Pain is absolutely unbearable today

Today has not been a good day. The pain has become overwhelming and I just can't take it anymore. Every move I make causes a sharp pain,... I couldn't even get the tin of cat food open this morning as pulling the tab was just too painful. I had to feed them dry food. I can't squeeze the toothpaste tube,.. I can't brush my hair,... I can't take care of myself anymore,... I have literally come to the day where I can't take care of myself anymore,...

I need help,...

I have done nothing but break down all morning. I can't stop crying,... I can't cope with the pain,....

I feel so alone

Please make the pain stop,....

I don't want to be here anymore,....

Difficult time of year

 

My eldest daughter at her Grandma & Grandpa's house with her buddies Paisley & Amber

Me with my two daughters at my Mom's house during the Christmas holidays

Christmas is just a few weeks away now. But I have planned nothing. No decorations, no meal plan,... because around here Christmas is just a time for sad reflection and missing loved ones. I don't put up decorations, as it's just a reminder to me of all the celebrations I am missing. So Christmas will be just another Thursday for me.

A mother can never forget her children. I had my girls until they were 9 and 12. And I consider that a gift I will cherish always. I spent nearly every waking hours with those girls and they mean more to me than life itself. 

I don't have anymore pictures of my past. The hard copies are all at their fathers house and the digitals I lost in a computer crash. I got some back through Facebook having them but these are the only 2 Christmas photos I have of my past. All I have are my memories now.

And even though I try very hard to pretend December 25th is just another day,... the smells in my building of turkey dinners remind me of what I am missing.

I am missing my granddaughter. I didn't know you could miss someone you have never even met. But it's the memories of Christmas's with my own girls that makes my heart weep for my granddaughter. I am missing so much. Too much.

I hate this time of year. November 29th is the birthday of the twins, and from there on in it's just a build up of Christmas, Christmas, everywhere!!!! You can't escape it. Even as a recluse who never leaves my apartment it is still in my face everywhere I turn. Every show and newscast shoves it down my throat. Or at least thats how it feels for someone who dreads it.

Christmas is a difficult time of year.

                            ******************************

If someone knows this place, please pick me up and bring me there as I can't think of a better place I would like to be than in a cabin in the woods with my kittens on Christmas morning. Now THAT would be a gift I would be grateful for,....

Ontario Housing did it again

So disappointed in housing again,....

I opened my door to find yet another memo in my mail slot. We seem to get them a couple of times a month. memoes telling us things we are doing wrong and we better smarten up,.... (Is this prison?)

Todays memo,...

We are no longer allowed to leave stuff in the common room. Now this may not sound like a big deal but to the poor in this building that can't always get food it will stop them from getting it. Other people in this building put out food and clothes to give away for free to the other folk in this buillding that need it. We have been doing this un-officially for the 9 years I have lived here. But some KAREN must have complained and now we are not allowed to leave stuff in there anymore. And if we do,.... they will dispose of it. So let me get this straight, Housing would rather THROW OUT FOOD than allow the poor to use it ~ who need it. THAT is ridiculous. Someone is going to GO HUNGRY because Housing threw FOOD IN THE TRASH!!! rather than do good and help,..... I dont' get how they operate,... I really dont. It really does feel as if they hate us and are working to do everything they can to make our lives harder than it already is,....

I called the woman who wrote the memo at Ontario Housing. The SAME woman that treatened me with eviction. I left a message on her phone. (she never seems to pickup when I call so I had to leave a message hmmmmm) I was very careful to sound calm,... not raise my voice or swear,... and I told her that she is removing something people in this building COUNT ON. The last thing I said was this is so typical of housing,... you cater to the KARENS who complain but dont' even ask how the rest of us feel,... just take away something we have been doing for 9 years because someone didn't like looking at it and complained. What harm is some food and clothes sitting out with a free sign doing to anyone,...???? NOTHING!  No harm at all infact it was doing a lot of good. It was literally a KAREN - who had nothing better to do than tattle and ruin it for the rest of us. 

But this proves Housing just takes complaints and writes up memos without even investigating.

We are given these NO MORE DOING THIS ALLOWED memos all the time,.... do they not have anythign better to do than work AGAINST the poor tenants in this building????? They are so into their rules and regulations that they can't see the actual NEED of the poor in this building. Food and clothes!!!!!

I myself have taken food from the common room when desperate. Now that opportunity is gone because of one fucking KAREN! That housing catered to,.... again,....

Instead of learning what is going on in this building,... they steer clear and rely on the tatlling of KARENS. I have been a victim of this for years with Tonya. She tells them lies,... they believe,... they don't even contact me let alone ask me my version,... they then just punish,....

They have far too much power and the treat us like a bunch of kids living in a dorm,...

This is my home but the rules and regulations keep me miserable here,....

I wish the employees of Ontario Housing should have to spend ONE MONTH in my apartment living on an ODSP salary,... so they can see what REALLY goes on in this building. But they dont' want to know as that would cause work for them,... better to just take the karens tattling at face value and put it in a memo so we never have to go to the building ourselves. 

They don't see us tenants as in need. They see us as people who should just shut up and be grateful they gave us an apartment in the first place,....

No thanks,... I'd rather be dead than live here anymore.

And that is being arranged,.....

FUCK YOU Ontairo Housing for treating all of us the same as your WORST tenant. To you - we are ALL lowlife scum that just needs to be kept in line. Rules, rules, rules,.... you can't even fart in this building without a KAREN tattling on you

No wonder Brianne left,... she is the woman who bent over backwards to FIGHT housing to allow me to move back,... but she left. And I'm pretty sure I know why. Because she has a heart and was in the job to HELP people and she wouldn't have been allowed to do that in her job with Ontario Housing. She probobly got tired of the walls she faced preventing her from actually doing good for people, and left for a job where she was ALLOWED to help the poor. 

Ontario Housing keeps us in line with threats,..... THAT is not a nice way to live,.... If I'm not out of here by spring then DEATH will be the only option as I REFUSE to live in this building. I would literally rather DIE!

and I'm working on that,....

Stress is slowly killing me

For anyone who knows about blood pressure, looking at this reading has probobly made you do a double take. For those not aware,... a normal adult bp is 120/80. This has my systolic reading nearly DOUBLE. This is an emergency reading,.... but I will NOT call 911. 

Roll on DEATH!

This is all stress. I am only 62. If things were better for me I could be happy living another 25 years. But I am miserable living in this building. I will NEVER have a life staying in this building. I can't even leave my unit for the bullying,.... it has made me a recluse in these four walls and I can't take it anymore,..... 

Yet,... over the past year I have tried everything to escape this building but in the end I was just scammed and lost everything. I have had to rebuild everything since then.

I will die living here,... look at that blood pressure,.... I NEED to get out of here.

I am almost done with my end of life care. I just have to go into town and get a cheque made out to them to pay for it. In the end it has cost me $15,000.00 to buy a plot and a headstone. It was another $2000 for the pre-paid cremation. I did not even include a funeral in all of that and it has come out to nearly $20,000 with all the small incidentals on top. 

This does not even include a FUNERAL ~ just the burial.

If I hadn't been hit by a car and got a small settlement,... I would be too poor to die. But instead I have taken my money and spent it all on my end of life care.

Who knew it cost $20,000 just to get buried. 

But,... I don't complain. I couldn't use the money on anything else as noone would rent to me to give me a better life. And knowing I can't escape this building I decided I would rather die than continue living. So I choose to waste the money on my death.

But I am glad of what I am doing. Bringing the four Holyoak/Dyer/Ball women back together again. if only in eternity,... THAT I will never regret.

So today I sit here,... hoping my blood pressure causes me to have a fatal heart attack so I can finally be at PEACE.

If someone would just take a chance on me and rent me a place,... life could be good again,.... but noone will take a chance on me,.....

Sadness so deep I can't endure

I was out doing my laps yesterday. I ran into two women I knew sitting in the hall chatting. One commented "You look tired,..." I wouldn't disagree with her. I told her it was the new kittens getting up so early, smiled and moved on. But thats not true. The kittens haven't caused me any problems at all. The problem is not them,... it's stress. I am so miserable I have aged a great deal. I don't even know if my own children would recognize me right now. I look old,... tired,... stressed. All the hacking,... the harrassment form Tonya,... I just can't take it anymore ~ and I guess it shows.

I am NOT the person I used to be,..... 

(This was not written by me but found on Facebook)

Once a heart becomes too heavy with pain, it doesn’t cry anymore. It goes silent. Not because the hurt is less, but because there are no tears left to fall.

People stop explaining how broken they feel. They stop sharing their struggles. They stop hoping anyone will truly understand. They smile when they need to. They stay quiet when they are drowning inside. And they carry their sadness alone, like a storm trapped in their chest that never finds its way out.

Silence becomes their armor not because they are strong, but because they are tired of feeling unheard, unseen, and misunderstood. So they sit with the ache, day after day, holding pieces of themselves together, whispering prayers that one day the pain will soften, that breathing will feel lighter again, that living won’t hurt this much.
Your heart feels heavy right now, please know this you are not alone. Your silence is not weakness. It is the language of someone who has endured too much for too long. Even if you feel invisible, even if no one notices how hard you’re trying… your heart is still beating. And that alone is an act of bravery. Hold on, even if it’s only by a fragile thread. Your story is not over yet. Somewhere, someone cares more deeply than you could ever imagine.
        ********************************************************************

I don't agree that somewhere, someone cares more deeply than you could ever imagine,.... but,... it does explain my deep lonliness and sadness,....... and I just don't want to endure this anymore,.....

Roll on Spring as I can barely wait until then

 Another cold and frosty day. Minus 12*. Another day stuck inside.

Yesterday went downhill fast. I had a hacker in my Disney Plus and other streaming sites. It took hours of phone calls but in the end it got sorted out. I completely cancelled and deleted ALL of them and with the help of their customer service, I re-opened them under a completely different NEW email. All with passwords of just random key strokes. No identifying info in them at all,... just random lettersm numbers. 

I thought it was all good.

However, I went to open my YouTube and found someone has been in there too. I checked the history of videos watched and it was all anime and asian shit. (????) NOTHING I would ever watch. YouTube is directly connected to Google so it looks like it was my Google account that got hacked. I had to call Google. Have you ever tried to find a phone number for Google? There isn't one,....

I had to call the police again.

They agreed I have been hacked. They showed me how to do a deep forensics on how, who and where,.... I had no idea you can check all the log ins that have ever happened. It says what device logged in and when. And this person has been very, very busy. They think he/she was trying to take over my google. Waiting to change the passwords once they got in. Luckily I had just changed it a few days ago. The police showed me how to go in and log everyone out of every session  on every device and THEN change all the passwords. This took me three hours!

But again now I have all new accounts under new emails and new passwords. 

But the best bit,... the police are now keeping an eye on everything. They have set it up so we can see instantly the minute someone logs in that shouldn't have. I now have ALERTS that have been installed by their virus protection. I even bought a second virus protector on top of the one I already have.

Now, they say if anyone gets into any of my sites now,... they have remote access to my laptop somehow and THAT is a very scary thought. We never found out WHO, but we do have their device and location. We are just waiting for them to try and log in again so we can catch them,...

My life is hard already. To have someone single me out to intentionally cause me stress and problems is so low. If I had a life on top of this I could balance it out and say at least I have my family, etc,... but I can't say that. Becasue I have no one. So THIS on top of my miserable life? Has just made me more determined to end it.

I have somehow become someones project. An annonymous person has singled me out and has made it theri mission to upset me. Well to whoever you are??? Go ahead,... I have had enough and I won't be around much longer anyway. BECAUSE of this witch hunt,.... I am not living,... I am hiding from being attacked by an invisable entity.

It's stressful,... it's frustrating,... and I am at my end with it all. I will never understand the need to hurt other people,.... in anonymity. They must feel so big and powerful behind that keyboard. But WHY?

Well, it will all be over soon anyway,.... roll on spring. This is not a life,... this is lingering in emptiness and being targeted while you wait to die. NOT FUN AT ALL and I the only way I know to get ALL of this to stop is to die.

You can't harrass a dead person

I don't know who you are or why you are doing this,... but do you really want a DEATH on your sonscionce??? Because I will be dead by spring and then who will you have to harrass???????

I'm just a recluse nobody wants or likes and on top of that I have to deal with assholes and hackers,... Not COOL! And I have definitely HAD ENOUGH!!!!!

I finally found Lizzy's grave

You know your in Canada when you wake up to MINUS 23*. It's so cold the snow doesn't melt. Even now in the late afternoon there is still a thin layer of snow on the roads. And cars still have the puff of white blowing behind them. Snow has come early this year. I am pretty much stranded inside now. I can't get a walker through the snow so I have to get everything delivered until spring.

In doing my headstone, I got interested in my ancestry again. I actually started the whole thing to find my Grandma Idas grave. We never found it as she was interned in a paupers unmarked grave. It's the whole reason I have choosen to buy a headstone for myself. So I can memorialize her finally.

I also couldn't find my great grandmother "Lizzie" Ball's grave. We found my Great Grandfather and his first wife,... but couldn't find her. Until today. Today I found her grave. She is buried in the Old Brampton cemetery (the one on Wilson Street) I could not believe it. I know that cemetery well and have been there often. Infact as a teenager I went to a high school just down the street from it. If only I had know way back then in the late 1970's that I would be walking through the cemetery of my Great Grandmother Elizabeth Ann Ball. Not only is she buried there, but also her babies that passed away as well. Lillian and Reby. Both only months old. So many lost babies in this line of women. Myself included,... makes you wonder,... hmmmm,... 

So now I have accounted for all of these women. My mothers ashes were scattered in BC by her son,... Ida is in an unmarked grave,... and now Lizzy is found, buried in the Brampton Cenetery in Block B, Range 13, Lot 17. I wish I could find a picture of it but noone has uploaded it to the "find a grave' website. Anyone reading this live near here?????

I think it's time I brought all these women back together. Validate them on granite. Prove we all existed. 

At least I've done one thing in my life right. I am bringing the family back to rest in peace together.

The grave of my Great Grandfather Levi Dyer and his first wife Gwendolin buried at "Hillside Gore Cemetery" in Brampton (also known as Clairview). But his second wife Lizzy was not found.

Sunday morning feeling sad

 This is where I wish I was today,...

This is my reality,....

*************************************************

It's been a weird weekend. Usually Saturday is game day and Sunday is "Watching YouTube off-grid videos" day. But Manchester doesn't even play until tomorrow so it's kind of thrown my schedule off this week. Yesterday was instead spent trying to sort out all my social media by deleting most of them but the ones I kept I had to change all my passwords. I also had to phone all my streaming sites as someone is piggy-backing my account. They all helped me CLOSE my present accounts and open brand new ones so hopefully that is the problem of my hacker resolved. (fingers crossed)

I have been up all night. I haven't been feeling well the past week or so. Nothing obvious,... just feel off. Tired, weak,... not myself. My Blood Pressure has been high again. Maybe thats it. But because of this, I dont' feel like doing anything. So today I am just sat here watching my off-grid videos. Wishing I was there,... In Newfoundland, on an island, in an old saltbox house with my all my pets,... But instead I am living vicariously through other people just to stop myself from going insane from the boredom of my own life.

I'm feeling even more cut off from everything today. I am starting to become restless and I think cabin fever is setting in. I never leave this building now. I rarely even leave my unit. To say I have become a recluse would be an understatement. I find not being around people anymore much less stressful. Just keeping to myself.

But it's lonely. And it's a lonliness that I can't describe. It's etched right into your soul. Noone to talk to,... just 2 kittens. I watched a movie last night called "Train Dreams" and it is the closest I have seen to describing the life I am living now. Alone,... lonely,... but it's more than that. It's having no purpose. I could really relate to this character who had lost everything early in his life and then wandered around hoping,... but never finding love again. It was quite sad and it left me feeling empty. 

I look out my window and the snow falls,... it's beautiful. But it just leaves me sad as I never go out there anymore. Way back in the 1970's there was a song out called "Jackie Blue" by the Ozark Mountain Daredevils. The first line of the song is " Oh oh,... jackie Blue,... Lives her life from inside of a room,..."  Who knew how prolific that song would be for me 50 years later,.... where I am living my life inside a room,....

sad

 

Can't wait to be dead

December 7th. While the rest of the world is out shopping for Christmas, I am out buying a plot in a cemetery and a headstone to go with it. I haven't celebrated Christmas in a few years now. The cost is ridiculous for one thing, but the main reason is I'm alone. Noone thinks of me on Christmas day (and I am talking about my daughters). So I have found that just pretending Christmas doesn't even exist is the best way to get through this horrible miserable season.

I don't buy gifts (for who?). I don't put up decorations. I couldn't even if I wanted to as I don't have any. And I don't feel like wasting my money on useless decorations when I'll be dead within the year anyway. No point. I am trying not to buy anything I don't 100% NEED as I plan on dying within 6 months. I don't have family to hand it all down to, so it will all just go to charity. I am actually trying to keep everything to a minimal so noone will get "stuck" with dealing with my stuff.

God forbid my family get "STUCK" with me.

The world seems to have got 'stuck' with me my whole life and they didn't want me when I was alive,... so noone is going to want my stuff when I die. Better to just keep things simple. Just necessities.

Headstone should be bought and paid for and installed within the month. The will should be finished by the new year and then,... 

I am out of here,....

We can now be together in eternity

I was born into chaos in the fall of 1963. To a teenage mother named Diane. Diane lived in a tiny house in Toronto on Old Weston Road. In this house lived My Grandma, Diane, and 4 other siblings. My grandfather had died leaving my Grandma pregnant with her 7th child and no way to look after her brood. The home was chaotic. The kids all ran wild after my Grandma became exhausted trying to cope with it all. My mother,... to add more to the chaos, got pregnant with me. And we all resided there in chaos.

I was born in September 1963 in Grace Hospital. But Diane was a confused and troubled young girl. Parenting was not her thing and in the end I was removed from the home when I was about a year old. She ended up in the Gult Reformatory for Girls after the courts deemed her 'incourigable'. She remained in there for a few years. Later it was discovered that all inside were abused horribly. My mother included. My mother ended up fleeing to British Columbia after "a fur coat robbery gone wrong" (??? noone ever elaborated on this) and I never saw her again. She lived a gypsy lifestyle and eventually died in 2013. My half brother buried her ashes in the woods of the BC mountains. There was no grave or memorial to mark her life. That was in 2013.

Her mother,... My Grandmother,.... Ida Maye Dyer, had an even worse life. She was born in the Brampton area (although back then it didn't have a name yet ~ just Peel County). When Ida was just 4 years old, her mother passed away from anemia. A complication from getting the spanish flu. Her little sister Lillian died the same week of the same thing. Now they were a farming family. With the passing of the mother, there was noone to look after Ida the reamining 4 year old child. So she was shipped off to live with her Aunt and Uncle in Brampton. She travelled around a bit like a gypsy (having a daughter at the age of 20 while unmarried) before marrying my grandfather Victor Holyoak. But within a few short years, life fell completely apart. Victor died and her life spirralled out of control. The kids all eventually left home and she ended up in a private nursing home in Parkdale Ontario. She lingered here for YEARS,... about 20!!! She had gone somewhat senile and noone knew who she was. She lingered in that nursing home alone for years and years and years,... She was basically thrown away and forgotten about and left to rot ~ just like me. When she finally passed away, the city buried her in a paupers grave that was unmarked. After years of research, I still can't find where her final resting place is. 

Her mother,.... Elizabeth Ann Ball,... was another gypsy. She wandered from place to place living in different residences as a domestic for years before marrying and then having 4 children. One, Lillian, that died as an infant with her during the spanish flu. She died at 39 years old. Very young. And her family was split up and scattered after that. Her husband (James Henry Dyer) and his first wife Gwendyline were buried in Gore Cemetery but there is no grave for his second wife Lizzie Ball there. To this day, I still can't find where she has been laid to rest. 

So if you were to look at all the women in my family for the past 4 generations, you will see that we have all been displaced,... lost,... all of us wandered looking for a place to belong. Our families giving us away leaving us orphans. All of us,... alone,... recluses,... and in the end dying alone.

Because all of us women are scattered all over Canada and none of us really has an official resting place, I felt it was time to bring us all back together. And that is why I am choosing to memorialize them on my own headstone when I pass on. It is time to remember and validate these women. 

So today the woman at Meadowvale cemetery and I have been designing a headstone. It will have my name as the one buried in the plot. But it will also have in memory my 3 ancestors. Three woman lost in life - estranged from their families. 

This was the final result so far. We still have to polish it up with the right font,etc,... but this is a general idea of what it will look like in the end.

So I may have not done a lot of good in my life. But maybe, I can take some comfort in knowing that I atleast did my dna and found all of these women and brought them all back together again. 

"Lizzy" Elizabeth Ann Ball

"Ida Maye Dyer"
"Diane Holyoak"

"Jacqueline Rose Holyoak"

At least we will be together in eternity

just had to get this off of my chest

The building is finally getting camera survellance. I have been asking for cameras in this building for over 5 years now but I have been given excuse after excuse why they won't. It's against the law,... it's a privacy issue,... no matter how many times I asked - they flat out said no. Yet,.... every other building Ontario Housing runs HAS CAMERAS except this one. I was asking for them as Tonya was lying to them saying I was doing all this stuff ~ I WAS NOT DOING! and getting in trouble as I couldn't prove I hadn't done it. So I was asking for cameras so Tonya couldnt pull this bullshit anymore.

I asked for over 5 years!!!!!! All I got was no,.....

So imagine my surprise when I got a memo in my mailbox saying they will be installing cameras. Halleluyah!!!! Now Tonya will NEVER be able to say I did somethign I didn't do. NOW we have a camera to go back and check. I cannot be happier they are installing cameras. It is what this building has been needing for years. All the bullshit that goes on around here will finally be recorded and I will never have to swallow Tonyas accusations again. I will be PROVEN RIGHT and she will be proven for the liar she is.

NOW how are you going to harrass me Tonya????? Between my doorbell camera (which proves when I leave and come back) and now these new cameras,... it will prove I DO NOTHING WRONG! Poor Tonya,... now she can't lie,....

I just had to get that off of my chest

So happy

Counting down the days now

I was awoken at 5:30 by the nibbles of the kittens looking for their breakfast. I rarely get to sleep past 6 anymore. But I don't mind. Having these kittens has given me a life. Looking after them,... gives me a purpose and something to do during these boring days of nothingness. I am so sick of watching tv I can't even tell you how much,... but now that the snow is here, I won't be going anywhere now until spring. I am now stuck inside for the reamaining winter months,.... ugh,...

Yesterday I had to take Murphy to the vet. Even though it was cold, it was also clear so I was able to get their easily. I put a hot water bottle inside the cat carrier to keep the 2 cats warm. Then I bundled up and off we went. Murphy is fine. He was just not liking wearing the protective suit I had to put on him. The minute I took it off,... he got the zoomies and was fine. We all had a good laugh over that. Then when I put it back on him after the appointment? He went all sad and lathargic again. What a monkey-bum. He had me fooled into thinking he was sick. But they are both fine. 100% good. And as long as they stay healthy that will be the last of the vets appointments for a while.  

When I woke up this morning, I did my usual morning routine. I fed the cats and turned the coffee on. I then wash my face and brush my teeth. Usually the coffee isn't quite done, so I open my front door and go out into the hall to look outside. It has a big window looking out over the parking lot/gazebo area. I have done this for years. It lets me see what the weather is like,... I don't know. It's just a morning routine I have done for years.

Anyway, this morning I opened the door and Murphy tried to escape so I kind of ran out into the hall and shut the door behind me quickly. So I wasn't immediately aware Tonya was standing infront of her door with her dog. We both looked at each other (we are 5 doors apart) I half expected her to come over and finally make that apology she owes me. But no,... she just stood there with that guilty look on her face and sheepishly looked down. She knows she is wrong and she knows I know she did everything. If she WASN'T GUILTY, then she should have come marching down here and screamed at me to stop accusing her on my blog!!! But she didn't. Because she is guilty as guilty can be and she knows it. She is now backed into a corner and needs to come forward and clear it all up. She needs to finally admit what she has done and apologize. But I could see by the look on her immature face that she is never going to apologize. I will never get rid of this woman unless I leave this building.

Here is an example of how her nasty phone calls to the police over the past 5 years has effected me. This morning (after I had seen Tonya), I scooped the litter boxes and then brought the bag down to the garbage room. It wasn't even 7 in the morning yet. As I was walking down the hall, I saw 3 police cars and and an ambulance come flying into the parking lot. Instead of thinking, "Oh dear, I hope noone is hurt or sick",... I think "Oh shit,... what has Tonya called them for this time?" And that makes me panic. I started to shake and got light headed and flew back to my unit ready to lock the door and not answer. (panic attack!) But, they weren't here for me,... but because of Tonya calling them over and over for stupid lies,... (she drew on my door,... she told me to wear a mask during lock downs,...) For the record once and for all ~ I DID NOT DRAW ON TONYA HALLS DOOR! That was her,.... she did it herself. But this is how she operates. Lies,... Lies,... Lies,... a little girl on a playground. Looking for attention.

I have found in the past that these 'visits' from the police come after she sees me somewhere. It's almost like she sees me and thinks "oh yeah, I haven't done anything to her in awhile so I should now" it's like seeing me, triggers her into doing something. So when I saw her this morning in the hall and then 20 minutes later the police show up ~ I have to admit I thought she had called them with a new lie. I paniced. I should not have to live this way. Fearful everytime a cop car pulls into our parking lot. All I could think was "What did she tell them now?". But in the end,... they weren't here for me. But it ruined my morning all the same. PANIC. This is what harrassing me with the police does,... but she doesn't care,... I'm sure she is proud she did that!

And this is where I dont' think she realizes the DAMAGE she causes people with her immature silly head games. It's a game to her,... It's FUN for her,... I have to live knowing the little girl down the hall can call the cops anytime and LIE! And not only lie,... GET AWAY WITH IT. But now that there is an on-going investigation on her, the police are now AWARE of her games. So even though factually I knew they know all about Tonya,... my body still reacted in a panic attack. 

I can't live this way

I wish Tonya Halls would move,.... if she moved,.... my life would be ok. I can handle Darren Green and Mark Rathwell,.... but Tonya is relentless with her childish lies and gossip and I just can't deal with it anymore.

But I won't have to for much longer. As soon as all my 'end of life' stuff is complete ~ I am out of here.

How fucking sad the only escape from Tonya fucking Halls is suicide,....

And she doesn't even realize the damage she has done. She enjoys it,...

Still shaking my head

I don't usually write twice in one day but I just had an upsetting experience and having no family or anyone to talk to I have to write about it to get it off of my chest. 

I have to decide who to make beneficiary in my will. Basically who will get whatever money I have remaining. It's not a lot but it would do some good to someone who is ALREADY established in a home. (as apposed to me who is starting over and would need a lot more). So I thought of my half-brother Tony who lives in British Columbia. Tony is quite a few years younger than I am. (not sure his actual age - 40'ish??). I have met him only once when he came to Ontario many years back and he met my daughters and myself. But I really don't know him. He is 'mentally challenged' although to what capacity I don't even know. But he is lovely. He is my half-brother Tony. 

So I reached out to Tony's father-in-law on Facebook. I would normally never do a 'cold call' message to someone who doesn't know me. But these are my brothers in-laws. They should KNOW he has a sister named Jacquie Holyoak. Tonys mother ~ OUR mother ~ was a HOLYOAK. (although latter changed her name to Kelly Carter???) He should recognize that name. So thinking this, I thought I would reach out to him via Facebook messenger. I introduced myself, I apologized for bothering him, and then I explained why I was reaching out to him. Every answer he gave me was RUDE. And in the end he called me a scammer,.... So I blocked him.

Now, I wasn't so much upset at the rudeness, although that wasn't necessary. I was more upset that this man had no idea who I was. It made me wonder just how invested in my brother this man was, if he didn't even know Tony had a sister and what her name was. HE SHOULD KNOW who I am if he was close to Tony. I have been on his daughters facebook page many times!!! This is my brothers father in law. Anyway,... it upset me that noone knew who I was. Again,... invisable,... a nobody,... and on top of that,... a scammer,.... so I decided to walk away from anything I had planned. I don't like to deal with people who make you feel bad. I can't do this without another capable adult to be the liason for Tony (due to Tonys diminished capability). But if this man doesn't even know who I am???? Then I have to wonder how invested in Tony he is,... I can't trust him. So I walked away.

But I feel bad for Tony. I can't do anything with Tony unless I have a liason to work through. And his mother in law just passed away so there isn't anyone else.

I just feel yet another rejection,.... noone even knew who I was,.... (except Tony - he never disappoints - he always cares) I was only trying to do something nice,.... but again,... treated like a nobody.

Now I just feel even more alone 

Now the beneficiary will be Toronto Sick Kids Hospital. ( I had to make a decison for the lawyer today) 

How sad I can't even help people because they think I'm a scammer,... wow,... how hurt,... how fucking hurt am I right now?

Now I do things MY way

Murphy woke me up at 4:45am this morning. He has not recovered as well as I had hoped from his surgery. Molly is fine. She recovered completely within 24 hours and is back to her old self. But Murphy,... I don't know what is wrong. He is quiet and very clingy. All he wants to do is cuddle on my lap. I can't put my finger on exactly what is wrong. But the sparkle in his eye isn't there. I am taking him to the vet today at 2 o'clock. It hurts my heart to see him so pasive and quiet.

My meetings yesterday both went well. Meadowvale cemetery has sent me over a bunch of suggestions to look through. I have narrowed it down to 2 options. I am really liking this new idea of bringing all the Holyoak women who were displaced in life ~ together in death. It gives me peace that we will finally all be together.

But the cost! Wow,... for me to do this it is going to be about $20 or $30,000.00. Can you believe that? THATS how much it cost to bury someone nowadays. And I'm not even having a funeral. But at this point I don't care about the money. This money I received is slowly becoming an albatross around my neck. It wasn't enough to buy property so I could escape the system. It wasn't enough to buy a car that I would be able to maintain forever,... I could purchase the car,... but wouldn't be able to financially maintain it. So even though I have this money ~ I am learning that this world is so expensive that even this amount can't help me in my situation. It has loosened my spending belt which has been nice. I no longer have to decide rent or groceries each month anymore ~ I can afford to do both now. Which has been nice. But to help this miserable situation I am in??? Not enough,... I am still stuck in the system and always will be.

So this money isn't really any good to me as it can't get me what I really want and need. However,... it can buy me a cremation and burial. And at this point I dont' give a shit how much it costs. I will blow it all. Where else can i spend it?

I want to rent a cottage ~ no transportation to get there

I want to travel ~ but I can't get a passport as I have noone to sign for me

I want to travel in Canada ~ but you need a car

I want to get my drivers licence back ~ can't get to Guelph and the places I need to go to do this

I AM STUCK

So I may as well take this money and blow it,....

I will buy the biggest and nicest headstone I can buy. WASTE this money on granite.

I still can't believe that in this day and age,... the amount of money I received cannot help me. It just isn't enough anymore. Ten years ago I would have been able to buy a small house and live happily ever after,... but nowadays, what I received wouldn't even be enough for a down payment on a house. it won't even buy me a car (as I wouldn't be able to afford to maintain it). So in the end,... it was kind of cruel. Here have all this money!!! But when I sit down and budget and try and make plans, I realize it just isn't enough in 2025. All it did was get my hopes up that I could escape only to bring me back down to earth with a thud realizing I'm not going anywhere. So in the end this settlement money did not help me get out of this shit show called 'the system'

So I am going to blow the money. I have already spent over $3000 on Molly and Murphy with all their vet bills. I have to admit it feels good to be able to give these 2 kittens everything they need. (Infact, they have much better care than I do.)

I blew more on my 'end of life' plans. Hitting about $25,000 for that.

And i will figure out how to go on vacation. I dont have a car which is making it really hard. Canada is vast and you cna't just take a bus to Muskoka to rent a cottage for the summer. You need a car. But I am determined so I will find somewhere to go for the summer to get away from 'the compound' here. I can't tell you how fed up I am of the bullying, the gossiping,... the general immature playground games,... it's relentless and I just can't take it anymore.

I will do whatever it takes to escape this building and the nasty Tonyas that are in it. Unfortuantely it looks like the only way for me to do this is to die. But if thats what it takes,.... then it will be done. I refuse to be TONYA HALLS little bitch so she and all her little minions have a game to play,.... This woman is never going to leave me alone so I have to take drastic steps to get the fuck out of here.

You may ask yourself,... How bad is this bitch that you would kill yourselfto escape her,.... yes ,.... it's that fucking bad. I WOULD RATHER BE DEAD than be her little target. My life is miserable already. SHE just makes it unbearable.

And to my daughters: I wanted nothing but a life with my two girls. But apparently I am too hard and difficult to be in your life. Your choice. But I can't sit waiting for you both to change your minds. I have waited over 25 years but I get nothing but texts. All misconstrued when read so that you hate me.

I can't change that. I have tried but neither one of you is honestly willing to give it a real chance. You came to me at arms length already hating me. I never felt like you loved me. I always felt like you were keeping me at arms length and only with me as an obligation as I am your mother.

THAT ENDED YESTERDAY

I started the ball rolling legally removing you both from my life. If you can't see it in your heart to extend an olive branch (I even offered to do therapy with Hayley) but neither one of you really wants to.

The one event I looked forward to the most after the birth of you two girls was the birth of my grandchild. THAT WAS TAKEN FROM ME. It didn't have to be that way. Noone even sat me down to say they were mad or upset!!!!! I had no clue anything was wrong. I wa so excited for that babies birth. So when I was told I was being banned from it all - I was not only SHOCKED but devastated.

I never got over that

So I realize my girls never did want me. They are never coming back. And if this is the case,... then lets just make it legal. And that is what I am in the process of doing. There is no legal process in Canada that allows parents to emancipate themselves from their child. But I can remove them from any legal rights they have after my death.

This is not what I want. It never was. I have only ever wanted my children in my life. But now, after years of being told how horrible I am,... I have to stop it all. It has severly effected my mental health. It has left me with no self confidence to the point I hate myself. This is no way to live.

So if this is THEIR choice,... I am just making it legal.

PLEASE give me an olive branch girls,.... please,....

But I know it's never going to be extended. Time to cut my losses,... do what I need to do to remove them from my lfie legally,... and then they no longer have "to deal" with me. I will no longer be thieir embarrassment.

From this day forward,... I no longer have daugters. THEY can change that this week,... but sadly they don't want to.

So I will blow this money on crap. Live a life of no scrimping and budgeting and not eating becasue I couldn't afford groceries that month. Now I live like a middle class person until the money runs out. (6 months????) and then,......

well,... noone needs to know what "then" means. if you didn't care while I was living,.... then fuck you ~ you don't care to know when I die too then,...

I asked for help ~ none came,....

NOW I DO THINGS MY WAY,.....

I think I have found a solution I feel happy with

I have been up all night. I don't sleep much anymore. So I am in my livingroom. My tv screen has the northern lights. Serene,... peaceful,... all the things I don't seem to feel right now. So I try and fake it with different YouTube ambience scenes. Maybe I can trick my mind into thinking I am there,...

I don't usually write this early in the morning. But after I got my cremation package completed, I started thinking about my decision to scatter my ashes. I just don't like that I will feel so alone with no real ties to me after my ashes are scattered. My twin sons will be in the infant section so that is some comfort that we are atleast in the same cemetery. But I still feel no attachment to anyone there.

I was adopted and in the end both families rejected me, which is why I am alone right now. As you get to this stage in life when you start to think of your end of life care, you start to really think of your life ~ existentially. The bigger picture. Where did you really come from? And where are they buried?

For me the big question is "where do I belong?". And sadly, in my heart, I don't feel I belong anywhere. My life has had a lot of turmoil, sadness and tragedy. I moved every 2 years like a gypsy never settling down. I felt as if I wandered through life trying to belong somewhere but everywhere I went,... families were already full. They didn't need another member. So I became the once or twice a year 'relative' but had no real 'connection' to anyone. I thought I was genuinely close to my Aunt D, but in the end, she was just being nice too and didn't really want me. It seemed everyone kept me at arms length with noone letting me in. I spent my life alone looking to belong. Sadly,... I never found where that was. 

A few years ago I did my ancestry, as being adopted, I didn't know my biological roots. And what I found was actually very sad. I found a line of "Holyoak" woman who seemed to all follow this exact same pattern. Moving around,.. never belonging or fitting in,... and then dying alone. But the worst thing about all of us ~ none of us has a final resting place. We all got lost in the poverty and ended up in paupers or unmarked graves. None of us with our families,... all of us alone.

Four of us (I include myself like I am already dead ~ shows my state of mind) All buried alone in an unmarked grave.

So I have had this idea simmering around in my head. What if,... what if I took all four of us women and made a memorial (headstone) with all of us on there? I myself would be buried there and my details would be on a headstone. (or plaque or memorial) and on that I would have an "in memory" (or something of that nature) with my 3 ancestors and their details on there as well. I would put:

 "All alone in life,... but together in eternity,..."

So I looked into this. And some cemeteries will allow this. But to make a stronger case, I could buy a plot or niche for myself so that I could secure a plaque or headstone which would allow me to include my 3 lost ancestors. I would love to be able to remember,... valadate,... and honour them. 

So that will be todays project. But I also have my first appointment with the lawyer to draw up my will. Once I have spoken with him I will have a much better idea of what I need moving forward. Will I need to hire an executor? Will I need to set up a trust fund for allocating my funds? All things I have no idea about. But hopefully by the end of today, I will have a lot of answers so I can make some final decisions. And once I have made all the decisons I can finally rest. Right now I feel anxiety until I get it all finalized.

My daughters have until one o'clock today to reach out,... and then they will be legally removed as my 'next-of-kin' with a clause removing them from every aspect of my life/death. They choose to hurt me by pushing me out and that was THEIR choose ~ not mine. All I can do is hope they reach out by this afternoon,... but I don't hold out any hope they will. Very sad how disaposable people are in this life. I am going to come out and say it,... I would have been an awesome "Meemaw" to that little girl if only I had been given the chance,... 

*** sigh *** But you can't change others,... only yourself. And because of this I will go to my grave knowing I was a failure and couldn't even keep my own children. That has been a difficult realization to bear. And in the end I couldn't,...

Some people have great lives. And to those people, I wish you all a long life. But for me, I have had 25 years of lonliness,... wandering around trying to fit in,.... and it was miserable. I was rarely happy. Knowing this,... I think it's time to call it a day. I tried,... I failed,... But in the end, maybe I can do something good to make up for it. Maybe I can bring the four lost women in this family back together ~ if only on a headstone.

My mother: Diane Holyoak 1945 - 2013

*************************

Grandmother: Ida Maye Dyer 1916 - 1994

*************************

Great Grandmother: Elizabeth Ann Ball 1879 - 1920

*************************

*********************************************************************

I am not perfect

neither were they

Life spiralled and I became overwhelmed

But I don't think I'm a monster that deserves to miss out 

on the enjoyment of my grand daughter

And not having my children and grandchildren in my life

is just too big a burden to bear

I'm sorry

I did try

but for some reason I don't know

this world rejected me

and the pain of this is just too unbearable

November 29th always leaves me spiralling

 

Another day of the fluffy white stuff

Yesterday was November 29th. The birthday of my twin sons. (they both died a few days after birth) They would have been 36 today if they had lived. It's funny how I can go for long periods of time not even thinking about them. But whenever this date arrives,... I spiral. I try not to make any kind of deal about it, but my mind does not forget. Even after all these years, I can still remember every detail about that day like it was last year. (here is a link to that blog post)

I tried to put a link in here but it won't work. It's the blog post dated November 29th 2024

I spent the day quietly. Trying not to think about it. But any mother will tell you ~ you can't forget the day your child dies,.... it is burnt into your memory.  Even after 36 years. So the day was quiet and somber.

Murphy hasn't recovered as fast as Molly has so I have had to keep an eye on him. He had two surgeries (neutered and a hernia was repaired). Molly is up and full of beans but Murphy has not left my side. He is either asleep on my chest or sitting beside me. He just doesn't want to leave my side. I was given some pain relief meds to give him and I think it has rendered him completely stoned. He just seems out of it. Yesterday was his last dose so I am hoping to see him pick up sometime today. If not, his post-op vet appointment is Wednesday. 

Although Game day is usually Saturday, Manchester played today instead. So I have had a quiet morning watching the game. They won. 

Overall, I am still miserable and don't want to be breathing. Life has gotten too physically hard and I just can't keep up anymore. The pain in my hands has prevented me from doing everyday tasks I need to do. I often get frustrated not able to open a bottle or jar. Even brushing my teeth is painful. With noone to help out, I am just not coping.

The cremation is all complete now. Written up and signed. My appointment with the lawyer to draw up a will is on December 2nd (Tuesday). That one is going to be hard as I have noone to leave the money to. I refuse to allow my children to have anything after turning their backs on me. But there just isn't anyone else. So I have had to decide who to leave this money to. I have narrowed it down to sick kids hospital or dividing it up to the 3 or 4 people who were there for me in BC and helped me when i was homeless. Why should my children get the money when they KNEW I was nomeless and didn't even reach out,... while long lost cousins and strangers DID help. THEY deserve the money. So I need to figure out how to do this in a will. Once it is drawn up, signed and payed for,... it will be time.

I hate every single part of my life except the cats. These two are the only thing I worry about. I need to know they will be put into a home that is loving and kind and will take great care of them. They are both very sweet cats and would add a lot of joy to any home. They have certainly been my whole life since I got them a few months ago.

But sadly my life is just too painful to carry on. It has gotten steadily worse even in the last few months to the point that I just can't deal with the physical pain anymore. Marijuanna doesn't even dull the ache anymore,... I need something much stronger. But with no doctor or health care I can't get that. They don't give out pain meds or mental health meds at the walk-in. So I am shit out of luck and that leaves me in UNBEARABLE PAIN.

And the only escape I see is death,....

Very, very sad. Especially knowing I could have been saved,...

But thats life now. 

In the end I just wasn't worth saving.

Again,... I DON'T WANT TO DIE

But living is just too hard now. And noone wants to help,.... sad.

Just want to die now

 Today started off ok. The storm has passed. I have been up most of the night. Just stress,.... thinking,.... can't cope anymore. And it's literally making me ill. My blood pressure is so high I stopped checking it when it passed 180,... don't want to know anymore.

I am going to be brutally honest. I dont want to die. But I can't live anymore. This poverty and living under the system is just too much. I have decdied to die even though I dont' want to.

But I can't find a place to live and I refuse to live here. But apparently the only escape out of Ontario Housing is DEATH.

I dont want  doctor anymore,...

I dont' even care if my kids come back or not,... I'm tired of being the bad one and they are never wrong,....  they either love me or they don't and they ovviosuly dont But I will always believe they have been influenced in thier feelings about me. They wont admit it but they have had thier father and step mother and aunt and uncle whispering in their ears for years,..... poor poor girls such a horrible monster of a mother,.... we feel you and we are on your side,....

I am tired and just want to die.

NOONE should have to fight for health care,... or a home. But I have been forced to have to fight for both on a continual basis over and over again. The threats of eviction I just won't accept. It's inhumane and not a nice way to deal with human beings. To them we are low life scum that need to be kept in linbe they are so hoirrible. And I wont do it anymore.

I hate Canada for what it has done to me (threw me away and left me to rot)

I hate my family for throwing me away because I'm mentallly ill.

I hate my friends for giving up on me becasue of ONE FUCKING COMMENT on Facebook and believing I meant it about them! Insulting. It was never about them,....

I hate the world and I dont want to be in it anymore.

My cremation plans have been sent today for me to sign and I can't sign it fast enough. The sooner I am cremated and scattered in the wind where noone has to ever deal with the mentally ill monster ever again can't be soon enough.

I hate this whole society for making me feel absolutely hated and unloved and unwanted,....

I hate my life and that is why I am ending it.

And NONE OF YOU can say a damn fucking thing as I asked for help but not one of you picked up the phone to give me any support at all. IGNORED

 ***crickets*** 

Like I dont even exist,..... you all want to treat me like I dont' exist??? Then it's time I dont',....

If I can't escape Doug Fords Ontario poverty I WILL end my life

 I don't want to die

I just want my family

But if I can't escape housing and the system

I will end my life