No football ~ International break

Saturday is almost always game day. But this week the Premier League in on their International Break. All the league players that play for their home National Teams leave to play with them. It means the Premier League has no games this weekend. But their will be international games. I just have to find them on Youtube as I don't have the streaming sites for them. After my fiasco with Apple and the MLS app that someone (and I still don't know who) broke into my Apple account and cancelled my MLS soccer app. I don't know HOW they did it as Apple always makes me get codes. But somehow,... someone cancelled my MLS app and it no longer works. That in itself bothered me as when you cancel a subscription you should be able to watch it until the date your paid up to. I WAS paid up to next February 2026 but now Apple won't allow me to use their app anymore. So I paid the annual fee of $99 to watch the MLS and now I can't. They won't let me. Even after I called them.

So I cancelled all my Apple subscriptions. My Iphone was old (an Iphone 7) and I was really needing a new one as the screen was cracked and it was quite old. So on Prime day this week I bought an android phone. I gave up the Apple eco system. You fuck with me Apple and steal my MLS viewing???? Then I cancel you and I never return to Apple. I thought I might regret it but I don't. I don't mind the android and now I never have to deal with Apple and their exorbitently priced products.

This means that I made the decision to give up MLS football. This was a HUGE decision for me as soccer is all I have left in my life. But my Toronto FC team has been ON THE BOTTOM for years now and I just don't enjoy watching them anymore. They are not even close to the team they used to be. The MLSE (owners) have ruined them. I had to pay $24.95 a month just for the Apple app. And then I had to pay $99 for an annual subscription on top of that to get the MLS soccer app. That works out to about $34 a month just to watch Toronto FC. So I made the decision to let the MLS league go,....

Now I just watch the English Premier League as well as the two International Teams of Canada and England. Giving up the MLS league has saved me a lot of money.

Apple ~ you can't steal peoples subscriptions. If they paid until February they should be allowed to watch games until February. But you kicked me out of your app. So fuck you,... no more MLS or Apple. At this point I won't even miss them. My Toronto FC has become an embarrassment. So now it's all Manchester Untited all the way.

I have found with a lot of services that they just don't care about their customers. Once they have your money? You can't even reach them if you have a problem. This world really has become pay and then your on your own,.... People just don't have any pride in their companies and products anymore. Just sell, sell, sell,... and once it's sold they turn their back on the customer. The customer is on their own,... what has happened to our world??? It's gotten so GREEDY.

So today I sit - BORED out of my mind - spending yet another day with nothing to do and nowhere to go,....

So Canada,.... KEEP your fucking benefits as I won't need them anymore where I'm going. To that BORED government worker I had to deal with???? Fuck you. You have far too much power and you just said NO because of ONE FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER. Again,... no customer service. Just bored people who don't give a shit. And because of that bored person - I DIDN'T GET A VERY MUCH NEEDED BENEFIT. 

I'm fed up. With everyone and everything and it's time to go,...

Because if I wait around too much longer???? They will be coming after me for back pay for ODSP,.... because we are not allowed to live in peace. On ODSP and living in Ontario Housing your whole life is living under the threat of eviction and homelessness because of your poverty.

I'm done living under that stress. If noone wants to give me an apartment??? And I out and out REFUSE to stay in this toxic building,... then I end my life.

I fucking hate this society right now as all it's done is BEAT me down until I don't even want to be alive anymore,....

What a sad life,... and even more sad,... NOONE fucking cares,....

Oh and guess what? It's Thanksgiving this weekend and I am again ALONE.

FUCK YOU Canada for treating us disabled like we don't even exist

I have woken up dispondent. It just seems like life is out to make me miserable. EVERYTHING has fallen apart and I am left with nothing. ODSP is coming after me because I received this settlement so they can stop my payments saying I now don't need them. I am so upset with them I just handed it over to my lawyer. I can't deal with people who's only goal is to make your life hard. I've given up dealing with them. You call and call and call and they never call you back. But when THEY want something,... they want it NOW and demand it. So if they want something,... THEY can go get it as I'm done being left on hold just so they can take my benefit.

Being hit by a car has ruined my life. I made enough to save me in BC and get me back home,... and then refurnish my apartment once I got here. But I didnt make enought to buy anything to get me out of Ontario Housing. And buying is the ONLY way to escape Housing as NOONE WILL RENT TO ME as I am on ODSP and live in poverty and landlords won't trust that we will pay our rent.

I HAVE MONEY IN THE BANK BUT THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. What good is all this money if it wont' help me change my situation?

Infact,... it has fucked up my benefits. I now have too much money for benefits - but NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO LIVE ON.

Getting hit by this car has ruined my life. 

And I am so angry at the Canadian government and their attitude. I desperately NEED this new National Disability Benefit that has come out,... but becasue I won't walk five kilometers to get yet another photo copy they cancelled my application.

I do not get this benefit because I can't walk downtown right now. And the guy working for the government on the other end of that phone call? Sounded BORED. When I said I couldn't do that as I wasn't well enough right now,... do you know what he said in his BORED voice??? 

"Ok maam we'll go ahaead and cancel your application then shall I?

The people that work in our government just don't care,.... he offered me no alternative,.... no extended time,... just "ok,.... we'll go ahead and cancel your application" like to him? It was one less person he had to deal with.

So No ODSP,.... No National Benefit,.... I am just not surviving right now. And I feel like the Canadian Government is AGAINST ME and doing everything they can to make my life MISERABLE.

All becasue I couldnt' walk 5 km downtown to get the back of my ID photo copied. I already did the front and every other damn thing they wanted,... but it wasn't good enough. So NO!!!! NO JACQUIE YOU don't get the benefit becasue your a worthless piece of shit.

I hope that man who said that gets Karma someday. Being allowed to decide whethere someone gets help or not is a position he obviously doesn't give one shit about. He COULD have helped me get that benefit but he didn't. Becasue he was BORED and couldn't be bothered.

THIS folks is why I don't plan on sticking around.

I got hit by a car and since then my life has gone down,... down.,... down,... and now they are taking my ODSP too.

Fuck you all,... I'm fucking done,...

I'll be fucking gone before Christmas.

Best Christmas present my family could ever get....

The mentally ill monster ~ GONE!!!

Because society has just made it too hard to get basic fucking needs,...

And I'm fucking done BEGGING!!!!!!!

If it's too hard to get basic needs,... then it's time to end the party.

I hope Canda is proud of themselves as the obviously don't give ONE SHIT about the disabled in their country.

Time to draw up a will

There is a lot of planning to do now. And the biggest most important job right now is to make my will. Now that I have a few bucks in the bank, I have to make a will so that I know my children will NOT SEE A DIME of it. But who do I give it to? I have noone in my family that I hasn't turned their back on me. When I was in trouble they told me to fuck off,... so I did.

But what they didn't know is I have a bank account now. So you see HAyley,... I didn't NEED your money. I wasn't after MONEY. I wasn't asking you to be my "parent". I had everything I needed. I just wanted to see you and get a hug. But you ASSUMED I wanted to live there or borrow money or in some way have you guys look after me. And that was the furthurst thing from the truth. When I called you,... I had everything I needed. I just WANTED to see you,... but you choose to tell people that YOU were the parent and I was the child in our relationship because,... well,... I don't know how you can say that. You ahve never given me anything. I have never asked for anything,... so how am I the child ruining your life??? BULLSHIT. You wouldn't let me near you. You would only ever text - never answer your phone,... so how the fuck were you playing the part of my parent. THAT IS A JOKE. The day after my accident you said you would come and help me,... you never showed up. Not a call,... not a text,... just a no show. That told me you didn't care how I was. For the record,... I was NOT ok. I desperately needed your help but you blew me off. Good parenting,....

So my kids don't deserve this money. They have done nothing but blame me for every problem in their life. My mother was so horrible,... and I dont' agree so if I'm such a terrrible mother,...

the you dont' get my fucking money!!!!!!! 

So I have sat here trying to figure out what to do with it. It's sitting in a bank account - useless - as noone will rent to me so it's no good to me. I was origianlly going to put it in trust for my grand daughter but I have decided not to do that. My heart is broken that my daughter excluded me from her life. So I have decided that if they really truly think I am that much of a monster I can't even see my own grandchild? Then they get NOTHING from me. 

But what to do with it then? I have decided to donate it. I have narrowed it down to two organizations. Toronto Sick Kids Hospital (where the twins were airlifted to) or to the Guelph organizations that bent over backwards to get me home to Ontario and get my old apartment back. Why should I give money to two girls who want nothing to do with me. Instead I feel it should go to the people who REALLY helped me when i was so desperate. I would love to find that young man who picked me up along the BC highway and drove me to the ferry. I would love to give $$$ to him as whether he knows it or not - HE SAVED MY LIFE. But I can't remember anything about him as I was so traumatized at the time. 

So I am making an appointment with a lawyer to draw up my will. It will state that my two daughters and anyone else in my family is NOT to receivbe one dime of my money or any of my belongings. They are completely shut out. Just as they have shut me out,...

That money - I was so excited to get - can't help me escape this prison. So if I can't use it,... and I'm ending my life,... then someone has to get this money.

It's not too late for my daughters. But they will never reach out,... ever. And I'm done waiting,...

The homeless and Sick Kids are going to get my money.

And it will all be BEFORE Christmas.

It's not too late girls,... but with all the yapping you get from everyone else,... you will never see me as just a person who loves you and lives for her family. Instead I am a monster,...

It's not too late,... but I will know you only want the money,... not me.

P.S. for anyone concerned,... My kittens will be well looked after as they will be given away to a home that I have researched. They will already have had their operations to be fixed and they will come with a cheque to be looked after in the future. The will be up to date with the vet and well looked after. I won't leave until i know they are well looked after.

I woke up this  morning to 2 kittens nibbling on me for their breakfast. Adorable. How could you not smile? My mornings now are in a hurry. Hurry up and get us our breakfast. I can't do anything until I have put their bowls of food down. Then, I can go and wash my face and brush my teeth and put the coffee on. It wasn't until I sat down to wait for my coffee that my mood shifted. It always does when realization sets in. 

I'm not going anywhere,... I am trapped in this toxic building

And when that realization hits my heart sinks. My mood drops to sadness and depression. If my life were different I would just get up and do something I enjoy to change my mood. But theres nothing to do. I can't go anywhere. Getting anywhere in this town is a nightmare. So if I can't walk there,... I just stay home. And right now I can't even walk.

I have been having trouble walking lately. I think my hips are going. It's definitely something going on. When I sit I get no relief from pain. It's all in that hip and groin area. And because I don't have a doctor it has never been looked at. I try and mention it at past visits but I get reminded of the "one issue per visit" rule so I end up going with the more serious problem which is usually my blood pressure. But now I am older. Things are breaking down. And because they are not getting addressed right away as they happen, they just get worse over time. And that is what is happening with my hip/groin area. It has become so painful I can't walk well anymore. Even with the walker it is too painful. 

I feels like I am just falling apart at the seems. Every day a new pain,... a new problem,... but nothing gets addressed. I am desperate for a physical. DESPERATE. I tried finding out how to get one but it turns out WITHOUT A DOCTOR YOU JUST DONT GET ONE! I called our local walk-in clinic (no physicals and just one issue per visit) I called 811 which offered no help. I have called every number on the internet I can find on how to get a physical in Ontario when you dont' have a doctor. They keep telling me my local walkin. But they dont do physicals,... so why are they telling people they do? In the end I just got the run around. Try this number,... try that number,... but no number ever helped. It was all a waste of time. So Canada,... let me ask you this,...

What good is FREE health care 

If you can't access it????????

The only health care available to me is walk-in and 911. And each time I call 911 it costs me $45.00 so THATS NOT FREE. If you have a doctor,... it's free. But if you don't and you have to rely on 911?? Get your chequebook out as it is expensive. I owe over $600 right now which I just out and out REFUSE to pay. And yes,... I had bill collectors after me for the longest time until I called the hospital and told them they have a nerve asking me for money when 911 is all I have for health care. The woman actually agreed and wiped out that debt. But since then I have had to call numerous times so the bill is once again growing. So NO health care is not free for me.

Over the past few weeks I have done a lot of thinkking and soul searching and I have decided that life is not worth living anymore. It's all negative,... struggle,... stress,... pain. There is no family,... friends,... joy,... 

So I stopped all my medications again. And even if my blood pressure goes as high as 255 again - I WILL NOT BE CALLING 911. I have asked over and over again for a doctor,... for help,... but noone bat an eye. I am invisable to this society. 

Living for me is painful. And if noone is going to help with a doctor,... a physical,... then that tells me that as time goes on and my health declines more,... I will just suffer even more.

I am not going to do that. Why should I? Why should I feel pain and heartbreak every day with nothing in return. But trolls coming after me making my life even harder. 

Every morning I sit with my coffee and I watch people on YouTube live the life I dream about. I watch channels of people up north living in small cabins off grid. My dream. But instead of living it,... I am forced to sit in my prison cell and watch through a screen. I envy these folks so much. 

All I want is out of this building but even with money in the bank noone will rent to me,... out and out discrimination becasue I am on disability. I have been sentenced to the remainder of my life in this hell hole. I am not going to let that happen. 

I have tried,... but it was like wack-a-mole. Every time I rose i got bopped right back down,... there is no escaping unless someone takes a chance on me and rents to me,... if that doesn't happen I am forever trapped here.

It hurts my heart that there isn't one person on this planet that can help. I'm not asking for money,... I am just asking for a break. I have never asked for a dime in my life. I think people think because I am on disability and poor, they will get STUCK looking after me. I KNOW thats how my children feel. But honestly I don't know why. I have never asked for anything from them or anyone. And I have my own money. I get a pittance monthly but I have money in the bank I can draw from to pick up the slack for a better enviroment. But noone will give me a break,...

I feel that. I am not important enough in anyones life for them to go out of their way to help. If any of my frineds found themselves homeless I would be FIRST in line to help them. In any way I could. But my family blamed me instead of helping. And THAT destroyed me. I will never forget coming back from BC with my tail between my legs wanting nothing but a hug only to receive a "fuck off". I don't know what they think I wanted becasue I already had my apartment secured. I wasn't asking for a place to stay or money,... I was wanting a hug. But they had decided already. Hayley wouldnt' even hear me out. Just said she was sick of being the adult and me the child (??????) WTF? I have never asked for a damn thing from that child - EVER - in my entire life. So that statement made absolutely no sense to me what-so-ever. People who have read this blod can see I did nothing but chase her and get pushed away. So to me that was just an excuse to not only have to have me in her life,... but can now gain sympathy from the rest of the family "Is she expecting me to take her in and look after her now????" She never took the time to ask me what I wanted. Noone did. I was just told to fuck off. For the record I needed nothing but a hug. 

I can't even watch tv with toddlers as I break down and cry missing the grand daughter I haven't even met. She's all I think about some days. And reminders just hurt my heart. 

With all of this I have decided that it's time to just check out. 

If one person would rent to me,... my life could change. But there just doesn't seem to be one place on this planet for me where I feel wanted. Right now it's just bullies and family telling me to fuck off. So you know what? Don't fucking blame me when i do,.....

This world is cruel

I feel so defeated this morning,.... everything is going WRONG.

ODSP is now DEMANDING to see my settlement as they want to send it to their legal team to see if I still qualify for ODSP. I am so fed up with their demands and controlling ways I just want to cancel ODSP altogether. From the beginning of when I started receiving this benefit my life has changed completely for the NEGATIVE. They control EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE.

You are NOT ALLOWED to receive (form anyone) more than their $1480 a month (or whatever it is now I don't know as I was off of it for so long after my accident) but it's UNDER $1500. IF I receive mon ey on TOP of that from somewhere else ~ ODSP TAKES IT AWAY so that I STILL only receive their $1480.

This benefit is designed to KEEP YOU IN POVERTY and never let you escape. I know,... becasue I have tried several times but only managed to get thrown bvack into this poverty and ODSP's oppresive state. 

NO YOU DO NOT DESERVE ANYMORE THAN $1480 a month so just shut up and be grateful.

Think about it,.... Could you live off of $1480 a month??? Of course not,... it's immpossible. But if you do find more money,... ODSP 'absorbs' it into something i still don't undertstand so that we never make more than $1480. 

Now,... heres something no one knows. My settlement money had came in. I have some money in my bank account right now. (At least I think it's a lot of money but to most people it wouldn't be much). But to someone in my position I thought it was gold. In the end,...it wasn't,... it wasn't nearly enough to change my life. It saved me in BC,... But I still can't escape this poverty. Why? Because I didn't make enough to BUY property (which apparently the only way I am escaping this place) but I made enough to effect my benefits. NOW,... ODSP has "heard" from someone (again my troll) that I came into a bit of money. (I would LOVE to know who is dong all of this tattling on me trying to ruin my life!!!!) 

So now ODSP is DEMANDING I send them my settlement document so their legal team can go threw it and decide if I am worthy enough of still receiving ODSP. 

Heres the problem. I took that settlenment money and after realizing that NOONE WOULD RENT TO ME STILL the money was no good to me. So I put it into a GIC for one year. I cannot touch it for one year. NOW,... ODSP is saying I don't deserve ODSP anymore becasue of this settlenment. If they stop my disability payments - I am fucked as my settlement money is LOCKED and I cannot touch it.

So how am I suppose to live now??? With just my CPP. $851.51 a month. My rent is over $600 (with the housing benefit I have I get a break) 

That settlement money is for pain and suffering. I lost the use of my right hand and still have other deficits that effect my life every single day. 

ODSP has no fucking right to even threaten me with stopping their payments. I was hit by a car. NOT MY FUCKING FAULT. Yet, ever since my life has changed. Benefits taken away,... no health care,... no help at all for anything,... yet,...

now they want to take away my ODSP.

I would LOVE to know who called them and tattled. WHO even knows I got a settlement? Tonya fucking Halls knows,... that's who. Again, I cna't prove anything. But someone is trolling me calling all my benefits and saying I got a settlement and shouldnt' get my benefit anymore,... WHO would be so low to do that??? And why? If ODSP stops my beneifits I WILL BE HOMELESS BY SPRING! Whoever is trolling me is deliveratly trying to get me homeless. Hmmm,.... that sounds familiar Tonya Halls,... and even if it isn't her? Well she has form and has done it to me before and succeeded so why would I think she would stop now. 

Whoever it is,... you have fucked me up royally as if ODSP takes away my benefit - I have nothing to live on and can't pay rent or eat and will end up losing this apartment.

I feel so hunted,... so worthless,.... why is everyone trying to make my life so hard??? What the fuck did I ever do to you to deserve losing my income and my HOME???? What the fuck did I ever do to you????

So becasue ODSP would never call me back,... I sent them an email basiclaly saying if you won't answer your phone or call back??? Then heres my lawyer - you can do what you need to do on your own time. I am out of it. I am not sitting on hold multiple times to do YOUR work and end up losing my benefit. If you want to stop my benefit then YOU can do the work of calling my lawyer and asking for the settlement YOURSELF on your own time. I am so sick of them and there untouchable office that you can't get through but trhey never call you back,....

So I have set a date,... for THAT day. I am so depressed,... heartbroken that I am so worthless to this society that I can't bear to stick around.

Plans have been made,... we just wait for the date.

I don't want to hear "Why did she do it?" Becasue I have been asking for help for YEARS and you all turned your backs on me.

So you have no say or judgement in what happens now,

You don't give me enough to live on,... and then trhreaten to take away what I still have,...

You don't give health care and I am falling apart DESPERATE for a physical as I KNOW there is something seriously wrong with my body,...

And today,... the decision was sealed when I decdided to go and do some laps. (walk the hallways here for exercise) I can go down staris but not up them so I do floor by floor going down the stairs and then take the elevator back up and do it all over again. But it's nerve wracking as I am terrified of running into Darren or Mark. And what happened this morning? I ran into Mark. I just came down the hall as he was getting off the elevator. This is how much he has effected me,... My body started to shake,... I froze in place,... then I did an about face and RAN down the hall to an alcove where I was out of sight and I HID until he entered his apartment.

THIS IS NOT LIVING. This is existing in fear. 

So the date is picked,... the method chosen,... and unless someone knocks on my door with help,... I will be dead and buried by Christmas,...

I hate this fucking world and I can't wait to leave it,.....

We are closing in on my troll. They live here in my town

 We are closing in on WHO is going into all of my accounts. The police have discovered the person is using a Fire HD tablet and they live in Fergus. I don't even OWN a Fire tablet. I used to but threw it out (or gave it away?) before I left for BC. So it is probobly someone here in my building. Tonya Halls,..? Darren Green? Mark Rathwell? Whoever you are, you are not as clever as you think. We now have your IP address and know what device you are using. We just have to find what exact address you live in.

To actually see that it is NOT my imagination and that someone REALLY IS going into all of my accounts and changing stuff has actually been a relief as I know now I am not crazy. It really IS someone else. They cancelled 3 subscriptions. So you may think you are so clever behind that keyboard. But hiding behind annonimity is not courageous ~ it is you being a COWARD. Deliberatly and diabolically trying to sabotage my life by infiltrating my accounts is down right evil.

Keep it up Mr. Fire HD tablet,..... the more you use your internet to troll and harass me? The more the police have a chance of catching you,...

So keep it up as we WILL catch you. And then YOU can be humiliated and shamed. Because you better believe that the minute I find out your name - you are going to be SHAMED on this blog and every social media account I have. And because you ILLEGALLY used my password to gain entry into my Facebook and blog accounts,... you will be CHARGED. What you are doing now has crossed the line and is now not just harrassment ~ it is Illegal and we are coming after you

By the way, I got another pop up on Facebook asking if "I am ok?" - I haven't posted on there and have deleted five years of my posts so why do they think I am in trouble? Because someone is telling them that. And today we found out what device they are using,....

You may want to go away on vacation as we are getting really, really close to finding out who you are,...

A Fire HD tablet user living here in Fergus, Ontario,.... won't be long now before we have a name and address

Ok Troll - YOU WIN. I just can't take the intrusion anymore!

*** one last post explaining why I have been FORCED to shut this blog *****

Today has been the worst morning I have had in a long time. I woke up, made my coffee. Did my usual morning routine and then sat to turn on my Toronto FC football game. Apple just kept kicking me out after 10 seconds of watching. Not out of the game but out of the streaming site. This has been happening all the time.

I paid a yearly cost of $99 plus tax for the MLS app inside of the Apple app (meaning I had to buy BOTH just to watch  football) so it wasn't a cheap purchase. So you can imagine my frustration when I would turn on a game and it wouldn't allow me to watch. It would throw me right out of the app. So I called Apple and guess what? Someone cancelled the app on me????? WTF? Yeah,... someone has gone in and cancelled my subscription so that it is now null and void. No wonder I couldn't watch any games. I'm mad though as first of all, I didn't cancel it so that is weird. But secondly,... shouldn't I still be able to watch until my yearly pass expires? Apparently not.

Now I am paranoid that someone - probobly the same person trolling me on other social media sites - has my password and literally went into my Apple account and cancelled my subscription to the MLS App. I know for a fact it was NOT me. I love football. Why on earth would I pay $99 for an app and then turn around and cancel it???? Someone else did,... and THAT thought leaves me with the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. Because what I thought was just an annoying troll ~ has now become a big problem. They seem to have access to every single thing I do on the internet. 
So this morning I spent over an hour changing every single password I have. EVERY SINGLE ONE. So whoever is trolling me - good luck now. I have shut down every single social media with a an iron tight lock. Unless you knock on my door,.... you  now have NO ACCESS TO ME AT ALL ANYMORE. I am hiding in my unit with everything shut down. YOU CANNOT GET TO ME ANYMORE.

This life of mine is no longer just miserable. Now it is nothing but harrassment.Every where I turn.

Just being HUNTED by someone I don't even know.

And the "not knowing" is what is making me so upset. Being hunted by an invisable person is very unsettling.

YOU WIN - The plans to end my life are in motion,.... YOU FUCKING WIN!! But just remember,.... when I'm dead and buried,... NOW what will you do with your time? Find another victim? Probobly,.... and destroy their life too,...

I've given up in this life. Every benefit feels like begging,... you have to jump through hoops just to get it and even then they say you did it wrong and you dont' get it!!!!!!~

No loved ones,.... just annonamous trolls,...

No joy (no family,... friends,... grand daughter,...)

No joy,... just poverty and pain

I can't even escape by moving as NOONE WILL RENT TO ME!!! I have the money!!!! They just won't rent to me. Leaving me feeling trapped in a place I am being HUNTED! I desperately need out of here but noone will rent to me

The date is approaching and I am ready,....

Bye bye troll - you win. I will no longer exist in a few short weeks. You drove me to end my life,... you happy??????

NOW who will you harrass for your enjoyment?????????

I think it's time to make a plan

I can't sleep. I have so much on my mind. My anxiety level got to such a level tonight that I got out of bed and decided to do laps in the hall of my building. I wanted to try and physically wear it out of me. I hadn't even done one lap yet when I heard a cough. Didn't really fizz on me as it could have been anyone in their unit. So I boldly continued on down the hall. When I got to the bend I almost ran smack dab into Darren Green. WTF!? It was 3:30 in the morning. I was doing laps because I couldn't sleep. What the fuck was he doing just standing in the hall? I was going to turn around and go back but my anxiety was that high I needed to walk. So I did. I walked right past him. But I was nervous. You just can't read this guy. He is so unpredictable I dont trust him. When I got to the end of the hall he walked away to the laundry room. Once he was in the laundry room I scurried back to my unit and locked the door.

I have been isolated away for so long I just needed to get out and walk. It was 3:30 in the monrning and yet,... I STILL ran into Darren Green. There is no escaping him. He seems to be everywhere I go. I was actually pissed off that he has controlled me yet again. I couldn't finish my laps as I don't want to be outside of my unit when he is out and about. He actually scares me as he is so dark and unpredicatable but most dangerous of all is, he can't let go and won't stop revenging,.... I will never be safe from this man. Ever.

I am having trouble with all of my benefits right now. I can't even get the new benefit as I didn't photo copy properly so I guess I am just too dumb to get that one,.... duh,....

ODSP is wanting my settlement so they can send it to their lawyers to see if I still qualify for their stupid fucking benefit. But they never call me back so it's been a real run around. I finally told her if you want this settlement then call my lawyer as I am so tired of sitting on the phone on hold for HOURS and HOURS and HOURS just to be hung up on. So it looks like ODSP saw $$$$$ that I got (which is now all gone by the way it was so little,...) they are now concerned I don't deserve their ODSP each month now. I was so angry I told her to do what she wants,... I'm tired of being controlled and made to feel like Im not worth their fucking money.

Infact this whole benefit thing has just made me feel like a begger. They are dangling a carrot infront of me but "oh no - you didn't do the photo copy right so NO - you are too dumb to get this benefit" They literally had me in the hospital trying to get all their damn paperwork. And now I've done it wrong,... 

So I went to bed tonight knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep. I have ODSP threatening to stop their payments (which they just re-started!!!) and I DON'T get the national benefit now because apparently the hoops were too hard to jump through and I wasn't able to physically walk another 5 km to get yet another fucking photo copy,...

Jump through the hoop!!!!!! Oh,... so sad,.... your too dumb,.... nope - no benefit for you!!!!!!! You can't jump through the hoops??? YOu don't get the benefit!!! Hahahahahahahhahaha

So tonight I sit here seriously contemplating why I am alive. I have to beg for money to survive and even then don't get it,....

My family hates me and I am completely alone. I am just too lonely to go on,...

I want to move but noone will rent to me becasue I have POVERTY written all over my forehead. NO YOU CAN'T HAVE AN APARTMENT  ~  Your a welfare whore who deserves nothing. 

I have nothing,... I go nowhere,... I can't even leave my unit at 3:30 in the morning without running into the evil scum of Darren Green.

I have struggled for sooooooooooo long now. So long,..... I have waited for family that is never coming back. My heart is just broken and I don't care about life anymore.

My body is completely falling apart and the pain is unbearable now. But with no doctor and no consistant health care at all I am only looking at MORE pain in the future. 

Pain and povery,.... I have to do some serious thinking becasue my body is breaking down and I CAN'T do what I need to do to survive anymore. I just physaically can't,... and why should I struggle anymore? For what? Pain? Poverty? Lonliness? Begging for basic needs making me feel like a dirty charity case?

Noone sees me. Invisable,... my heart broken,... I really do think I need to make some REAL solid plans to end my life.

MAiD isn't going to help me,.... My family isn't going to help me,... NOONE is going to help me,...  

I have a granddaughter that I have never even met! I can't live with that,.... too heart breaking

I really do think it's time to just throw in the towel and call it a day and end my life.

I can't bear this one any longer and I need peace.

I've tried,... I've really, really tried. But I am a monster to my family and invisable to society and I am too tired and in pain to carry on,...

I NEEDED HELP

But I didn't get any,....

I know the date,... I just have to get the method that I need to use. I just have to make one trip downtown to Guelph and then my Christmas present to myself is going to be SUICIDE.

Now, I can't wait to finally feel peace.

This is the Canadian Government starving it's disabled

 I am livid right now,...

Remember how I walked over 5 km to get ONE fucking photo copy for the national disability benefit??? Then when I got home the walk was too much and I ended up in the hospital. Remember how HARD it was for me to get that ONE fucking photo copy???

Well I just got a phone call from them. It wasn't good enough. They needed BOTH sides of my id photo copied and I only did ONE side. I told them how difficult it was for me to get THAT photo copy but they didn't care and said they need this done.

So I got mad and said I am not doing that and to just cancel my application and I just won't get this benefit. ALL BECAUSE I NEED ONE FUCKING PHOTO COPY THAT I CANT AND WONT GO GET AS I AM NOT ABLE BODIED ENOUGH TO DO IT!!!! I am NOT going to end up in hospital again just for one fucking photo copy. He should have told me I needed both sides BEFORE I went and got it. 

Fuck this country,.... you have to fucking give your first born child just to get help.

You know what CANADA ~ Keep your fucking benefit as I can't do what you need me to do as ,.... guess what,... I am DISABLED!!!!!!

So fuck Canada,... I am so sick of fighting with every fucking benefit I try to claim. 

I guess you have to be a fucking IMMIGRANT to get what you need in this country becasue being born and raised here has just got me HUNGRY and unable to survive,....

Fuck you Canada

I tried to get a DISABILITY benefit but becasue I am not able bodied enough to get their fucking paper work I dont' get the benefit. I wonder if they see the irony,... but I doubt it as the guy I spoke with sounded BORED and didnt'care. he just said,... and I quote,... "OK then,... we will delete your application,..."

THEY didn't give one fuck about me - NOT ONE FUCK,....

This woman can't do what we need??? Just dump her and move on to the next sucker living in poverty in this country,....

I fucking hate CANADA right now and I fucking hate my life!!!!!!!

No fucking sense fighting this system,... you can't win. And the only escape is DEATH!!!

One choice left - to end it all because none gives a fuck your being bullied

I am still writing ~ I just can't publish. I am still furious with whoever it is that is stalking me and has forced me to go into hiding. I had to close all my social media including this blog. I feel like I live in a bubble you can't even see out of now. No contact with people,... no talking to anyone but my kittens. No human contact at all now. 

I really, really HATE Tonya Halls and the rest of the trolls and gargoyles that just won't keep their noses out of my business. Just nasty - nosy people who have ruined it for me. 

No more blog and that INFURIATES me as it was ALL I HAD LEFT.

So now I am isolated. I can feel myself shrivelling up and dying inside.

If I ever find out - for sure without a doubt - who it is that has casued me to close this blog I have no idea what I will do. I can't tell you how upset and angry I am that these nasty folk are CONTROLLING what I can and cannot do. 

Mark - won't allow me into the gazebo and noone stopped him

Tonya Halls trolled and made my life a fucking misery for 8 years and got away with it. Is still getting away with it as she still gossips and lies about me to whoever will listen.

Darren - don't even get me started on the people in this building who would rather side with an animal abuser before I even came out of the building I was already hated and the revenge started. Darren went from the his unit to the gazebo and threw me under the bus before the police had even left my apartment. To this day I have no idea what he told people but they all hate me now and they all get up and leave as soon as i go out there. Until last month when i was actually yelled at - bullied - into not even being ALLOWED to go out there while they are there - or else. And they all get away with it.

And me? I have buried myself inside my apartment and am never coming out until I move. I take my garbage out, get my mail and that is all. I then scurry back into my unit and hide.

I am so angry at Ontario Housing for allowing all this bullying to go on in their buildings.

I am so angry that Tonya fucking Halls is still being a cunt and people all listen and believe,...

I can't stand it. I just can't stand the lying and bullying!!!!!!

My life has been reduced to hiding inside to avoid assholes. And I am so angry that noone is doing a damn thing about it,...

I am open season and Ontario Housing just doesn't give one shit. They have no idea that the gazebo (where we are forced to go to smoke) is a disgusting,... bullying,.... harrassing,.... nasty war zone. The only women brave enough to be subjected to this disgusting enviroment is ME and one other woman. NOONE else will set foot inside that gazebo and would rather risk eviction than go out there with these bully men. I have tried to talk to Ontario Housing but got 'dismissed'. I tried calling the police but got absolutely nowhere.

I am FURIOUS that these low life scum people have controlled what I ahve to do for peace. And that is hide. I should not have to hide away inside my apartment just to feel safe. But I do.

And I am really, really angry that noone cares,....

Really angry,.....

Like I am ready to blow angry for the unfairness of it and once again being made to feel not only invisable but UNWORTHY of feeling safe in my own home.

I hate my life and i hate Ontario Housing.

I just want out - but as you know,... I have tried and getting out is never going to happen,...

I am fucked and I am really, really angry that I have been thrown away here and left to rot and deal with the assholes all on my own.

I hate it here and I will die before I stay here

I don't deserve to be bullied and lied about and gossiped about until noone in the building even likes me (Thank you Tonya for your lies)

I hate my life and now I just want to DIE

If noone is going to help me get the fuck out of this place then i need to end my life to get that escape,...

Fuck you Ontario Houising and Tonya Halls and Darren Green and Mark Rathwell,.... you are all horrible human beings that HURT people. 

I can't fight you - your too nasty and know all the tricks,...

But I can kill myself to end it,....

And that feels like the only choice I have left right now.

And I'm so fucking angry I just might be able to do it this time

I feel so  defeated,...

so invisable,...

so unwanted,...

 so HUNTED,...

So alone,...

I really, really just can't take this anymore

I've started packing,...

Not sure if I am moving or dying

I guess it will all depend on if someone,...

just ONE person,...

will give me a chance and get me the fuck out of Ontario Housing,... 

Because if I can't get out,...

I need to start making plans to end my life

This is TORTURE

TORTURE

And I need help 

but noone will help me

So what the fuck am I suppose to do when everyone turns their heads and ignores my desperation???

You know what you do?

You say fuck it and kill yourself and die 

Becasue in thsi fucked up life you really are on your own

I asked for help,...

NOONE helped,... 

I told you all I couldn't take it anymore 

I TOLD YOU!!!!

But again I was fucking invisable and unwanted

Invisable and unwanted

Noone can live like this,... 

And I shouldn't have to,...

So fuck you all

I'm done

Jacquie is now gone and hiden and you will never find her

I have had enough.

 I am mentally ill. I have BPD amoung other things. Part of this disorder is not handling conflict well. And I have - in confidnce - told people who I thought were very good friends about this, and how it's something I really struggle with in life. I have talked about it here on this blog as well. This is obviously a flaw of mine that has caused me a lot of heartache over the years.

This is the first blog post I have struggled to write as it is so painful for me to talk about. BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is horrendous to live with. I fight my own brain every single day. I hate myself and self harm. My life is hard just navagating that.

Ever since I moved into this building weird things started to happen. Gossip, and I mean vicious LYING gossip. Not just "do you know what she did?" I mean people out and out lying to make your life hard. That started as soon as I moved in here. And it never stopped. Imagine meeting a man and dating him but your neighbour keeps telling you she sees him cheating. You facetime him and he is in another city working. The person out and out lied to try and break us up. Things like this were happening all the time. I couldn't quite put my finger on what was going on. It's just now as I look back over 9 years of living here and realizing just how INTRUSIVE the people here are.

But I digress,... the reason I am talking about all of this past crap is that I can't cope with it anymore. Someone is still gossiping non-stop about me here. Someone is still on every social media I have. Spying,... tattling,... anonomously harrassing,... so brave behind a keyboard. But this shit has been going on for YEARS. And over those past 9 years I have slowly had to close up every part of my life to hide from these nosy people. I have had the police here SEVERAL times on wellness checks from people phoning them. I have had the Humane Society called because they were concerned about Maggie as I didn't feed her and my place was so dirty the litter box hadn't been cleaned in months,.... I have had Ontario Housing say they have got multiple complaints about me. It is like a slow growing toxin that has crept into every crevice of you life. Until you wake up one day and realize you have no life. It has been stolen from you by abusive neighbours,.... nosy gossips and trolls. The constant barage of lies and complaints starts to get to you. What must the police think of me having so many complaints from whoever it is in this building. Whoever the person ishas turned me into a paranoid fearful victim. The worst part is not knowing exactly who it is. It could be multiple people in this building as they do seem to work in vicious little cliques. But the truth is,... I just don't know. And that has left me feeling scared and vulnerable and not knowing WHO it is makes that feeling even worse. 

My mental illness has made this situation very serious. As people with BPD can't deal with this shit. And that causes us to feel such distress we do stuff just because we feel so invisable and helpless about the situation. I feel victimized with NO HELP. I feel like Facebook has HELPED this troll victimize me. Ontario Housing wouldn't protect me. For 9 years I got "We dont' get involved with personality conflicts,..." Thats what they called the harrassement - "personality conflict". When I complained ~ I got banned from talking to Ontario Housing altogether!! BPD didn't come with a rule book so I struggle with conflict and how to deal. And the people in this building that I confided that too, are now using that to "poke the bear" They know that not knowing who it is that is doing all this stalking and harassing is making my mental illness get worse. And they count on me being so bothered by all of this I feel defeated. They enjoy making me feel scared. They enjoy knowing I don't know for sure who it is,... They enjoy the anger and frustration I am feeling,... they enjoy all of it. And the more i react - the more they get enjoyment out of it so continue to do it. But people with BPD dont' know how to NOT react. We take everything very personal. We feel things deeper than most,... our emotions are stronger than usual. But we don't know how to change that. So this person,... who has just insinuated themselves into my life - annonomously - over the past 9 years is never going to stop. Not when they know how much it effects me. And it is effecting me very deeply. 

And whoever is doing it obviously knows me very well as they read this blog. So they know every flaw. people have said to stop writing your deepest fears but this is a blog about mental illness and all the struggle that brings. I'm not going to not write about the hard parts to placate other people. If someone reads this blog and instead of seeing a person struggling with mental illness but instead sees FUEL to use to hurt that person??? That is not my fault. I shouldn't have to worry about writing freely and honestly about a horrible illness. I should be allowed to write about the vulnerable side to this disease.

So HOW DARE YOU ~ whoever this troll is (and I have a very good idea I know who, I just have to prove it now.) How dare you take something so personal and vulnerable and use it to hurt me. YOU are the sick one. You have used this blog as your 'entertainment rag' to learn my vvulnerabilities and then hurt me. That is cruel and sick behaviour. To a person with BPD ~ it's FATAL. But you still think it's an entertaining game for you. Playing headgames with my life. 

Facebook won't help me. I complain but it's a BOT I'm complaining to. They just don't care. Housing protects the bully and gives the victim "transfer papers" as it's better to get rid of the 'complainer' than the problem. Easier to transfer the victim than have to go through the procedure of evicting someone. That would be too much work for them and cost them a lot of money. So instead,... hide the victim away from the bully. My bully still sits out in the gazebo like he fucking owns it,.... He definitely won and Ontario Housing let him.

This is a long post as it will be one that explains everything. I have asked for help with everything for years and years and years but I have just felt like an invisable nobody. And then to have people just gossip and lie and harrass eats away at you over time. And after 9 years - I just can't take it anymore. This enviroment is literally KILLING ME. I need out or I WILL end up killing myself in desperation. 

But I can't get out,... I have tried. God knows I have tried to escape this place. But it's like a vortex that just sucks you right back in and leaving you to feel like your completely on your own. 

I have noone to talk to,... so this situation has left me overwhelmed. I have had to close up my life to hide yet noone cares,... Infact maybe they all think thats better. Hide her away in that apartment where noone has to see or talk to her,... evderyone is happy. Except me,... becasue I am the invisable mentally ill monster that is hiding away afraid to go out my front door.

Police won't help,... Ontario Housing won't even see the problem. Facebook helps trolls harrass people but wont allow us to get help from them,... I have no friends or family to even talk to about all of this so it just eats away at me day after day. Until now,...

Now I have had enough. I am done with people who wont' keep their nose out of my business. In a severly intrusive damaging way,... I am done with a world that you can't even have a public blog as nasty people use it to hurt you. Over and over again,... 

I am done being Invisable and TAKING IT!!!!!

Today I am done with it all. Facebook,... social media,... this blog,... my life,.... noone fucking cared about me anyway except the nasties who love to hurt me. 

I have had enough of  a society that is ok turning their head to my hardships. 

I have had enough,.....

I have had enough,....

I have had ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!

 this blog is now closed

 I wasn't even wanted the day I was born and that pattern has continued throughout my entire life.

I am alone - bullied - but noone cares.

To this world I am poverty ridden scum. Not respected - not even seen. Ignored,... looked over,.... told no,....I am Never getting out of Ontario Housing because noone sees me as worthwhile to give me a chance.

I am invisable poor scum to this world and I BELONG in Ontario Housing and how dare I try and move up above my station.

There is NO PLACE for me on this planet,...

Will YOU take me in? Thought not,....

So let me leave by saying I tried

I tried with every fiber of my being to escape poverty and the isolation and unwanted'ness of being me. The horrible invisable perspn noone wants to be around. Don't believe me? Ask my family,... my old friends,... anyone? THEY HATE ME

I tried - but NOONE Fucking wanted me and noone would take the chance and give me an apartment to rent,... why?  Becasue I'm a mentallly ill monster that noone likes,... wants or cares about.

Not hanging around to feel such hatred.

I have had as much as I can take and now it's time for peace.

BYE

I'm so done,... this world just needs to fucking go away

 It's four o'clock in the morning. I am awake. I am so distraught. I have come to the realization that I am NEVER getting out of Ontario Housing and I will always be a NOBODY living in poverty. I will always be Darrens revenge and Tonyas gossip,...

I am not living

I am being DRAGGED thorugh a life i don't want.

It's time to do something about that.

I have put an ad in marketplace for the kittens. It was a lovely thought but I can't keep these guys. I don't want to be alive.

When I sell these two,... I will be making a will and checking out,...

I am done being told NO,... NO,... NO,... and have to live like an invisable unwanted worthless piece of shit.

This will be my last post.  I have already closed up the other blog and I have deleted 2 years of posts on Facebook. I will continue to delete every post I ever made on there as it was only ever used for gossip by other people.

Noone cared what I was up to,... they just wanted fuel to use against me.

I am tired of being harrassed by Tonyas gossip and Darren and Marks revenge. Do you know Ontario Housings answer to this bullying problem??? They sent ME transfer papers,.... but Mark he is untouchable.

I have my date and time and means,.....

Sorry world but you treated me like shit and I am now fucking done.

last post 

No more blog (fodder for the assholes harrassing me)

Time to fianlly do what I should have done 20 fucking years ago

DIE

I hope I just stroke out and die

 You don't think I'm invisable????? They lost my prescription. I was supposr to have it delivered. THEY FORGOT ABOUT ME AND LOST THE PRESCRIPTION

This is fate after the year I have had. 

SO I am NOT going on medication

I am NOT going to stay 

And now I'll be blamed for that too

NOONE EVEN SEES ME I am fucking invisable

I hope and pray I just stroke out and die now.

DIE
DIE
DIE

Worthless

 How is a person suppose to have any worth when noone will give me any.

My family don't want me

My government keeps me in legislated poverty

I have to climb mountains to get benefits - beg,... beg,... beg,...

I try to better myself by climbing up to a better life, 

But I just keep on getting thrown back.

How am I suppose to feel like I have any worth when noone will give me any.

I just need out of this building and housing but I can't even get landlords to rent to me because I live BELOW the poverty line.

Worthless,...

So tired of my family and country making me feel worthless

FUCK YOU CANADA

I have woken up completely discouraged.

Because I realize I am NEVER getting out of this place.

I am a nobody that nobody gives one shit about.

I am not Jacquie Holyoak

I am a mentally ill monster that has beent thrown away and left to rot

NOONE will allow me to rent from them because I am poor

I give up

I have fought and fought and fought to get out of this damn system but it will never let me go and I will never be a normal human being.

I am poverty scum that even out goven=rnment doesn't want.

If my own governmment doesn't give a shit ~ I don't stand a chance.

So I'm fucking done

NOONE WANTS ME ~ then none will fucking care if I'm gone

FUCK YOU CANADA

I am getting too old for this shit

I know I already posted today. But I had to write again. Today I walked all the way into town just for ONE stupid photo copy. And two hours later I was in the hospital. I had to call 911 as my blood pressure sored over 200. Sometimes if it does that I just sit quiet and it will come down a bit but after that damn walk - I felt like I was having a heart attack. I got sweaty and nauseous and when I took my pressure it was 255 over 195. Any medical person reading this is gasping. That really isn't compatible with life. I immediately called 911. They gave me some meds and made me wait until it got to 180 before I could leave. When I called a taxi to come home it was going to be an hours wait. So i just walked home. 

And that is where I am now. Home. But I am angry that I am 62 and have to struggle so fucking hard for basic needs.

I am fucking EXHAUSTED and I cannot do this anymore,....

I dont' know what to do but I can't do THIS anymore.

I need help

Fucking Benefits are going to be the end of me

I still hadn't managed to get downtown to get that photo copy that the benefit people need. It takes a lot out of me to walk all that way and I just walked yesterday so I really wanted a few days rest. However, I received a lovely threatening letter from the National Disability people,... If I don't get that photo copy to them by Octover 1st - your application will be automatically denied and closed. 

This pisses me off. As the 'able bodied' community has no fucking idea what we go through to get by. That person who is demanding my photo copy is probobly a young person - able bodied - who has a car and has no idea what it's like to live disabled without a vehicle. I hate that they FORCE us to walk when I wasn't really up to it. But I did it. I walked to the printing store and I got their fucking ONE PIECE OF ID photo copy and sent it to them. If this doens't get me the benefit? I am just walking away from this benefit.

I get so sick of people thinking we are as able bodied as they are ~ I am NOT! and they all assume we have some SUV or some vehicle to jump into whenever we need to. 

Transportation has been the biggest problem in my life living here. No reliable taxi service (we have one taxi for all of Fergus and the wait is always an hour or more,...). There are NO BUSES. There is NO transportation available to me so I have to walk everywhere I go. To get groceries,... to take the kittens to the vet,.... anywhere I go I have to WALK with my walker. And our main street through town is under construction so the sidewalks are closed. I had to walk way out of my way today to get to the printers.I wouldn't care so much but getting a letter saying they will denie my benefit and close my application if i dont' walk downtown today!!!!!!

So fucking sick of being poor

So fucking sick of begging for benefits

So fucking sick of being bullied in my own home

I need the fuck out of Fergus but I'm realizing that I may never be able to leave here as,.... why????? I'm poor and therfore landlords won't rent to me

NO FUCKING CHOICES for me,.....

So0 fucking annoyed with this life.

I want so badly to go up north and live in a tiny cabin and just never talk to another human being ever again.

I am so fucking done with people

I need out of this building and Ontario Housing or I will not survive

 I have to get this off of my chest,...

Tonya Halls is not my friend. Just becasue she brought me a box that was left in the lobby does not make me like her again. I told my 2 friends about her coming to my apartment and both said the exact same thing. DONOT TRUST THAT WOMAN

And i do not.

She came to my apartment and gave me the box. But she wouldn't leave. She just stood there waiting - talking about my new kittens. I knew the nosy cow just wanted to see my apartment. I let her in. She actually said "I got my doorbell camera becasue,..." in other words she DOES read my blog and wanted me to think she DIDN'T get the camera to spy on me.

Tonya - you told people I swatted McKenzie,...

You told people I drew on your door

You tried to get me EVICTED!!!!!!! Multiple complaints by you that I was smoking in my unit (I wasn’t and you knew it) But you purposely and diabolically tried to get me homeless. Your a cow.

You told anyone who would listen LIES and gossip to hurt me. You cannot be trusted. We will never be friends and quite frankly I do not want to talk to you.

She was so nosy. What happened in BC?,..... She just wanted fuel to gossip.

I still hate her. I will never trust her. As a nosy gossip never changes.

To come to my door and act like a friend and ask nosy questions just shows me who you really are. You are a gossip who was curious for answers. i wish I had never let her in.

To my two friends who are so worried I trust her,... I don't. Not as far as i can throw her. I like the truce but I still dont' like her. She did a lot of damage to me and refuses to acknowledge it or be big enough to apologize. And until she realizes just how much damage she did to me ~ she will never change. 

So Tonya - stay away from me. We are not friends. You are a nosy cow who just wanted information. You don't like me. You never have. So stop pretending and more to the point - stop being a nosy cow.

And THIS is another reason I need to leave this building. Becasue Tonya hasn't changed. She is still reading this blog. And she still has too much of an interest in me and my life. She has just gone silent and doing behind my back now.

I know your type Tonya and I don't want any part of you.

I will take the truce - but we will NEVER be friends. YOU betrayed me and you don't even have the decency to apologize or even acknowledge you were wrong. To this day, you think you've done nothing wrong when infact you have ruined my life.

Tonya Halls does not exist to me anymore. This will fuel her to start harrassing me again I'm sure. As she just proved she still reads this. She didn't care about the box in the lobby. She just saw my name and a way to get in to be nosy. 

I need out of this building. Because people are far too nosy for their own good and won't leave you alone. I have been isolating not leaving my unit and still they find ways to intrude (this blog)

WHY?

Please ~ someone take pity on me and help me get the fuck out of Ontario Housing.

Noone will rent to me because I'm too poor

Definitely having a pain day today. But I can't just stay in pj's as I have to walk Murphy across the street to his first vet appointment. So I have had to get up and shower regardless of pain. 

I heard through the grapevine (meaning it could be true or it could be nothing) that Mark feels bad about yelling at me and would like to apologize. Heres what I really think about this situation.

When Mark first moved here, I thought he was a nice guy. I actually didn't mind sitting in the gazebo chatting with him. It wasn't until Darren and I had our huge blow out a few years ago that he sided with Darren and turned into an asshole.

When I met Darren, I was bubbly and chatty and laughed all the time. A few years of hanging out with Darren ~ and I turned dark. Darren is anti-cops,... anti-government,.... just anarchy,... he has no problem telling a 93 year old woman to fuck off and actually thinks he is in the right doing it. (His neighbour beside him is 93 and he told her son to fuck off and that he doesn't care if he is bothering Denise with his constant raging,...) Over the few years I was with him, I turned dark and paranoid and hated people just because Darren did. He does it over time and very subtly. You just wake up one day and realize you are dark. Your thoughts are dark. You have turned against society and have become miserable. He does that to you without you even noticing. He sucks you in to all his hates and talks about them every single day so you get to believe you hate these people too. When infact, I hadn't even met the people he was always raging on about. (His past best friend and that guys family who took him in). He really does suck you in to his darkness.

And I think this has happened with Mark. I think when he is with Mark he just constantly complains about what I did to him. (and all I did was call the humane society on him for abusing his cat) sucking Mark into that drama. I think Darren complained so bad it got to Mark and he had to come out to the gazebo and rage on me. Blaming me for upsetting the precious Darren. I honestly believe that without Darren ~ Mark would be a nice guy. He WAS a nice guy. Until he chose to believe Darren. 

And from what I hear through the grapevine,... people have heard what he did to me and are turning against him. I know of 3 women who have said the exact same thing I am saying. he USED to be nice,... what happened? Darren Green happened. And since our blow up? He has turned all my gazebo friends against me.

But now?I don't give a shit. I dont' want anything to do with either one of those guys. They are now invisable to me and no longer exist. I almost feel bad for Mark as he has no idea what is happening to him. And he won't until Darren turns on him too. And that will happen becasue he can't control his anger. One day he will turn on Mark too. but it will be too late. He has already lost respect from a lot of the women in this building when they heard what he did to me. I didn't even tell anyone. So karma is in the works. I knew if I just retreated,... shut up,.... and stay inside it would all blow over. 

But even then ~ I will never step foot in that disgusting gazebo ever again. You can keep your drama. I'll stay safe inside.

As for Mark? I feel for him. Becasue he will come to his senses just like I did someday. but it will be too late. I will never accept his apology and I will never think of him as descent human being ever again. He screamed at me at the top of his lungs for 11 full minutes. I was scared.

But ~ enough of that. 

Back to moving. It looks like the only way I am going to secure an apartment or rental is to have a friend rent to me. Becasue as far as I am finding out ~ if your on ODSP? landlords wont' even call you back. And they definitely wont' rent to you.

So I am trapped again. I have tried so hard to claw my way out of the system but it keeps on finding ways to throw me back. And here I am back,... 

You know that Lily Allen song? "Everythings just wonderful" she sing:

Oh Jesus Christ almighty

Do I feel alright, no not slightly

I wanna get a flat, I know I can't afford it

It's just a bureaucrats who won't give me a mortgage

It's very funny 'cos I got your fucking money

And I'm never gonna get it, just because of my bad credit

Oh well I guess I musn't grumble

I suppose this is the way the cookie crumble

I keep singing that one line over and over again,... "It's very funny 'cos I got your fucking money and I'm never going to get it, just because of my bad credit"

Anyone who knows me - KNOWS I can stretch a penny like it's elastic. On my income tax for 2024 my total income was only $13,000. If I can live off of that,... I can live off of anything. And I can certainly afford their damn rentals. But because - on paper - I am poor and on ODSP - I will never be given an apartment.

So again,... i say my famous quote that lost me all my friends,...

"The middle class have it so much easier than we do down here"

I can afford your apartment ~ but noone will give me a chance and rent to me. I have been renting for nearly 20 years and have only ever missed ONE rental payment which I paid a few days late. I am responsible and a good tenant.

But noone will rent to me becasue I'm poor on ODSP.

I am going to be stuck in this horrible prison forever,....

I can't accept that,... I won't live here,...

Someone, somewhere can help me,... I just have to find that someone,...

Please let me move away from this prison

Dont tell me we don't have a housing crisis in Ontario!!!!! Your safe if your middle class,... but us down here get thrown away to rot,...

NO APARTMENT FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm deflating a little bit

I've had a slow start to today. I'm having a bad pain day. I knew it was coming after my marathon walk getting groceries yesterday. All that pushing my heavy walker. So I took some edibles before bed last night so I could sleep, but that has caused me to feel quite drowsy today. It's the reason I don't like edibles as they always leave me sluggish. So I have just had a pajama day today.

I took the opportunity to talk again with my friend Beth for more ideas. She threw out Kingston as an idea to move. I looked it up and I love it. I have been to Kingston before and loved it. So I got looking for apartments and there are cheaper ones I could afford. But my friend Beth reminded me of one problem I am going to have. As soon as renters see I am on ODSP they won't want to rent to me. Infact, I think she is right. I think I am going to have a very difficult time acquiring a rental with my budget. 

This is BLATANT discrimination of the poor. I am so poor I can't even secure an apartment. Even if I can afford it and pay rent every month. I won't get the unit.

I may not be able to move as noone will rent to me on ODSP.

This has made my heart sink a bit. But it hasn't discouraged me entirely. When I want something I will find a way to make it happen. If I have to pay them one years rent up front I will. (I will have help with this from someone if I have to) Anything to secure an apartment. I may have to do the basement apartment route which I really never wanted to do again. With my mental illness living with bright windows is important to my health. Dark basements leave me depressed.

What to do? 

Why do I never have the choices that others seem to have????

Because I'm poor and mentally ill,... that's why.

I'm deflating a bit knowing if I can't get out of this building I will suffocate and die.

I HAVE to get out of here,... there must be someone out there who has a granny flat or cabin or tiny house or something they can rent me,...

I'm starting to get that nagging feeling that there just isnt' a place for me on this planet.

Everyone just says no,...

Theres got to be someone out there who will give me a chance.

I can't stay in this building