This is so typical

The beautiful legacy necklace I ordered for my grandchild from Ireland???

STOLEN

I ordered 2. One ~ an expensive 18k gold with a real diamond, and a second matching one thats not as expensive as it's only10k  and a synthetic diamond instead of a real one. The expensive one was for my grandchild, The cheap(er), but still pricey knock off,  is for me so we could have matching necklaces. 

And then they also sent a free shamrock necklace as I SPENT SO MUCH MONEY,...

The package arrived today,... Only mine and the free necklace were inside and the expensive one (over $2000) was not in there. The packing slip says all three should be enclosed. So the one necklace has been stolen.

I tried to contact the company which already owes me a refund for another order that they screwed up,... and can't get in touch with a person. Just email. I left an email saying the $2000 necklace is missing from the order but the reply???? High volumn of customers and the wait just to hear back is 24 - 48 hours.

The company is GlenCara a jewellery company in Ireland. Does anyone know it and know if it's reputable? I had looked it up and thought it was,...

The first order I did, I clicked on BUY and a white screen saying "error" popped up. So I thought it hadn't gone through and did it again. Same thing. White page with "error". It dawned on me to check my bank accont and sure enough they had removed the cost TWICE. So both orders were active. (even though it said they didn't go through)  I had to contact the company to delete the first order and refund me that money but keep the second order. 

To date - many emails - but no refund and a missing necklace

To say I am worried is an understatement. I think I just lost over $2000.00. And there is nothing I can do but WAIT for their reply as they have NO PHONE NUMBER AT ALL! It has taken over a week of emails just to sort out that first order,... but today - I got the refund. So that was promising that it's not a scam company,...

However,... I am missing a $2000 necklace that has a packing slip that says it was packed and in my delivery,... how do I prove it wasn't? I am so worried that they will say it was in there - your loss - tough luck. And apparently I now have to wait 24 to  48 hours for them to even read my email.

I am so worried that I have just lost $2000 

I was only trying to do something nice for my granddaughter

So typical of my life,... nothing ever works out,... maybe this is another sign it's time to throw in the towel. Your losing,... everything you do you lose at now,... time to throw in the towel. The game is over and you have lost.

Go home now

I just need to "go away"

I am not even close to the same person I was 5 years ago. Life has changed me and not in a good way.

Infact I would argue there isn't even any of "me" left. I disappeared years ago. Today I am in survival mode. And I have been for a very long time.

I have also learned that my family wants nothing to do with me - I'm a mentally ill  monster. That is something that effects you right to your core,... I thought I was a good preson all my life. But now I realize I was not and nobody likes me. That too is something that effects you right to your core,..

And my pain and where I live have me in desperation Not a very proud thing to be in but thats how m y life has turned out. 

Living in survival mode,... Learning I am not wanted,... Having to cope with so much pain,... Living in this compound,... not being able to do simple things anymore and needing help,... have eaten away at me and eroded everything good inside of me that used to be there. I am now empty.

All of these things have changed me drastically. What used to be important no longer is. Surviving has been most important the past few years. But it's the desperation I have had in the past 6 months that have made me a recluse. I have never felt this feeling before in my entire life. But homeless is scary,... it makes you desperate. Pain is relentless. It makes you desperate. And when your desperate you don't care what people think anymore. You just need to survive. I became a recluse ~ completely hiding away from society. And in doing this, you tend to lose all your social graces. I no longer know how to "be" in social event. But more to the point ~ I never want to anymore. People have hurt me so much I just want to be left alone.

But the survival mode and the desperation have left people thinking I'm crazy,... and then they completely write you off. Now, your just a buden,... an annoyance,... and you can feel it everytime you deal with someone,... so you close off the world and hide. 

But in the end,... even if I was/am crazy,... is that any less reason for me to be helped? I'm still a person in pain who needs medical attention,... 

I've been written off as crazy ~ I just need to go away,..... I told you there was no place on this planet for me,... this is just another thing to prove it.

And THIS is why I won't ask for help again,...

I phoned my local MP's office a few days ago and TRIED to explain my situation and that I need health care in the States if I can't get in here in Canada. However, I am having problems getting a passport as I have noone to sign for me. When I looked into this on-line, they actuallys suggested I contact my MP Office for help to find someone to sign for me. THAT is what I was asking for NOT HOW to get a passport,... so they didn't even listen to what I actually needed,... he must have heard my voice and my name and rolled his eyes and just heard key words,.... I wasn't even important enough for him to listen to what I was actually asking for - help to get a signature NOT a passport,....

The nest day I emailed them (before I received their email) explaining my desperate situation and How I can't look after myself anymore and need help with that. In other words a constiuate in this mans jurisdiction is struggling and this was his reply.

It made me feel like I was annoying him,... I have only contacted this office 4 times in 5 years so thats less than once a year. To me he sounded like he thought I was crazy (note the mental health resources he made sure he included) which I found a bit insulting,.... go away you crazy lady!!......and bothering him like it wasn't his job to help the community and why was I contacting him?????,... I don't know what an MP's job is,... but I would think that when someone emails - saying they are DESPERATE,... to maybe not say we gave you a number to call already so go call them. I said I could not look after myself anymore ~ hoping he might point me in the direction of some actual help resources, but he must not have read that as he offered no help there - just annoyance that I dared to RE-ask for something in the first place.

What is an MP's job?????

So I replied back to that email:

Sorry to have bothered you - it won't happen again

And I hope he has the grace to at least feel bad,......I will never ask for help from this office again - complete waste of time and again,... soomeone made me feel unworthy and undeserving of help. How dare I bother someone for help!!!

You know, I am starting to think that desperation comes across as crazy,... and once people think you are crazy? Just go away,... suddenly your life is a bother to everyone else,.... 

*********************************************************

Chong, Michael - M.P.<michael.chong@parl.gc.ca>

Dear Jacquie,

As we have previously tried to explain to you, Drs and the OHIP system are managed by the provincial government.

I understand that you have been in contact with Joseph Racinskys office I suggest you try them again.

If you are IN CRISIS OR NEED SUPPORT? Call anytime! 1-844-437-3247 or check out this site Home - Here 24/7 - 1-844-437-3247 (HERE247) Thinking about suicide? 9-8-8 is here to help. Call or text 9-8-8 toll-free, anytime.

In your voice mail this morning you indicate you are looking to get a replacement ( renew) your passport.

If you have a printer you can print an application form from this website. How to renew a passport in Canada - Canada.ca If not you can pick one up at our office next Monday 9-12 or 1-4:30 the old Fergus swimming pool 190 St David St South – the entrance and parking are at the back of the building off of Queen St.

The completed passport application can be taken to any Service Canada office ( Guelph or Orangeville are the closest) or we can provide your phone number to the Service canada group that comes to the Aboyne Library ( between Fergus and Elora)  and they can try to book you an appointment to drop it off there.

Jim Campbell-Smith, Assistant to

Hon. Michael Chong, M.P.

Wellington-Halton Hills North

1-866-878-5556

519-843-7344

Michael.chong.c1a@parl.gc.ca

www.michaelchong.ca

My MP sounded annoyed I asked for help again,...

 I had called our MP office and left a voicemail asking about health care. I had also left an email asking for help getting my passport appication signed. I got a message back that almost sounded like they are MAD at me for asking for help,... It basically said "as we have told you in the past when you contacted our office we don't deal with OHIP and hEalth care and he gave me the name of someone I already have been in touch with and couldn't help.

I had asked about getting help for signing my passport. They totally blew over that too just giving me the instructions on how to get a passport,... I already know how to get a passport,... I need help getting someone to sign for me,... but they didn't even touch on that.

It honestly felt like they were annoyed I had asked for help again,....

Thats it

I'm fucking done

NOONE IS EVER GOING TO HELP - I'm just an annoying burden now that people are geting anopoyed that I'm reaching out for help,...

now I'm annoying,....

last straw im done 

what a fucking waste of time and energy that was yesterday reaching out - noone could help.

NOONE

When your MP gets annoyed when you contact them? It's time to give in and just die,...

NO HELP IS COMING

All I wanted was some health care but couldn't get it - so now just want to die

I sit here tonight in the hopes of dying,....

I don't want to die but I am so tired of fighting for basic health care and not getting what I need.

Tired of fighting 

just want to die now

i hope its tonight

All I wanted was health care - just like eveyone else gets

But I'm a worthless invisable piece of shit that noone can see or wants to help

I just need to 

DIE
DIE
DIE

 Hopefully I will die of a heart attack today 

FUCK YOU CANADA

 All I need is surgeries to make this unbearable pain go away,... and get the use of my hands and arms back

so why is that so hard?

I go to the walkin - can't give me surgeries as I have no doctor,... (??)still dont understand the logic of this,....

I go the ER - can't give me surgeries as I have no doctor,.... again why????? the or is right there,.... just do it,...

My whole pain - that is so fucking unbearable I am wanting to die - can be taken away in 2 surgeries,....

but without a doctor - no surgeries,... why?????? Becasue there is noone to do the adminastrative duties,....

you know what,... I"LL do the fucking admin work so I can get these damn surgeries,... I used to work in a medical office and I can do exactly the paper work needed,...

I can't believe that I am going to die because of fucking paper work and having no doctor

YOU CANT EXPECT PEOPLE TO LIVE IN ABSOLUTE PAIN AND NOT KILL THEMSELVES with it being just too unbearab le to cope with,...

YOU have the power to get me surgeries but WON'T

so killing myself is the only option

fuck you canada

i die because you had noone to do fucking paperwork so I could have life changing surgeries

I hate canada

I hate having no doctor

And I hate that none fucking cares that I am STILL in great pain and can't handle it

But hey

I'm just a nobody

I cant take it anymore and more to the point I shouldn't have to

They are forcing me to live in Pain so they have no fucking say when I kill myself

I dont have a choice at this point as I just cant take the pain anymore,...

FUCK YOU CANADA

I am so desperate. I can't take this pain any longer,...

I resorted to making a fool of myself on Facebook by posting how desperate I am and I need help.

NOT ONE PERSON acknowledged that post.

I can just imagine my family reading it. They will be saying "She just wants attention" or something of that nature and that has been the problem all along. Either nobody believes me or nobody cares,... and either way it's not good for me.

But when you can't look after yourself anymore and noone cares,.... it's time to say goodbye,....

fuck you all,...

I asked for help but i was either laughed at or ignored,....

I have never felt more unwanted and unloved and a joke than I do right now,...

I can't go on - it's not even my choice anymore. I literally physically cannot help myself anymore

Tinme to fucking die!!!!!~ and die knowing my family could have cared and even helped but they instead CHOOSE to believe the worst and ignore me.

I fucking die alone knowing noone cared,.....

I hate this fucking world and I can't wait to be dead and buried and then you can all celebrate with a party,...

Jacquie the mentally ill monster is DEAD!!!!!!

The health care in Canada has gone to shit

 I can't look after myself anymore,.... I can't hold a cup of coffee,... I can't prepare food to cook,... I can't even wash my own hair,...

I need fucking HELP!!!!!!

It's late evening and I tried to sleep but the pain in my hand and arm has gotten so severe I can't. It has become UNBEARABLE. So i got up and tried to get help,...

811 - supposedly our Ontario health line if you don't have a doctor. I have called this before but hung up before the red tape even ended. Tonight I was deterimined to at least talk to someone. But after 8 minutes of red tape I got told it was busy and would be 12 hours.

I give up

I cannot take this pain anymore. My whole arm is pins and needles and now it's got a deep heavy ache as well as uncontrallable itching. NERVE DAMAGE

Honestly, I have never worked so hard as to get help for this arm and hand.

No doctor,.... wlak in does NOTHING,.... ER does nothing,.... so i call 811 - they do NOTHING,....

So what the fuck am I suppose to do?

It is getting worse over time - not better,....

I CANT FUCKING TAKE THIS ANYMORE

WHERE CAN I GET SOME FUCKING HELP???????

And after I'm dead and buried you will all ask,.... why did she kill herself???? 

Becasue I was fucking invisable and suffering

It's Christmas day. The cats let me sleep in until 6:30 so Merry Christmas to me from Molly & Murphy. And if truth be told, it hasn't been a terrible day so far. Okay, it's not even one o'clock yet but the sun is shining so brightly I just can't be in a bad mood. I was well aware what day it was when I woke up ~ hard to forget. But it didn't weigh as heavy on me as I thought it was going to. I had my coffee and even did some cleaning. Scrubbing out toilets on Christmas morning,... but the ocd in me found it almost soothing to clean. It was something familiar and it distracted me. 

Now I am sat infront of the tv and I'm about to watch my annual "Call The Midwife" marathon. I watch every Christmas episode they made. It's not the same as being with my family but I love this show enough it satisfies my need to distract myself away from my daughters and granddaughter. As much as it can do,...

I'm sure it will hit me later. A scene from my tv show,... something will end up setting me off and I will probobly end up a puddle on the floor. But for now,... I try and remain positive.

After the year I have had,... I could be in a far worse place than I am today. I could still be homeless in BC,... so in light of that, I will try and remain positive by reminding myself that I have a roof over my head, hot and cold running water and heat. The cupboards are bare but thats not because I'm down and out anymore. It's because the weather hasn't let up and I can't get out to walk anywhere. So I may be alone without my family. But I do have Molly and Murphy (who is realing enjoying that sunbeam) and they have brought me a lot of joy to my life. No negatives with them.

So with this thinly layered bravado,... I am choosing peace over pain.

So Merry Christmas everyone.

And maybe on this day take a moment to reflect on your family,...

It really is a season for forgiving ~ so make that phone call,... 

 

Why am I even fucking alive?

I am dying where I am,... I desperately need to get out of Ontario Housing. But I can't,.... noone will take a chance and rent to me.

I am going insane just sitting here in my livingroom day after day bored out of my mind watching tv. I was not built to sit infront of a tv all day,... I need to DO things,...

But living 'down here' has you so trapped you can't do anything. 

I want to travel so bad. I finally have a few extra dollars and I would love to travel. But I can't,... I can't find anyone to sign my passport application. What kind of world do i live in where I'm not allowed to travel becasue noone will sign for my passport. How can this be? Just becasue of my life situation I dont' know a lot people. I can't believe that I am STUCK in my life because of OTHER people saying no,....

story of my life,.... NO,... NO,.... NO,....

I can't spend anymore time in this apartment shrivelling up and dying inside. I need to make a life for myself. But there just seems to be too many opsticles holding me back. 

I'm not asking to win the lottery people,.... I'm only asking for a passport to open the door to travel,.... 

I can't believe that my life is so empty and every thing I do to change it just gets thrown in my face with a NO!

I'm poor ~ not a criminal ~ yet I am made to feel like I have done something wrong and now I don't get what others seem to get so easily and without thought,....

All i want to do is go on a vacation outside of Canada,....

I can't sit infront of the tv one more fucking day,....

If I can't get out and have a real life like the rest of the community seems to have? Then whats the fucking point of breathing?

I have the motivation to travel and have a life,....

But for some reason this world won't let me,....

I am so close to just giveing up. 

All I want is a fucking vacation,.... I have the money,... but my country won't recognize me to get a passport,....

I'm so depressed and frustrated at how every time I try and mvoe forward - I get told NO,.... you can't have that!!!!!!!!!

Why am I even fucking alive???????

Can't even make meals anymore,...

What a snowy winter wonderland it is out there today. Big fluffy white flakes falling from the sky enveloping the ground with a soft white layer. It's so pretty.

In light of Ontario Housing letting us know that they will be installing cameras around the building, I decided to take it one step furthur. I already have a doorbell camera. I got that a few years ago when my packages were getting stolen. The minute I installed a camera,... the stealing stopped.

For over 5 years now Tonya has been lying about me saying I did stuff I didn't do. The problem was there was no way to prove a negative. How do you prove you didn't do something? In the end it was always my word against hers and they always believed HER. So today I fixed that. I got an indoor camera for my apartment. To prove I don't smoke in my unit. Noone will know I have it,... so the next time someone decides to lie and tattle that I am smoking? I will simply let them see my indoor cam. NOTHING TO HIDE. Sure, it's an invasion of my privacy. But to me the ability to prove to housing I am not doing anything,.... is priceless.

So go ahead Tonya - lie again,.... now there are cameras EVERYWHERE!!!! I finally feel a bit protected from her intrusive little games. Now she can't accuse me of ANYTHING anymore as I have video evidence she is LYING!

FINALLY I feel safe from the cunt,... the police had suggested this a few months ago but at the time I thought it was too intrusive. But after thinking about it I decided my privacy will just have to come second to my peace of mind that Tonya Halls can no longer LIE about me!!!! THAT is priceless,....

I have decided that I am not going to do anything with the lawyer until the new year now. Doing my end of life stuff took more out of me than I thought. It's kind of creepy picking out your own plot and headdstone. But I got it all done. I just felt I needed a break from all the 'end of life' stuff for a bit. So I am going to leave it until January now. 

I am still having way too many problems becasue of my hands. I thought I would buy some carrots and potatoes to make a crock pot dinner. I haven't been eating well at all as I can't cook anymore. My hands are just too painful. But I thought I would give it another try. But nope,... my hands just wont work. I tried peeling both the carrots and the potatoes but it was just too painful and I had to give up. 

And this is my new problem,... I can't make meals anymore. So I live off  of ceral and other easy to make things. I don't know what I am going to do about these hands. They are just in pain all the time now. It's getting so I can't look after myself anymore. *** sigh *** but with no doctor what can I do? So I just suffer. But I know I can't go on like this for much longer. I need the use of my hands back,... but how? It makes me so mad that other people get health care but I have had to suffer with such severe pain I have decided to end my life.

Does anyone care? Not a soul,... I am just expected to carry on. 

I need fucking health care!!!!!!!!!!! I won't last much longer without it. And more to the point I don't want to last much longer withhout it. It's just too hard,....

So today I will hide away as always inside my apartment as the world goes on around me ~ without me,....

I really do hate my life and I really do want to end it,...

How did I ever end up here?

All the way from Ireland

 

I have been thinking about my granddaughter a lot lately. Probobly due to Christmas and all the celebrations I have missed. It got me thinking how I would love to buy her something for Christmas. But of course I can't as my daughter won't allow me to be in her life.

So I decided to buy her something special that she can remember me by. A sort of legacy piece of jewellery. I wanted it to be something that was Irish. Representing all 5 of us women that I have been talking about in my past few posts, My ancestors. The ones I am having inscribed on my headstone. I was so alone in life, I just want this line of women to know each other and be proud of our Irish heritage. And be together infinitly,.... 

So I got this 18 carot white gold diamond infinity necklace. I wanted it to be a classic piece of jewellery that will never go out of style. I wanted the best white gold,... and a real diamond. I want it to be something she could wear forever. And then pass on to her child. It's coming all the way from Ireland!

I actually got a matching one for myself, but it's not so grand. I got the 10 carot gold and a synthetic diamond instead so it was only half the price. I am not a jewellery person at all and I didn't feel I needed a special and expensive necklace for myself. For my granddaughter - no expense spared,... but for me just a "look-a-like" so that we will both have the same necklace.

I don't know when I can ever give it to her. It will probobly have to wait until I pass away and she reads the will and sees I have left it to her. Sad,... it's so pretty. I wished she could have it now. But I don't want to upset her parents at all. best to just put it away and keep it until she is an adult. Maybe even mail it to her on her 21st birthday  or something. I'm not sure how she will get it yet,... but she will. And I hope she cherishes it just as I cherish her.

Maybe she'll wear it on her wedding day,....

I can't be with my precious granddaughter,... but I will never stop thinking about her,....

Don't even know her name,....

Today has been a sad day. I have changed my mind and I am going to leave my money to my grand-daughter. The more I think about it, the more I realize that she will never know me. But if I leave her as the beneficairy in my will ~ she will be forced to know about me. And with a generous gift like that,... maybe she will feel like I am NOT the monster her mother has made me out to be.

But heres the problem. I know nothing about her. I dont' know her offical name of date of birth. I dont know anything. I tried looking on the internet but aside from feeling like I was some kind of stalker, I had no luck.

I dont' know where my daughter lives. I no longer have her address or phone number. So how do I name my grand daughter in my will? I don't think there is one person in 'her' camp that will even speak to me, let alone help to get the info I need. Maybe her other grandmother? But at this point I dont even have her name either. All of these folks have deleted or defriended me so I have no way of getting the information I need. 

How sad that I dont even know the details of my own granddaughters birth,...

This has just left me not only sad ~ but feeling like the biggest monster alive,... 

Maybe I CAN'T leave her as the beneficiary in my will,... I don't even know have her offical name,...

What a life I have,... so hated,... so heartbroken,... I can't even know my own grandchilds name or date of birth,..

Just a monster who doesn't deserve I guess,...

Monsters aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas

It's a cold one this morning. Darn,... I was hoping to get over to Walmart and get some groceries. But I dont feel like walking in minus 11* celcius. So I think I will just give it a miss. But I hope it warms up a bit soon as my cupboards are nearly bare. Story of  my life,... can't get out to get what I need anymore. So frustrating. 

When I woke up this morning my apartment was so cold. I don't know why my heat doesn't work very well but I can never get the temp to get higher than 22*. Normally thats fine. Infact I'm constantly opeing the windows and doors as it often gets too hot with these big windows. But once the temperatures get to minus 10* or more, the heat doesn't work so well. I had to buy one heater for the bedroom already as the heater in there doens't even work at all. But today I had to break down and order another portable heater. The joys of living in Canada I guess.

3 days until Christmas yet theres nothing going on here. I was watching "Georgie and Mandy's First Marriage" last night. Usually I enjoy this show. But last night there was a scene where there little daughter Cece is sitting on the couch with them. She is about 3. The same age as my granddaughter. Infact,... the reason this scene made me sad was I think of my granddaughter looking like that. I have never met her in real life, but I have seen pictures so I know she is a little ginger. And so is this little girl on the show. The second I saw this adorable little girl sitting on the ocuch with her family at Christmas time,... it hit me. I could see what I was missing and it hurt. It made me think of what it will be like Christmas morning with her and her parents. Just thinking about the joy they are having breaks my heart.

I'm mentally ill,... and I guess that means I don't get a granddaughter and a joyous Christmas morning. And that is a pain I can't even describe. I miss my family,... I miss all the Christmas mornings we used to have. All gone now,... just memories,... because apparently thats all mentally ill people deserve. We're monsters,.... we don't deserve a happy life,... and never is that more apparent than the holidays. Watching the world enjoy this season is very difficult. Knowing my family is celebrating without me is just too painful today. But the worst pain of all is knowing your not there because your family thinks your a monster,....

I wished we could just skip these next few weeks and I could just wake up in January and it would all be over,...

I put EVERYTHING I had into Christmas for my family. But I guess it wasn't enough,... I guess I'm still a monster,...

Game day!

It's Sunday morning. Not only is it game day, but it's also my 'off-grid' youtube video day. The three channels I follow all drop their videos on Sunday morning. 

Jay Legere,...

Skote outdoors,...

Matt & Emilie,...

and  Sailing Supernova,...

All Canadians living off-grid and enjoying the life I would love to live. But since I can't, I have to live vicariously through these folks.

It is also GAME DAY! Manchester United play in a few hours.

Sunday is a day I tend to look forward to.

I was chatting with T**** yesterday for awhile and we are both excited about planning our summer vacation. We are still looking at cottages but we also may do Niagara-on-the-lake instead. We actually couldnt' decide so we decided to sleep on it.

It's a choice between my friends cottage in Leamington which is absolutely beautiful. Or to do a hotel in Niagara-on-the-lake and enjoy all the quaint shops and restaurants. I would be quite happy with either one of these. But T**** is still working, so I told her we would work around her availability. What vacation time she gets and when. 

In the end it's not really the destination. It's about me getting away from this place which is so toxic to me. Everyday I wake up in this building I groan,.... still here,... still trapped. If I am going to survive, I am going to have to get away from here once in awhile. 

I was talking with the officer doing my case but I can't really talk about it as Tonya reads this blog. But they know everything,.... they know about everything she has done to me over the past 5 years,... and just having someone KNOW and believe has been awesome. For 5 years Tonya has got this whole building hating me. She lied about me to anyone who would listen. Which meant noone believed me. But the Police not only believe,... they have evidence which can't be disputed. At this point that is good enough for me. All I ever wanted was for it all to STOP. I never wanted to involve the police but I was forced to in the end as it just became relentless. I have no idea WHY this woman has done this. I just hope she finally sees the damage she has done and maybe even go and get some help. It's not normal to stalk and harrass a neighbour for over 5 years!!!!!!!  SHE DEFINITELY NEEDS HELP. She is going to Mexico on vacation,... I hope the police don't get to her before she goes,... she may not be going,....

But remember Tonya,... I wanted NONE of this. I asked you to stop many, many times but your immature little brain wouldnt' even own up to what you were doing. SO immature,... So I had no choice but to call the police and start this case. 

YOUR FAULT TONYA,..... you did this yourself. I hope your proud of yourself and you had the fun you wanted,.... becasue now,....

Your going to pay for it,.....

Is it the Christmas spirit?

 I decided to reach out to my friend T***h today and ask if she would like to go on a holiday with me this summer. I am declining mentally because I am couped up in this apartment 24/7 and it has left me bored. My Nana used to say "A change is as good as a rest" and she is right. I think that if I can just get away from this place, it will do me a world of good. 

It goes back to the cup theory. You can't pour from an empty cup,... and my life has been bone dry empty. I need to DO stuff. Start experiencing things again,... participating in life again,... For the past 25 years I have had no money for doing anything. My life was about surviving ~ not enjoying. But now I have the opportunity to do stuff.

I still have a lot of limitations. Transportation being my biggest obstacle. I live in a small town with no bus service and ONE taxi. It's near immpossible to do anything out of town either. So I end up feeling trapped at home unable to go anywhere. It gives me severe cabin fever and my mental health gets effected.

But here we are just days away from Christmas. I am not doing anything for it and have zero plans. But over the past few days I have had to watch it on tv. So I am aware of it's existence no matter how hard I try not to. Missing my daughters is just too painful so I try and avoid anything that reminds me of them.

I have been absolutely fed up with life the past year. And this has left me mentally and emotionally drained. I have come to a wall and just cant go on. I have completely given up. I am making end of life plans and feel so empty and hurt I am looking forward to an end,...

But heres the thing. Over the past few days something has been changing. It's so minute I can barely feel it. Maybe it's a tiny sprinkling of Christmas spirit? All the 'feel-good' Christmas episodes of my favourite shows,... having Murphy and Molly around,... ?? whatever the reason I have decided to book a vacation. I am very limited here as I dont have a car. But my friend T***h does. So I messaged her and asked if she would like to rent a cottage with me. She agreed and we are starting to make plans. 

This is a big deal for me. It is the first time I have shown any interest in my future. In being around for my future. It's like a door opened,... just a sliver,... letting me see a tiny bit of light. And that light gave me a tiny bit of inspiration.

If I can just get away from this compound,... I could start to fill up my cup a bit. I am concerned about getting scammed again of course. So I am trying to find someone I know who has a cottage to rent from but the one lady I know I think hers is all booked already. (Have we left it too late for this summer???). So now I am just reaching out to anyone I know for suggestions.

A lakefront cottage/cabin in Ontario. I don't care where as long as it has water and trees and a whole lot of nature.

Dare I hope?

I will give up food before I give up football

I know I don't normally post about what I bought, but I was more wanting to talk about how much this club gives me. I am watching last weeks game right now as I type this (for the second time). It gives me a passion. It gives me something to do,... something to love,... to get excited about. And excitement is the one thing that I don't have much of right now. So I cling on to my football for dear life. I will give up food before I give up football.

I have not been feeling very Christmasy at all this year,  so I thought maybe treating myself to a few ManU things might just make me look forward to Christmas morning. I still don't have a tree (2 kittens,... need I say more) or decorations, but I can still pretend. Maybe having a few parcels to open will give me a good start to the day I have been dreading. Manchester doesn't play a game on that day (but they do boxing day).

I'm trying to do tiny little things to make my life a bit more bearable. I just can't do "sitting watching tv all day doing nothing",... I've been doing that and it's NOT working for me at all. Infact it's effecting my mental health now as I am starting to feel like the walls are closing in on me. I really do need to find something to keep me distracted from the boredom. And football,... specifically Manchester United,... does this for me. And a lovely cousin sent me an early Christmas gift so I decided to use it to chear myself up for Christmas morning. I'm not a materialistic person about most things,... but when it comes to this team? I want it all,... lol  I have never had the freedom to just go on their store website and get what I actually want. (not need - want). I got a puzzle,... little cup and saucer,...pajamas,... a hoodie,... I don't NEED any of that. But I have to say,... it sure felt nice to get it all the same. I almost feel like I pampered myself.

Now if we can only continue on with our good streak the past few weeks maybe we can climb up from 6th place in the league right now. It's still early ~ we still have time.

And then,.... theres,....

Fifa !!!!!!!!

 

Missing my girls

Another storm has rolled in. I was hoping to get out today as I am desperate for groceries. But looking out my window I can see that I am not going anywhere today. And the forecast has snow falling for the next 3 days,... *** sigh *** I dont think I'm getting out now until the new year. (my cupboards are bare!) So instead I am once again cooped up inside going stir crazy. I am an outdoor girl. I want trees and water and fresh air,... I feel so claustraphobic locked up in this apartment all the time. 

I saw this post on Facebook the other day. I am not a huge Lily Allen fan although I do like her. That is not the reason that this post caught my attention. It caught my eye because it brought back a lot of old memories. I would love to to go to this concert. But I would only go with one person in this world. And that is Hayley. We used to have so much fun with Lily Allens songs. I used to live in St. Thomas Ontario and I would drive to Tottenham to pick Hayley up for the weekend on Friday, and bring her back to my place. Then we would do it all over again in reverse on Sunday. So we spent hours and hours in the car driving as it was a 4 hour round trip there and back. To fill those hours we would listen to music. One of the things I love so much about Hayley is her love of music ~ just like me. And together we had a lot of fun singing along at the top of our lungs to music while we travelled. Lily's music is very upbeat and the lyrics are cheeky and fun. We just had a ball enjoying it. So when I saw this post on Facebook, I felt sad. Hayley and I used to be so close,.... now,... she won't even talk to me.

I downloaded her new album anyway. I guess I will just have to enjoy it alone,... But I'll be thinking of Hayley when I sing along,...

I don't write much about the cats on here as this blog is mainly my morning stress dump. Everything I write is negative. But I plan it that way. I just get whatever is bothering me off of my chest so I can face the day with a clean slate. And the cats have not been a stress so I haven't written about them. But just to update,... they are great. They are more than great. They give me what I was seeking,... companionship. They are completely spoiled rotten. They have the best food,... the best treats,.... and I have already spent over $3500.00 in vet bills to give them a good healthy start to their lives. They are my world now.

I know pets ~ as I have had many ~ and I knew they were going to be wild at times. Any pet owner - dog or cat - knows all about the zoomies,... and these cats get them multiple times a day. But instead of stressing,... I just have the apartment set up so nothing is of value so they can't break anything to upset me. My livingroom is basically a cat cafe'. Theres hardly anything of mine in here,... it's all cat stuff. So when they get the zoomies, I can sit and laugh at them instead of worrying they will rip my place apart. They are such a joy to have around. If one isn't making me giggle, the other one is. I do not regret getting 2 ot them. Infact I'm glad I did. Other than it being twice the cost,... it's also half the work as they entertain themselves so all I have to do is watch and enjoy. I am so glad I got my Murphy and Molly ~ M & M,....

Molly is obsessed with my bathroom sink

Murphy chillin'

Just can't wait for spring now

 Today has not been a good day and it's still only early afternoon,...

Everyone knows when the wifi goes out there is nothing to do. Eveything we do now-a-days needs wifi. So when we had an outage the other day, and I was stuck with no tv or music, I decided to buy a boombox CD player. Old fashioned!! (I had an awesome one but,.... Darren Green has it so I guess I'm never getting that one back!!). Anyway, I ordered one from Amazon. It came this morning. It is bluetooth. There is no electrical cord. *** sigh *** I can't use it in a wifi outage,.... damn

Here we go,... so I had the pleasure of dealing with Amazon and it did not go well. Because my phone isn't working right now either. So when I called them - 3 times - they couldn't hear me. Something was wrong with my phone. So now I had to drop that and work on fixing my brand new phone. Also, the most frustrating issue is when someone calls me, and I push the green answer button - nothing happens. I have been on Youtube trying to fix this for hours now,... what a frustrating thing to happen. But I think it is fixed now,... but I will have to wait to see if it works when someone calls me. And being a recluse - noone ever calls me so it will probobly be awhile before I even know if it works,...

Since I got back from BC, I have had to buy back a lot to get myself started up once again. It's been quite frustrating because a lot of what I have bought since then, is already broken.

 I only got it in August or later, and a lot is already broken,...

It's like manufacturing just isn't the same anymore. Companies don't seem to care about quality anymore. They just bang out a product and sell it and don't care if it will break within a few months. I have had a phone,... 2 soundbars,... a tv,... and a computer all break since August. Not cheap items either. I have spent a lot of money on electronics only to have some of them not even work,...

I want the old days back,... I bought things in the 1970's I still had up until I moved to BC! Still in working order. So why do all the new stuff break? very frustrating and getting expensive. Luckily Amazon is pretty good with returns although not easy as I have to bring it to a UPS store and we don't have one in Fergus. It would cost me more in taxi fees than I would get for the returns so more often than not - I just end up taking a loss. But I am getting sick and tired of everything I buy breaking,....

I finally got to the bank. I couldn't wait for good weather so I just did it. I called a taxi and it said it would be 15 minutes but took 40. So when I finished at the bank I called again and they said it would be half an hour (which meant an hour - we only have ONE taxi driver in town) So I opted to walk home. It was cold but sunny so it wasn't all that bad of a walk. Infact, it was kind of nice. Getting all that fresh air and exercise when you are a recluse couped up in your apartment 24/7 can be nice. It took longer than usual as all the snow was cubersome to walk in. I didn't bring my walker as I thought if I do need to walk home I won't get it through the snow and indeed I wouldn't have been able to after I saw the sidewalks. So I just bit the bullet and walked without it. Gotta do what you gotta do,... now I finally have the cheque and I dont need to worry about it anymore.

The woman at the cemetery is dropping by after work to pick up the cheque for the down payment on my headstone and plot. I would have put it in the mail but it would have left me anxious as it is for a large amount. But the woman who works at Meadowvale said she lives nearby and would come and pick it up for me. What a lovely gesture,... and once that is paid I can move on to the lawyer and my will. And once that is all done? Then I start in on my other plan,... to escape this building and Tonya Halls and all the other bullies I have had to deal with. I refuse to be a victim anymore. But the only way to get them to stop is to die,.... how sad,... I ownder if Tonya even realizes how much damage she has caused me. probobly not,... and thats why she continues to do it,.... she is never going to stop as she is having too much fun. I have to stop it instead and to do that? well,... roll on spring and we shall see,...

It all started in Co. Donegal, Ireland in 1835

When you get to be my age and you look around, and life just hasn't been what you expected, you can end up feeling quite forlorn. I am not living life right now. I am instead spending my days re-living old memories. Some people that reach my age have families and rich active lives. But some of us have travelled paths which have left us alone. And this is where I am. So instead of having days full of things to do, we instead our left in a torturous silence that eats away at our souls. Nothing to do but think of all our memories. 

When I started to do my ancestry many years ago, my one and only goal was to find my Grandma Ida's grave. I just wanted to pay my last respects to a woman who I never got to see after I was removed from their care way back in 1964. In the end I kind of found her grave. It's an unmarked grave in Toronto somewhere. There were records of her being buried in a particular area with other 'paupers'. And of course this never sat well with me over the years. I felt so bad for this woman who languished in a nursing home - alone for so many years. And then got thrown away as an 'unknown' in a paupers grave. I felt I owed her somehow,... and that is how this ancestry journey began.

I learned that this line of women goes way back and we are one of the first pioneers of Ontario. All of these women ended up in what back then was the historic town of the City of York in Upper Canda. And the main theme I can see that runs through all of our lives from Anne-Louise Boude in 1835, all the way down to myself,.... is hardship. We all struggled.

So I found my (3rd) Great Grandmother came over from Ireland and settled as one of the very first pioneering settlers. Anne-Louise Boude ~ Born in Co. Donegal, Ireland in 1835 ~ and that is where this line of women I speak of begins... I don't know much about how this lady died or even where she is buried, but I did find out about the rest of them.

Her daughter,.... Annie Louisa Calgey had a short life dying at the age of 43 of chloroform narcosis. (??) I have researched her for so long but aside from knowing she was buried in Toronto at Necropolis Cemetery I can't find out just how she died. It says she died in an emergency hospital (?) So? operation gone wrong? Dental work gone wrong? Either way, she too had a short life. And died when little "Lizzy" was so young.

Elizabeth Anne Ball ~ after her mother died young she wandered around doing domestic work for room and board before marrying and settling down on a farm. But when the Spanish flu came through, in 1920, she and her infant daughter died. "Lizzie" was only 39 years old. Again ~ so young.

That left her daughter Ida Maye Dyer with no Mother at the age of 4. Her busy father gave her to her Aunt and Uncle to be raised. So she, too, was removed from her family. But it was in her last years of life that she was forgotten about. She ended up being left alone in a nursing home for over 20 years. 

My mother,... Diane Holyoak fled to BC away from her family too. She died alone and was buried in an unmarked grave,...

I am seeing a pattern here. All of us - removed from our families. I am still researching why but will probobly never know. I think large families back then had their daughters work in other peoples homes as domestics. But either way most of us left home early. Hardships mainly,... illness,... loss of family.

So as I sit here tonight pondering all of this, it makes me wonder,...

Is the sadness I feel so deeply, not just my own? Is there a thread of lonliness where the feelings of rejection and abandonment run so deeply through all of us women, it never allowed us the joy we so desperately seeked? Starting way back in Ireland and ending up here in Ontario. Four woman who's lives were very different than what they wanted or expected. Four woman taken from their families for one reason or another,... maybe,... just maybe,... that pain runs so deep it travelled through all of our veins. Settling in reminding us of a haunting past? Ingested so deep it will never leave. We all feel it,...

I can't describe the feeling of my sadness in words. It's not just lonliness. It's knowing you are alone because you were rejected,... that is a pain engrained so deep it envelopes every cell of your being. 

Is this curse I talk about real? Are the women of this line doomed to a life of hardship somehow? Existential thoughts for someone nearing the end. I think it's natural to go over your life and why it even existed at all,... a queation I ask myself often. Why did I even exist at all when noone really seemed to want me??

I think this is why I feel so strongly about getting a headstone and putting all of these forgotten women on it. Valadate they existed. Inscribe their names into granite to prove they belonged somewhere. Maybe not on this planet,... but we belong together in eternity.

Maybe not as grinchy as I thought

Well I guess this Grinch isn't completely Bah-hum-bug,... I received 2 Christmas cards (wasn't expecting any). And both cards were so pretty and Christmas'y I put them up (even with my no decoration rule lol) And I don't know who Julie is but you have just given me my faith back in humanity. I got my Amazon package today and I love it. I didn't even know they made such a thing but it works!! My hands have gotten quite a bit worse over the past few months so "Julie" sent me this can opener for people who can't open jars and stuff. I have a jar of iced tea that has been in my fridge for a few weeks becasue I just can't open it ~ tonight I opened it. Such a small thing,... but such a big and lovely gesture. Maybe there is a little bit of room for Christmas this year,...

Can't get out again today,...

I need to get to the bank but,... you know,... the fluffy white stuff again. I rarely seem to be able to get anywhere these days. Living with no car really does make you a recluse. In my life, all the stars have to aligne before I am able to go anywhere. 1) My pain level has to allow me to function,... 2) The weather has to be clear enough so my get walker can get through,... and 3) If a taxi is available,... these 3 things all have to happen or I just can't get out. And it's starting to make my anxiety rise.

My headstone is all ready to get started but I have to give them my down payment cheque. Because it's such a large amount, I have to go into the bank and get a cheque drawn up. I don't even have cheques as I never use them. But big purchases don't just take e-transfer or Visa/Debit. So I have to get out of this apartment and get myself down to the bank somehow. But so far,... I have had no luck getting down there. 

The past week we have been hit with a winter chill. Temps going down to minus 25. I am not going out in THAT unless I absolutely have to and this isnt' that pressing. Today the temperature isn't as bad but it's snowing and my pain level is too great to go. Maybe tomorrow,...

Life with no car really is a problem.

This morning I opened my (game) Facebook page and another pop-up. I checked every post and they are all about football. Not me in crisis or in trouble,... just a troll harrassing me. *** sigh *** My heart is just heavy knowing this person is not going to stop. My life is so hard already. WHY does this person need to make it harder??? I called the police to have them check it out and they finally got access to Facebook so we are waiting to hear back from Facebook to see who it is. If I find out it is Tonya I will lose my shit,..... as she knows how hard my life is as she sees it. For her to secretly harrass & stalk me is just low,.... something is fundamentlally wrong with that woman,.... there has to be,... why,... why,... why is she doing this? And me writing about it is only giving her what she wants. ME UPSET. Her getting to see that I am losing my mind. How this can be FUN for someone I don't know but it has severely effected my mental health and I just can't take it anymore. 

If we find out it is Tonya still doing all of this,... we will be charging her to full extent of the law. EVERY charge we can,... harrassment,... stalking,... basically with  Criminal Code (RSC, 1985,c-C-46, s.264. There are a lot of charges she can get as she not only did it on the internet (cyber bullying) but she sent texts (which I still have from years ago threatening me) and her son too. So I have 5 years of evidence to add on to the cyber bullying charges. 

Do you think I want all of this?????? No. I just want it to stop.

Think about it,... I am a 62 yr old woman who lives alone with no family or frineds and I am being harrassed by someone I dont' know who it is,....

It's terrifying.

What if it's not Tonya,... what if it's actually somone dangerous? My life is so hard already,.... I just need this to stop.

Please,.... whoever you are find a descent bone in your body and realize the damage you are doing. I am sick with the stress and fear of not knowing who is doing this. 

Just stop. PLEASE

Canadians Are Being Pushed To The Brink...

THIS is why I am not able to survive anymore,....

Canada is in the biggest mess it has ever been in yet noone is fixing it,...

I live on the bottom so I am the one who has had sevices cut over and over again. It seems when money needs to be found the government come and cut us first. To be more precise, they don't actually "cut" from our services,... they just BARELY add to them,... they don't give us inflation rates at all.

I Live on $1480 a month and so do most people on ODSP. People on OW (Ontario Works) are even worse off,.... PEOPLE are suffering! Not just a few. A whole group of people are being priced right out of living and are choosing death to escape.

Wake up Canada! For fucks sake wake up and do something,...

This video scared me and every single Canadian needs to see this video. But if you only watch a tiny bit of it,... make that bit the speach from J. Paul Nadeau (at the 4.30 mark). If you listen to him,... it should scare the shit out of you.

THIS statement alone left me fuming:

"Canada pays 92 Billion Dollars JUST ON INTEREST on the astronomical debt that this government has accumulated  - let that sink in - money that could be going to hospitals, etc,... WASTED ON OUR COUNTRIES DEBT!"

Canada is falling apart and the Canadian citizens are paying for it. WHY are we still sitting down and taking it?????

Dear Ontario Housing

I have had the misfortune to have to live in your building for the past nine years. The first few years were good. But then staff changed,... or something changed,... and suddenly I felt like I was being attacked and NOT ONE PERSON would help me.

I have been abused/attacked/stalked  by Tonya Halls for over 5 years. I was attacked by Darren Green and his revenge campaign after I called the police when he abused his cat. I was screamed at by Mark Rathwell to the point I was traumatized as every night I try and go to sleep I can't, as all I can see is this 6 ft 7 man bending over me with his eyes bulging out of his head ~ screaming at the top of his lungs ~ with his finger in my face,... "Your an abusive bitch" over and over again and for the next 10 minutes he just attacked me. All I did was shout "Leave me alone". This has severely effected me. I no longer leave my unit. I no longer go out to the gazebo. I no longer have the courage to leave my home to go anywhere. I am now a recluse. This is not me,... but living here as made me this way,...

I am fucking MISERABLE

I have had to deal with "KARENS" on a scale I can't even relate to. 

But what bothered me most is the blatant ignoring of Ontario Housing to me. The only time you ever really called me - was to threaten me with eviction. NEVER for something I requested. For that - I get no call,... no email,... nothing. Silence ***crickets*** and then when I get mad about it ~ suddenly my behaviour is unacceptable and YOU ARE EVICTED!!!!!! That was the last straw by the way,... so casually threatening me - not acceptable

I asked to get my automatic door opener fixed ~ 3 times ~ but got nothing. No phone call,... no emailm,,,, nbothing,... So I get mad and throw a fob and I get the threat of being evicted two weeks before Christmas.

I asked for you to fix the storage unit room door as it is locked and my fob won't allow me to get in. I asked twice. But just like always ~ NOTHING! NO RESPONSE AT ALL! The fix? You unlocked the storage unit room ~ they didn't fix it ~ BUT LEFT IT UNLOCKED so all of our stuff is UNSAFE. I have already had my storage unit broken into before and got NO HELP FROM HOUSING then either. I had to call the police and noone was caught. So people do steal,... yet your fix is to leave the room unlocked. Who cares if our stuff gets stolen - it's only us lowlife scum,....

I have so many examples of housing siding with "Karens" just to shut them up so they don't have to deal. They take a complaint - they NEVER investigate. We know this as Tonya had a complete HATE campaigne against me and YOU LET HER. You never once investigated (none of what she said was true) You instead just sent a nasty letter telling me to stop. You out and out believed a KAREN whos goal in life is to get me evicted and you believed her. YOU NEVER EVEN CONTACTED ME OR ASKED ME ANYTHING - you just assumed the karen was truthful and punished me. She did this for over 5 years and not once did you contact me!!!!! I have severly been effected by this behaviour.

I ended up getting evicted becasue of her!!! YOU should be ashmaed. I lost  my home becasue of a KAREN who was jealous of me and wanted me gone. and it worked. beautifully. I was not even told she was tattling on me for most things until I got an eviction notice.  

I am now so mentally unwell I can't function. I hate living here. I can't leave my unit. I am so emtoionally traumatized I just don't want to even be alive anymore. 

So I know I am never going to be protected or helped by Ontario Housijng. In fact, my experience shows that once you have 'complained' you are now unliked and picked on. And life is even worse,.... 

Ontario Housing does not like me as I tell the truth. But they don't want to hear the truth as that will be work for them. Rather just go on believing the KARENS and hurting the Karens victims while dong it. This is NEVER GOING TO CHANGE.

I feel such a victim in this building. I feel attacked,... stalked,.... 

but NO HELP

The only time I hear from HOUSING is when someone tattles and I am being 'reprimanded'

Fuck ontario Housing,... a bunch of privilidged middle class running it who have NO CLUE the reality of living here. The don't want extra work so they just send out nasty threatening letters rather than deal with the problem.

I woke up just wanting to be dead.

And that is down to being targeted but now helped for so many years. It makes you feel worthless,... like your not worht the time or effort to do what is really needed to help. So instead you blame,... blame,... blame,... without even talking to us,.....

I am so mentally unwell right now. And living here is why,....

I can't wait to get the fuck out of here. But sadly,... death is the only escape,....

Not one person on this planet thinks I'm worth helping,...

Not one person has reached out to help get me out of here,....

I am on my own ~ as always,.....

Maybe I shouldn't even bother waiting to complete the will. Maybe just the burial is enough. Becasue I don't know how many more days I can take of living in this HELL HOLE! What does it tell you that I would rather be DEAD than live here and be targeted,....

FUCK YOU ONTARIO HOUSING for ignoring me and making me deal with everything on my own,.... you could have easily done your homework and realized Tonya was lying,.... but instead you choose to BELIEVE her. Not once,... not twice,... but for 5 fucking years!!!!! You made me deal with that cunt. NO HELP whatsoever,...

And now she has driven me to such a state mentally I no longer wish to be alive,...

But you don't care do you housing???? Your just glad you'll finally be rid of me,... the complainer,... the one who told the truth but you ignored,.....

FUCK YOU

Just need to die now

I think it's safe to say I have heart disease. Every morning I take my blood pressure. And it is consistantly getting higher over the past year. It now sits at about 160/105 all the time now. But in the morning it can climb to over 200.

I desperately need health care 

I looked up what it means for you systolic pressure to remain over 100 all the time now and it said:

A consistent diastolic blood pressure reading above 100 mmHg is considered Stage 2 hypertension and should be addressed by a healthcare professiona. This significantly increases your risk of serious condiotions like heart attack, stroke, and kidney disease.

From what I can read, I am in the 2nd stage of heart disease. I need a doctor for stable, consistent care. Walk-ins and ER visits are not going to cut it. This society won't allow me to go through MAiDs (Medical assistence in dying) but it's ok to allow me to languish and suffer with heart disease with no doctor or health care,..???

NOT FAIR,... not going to do what society says I need to do which is SUFFER. Instead,... I stick to my original plan. If no doctor and no move out of this building happens by spring,...(which is when my will and final plans will be paid for) I won't need to wait to die from a heart attack - I will end if myself.

HOW DARE this society FORCE ME to suffer in pain YET WON'T GIVE ME A DOCTOR,.... So fuck you I do things my way as I have had to do most of my adult life. ALONE. I refuse to live in pain ~ suffering because our government has fucked up our health care. NOT MY FAULT so I refuse to suffer in the consequences. You don't want me to kill myself??? Then get me some health care. If you can't,.... then you can't force me to stick around and suffer,....

I always feel weak,... tired,... I just can't keep up anymore. So I know something is wrong. I have known for over a year now. When your blood pressure's AVERAGE reading is 165/110 ~ your DYING. I may not stroke out or have a heart attack today ~ but it's coming,....

I am also in so much pain I cannot bear it anymore. I think my hands were broken and never healed properly and now everything is just a mangled mess leaving me unable to use my hands. 

You can't get by without the use of your hands ~ it's immpossible.

Roll on heart attack,... 

Roll on death,...

Because life is just too painful right now and with no doctor I can't bear it anymore,... I literally just sit here and cry in pain now,.... torture.

So roll on relief,....

Roll on DYING!!!!!!!

Pain is absolutely unbearable today

Today has not been a good day. The pain has become overwhelming and I just can't take it anymore. Every move I make causes a sharp pain,... I couldn't even get the tin of cat food open this morning as pulling the tab was just too painful. I had to feed them dry food. I can't squeeze the toothpaste tube,.. I can't brush my hair,... I can't take care of myself anymore,... I have literally come to the day where I can't take care of myself anymore,...

I need help,...

I have done nothing but break down all morning. I can't stop crying,... I can't cope with the pain,....

I feel so alone

Please make the pain stop,....

I don't want to be here anymore,....

Difficult time of year

 

My eldest daughter at her Grandma & Grandpa's house with her buddies Paisley & Amber

Me with my two daughters at my Mom's house during the Christmas holidays

Christmas is just a few weeks away now. But I have planned nothing. No decorations, no meal plan,... because around here Christmas is just a time for sad reflection and missing loved ones. I don't put up decorations, as it's just a reminder to me of all the celebrations I am missing. So Christmas will be just another Thursday for me.

A mother can never forget her children. I had my girls until they were 9 and 12. And I consider that a gift I will cherish always. I spent nearly every waking hours with those girls and they mean more to me than life itself. 

I don't have anymore pictures of my past. The hard copies are all at their fathers house and the digitals I lost in a computer crash. I got some back through Facebook having them but these are the only 2 Christmas photos I have of my past. All I have are my memories now.

And even though I try very hard to pretend December 25th is just another day,... the smells in my building of turkey dinners remind me of what I am missing.

I am missing my granddaughter. I didn't know you could miss someone you have never even met. But it's the memories of Christmas's with my own girls that makes my heart weep for my granddaughter. I am missing so much. Too much.

I hate this time of year. November 29th is the birthday of the twins, and from there on in it's just a build up of Christmas, Christmas, everywhere!!!! You can't escape it. Even as a recluse who never leaves my apartment it is still in my face everywhere I turn. Every show and newscast shoves it down my throat. Or at least thats how it feels for someone who dreads it.

Christmas is a difficult time of year.

                            ******************************

If someone knows this place, please pick me up and bring me there as I can't think of a better place I would like to be than in a cabin in the woods with my kittens on Christmas morning. Now THAT would be a gift I would be grateful for,....