just give it a miss. But I hope it warms up a bit soon as my cupboards are nearly bare. Story of  my life,... can't get out to get what I need anymore. So frustrating. 

When I woke up this morning my apartment was so cold. I don't know why my heat doesn't work very well but I can never get the temp to get higher than 22*. Normally thats fine. Infact I'm constantly opeing the windows and doors as it often gets too hot with these big windows. But once the temperatures get to minus 10* or more, the heat doesn't work so well. I had to buy one heater for the bedroom already as the heater in there doens't even work at all. But today I had to break down and order another portable heater. The joys of living in Canada I guess.

3 days until Christmas yet theres nothing going on here. I was watching "Georgie and Mandy's First Marriage" last night. Usually I enjoy this show. But last night there was a scene where there little daughter Cece is sitting on the couch with them. She is about 3. The same age as my granddaughter. Infact,... the reason this scene made me sad was I think of my granddaughter looking like that. I have never met her in real life, but I have seen pictures so I know she is a little ginger. And so is this little girl on the show. The second I saw this adorable little girl sitting on the ocuch with her family at Christmas time,... it hit me. I could see what I was missing and it hurt. It made me think of what it will be like Christmas morning with her and her parents. Just thinking about the joy they are having breaks my heart.

I'm mentally ill,... and I guess that means I don't get a granddaughter and a joyous Christmas morning. And that is a pain I can't even describe. I miss my family,... I miss all the Christmas mornings we used to have. All gone now,... just memories,... because apparently thats all mentally ill people deserve. We're monsters,.... we don't deserve a happy life,... and never is that more apparent than the holidays. Watching the world enjoy this season is very difficult. Knowing my family is celebrating without me is just too painful today. But the worst pain of all is knowing your not there because your family thinks your a monster,....

I wished we could just skip these next few weeks and I could just wake up in January and it would all be over,...

I put EVERYTHING I had into Christmas for my family. But I guess it wasn't enough,... I guess I'm still a monster,...

Game day!

It's Sunday morning. Not only is it game day, but it's also my 'off-grid' youtube video day. The three channels I follow all drop their videos on Sunday morning. 

Jay Legere,...

Skote outdoors,...

Matt & Emilie,...

and  Sailing Supernova,...

All Canadians living off-grid and enjoying the life I would love to live. But since I can't, I have to live vicariously through these folks.

It is also GAME DAY! Manchester United play in a few hours.

Sunday is a day I tend to look forward to.

I was chatting with T**** yesterday for awhile and we are both excited about planning our summer vacation. We are still looking at cottages but we also may do Niagara-on-the-lake instead. We actually couldnt' decide so we decided to sleep on it.

It's a choice between my friends cottage in Leamington which is absolutely beautiful. Or to do a hotel in Niagara-on-the-lake and enjoy all the quaint shops and restaurants. I would be quite happy with either one of these. But T**** is still working, so I told her we would work around her availability. What vacation time she gets and when. 

In the end it's not really the destination. It's about me getting away from this place which is so toxic to me. Everyday I wake up in this building I groan,.... still here,... still trapped. If I am going to survive, I am going to have to get away from here once in awhile. 

I was talking with the officer doing my case but I can't really talk about it as Tonya reads this blog. But they know everything,.... they know about everything she has done to me over the past 5 years,... and just having someone KNOW and believe has been awesome. For 5 years Tonya has got this whole building hating me. She lied about me to anyone who would listen. Which meant noone believed me. But the Police not only believe,... they have evidence which can't be disputed. At this point that is good enough for me. All I ever wanted was for it all to STOP. I never wanted to involve the police but I was forced to in the end as it just became relentless. I have no idea WHY this woman has done this. I just hope she finally sees the damage she has done and maybe even go and get some help. It's not normal to stalk and harrass a neighbour for over 5 years!!!!!!!  SHE DEFINITELY NEEDS HELP. She is going to Mexico on vacation,... I hope the police don't get to her before she goes,... she may not be going,....

But remember Tonya,... I wanted NONE of this. I asked you to stop many, many times but your immature little brain wouldnt' even own up to what you were doing. SO immature,... So I had no choice but to call the police and start this case. 

YOUR FAULT TONYA,..... you did this yourself. I hope your proud of yourself and you had the fun you wanted,.... becasue now,....

Your going to pay for it,.....

Is it the Christmas spirit?

 I decided to reach out to my friend T***h today and ask if she would like to go on a holiday with me this summer. I am declining mentally because I am couped up in this apartment 24/7 and it has left me bored. My Nana used to say "A change is as good as a rest" and she is right. I think that if I can just get away from this place, it will do me a world of good. 

It goes back to the cup theory. You can't pour from an empty cup,... and my life has been bone dry empty. I need to DO stuff. Start experiencing things again,... participating in life again,... For the past 25 years I have had no money for doing anything. My life was about surviving ~ not enjoying. But now I have the opportunity to do stuff.

I still have a lot of limitations. Transportation being my biggest obstacle. I live in a small town with no bus service and ONE taxi. It's near immpossible to do anything out of town either. So I end up feeling trapped at home unable to go anywhere. It gives me severe cabin fever and my mental health gets effected.

But here we are just days away from Christmas. I am not doing anything for it and have zero plans. But over the past few days I have had to watch it on tv. So I am aware of it's existence no matter how hard I try not to. Missing my daughters is just too painful so I try and avoid anything that reminds me of them.

I have been absolutely fed up with life the past year. And this has left me mentally and emotionally drained. I have come to a wall and just cant go on. I have completely given up. I am making end of life plans and feel so empty and hurt I am looking forward to an end,...

But heres the thing. Over the past few days something has been changing. It's so minute I can barely feel it. Maybe it's a tiny sprinkling of Christmas spirit? All the 'feel-good' Christmas episodes of my favourite shows,... having Murphy and Molly around,... ?? whatever the reason I have decided to book a vacation. I am very limited here as I dont have a car. But my friend T***h does. So I messaged her and asked if she would like to rent a cottage with me. She agreed and we are starting to make plans. 

This is a big deal for me. It is the first time I have shown any interest in my future. In being around for my future. It's like a door opened,... just a sliver,... letting me see a tiny bit of light. And that light gave me a tiny bit of inspiration.

If I can just get away from this compound,... I could start to fill up my cup a bit. I am concerned about getting scammed again of course. So I am trying to find someone I know who has a cottage to rent from but the one lady I know I think hers is all booked already. (Have we left it too late for this summer???). So now I am just reaching out to anyone I know for suggestions.

A lakefront cottage/cabin in Ontario. I don't care where as long as it has water and trees and a whole lot of nature.

Dare I hope?

I will give up food before I give up football

I know I don't normally post about what I bought, but I was more wanting to talk about how much this club gives me. I am watching last weeks game right now as I type this (for the second time). It gives me a passion. It gives me something to do,... something to love,... to get excited about. And excitement is the one thing that I don't have much of right now. So I cling on to my football for dear life. I will give up food before I give up football.

I have not been feeling very Christmasy at all this year,  so I thought maybe treating myself to a few ManU things might just make me look forward to Christmas morning. I still don't have a tree (2 kittens,... need I say more) or decorations, but I can still pretend. Maybe having a few parcels to open will give me a good start to the day I have been dreading. Manchester doesn't play a game on that day (but they do boxing day).

I'm trying to do tiny little things to make my life a bit more bearable. I just can't do "sitting watching tv all day doing nothing",... I've been doing that and it's NOT working for me at all. Infact it's effecting my mental health now as I am starting to feel like the walls are closing in on me. I really do need to find something to keep me distracted from the boredom. And football,... specifically Manchester United,... does this for me. And a lovely cousin sent me an early Christmas gift so I decided to use it to chear myself up for Christmas morning. I'm not a materialistic person about most things,... but when it comes to this team? I want it all,... lol  I have never had the freedom to just go on their store website and get what I actually want. (not need - want). I got a puzzle,... little cup and saucer,...pajamas,... a hoodie,... I don't NEED any of that. But I have to say,... it sure felt nice to get it all the same. I almost feel like I pampered myself.

Now if we can only continue on with our good streak the past few weeks maybe we can climb up from 6th place in the league right now. It's still early ~ we still have time.

And then,.... theres,....

Fifa !!!!!!!!

 

Missing my girls

Another storm has rolled in. I was hoping to get out today as I am desperate for groceries. But looking out my window I can see that I am not going anywhere today. And the forecast has snow falling for the next 3 days,... *** sigh *** I dont think I'm getting out now until the new year. (my cupboards are bare!) So instead I am once again cooped up inside going stir crazy. I am an outdoor girl. I want trees and water and fresh air,... I feel so claustraphobic locked up in this apartment all the time. 

I saw this post on Facebook the other day. I am not a huge Lily Allen fan although I do like her. That is not the reason that this post caught my attention. It caught my eye because it brought back a lot of old memories. I would love to to go to this concert. But I would only go with one person in this world. And that is Hayley. We used to have so much fun with Lily Allens songs. I used to live in St. Thomas Ontario and I would drive to Tottenham to pick Hayley up for the weekend on Friday, and bring her back to my place. Then we would do it all over again in reverse on Sunday. So we spent hours and hours in the car driving as it was a 4 hour round trip there and back. To fill those hours we would listen to music. One of the things I love so much about Hayley is her love of music ~ just like me. And together we had a lot of fun singing along at the top of our lungs to music while we travelled. Lily's music is very upbeat and the lyrics are cheeky and fun. We just had a ball enjoying it. So when I saw this post on Facebook, I felt sad. Hayley and I used to be so close,.... now,... she won't even talk to me.

I downloaded her new album anyway. I guess I will just have to enjoy it alone,... But I'll be thinking of Hayley when I sing along,...

I don't write much about the cats on here as this blog is mainly my morning stress dump. Everything I write is negative. But I plan it that way. I just get whatever is bothering me off of my chest so I can face the day with a clean slate. And the cats have not been a stress so I haven't written about them. But just to update,... they are great. They are more than great. They give me what I was seeking,... companionship. They are completely spoiled rotten. They have the best food,... the best treats,.... and I have already spent over $3500.00 in vet bills to give them a good healthy start to their lives. They are my world now.

I know pets ~ as I have had many ~ and I knew they were going to be wild at times. Any pet owner - dog or cat - knows all about the zoomies,... and these cats get them multiple times a day. But instead of stressing,... I just have the apartment set up so nothing is of value so they can't break anything to upset me. My livingroom is basically a cat cafe'. Theres hardly anything of mine in here,... it's all cat stuff. So when they get the zoomies, I can sit and laugh at them instead of worrying they will rip my place apart. They are such a joy to have around. If one isn't making me giggle, the other one is. I do not regret getting 2 ot them. Infact I'm glad I did. Other than it being twice the cost,... it's also half the work as they entertain themselves so all I have to do is watch and enjoy. I am so glad I got my Murphy and Molly ~ M & M,....

Molly is obsessed with my bathroom sink

Murphy chillin'

Just can't wait for spring now

 Today has not been a good day and it's still only early afternoon,...

Everyone knows when the wifi goes out there is nothing to do. Eveything we do now-a-days needs wifi. So when we had an outage the other day, and I was stuck with no tv or music, I decided to buy a boombox CD player. Old fashioned!! (I had an awesome one but,.... Darren Green has it so I guess I'm never getting that one back!!). Anyway, I ordered one from Amazon. It came this morning. It is bluetooth. There is no electrical cord. *** sigh *** I can't use it in a wifi outage,.... damn

Here we go,... so I had the pleasure of dealing with Amazon and it did not go well. Because my phone isn't working right now either. So when I called them - 3 times - they couldn't hear me. Something was wrong with my phone. So now I had to drop that and work on fixing my brand new phone. Also, the most frustrating issue is when someone calls me, and I push the green answer button - nothing happens. I have been on Youtube trying to fix this for hours now,... what a frustrating thing to happen. But I think it is fixed now,... but I will have to wait to see if it works when someone calls me. And being a recluse - noone ever calls me so it will probobly be awhile before I even know if it works,...

Since I got back from BC, I have had to buy back a lot to get myself started up once again. It's been quite frustrating because a lot of what I have bought since then, is already broken.

 I only got it in August or later, and a lot is already broken,...

It's like manufacturing just isn't the same anymore. Companies don't seem to care about quality anymore. They just bang out a product and sell it and don't care if it will break within a few months. I have had a phone,... 2 soundbars,... a tv,... and a computer all break since August. Not cheap items either. I have spent a lot of money on electronics only to have some of them not even work,...

I want the old days back,... I bought things in the 1970's I still had up until I moved to BC! Still in working order. So why do all the new stuff break? very frustrating and getting expensive. Luckily Amazon is pretty good with returns although not easy as I have to bring it to a UPS store and we don't have one in Fergus. It would cost me more in taxi fees than I would get for the returns so more often than not - I just end up taking a loss. But I am getting sick and tired of everything I buy breaking,....

I finally got to the bank. I couldn't wait for good weather so I just did it. I called a taxi and it said it would be 15 minutes but took 40. So when I finished at the bank I called again and they said it would be half an hour (which meant an hour - we only have ONE taxi driver in town) So I opted to walk home. It was cold but sunny so it wasn't all that bad of a walk. Infact, it was kind of nice. Getting all that fresh air and exercise when you are a recluse couped up in your apartment 24/7 can be nice. It took longer than usual as all the snow was cubersome to walk in. I didn't bring my walker as I thought if I do need to walk home I won't get it through the snow and indeed I wouldn't have been able to after I saw the sidewalks. So I just bit the bullet and walked without it. Gotta do what you gotta do,... now I finally have the cheque and I dont need to worry about it anymore.

The woman at the cemetery is dropping by after work to pick up the cheque for the down payment on my headstone and plot. I would have put it in the mail but it would have left me anxious as it is for a large amount. But the woman who works at Meadowvale said she lives nearby and would come and pick it up for me. What a lovely gesture,... and once that is paid I can move on to the lawyer and my will. And once that is all done? Then I start in on my other plan,... to escape this building and Tonya Halls and all the other bullies I have had to deal with. I refuse to be a victim anymore. But the only way to get them to stop is to die,.... how sad,... I ownder if Tonya even realizes how much damage she has caused me. probobly not,... and thats why she continues to do it,.... she is never going to stop as she is having too much fun. I have to stop it instead and to do that? well,... roll on spring and we shall see,...

It all started in Co. Donegal, Ireland in 1835

When you get to be my age and you look around, and life just hasn't been what you expected, you can end up feeling quite forlorn. I am not living life right now. I am instead spending my days re-living old memories. Some people that reach my age have families and rich active lives. But some of us have travelled paths which have left us alone. And this is where I am. So instead of having days full of things to do, we instead our left in a torturous silence that eats away at our souls. Nothing to do but think of all our memories. 

When I started to do my ancestry many years ago, my one and only goal was to find my Grandma Ida's grave. I just wanted to pay my last respects to a woman who I never got to see after I was removed from their care way back in 1964. In the end I kind of found her grave. It's an unmarked grave in Toronto somewhere. There were records of her being buried in a particular area with other 'paupers'. And of course this never sat well with me over the years. I felt so bad for this woman who languished in a nursing home - alone for so many years. And then got thrown away as an 'unknown' in a paupers grave. I felt I owed her somehow,... and that is how this ancestry journey began.

I learned that this line of women goes way back and we are one of the first pioneers of Ontario. All of these women ended up in what back then was the historic town of the City of York in Upper Canda. And the main theme I can see that runs through all of our lives from Anne-Louise Boude in 1835, all the way down to myself,.... is hardship. We all struggled.

So I found my (3rd) Great Grandmother came over from Ireland and settled as one of the very first pioneering settlers. Anne-Louise Boude ~ Born in Co. Donegal, Ireland in 1835 ~ and that is where this line of women I speak of begins... I don't know much about how this lady died or even where she is buried, but I did find out about the rest of them.

Her daughter,.... Annie Louisa Calgey had a short life dying at the age of 43 of chloroform narcosis. (??) I have researched her for so long but aside from knowing she was buried in Toronto at Necropolis Cemetery I can't find out just how she died. It says she died in an emergency hospital (?) So? operation gone wrong? Dental work gone wrong? Either way, she too had a short life. And died when little "Lizzy" was so young.

Elizabeth Anne Ball ~ after her mother died young she wandered around doing domestic work for room and board before marrying and settling down on a farm. But when the Spanish flu came through, in 1920, she and her infant daughter died. "Lizzie" was only 39 years old. Again ~ so young.

That left her daughter Ida Maye Dyer with no Mother at the age of 4. Her busy father gave her to her Aunt and Uncle to be raised. So she, too, was removed from her family. But it was in her last years of life that she was forgotten about. She ended up being left alone in a nursing home for over 20 years. 

My mother,... Diane Holyoak fled to BC away from her family too. She died alone and was buried in an unmarked grave,...

I am seeing a pattern here. All of us - removed from our families. I am still researching why but will probobly never know. I think large families back then had their daughters work in other peoples homes as domestics. But either way most of us left home early. Hardships mainly,... illness,... loss of family.

So as I sit here tonight pondering all of this, it makes me wonder,...

Is the sadness I feel so deeply, not just my own? Is there a thread of lonliness where the feelings of rejection and abandonment run so deeply through all of us women, it never allowed us the joy we so desperately seeked? Starting way back in Ireland and ending up here in Ontario. Four woman who's lives were very different than what they wanted or expected. Four woman taken from their families for one reason or another,... maybe,... just maybe,... that pain runs so deep it travelled through all of our veins. Settling in reminding us of a haunting past? Ingested so deep it will never leave. We all feel it,...

I can't describe the feeling of my sadness in words. It's not just lonliness. It's knowing you are alone because you were rejected,... that is a pain engrained so deep it envelopes every cell of your being. 

Is this curse I talk about real? Are the women of this line doomed to a life of hardship somehow? Existential thoughts for someone nearing the end. I think it's natural to go over your life and why it even existed at all,... a queation I ask myself often. Why did I even exist at all when noone really seemed to want me??

I think this is why I feel so strongly about getting a headstone and putting all of these forgotten women on it. Valadate they existed. Inscribe their names into granite to prove they belonged somewhere. Maybe not on this planet,... but we belong together in eternity.

Maybe not as grinchy as I thought

Well I guess this Grinch isn't completely Bah-hum-bug,... I received 2 Christmas cards (wasn't expecting any). And both cards were so pretty and Christmas'y I put them up (even with my no decoration rule lol) And I don't know who Julie is but you have just given me my faith back in humanity. I got my Amazon package today and I love it. I didn't even know they made such a thing but it works!! My hands have gotten quite a bit worse over the past few months so "Julie" sent me this can opener for people who can't open jars and stuff. I have a jar of iced tea that has been in my fridge for a few weeks becasue I just can't open it ~ tonight I opened it. Such a small thing,... but such a big and lovely gesture. Maybe there is a little bit of room for Christmas this year,...

Can't get out again today,...

I need to get to the bank but,... you know,... the fluffy white stuff again. I rarely seem to be able to get anywhere these days. Living with no car really does make you a recluse. In my life, all the stars have to aligne before I am able to go anywhere. 1) My pain level has to allow me to function,... 2) The weather has to be clear enough so my get walker can get through,... and 3) If a taxi is available,... these 3 things all have to happen or I just can't get out. And it's starting to make my anxiety rise.

My headstone is all ready to get started but I have to give them my down payment cheque. Because it's such a large amount, I have to go into the bank and get a cheque drawn up. I don't even have cheques as I never use them. But big purchases don't just take e-transfer or Visa/Debit. So I have to get out of this apartment and get myself down to the bank somehow. But so far,... I have had no luck getting down there. 

The past week we have been hit with a winter chill. Temps going down to minus 25. I am not going out in THAT unless I absolutely have to and this isnt' that pressing. Today the temperature isn't as bad but it's snowing and my pain level is too great to go. Maybe tomorrow,...

Life with no car really is a problem.

This morning I opened my (game) Facebook page and another pop-up. I checked every post and they are all about football. Not me in crisis or in trouble,... just a troll harrassing me. *** sigh *** My heart is just heavy knowing this person is not going to stop. My life is so hard already. WHY does this person need to make it harder??? I called the police to have them check it out and they finally got access to Facebook so we are waiting to hear back from Facebook to see who it is. If I find out it is Tonya I will lose my shit,..... as she knows how hard my life is as she sees it. For her to secretly harrass & stalk me is just low,.... something is fundamentlally wrong with that woman,.... there has to be,... why,... why,... why is she doing this? And me writing about it is only giving her what she wants. ME UPSET. Her getting to see that I am losing my mind. How this can be FUN for someone I don't know but it has severely effected my mental health and I just can't take it anymore. 

If we find out it is Tonya still doing all of this,... we will be charging her to full extent of the law. EVERY charge we can,... harrassment,... stalking,... basically with  Criminal Code (RSC, 1985,c-C-46, s.264. There are a lot of charges she can get as she not only did it on the internet (cyber bullying) but she sent texts (which I still have from years ago threatening me) and her son too. So I have 5 years of evidence to add on to the cyber bullying charges. 

Do you think I want all of this?????? No. I just want it to stop.

Think about it,... I am a 62 yr old woman who lives alone with no family or frineds and I am being harrassed by someone I dont' know who it is,....

It's terrifying.

What if it's not Tonya,... what if it's actually somone dangerous? My life is so hard already,.... I just need this to stop.

Please,.... whoever you are find a descent bone in your body and realize the damage you are doing. I am sick with the stress and fear of not knowing who is doing this. 

Just stop. PLEASE

Canadians Are Being Pushed To The Brink...

THIS is why I am not able to survive anymore,....

Canada is in the biggest mess it has ever been in yet noone is fixing it,...

I live on the bottom so I am the one who has had sevices cut over and over again. It seems when money needs to be found the government come and cut us first. To be more precise, they don't actually "cut" from our services,... they just BARELY add to them,... they don't give us inflation rates at all.

I Live on $1480 a month and so do most people on ODSP. People on OW (Ontario Works) are even worse off,.... PEOPLE are suffering! Not just a few. A whole group of people are being priced right out of living and are choosing death to escape.

Wake up Canada! For fucks sake wake up and do something,...

This video scared me and every single Canadian needs to see this video. But if you only watch a tiny bit of it,... make that bit the speach from J. Paul Nadeau (at the 4.30 mark). If you listen to him,... it should scare the shit out of you.

THIS statement alone left me fuming:

"Canada pays 92 Billion Dollars JUST ON INTEREST on the astronomical debt that this government has accumulated  - let that sink in - money that could be going to hospitals, etc,... WASTED ON OUR COUNTRIES DEBT!"

Canada is falling apart and the Canadian citizens are paying for it. WHY are we still sitting down and taking it?????

Dear Ontario Housing

I have had the misfortune to have to live in your building for the past nine years. The first few years were good. But then staff changed,... or something changed,... and suddenly I felt like I was being attacked and NOT ONE PERSON would help me.

I have been abused/attacked/stalked  by Tonya Halls for over 5 years. I was attacked by Darren Green and his revenge campaign after I called the police when he abused his cat. I was screamed at by Mark Rathwell to the point I was traumatized as every night I try and go to sleep I can't, as all I can see is this 6 ft 7 man bending over me with his eyes bulging out of his head ~ screaming at the top of his lungs ~ with his finger in my face,... "Your an abusive bitch" over and over again and for the next 10 minutes he just attacked me. All I did was shout "Leave me alone". This has severely effected me. I no longer leave my unit. I no longer go out to the gazebo. I no longer have the courage to leave my home to go anywhere. I am now a recluse. This is not me,... but living here as made me this way,...

I am fucking MISERABLE

I have had to deal with "KARENS" on a scale I can't even relate to. 

But what bothered me most is the blatant ignoring of Ontario Housing to me. The only time you ever really called me - was to threaten me with eviction. NEVER for something I requested. For that - I get no call,... no email,... nothing. Silence ***crickets*** and then when I get mad about it ~ suddenly my behaviour is unacceptable and YOU ARE EVICTED!!!!!! That was the last straw by the way,... so casually threatening me - not acceptable

I asked to get my automatic door opener fixed ~ 3 times ~ but got nothing. No phone call,... no emailm,,,, nbothing,... So I get mad and throw a fob and I get the threat of being evicted two weeks before Christmas.

I asked for you to fix the storage unit room door as it is locked and my fob won't allow me to get in. I asked twice. But just like always ~ NOTHING! NO RESPONSE AT ALL! The fix? You unlocked the storage unit room ~ they didn't fix it ~ BUT LEFT IT UNLOCKED so all of our stuff is UNSAFE. I have already had my storage unit broken into before and got NO HELP FROM HOUSING then either. I had to call the police and noone was caught. So people do steal,... yet your fix is to leave the room unlocked. Who cares if our stuff gets stolen - it's only us lowlife scum,....

I have so many examples of housing siding with "Karens" just to shut them up so they don't have to deal. They take a complaint - they NEVER investigate. We know this as Tonya had a complete HATE campaigne against me and YOU LET HER. You never once investigated (none of what she said was true) You instead just sent a nasty letter telling me to stop. You out and out believed a KAREN whos goal in life is to get me evicted and you believed her. YOU NEVER EVEN CONTACTED ME OR ASKED ME ANYTHING - you just assumed the karen was truthful and punished me. She did this for over 5 years and not once did you contact me!!!!! I have severly been effected by this behaviour.

I ended up getting evicted becasue of her!!! YOU should be ashmaed. I lost  my home becasue of a KAREN who was jealous of me and wanted me gone. and it worked. beautifully. I was not even told she was tattling on me for most things until I got an eviction notice.  

I am now so mentally unwell I can't function. I hate living here. I can't leave my unit. I am so emtoionally traumatized I just don't want to even be alive anymore. 

So I know I am never going to be protected or helped by Ontario Housijng. In fact, my experience shows that once you have 'complained' you are now unliked and picked on. And life is even worse,.... 

Ontario Housing does not like me as I tell the truth. But they don't want to hear the truth as that will be work for them. Rather just go on believing the KARENS and hurting the Karens victims while dong it. This is NEVER GOING TO CHANGE.

I feel such a victim in this building. I feel attacked,... stalked,.... 

but NO HELP

The only time I hear from HOUSING is when someone tattles and I am being 'reprimanded'

Fuck ontario Housing,... a bunch of privilidged middle class running it who have NO CLUE the reality of living here. The don't want extra work so they just send out nasty threatening letters rather than deal with the problem.

I woke up just wanting to be dead.

And that is down to being targeted but now helped for so many years. It makes you feel worthless,... like your not worht the time or effort to do what is really needed to help. So instead you blame,... blame,... blame,... without even talking to us,.....

I am so mentally unwell right now. And living here is why,....

I can't wait to get the fuck out of here. But sadly,... death is the only escape,....

Not one person on this planet thinks I'm worth helping,...

Not one person has reached out to help get me out of here,....

I am on my own ~ as always,.....

Maybe I shouldn't even bother waiting to complete the will. Maybe just the burial is enough. Becasue I don't know how many more days I can take of living in this HELL HOLE! What does it tell you that I would rather be DEAD than live here and be targeted,....

FUCK YOU ONTARIO HOUSING for ignoring me and making me deal with everything on my own,.... you could have easily done your homework and realized Tonya was lying,.... but instead you choose to BELIEVE her. Not once,... not twice,... but for 5 fucking years!!!!! You made me deal with that cunt. NO HELP whatsoever,...

And now she has driven me to such a state mentally I no longer wish to be alive,...

But you don't care do you housing???? Your just glad you'll finally be rid of me,... the complainer,... the one who told the truth but you ignored,.....

FUCK YOU

Just need to die now

I think it's safe to say I have heart disease. Every morning I take my blood pressure. And it is consistantly getting higher over the past year. It now sits at about 160/105 all the time now. But in the morning it can climb to over 200.

I desperately need health care 

I looked up what it means for you systolic pressure to remain over 100 all the time now and it said:

A consistent diastolic blood pressure reading above 100 mmHg is considered Stage 2 hypertension and should be addressed by a healthcare professiona. This significantly increases your risk of serious condiotions like heart attack, stroke, and kidney disease.

From what I can read, I am in the 2nd stage of heart disease. I need a doctor for stable, consistent care. Walk-ins and ER visits are not going to cut it. This society won't allow me to go through MAiDs (Medical assistence in dying) but it's ok to allow me to languish and suffer with heart disease with no doctor or health care,..???

NOT FAIR,... not going to do what society says I need to do which is SUFFER. Instead,... I stick to my original plan. If no doctor and no move out of this building happens by spring,...(which is when my will and final plans will be paid for) I won't need to wait to die from a heart attack - I will end if myself.

HOW DARE this society FORCE ME to suffer in pain YET WON'T GIVE ME A DOCTOR,.... So fuck you I do things my way as I have had to do most of my adult life. ALONE. I refuse to live in pain ~ suffering because our government has fucked up our health care. NOT MY FAULT so I refuse to suffer in the consequences. You don't want me to kill myself??? Then get me some health care. If you can't,.... then you can't force me to stick around and suffer,....

I always feel weak,... tired,... I just can't keep up anymore. So I know something is wrong. I have known for over a year now. When your blood pressure's AVERAGE reading is 165/110 ~ your DYING. I may not stroke out or have a heart attack today ~ but it's coming,....

I am also in so much pain I cannot bear it anymore. I think my hands were broken and never healed properly and now everything is just a mangled mess leaving me unable to use my hands. 

You can't get by without the use of your hands ~ it's immpossible.

Roll on heart attack,... 

Roll on death,...

Because life is just too painful right now and with no doctor I can't bear it anymore,... I literally just sit here and cry in pain now,.... torture.

So roll on relief,....

Roll on DYING!!!!!!!

Pain is absolutely unbearable today

Today has not been a good day. The pain has become overwhelming and I just can't take it anymore. Every move I make causes a sharp pain,... I couldn't even get the tin of cat food open this morning as pulling the tab was just too painful. I had to feed them dry food. I can't squeeze the toothpaste tube,.. I can't brush my hair,... I can't take care of myself anymore,... I have literally come to the day where I can't take care of myself anymore,...

I need help,...

I have done nothing but break down all morning. I can't stop crying,... I can't cope with the pain,....

I feel so alone

Please make the pain stop,....

I don't want to be here anymore,....

Difficult time of year

 

My eldest daughter at her Grandma & Grandpa's house with her buddies Paisley & Amber

Me with my two daughters at my Mom's house during the Christmas holidays

Christmas is just a few weeks away now. But I have planned nothing. No decorations, no meal plan,... because around here Christmas is just a time for sad reflection and missing loved ones. I don't put up decorations, as it's just a reminder to me of all the celebrations I am missing. So Christmas will be just another Thursday for me.

A mother can never forget her children. I had my girls until they were 9 and 12. And I consider that a gift I will cherish always. I spent nearly every waking hours with those girls and they mean more to me than life itself. 

I don't have anymore pictures of my past. The hard copies are all at their fathers house and the digitals I lost in a computer crash. I got some back through Facebook having them but these are the only 2 Christmas photos I have of my past. All I have are my memories now.

And even though I try very hard to pretend December 25th is just another day,... the smells in my building of turkey dinners remind me of what I am missing.

I am missing my granddaughter. I didn't know you could miss someone you have never even met. But it's the memories of Christmas's with my own girls that makes my heart weep for my granddaughter. I am missing so much. Too much.

I hate this time of year. November 29th is the birthday of the twins, and from there on in it's just a build up of Christmas, Christmas, everywhere!!!! You can't escape it. Even as a recluse who never leaves my apartment it is still in my face everywhere I turn. Every show and newscast shoves it down my throat. Or at least thats how it feels for someone who dreads it.

Christmas is a difficult time of year.

                            ******************************

If someone knows this place, please pick me up and bring me there as I can't think of a better place I would like to be than in a cabin in the woods with my kittens on Christmas morning. Now THAT would be a gift I would be grateful for,....

Ontario Housing did it again

So disappointed in housing again,....

I opened my door to find yet another memo in my mail slot. We seem to get them a couple of times a month. memoes telling us things we are doing wrong and we better smarten up,.... (Is this prison?)

Todays memo,...

We are no longer allowed to leave stuff in the common room. Now this may not sound like a big deal but to the poor in this building that can't always get food it will stop them from getting it. Other people in this building put out food and clothes to give away for free to the other folk in this buillding that need it. We have been doing this un-officially for the 9 years I have lived here. But some KAREN must have complained and now we are not allowed to leave stuff in there anymore. And if we do,.... they will dispose of it. So let me get this straight, Housing would rather THROW OUT FOOD than allow the poor to use it ~ who need it. THAT is ridiculous. Someone is going to GO HUNGRY because Housing threw FOOD IN THE TRASH!!! rather than do good and help,..... I dont' get how they operate,... I really dont. It really does feel as if they hate us and are working to do everything they can to make our lives harder than it already is,....

I called the woman who wrote the memo at Ontario Housing. The SAME woman that treatened me with eviction. I left a message on her phone. (she never seems to pickup when I call so I had to leave a message hmmmmm) I was very careful to sound calm,... not raise my voice or swear,... and I told her that she is removing something people in this building COUNT ON. The last thing I said was this is so typical of housing,... you cater to the KARENS who complain but dont' even ask how the rest of us feel,... just take away something we have been doing for 9 years because someone didn't like looking at it and complained. What harm is some food and clothes sitting out with a free sign doing to anyone,...???? NOTHING!  No harm at all infact it was doing a lot of good. It was literally a KAREN - who had nothing better to do than tattle and ruin it for the rest of us. 

But this proves Housing just takes complaints and writes up memos without even investigating.

We are given these NO MORE DOING THIS ALLOWED memos all the time,.... do they not have anythign better to do than work AGAINST the poor tenants in this building????? They are so into their rules and regulations that they can't see the actual NEED of the poor in this building. Food and clothes!!!!!

I myself have taken food from the common room when desperate. Now that opportunity is gone because of one fucking KAREN! That housing catered to,.... again,....

Instead of learning what is going on in this building,... they steer clear and rely on the tatlling of KARENS. I have been a victim of this for years with Tonya. She tells them lies,... they believe,... they don't even contact me let alone ask me my version,... they then just punish,....

They have far too much power and the treat us like a bunch of kids living in a dorm,...

This is my home but the rules and regulations keep me miserable here,....

I wish the employees of Ontario Housing should have to spend ONE MONTH in my apartment living on an ODSP salary,... so they can see what REALLY goes on in this building. But they dont' want to know as that would cause work for them,... better to just take the karens tattling at face value and put it in a memo so we never have to go to the building ourselves. 

They don't see us tenants as in need. They see us as people who should just shut up and be grateful they gave us an apartment in the first place,....

No thanks,... I'd rather be dead than live here anymore.

And that is being arranged,.....

FUCK YOU Ontairo Housing for treating all of us the same as your WORST tenant. To you - we are ALL lowlife scum that just needs to be kept in line. Rules, rules, rules,.... you can't even fart in this building without a KAREN tattling on you

No wonder Brianne left,... she is the woman who bent over backwards to FIGHT housing to allow me to move back,... but she left. And I'm pretty sure I know why. Because she has a heart and was in the job to HELP people and she wouldn't have been allowed to do that in her job with Ontario Housing. She probobly got tired of the walls she faced preventing her from actually doing good for people, and left for a job where she was ALLOWED to help the poor. 

Ontario Housing keeps us in line with threats,..... THAT is not a nice way to live,.... If I'm not out of here by spring then DEATH will be the only option as I REFUSE to live in this building. I would literally rather DIE!

and I'm working on that,....

Stress is slowly killing me

For anyone who knows about blood pressure, looking at this reading has probobly made you do a double take. For those not aware,... a normal adult bp is 120/80. This has my systolic reading nearly DOUBLE. This is an emergency reading,.... but I will NOT call 911. 

Roll on DEATH!

This is all stress. I am only 62. If things were better for me I could be happy living another 25 years. But I am miserable living in this building. I will NEVER have a life staying in this building. I can't even leave my unit for the bullying,.... it has made me a recluse in these four walls and I can't take it anymore,..... 

Yet,... over the past year I have tried everything to escape this building but in the end I was just scammed and lost everything. I have had to rebuild everything since then.

I will die living here,... look at that blood pressure,.... I NEED to get out of here.

I am almost done with my end of life care. I just have to go into town and get a cheque made out to them to pay for it. In the end it has cost me $15,000.00 to buy a plot and a headstone. It was another $2000 for the pre-paid cremation. I did not even include a funeral in all of that and it has come out to nearly $20,000 with all the small incidentals on top. 

This does not even include a FUNERAL ~ just the burial.

If I hadn't been hit by a car and got a small settlement,... I would be too poor to die. But instead I have taken my money and spent it all on my end of life care.

Who knew it cost $20,000 just to get buried. 

But,... I don't complain. I couldn't use the money on anything else as noone would rent to me to give me a better life. And knowing I can't escape this building I decided I would rather die than continue living. So I choose to waste the money on my death.

But I am glad of what I am doing. Bringing the four Holyoak/Dyer/Ball women back together again. if only in eternity,... THAT I will never regret.

So today I sit here,... hoping my blood pressure causes me to have a fatal heart attack so I can finally be at PEACE.

If someone would just take a chance on me and rent me a place,... life could be good again,.... but noone will take a chance on me,.....

Sadness so deep I can't endure

I was out doing my laps yesterday. I ran into two women I knew sitting in the hall chatting. One commented "You look tired,..." I wouldn't disagree with her. I told her it was the new kittens getting up so early, smiled and moved on. But thats not true. The kittens haven't caused me any problems at all. The problem is not them,... it's stress. I am so miserable I have aged a great deal. I don't even know if my own children would recognize me right now. I look old,... tired,... stressed. All the hacking,... the harrassment form Tonya,... I just can't take it anymore ~ and I guess it shows.

I am NOT the person I used to be,..... 

(This was not written by me but found on Facebook)

Once a heart becomes too heavy with pain, it doesn’t cry anymore. It goes silent. Not because the hurt is less, but because there are no tears left to fall.

People stop explaining how broken they feel. They stop sharing their struggles. They stop hoping anyone will truly understand. They smile when they need to. They stay quiet when they are drowning inside. And they carry their sadness alone, like a storm trapped in their chest that never finds its way out.

Silence becomes their armor not because they are strong, but because they are tired of feeling unheard, unseen, and misunderstood. So they sit with the ache, day after day, holding pieces of themselves together, whispering prayers that one day the pain will soften, that breathing will feel lighter again, that living won’t hurt this much.
Your heart feels heavy right now, please know this you are not alone. Your silence is not weakness. It is the language of someone who has endured too much for too long. Even if you feel invisible, even if no one notices how hard you’re trying… your heart is still beating. And that alone is an act of bravery. Hold on, even if it’s only by a fragile thread. Your story is not over yet. Somewhere, someone cares more deeply than you could ever imagine.
        ********************************************************************

I don't agree that somewhere, someone cares more deeply than you could ever imagine,.... but,... it does explain my deep lonliness and sadness,....... and I just don't want to endure this anymore,.....

Roll on Spring as I can barely wait until then

 Another cold and frosty day. Minus 12*. Another day stuck inside.

Yesterday went downhill fast. I had a hacker in my Disney Plus and other streaming sites. It took hours of phone calls but in the end it got sorted out. I completely cancelled and deleted ALL of them and with the help of their customer service, I re-opened them under a completely different NEW email. All with passwords of just random key strokes. No identifying info in them at all,... just random lettersm numbers. 

I thought it was all good.

However, I went to open my YouTube and found someone has been in there too. I checked the history of videos watched and it was all anime and asian shit. (????) NOTHING I would ever watch. YouTube is directly connected to Google so it looks like it was my Google account that got hacked. I had to call Google. Have you ever tried to find a phone number for Google? There isn't one,....

I had to call the police again.

They agreed I have been hacked. They showed me how to do a deep forensics on how, who and where,.... I had no idea you can check all the log ins that have ever happened. It says what device logged in and when. And this person has been very, very busy. They think he/she was trying to take over my google. Waiting to change the passwords once they got in. Luckily I had just changed it a few days ago. The police showed me how to go in and log everyone out of every session  on every device and THEN change all the passwords. This took me three hours!

But again now I have all new accounts under new emails and new passwords. 

But the best bit,... the police are now keeping an eye on everything. They have set it up so we can see instantly the minute someone logs in that shouldn't have. I now have ALERTS that have been installed by their virus protection. I even bought a second virus protector on top of the one I already have.

Now, they say if anyone gets into any of my sites now,... they have remote access to my laptop somehow and THAT is a very scary thought. We never found out WHO, but we do have their device and location. We are just waiting for them to try and log in again so we can catch them,...

My life is hard already. To have someone single me out to intentionally cause me stress and problems is so low. If I had a life on top of this I could balance it out and say at least I have my family, etc,... but I can't say that. Becasue I have no one. So THIS on top of my miserable life? Has just made me more determined to end it.

I have somehow become someones project. An annonymous person has singled me out and has made it theri mission to upset me. Well to whoever you are??? Go ahead,... I have had enough and I won't be around much longer anyway. BECAUSE of this witch hunt,.... I am not living,... I am hiding from being attacked by an invisable entity.

It's stressful,... it's frustrating,... and I am at my end with it all. I will never understand the need to hurt other people,.... in anonymity. They must feel so big and powerful behind that keyboard. But WHY?

Well, it will all be over soon anyway,.... roll on spring. This is not a life,... this is lingering in emptiness and being targeted while you wait to die. NOT FUN AT ALL and I the only way I know to get ALL of this to stop is to die.

You can't harrass a dead person

I don't know who you are or why you are doing this,... but do you really want a DEATH on your sonscionce??? Because I will be dead by spring and then who will you have to harrass???????

I'm just a recluse nobody wants or likes and on top of that I have to deal with assholes and hackers,... Not COOL! And I have definitely HAD ENOUGH!!!!!

I finally found Lizzy's grave

You know your in Canada when you wake up to MINUS 23*. It's so cold the snow doesn't melt. Even now in the late afternoon there is still a thin layer of snow on the roads. And cars still have the puff of white blowing behind them. Snow has come early this year. I am pretty much stranded inside now. I can't get a walker through the snow so I have to get everything delivered until spring.

In doing my headstone, I got interested in my ancestry again. I actually started the whole thing to find my Grandma Idas grave. We never found it as she was interned in a paupers unmarked grave. It's the whole reason I have choosen to buy a headstone for myself. So I can memorialize her finally.

I also couldn't find my great grandmother "Lizzie" Ball's grave. We found my Great Grandfather and his first wife,... but couldn't find her. Until today. Today I found her grave. She is buried in the Old Brampton cemetery (the one on Wilson Street) I could not believe it. I know that cemetery well and have been there often. Infact as a teenager I went to a high school just down the street from it. If only I had know way back then in the late 1970's that I would be walking through the cemetery of my Great Grandmother Elizabeth Ann Ball. Not only is she buried there, but also her babies that passed away as well. Lillian and Reby. Both only months old. So many lost babies in this line of women. Myself included,... makes you wonder,... hmmmm,... 

So now I have accounted for all of these women. My mothers ashes were scattered in BC by her son,... Ida is in an unmarked grave,... and now Lizzy is found, buried in the Brampton Cenetery in Block B, Range 13, Lot 17. I wish I could find a picture of it but noone has uploaded it to the "find a grave' website. Anyone reading this live near here?????

I think it's time I brought all these women back together. Validate them on granite. Prove we all existed. 

At least I've done one thing in my life right. I am bringing the family back to rest in peace together.

The grave of my Great Grandfather Levi Dyer and his first wife Gwendolin buried at "Hillside Gore Cemetery" in Brampton (also known as Clairview). But his second wife Lizzy was not found.

Sunday morning feeling sad

 This is where I wish I was today,...

This is my reality,....

*************************************************

It's been a weird weekend. Usually Saturday is game day and Sunday is "Watching YouTube off-grid videos" day. But Manchester doesn't even play until tomorrow so it's kind of thrown my schedule off this week. Yesterday was instead spent trying to sort out all my social media by deleting most of them but the ones I kept I had to change all my passwords. I also had to phone all my streaming sites as someone is piggy-backing my account. They all helped me CLOSE my present accounts and open brand new ones so hopefully that is the problem of my hacker resolved. (fingers crossed)

I have been up all night. I haven't been feeling well the past week or so. Nothing obvious,... just feel off. Tired, weak,... not myself. My Blood Pressure has been high again. Maybe thats it. But because of this, I dont' feel like doing anything. So today I am just sat here watching my off-grid videos. Wishing I was there,... In Newfoundland, on an island, in an old saltbox house with my all my pets,... But instead I am living vicariously through other people just to stop myself from going insane from the boredom of my own life.

I'm feeling even more cut off from everything today. I am starting to become restless and I think cabin fever is setting in. I never leave this building now. I rarely even leave my unit. To say I have become a recluse would be an understatement. I find not being around people anymore much less stressful. Just keeping to myself.

But it's lonely. And it's a lonliness that I can't describe. It's etched right into your soul. Noone to talk to,... just 2 kittens. I watched a movie last night called "Train Dreams" and it is the closest I have seen to describing the life I am living now. Alone,... lonely,... but it's more than that. It's having no purpose. I could really relate to this character who had lost everything early in his life and then wandered around hoping,... but never finding love again. It was quite sad and it left me feeling empty. 

I look out my window and the snow falls,... it's beautiful. But it just leaves me sad as I never go out there anymore. Way back in the 1970's there was a song out called "Jackie Blue" by the Ozark Mountain Daredevils. The first line of the song is " Oh oh,... jackie Blue,... Lives her life from inside of a room,..."  Who knew how prolific that song would be for me 50 years later,.... where I am living my life inside a room,....

sad

 

Can't wait to be dead

December 7th. While the rest of the world is out shopping for Christmas, I am out buying a plot in a cemetery and a headstone to go with it. I haven't celebrated Christmas in a few years now. The cost is ridiculous for one thing, but the main reason is I'm alone. Noone thinks of me on Christmas day (and I am talking about my daughters). So I have found that just pretending Christmas doesn't even exist is the best way to get through this horrible miserable season.

I don't buy gifts (for who?). I don't put up decorations. I couldn't even if I wanted to as I don't have any. And I don't feel like wasting my money on useless decorations when I'll be dead within the year anyway. No point. I am trying not to buy anything I don't 100% NEED as I plan on dying within 6 months. I don't have family to hand it all down to, so it will all just go to charity. I am actually trying to keep everything to a minimal so noone will get "stuck" with dealing with my stuff.

God forbid my family get "STUCK" with me.

The world seems to have got 'stuck' with me my whole life and they didn't want me when I was alive,... so noone is going to want my stuff when I die. Better to just keep things simple. Just necessities.

Headstone should be bought and paid for and installed within the month. The will should be finished by the new year and then,... 

I am out of here,....

We can now be together in eternity

I was born into chaos in the fall of 1963. To a teenage mother named Diane. Diane lived in a tiny house in Toronto on Old Weston Road. In this house lived My Grandma, Diane, and 4 other siblings. My grandfather had died leaving my Grandma pregnant with her 7th child and no way to look after her brood. The home was chaotic. The kids all ran wild after my Grandma became exhausted trying to cope with it all. My mother,... to add more to the chaos, got pregnant with me. And we all resided there in chaos.

I was born in September 1963 in Grace Hospital. But Diane was a confused and troubled young girl. Parenting was not her thing and in the end I was removed from the home when I was about a year old. She ended up in the Gult Reformatory for Girls after the courts deemed her 'incourigable'. She remained in there for a few years. Later it was discovered that all inside were abused horribly. My mother included. My mother ended up fleeing to British Columbia after "a fur coat robbery gone wrong" (??? noone ever elaborated on this) and I never saw her again. She lived a gypsy lifestyle and eventually died in 2013. My half brother buried her ashes in the woods of the BC mountains. There was no grave or memorial to mark her life. That was in 2013.

Her mother,... My Grandmother,.... Ida Maye Dyer, had an even worse life. She was born in the Brampton area (although back then it didn't have a name yet ~ just Peel County). When Ida was just 4 years old, her mother passed away from anemia. A complication from getting the spanish flu. Her little sister Lillian died the same week of the same thing. Now they were a farming family. With the passing of the mother, there was noone to look after Ida the reamining 4 year old child. So she was shipped off to live with her Aunt and Uncle in Brampton. She travelled around a bit like a gypsy (having a daughter at the age of 20 while unmarried) before marrying my grandfather Victor Holyoak. But within a few short years, life fell completely apart. Victor died and her life spirralled out of control. The kids all eventually left home and she ended up in a private nursing home in Parkdale Ontario. She lingered here for YEARS,... about 20!!! She had gone somewhat senile and noone knew who she was. She lingered in that nursing home alone for years and years and years,... She was basically thrown away and forgotten about and left to rot ~ just like me. When she finally passed away, the city buried her in a paupers grave that was unmarked. After years of research, I still can't find where her final resting place is. 

Her mother,.... Elizabeth Ann Ball,... was another gypsy. She wandered from place to place living in different residences as a domestic for years before marrying and then having 4 children. One, Lillian, that died as an infant with her during the spanish flu. She died at 39 years old. Very young. And her family was split up and scattered after that. Her husband (James Henry Dyer) and his first wife Gwendyline were buried in Gore Cemetery but there is no grave for his second wife Lizzie Ball there. To this day, I still can't find where she has been laid to rest. 

So if you were to look at all the women in my family for the past 4 generations, you will see that we have all been displaced,... lost,... all of us wandered looking for a place to belong. Our families giving us away leaving us orphans. All of us,... alone,... recluses,... and in the end dying alone.

Because all of us women are scattered all over Canada and none of us really has an official resting place, I felt it was time to bring us all back together. And that is why I am choosing to memorialize them on my own headstone when I pass on. It is time to remember and validate these women. 

So today the woman at Meadowvale cemetery and I have been designing a headstone. It will have my name as the one buried in the plot. But it will also have in memory my 3 ancestors. Three woman lost in life - estranged from their families. 

This was the final result so far. We still have to polish it up with the right font,etc,... but this is a general idea of what it will look like in the end.

So I may have not done a lot of good in my life. But maybe, I can take some comfort in knowing that I atleast did my dna and found all of these women and brought them all back together again. 

"Lizzy" Elizabeth Ann Ball

"Ida Maye Dyer"
"Diane Holyoak"

"Jacqueline Rose Holyoak"

At least we will be together in eternity