It was Tonya all along,...

 

This is a personal letter to Tonya Halls who lives in my building and has been the bain of my existence the whole entire time I have lived here. Her out and out LIES have ruined my life. She actually GOT ME EVICTED by telling housing I was smoking in my unit over and over and over again until housing evicted me. I WASN'T EVEN SMOKING IN MY UNIT (It was the guy 2 doors down from me smoking tobacco which I dont even smoke!!! She knew it was Scott but didnt care.) But she LIED to housing as she know's they don't ask questions ~ just evict.

Firstly.  NOONE EVEN KNEW I HAD A CAT. How did a STRANGER (I dont know any natalie barber) know I was moving and leaving her?????? ONLY TONYA KNEW THAT!!! I never talked about Maggie and noone saw her. The only people that really knew I had her were people in this building ON MY FLOOR. Tonya Halls and Darren Green. But this message I got on facebook is not the work of Darren Green. He sicks his 6 foot 7 friends on you me when he is mad. No secret fake accounts for him - thats not darrens style. But Tonya has a very long HISTORY of stalking me on the internet with fake accounts. 

So I have no idea who Natalie Barber is and that is because she does not exist. It came from a FAKE profile. (which was removed immediately affter I called her on it) WHO ELSE is immature enough to have done this??? TONYA FUCKING HALLS - thats who. And NOW WE HAVE PROOF IT WAS HER!!!! I knew they would find something eventually. And they did.

 IT WAS HER!

Natalie Barber is Tonya Halls. We found your trail and your fake accounts tonya,.... you are the worst immature playground little girl I have ever met. 

I am NOT STUPID Tonya,... I learned that this is YOU. It has taken me MONTHS of the police working with me but we did it. But rest assured, apparently making fake accounts and sending fake messages isn't actually illegal unless you threatened me. But we do know it was you!!!!!!!!!!

The police may not be able to charge you with anything (yet ~ maybe they will find more they can charge you with as we are still investigating) but I can call you out to the world and let them know I was right all along. IT WAS YOU!

YOU NEED SOME SERIOUS MENTAL HEALTH HELP. Do you realize that you have stalked and lied and gossiped about me for well over 6 years now. (I just saw Kirk kissing Tammy at her work ~ and then I facetime Kirk and he is in Guelph working! LIAR you out and out lied to try and cause trouble) The first few years I was here you had  me fooled into thinking you were a friend. Wow, was I wrong. You just wanted another resource to get free stuff. You were a grifter. You got so much of my stuff before I even realized you were taking it. (mattress, bike, big stuff ~ not just little stuff)  All you did was ask to have stuff and I got tired of it so I made the decision to cut you out of my life. (Can you remember asking me to borrow my CAR?? My CAR???) And none of the stuff you 'borrowed' ever came back. Me making the decision to end your grifting pissed you off and you have been after me with your stupid little playgroud games ever since. YOU ARE NOTHING but an immature little girl. All becasue I hurt your feeling dumping you as a friend

I honestly think you are just JEALOUS of me for some reason. WHY else would you do all of this?? The police don't lie. We all know it was YOU!!!!!

I have never done a damn thing to you except try and help you. Yes, do you remember all the favours I did for you???  Driving you around,... helping with your sons resumes,.. For that I got years of your childish abuse. 

You are nothing but a lonely little girl who has to hurt other people to get attention. you need help.

We all know it was you now. I always did know I just couldn't prove it. NOW it has been proved. By the POLICE!

Back to the message that was designed to make me feel like I would hurt my cat,... (so psycologically damaging - nice touch)

You know for a FACT I take excellent care of my animals so this was a deliberate attempt to UPSET ME. 

This is why you need help, Deliberatly upsetting people is not normal and you have been doing it to me as a GAME YOU PLAY for years.

I will not come after you. I don't believe in revenge. But I DO believe in KARMA and yours is coming,... 

By the way,... in case anyone has any doubt,... my animals come first even before myself.

To date,...I have already spent over $2000 on vet bills for these 2 kittens and next week pay another $1500  for two operations to fix them and fix Murphys hernia. Does this sound like someone who would DUMP my pet????? Your a cunt Tonya,... I hate that word. HATE IT! But in your case,... it's the only word nasty and horrible enough to use on you. You are a CUNT!

Maybe I should phone the humane society on you and then you can start to see what it's like to be harrassed when you are doing NOTHING to that person. But I won't because I am rising above and being the better person even though the police are encouraging me to sue you personally for mental damages. But thats not me. I dont revenge.

Just learning I was right all along and to be able to tell the world I wasn't crazy - it was Tonya all along is good enough for me. This was not the only thing she did. I suffered a campaign of hate over 6 years and it really effected me. I hope you feel good about yourself. Hurting people for fun is entertaining for you. That is a flaw in your fundamental character.  You need help!!!!

So I can finally feel like my truth has been told. I have been telling housing for years she is lying but noone would listen. Now the truth is out.

Stay well away from me Tonya. I wnat nothing to do with you. Your dangerous. your head games and lies hurt people. But that was your intention all along,... to hurt people. 

Go look at yourself in the mirror Tonya,... take a good long look,.... do you  like what you see? Someone who hurts others so you can feel superior? do better,....

Getting things decided

For the first time in a very long time, my day went by rather quickly. I had some things I needed to get done today. I had a phone appointment with the crematorium. I am still floundering around trying to make decisions for my 'end of life' care. With no next-of-kin, it hasn't been easy to decide on some things.

I want to be cremated and then scattered in Meadowvale cemetery. But I don't want a funeral or any other bells and whistles. I got quotes from both places. But I can't decide. So the woman at the crematorium offered to call the cemetery and between the two of them, they can hopefully come up with a solution. So after talking with both of them today, I am now awaiting a reply. Both of these ladies have been really helpful. 

How sad that the only connection I have to anyone in this entire world, is to my twin boys born in 1989 and who sadly died a few days after their birth. There is a deep sadness that overtakes you when you know that you are so alone in the world and that there isn't even anyone to bury you.

I am also stressing about the will. I really don't want to use my cousin John as he barely knows me. And as I am learning, it can be some work to be an executer of someones will. I don't want to burden him with that. The woman at the crematorium gave me the name of a firm that has professional executers. You just hire one. So I have called that office and am awaiting a reply from them too.

All of this has been been much more detailed than I was expecting. It has also been much more upsetting than I had expected. To have to say out loud to another person that you have not one person in your life, kind of hits you hard. To hear the words "I have nobody" just reverberated around in my head. To FEEL the absolute lonliness of having nobody in your life is quite painful. And to have to say it out loud was embarrassing and degrading and made me feel so worthless. A waste.

But it's all in the works now. It had to be done. My mother and my grandmother before her both had noone to bury them either. My grandma Ida was interned in a 'paupers grave' in Toronto. I don't even KNOW where my Mom is. I didn't know her in life so I have no idea what happened to her in death, but she had noone either. The Holyoak womans curse,... we end up alone and we die alone and we get thrown away like trash when we do die,... I hope the curse stops with me and neither of my daughters ever have to feel the pain of such deeply ingrained lonliness and feelings of being so worthless. It really has broken me. 

But, enough of all that,... 

I have to be up early tomorrow as I have to take M & M to the vets for their pre-op appointment. They are both getting surgery to get fixed next Thursday. How I am going to keep these two kittens apart after their op is not going to be easy. They are so close and never apart. But, I am a firm believer in fixing your pets so it has to be done. I hope the weather is good as I have to walk them there on my walker. fingers crossed,...

And with this finally written, I think I will put the kettle on and make tea. I haven't watched the new episode of Gogglebox UK yet. I have been saving it for when I need a good laugh. And today is that day. 

end of life plans now being made

I decided to get some answers today on what do with ME once I am gone. I think I have solved where I want to be. I called the cemetary where my twin sons, Shawn and Ian are buried. They are in an infants section so I can't be buried with them. However, the woman did say there is a section nearby that I CAN be legally scattered. Only 2 sections away from the twins. This is an answer I could live with. 

So,... I have an appointment with Meadowvale cemetary in Brampton.

I also have my appointment to make my will on Dec 2nd. 

So hopefully by the new year I can die without stressing.

I didnt' really want to be buried in Brampton. I haven't lived there in over 20 years and have no ties there anymore. Not to mention it has grown into a city I no longer like. Way too big and busy and metropolis for me now. But to be laid to rest?? Why not? At least I will be close to someone. 

They are sending over all the information for me so I can set up the pre-payed plans I make. It will all be paid for so my daughters can't say they got 'stuck' dealing with me.

It was sad having to tell her there won't be any need for a funeral. Just a cremation and scattering. I figure if noone is around while i'm alive,... why would they want to pay their respects when i die??? 

PAY THE NOW FOR GODS SAKE while I'm still here!!!!!! But noone wants to be around me,... so no family or friends??? means no need for a funeral. Just cremate and scatter me near my sons and I will be happy with that. 

How sad at 62 all I can think about is death

If I can't find a place to live,....

I will be scattered on the ground by next spring

sad

sad

sad

Why won't anyone give me a chance?

All I need to survive is to get out of this apartment and Ontario Housing.

But society has gotten so expensive I can't afford rent.

But after being hit by a car, I acquired settlement money.  Not enought to buy a property,... just enough so that I had a stash in the bank so I could afford a better place to rent. I could draw on the settlement money to top up the cost of rent.

But noone will rent to me

Am I that worthless that noone will rent me a home?

I REFUSE to live in a place where I am constantly threatened with eviction. I REFUSE to live with bullies and liars and gossips that think it's ok to ruin your life and harrass you until your mental health can't take it anymore and your afraid to walk out your front door. I REFUSE to live without a doctor or health care. I REFUSE to live in poverty anymore. 

But most of all,... I REFUSE to live in Ontario Housing. Living here has turned me from a good, kind person who believed in God, into a miserable, person. How the hell can anyone believe in God having been forced to go through what I have been through. There can't possibly BE A GOD! Not a loving kind one anyway,.... Living in Ontario Housing has RUINED ME

ALL I NEED to survive from here on out is another place to live. 

But noone will rent to me!!!!!

I can't believe that my life has come to a cross roads where I either move into a new place and start fresh???? or I commit suicide because I refuse to suffer any longer,.... and STILL noone will rent to me.

I'm not asking for money,...

I'm not asking for anything but a chance,...

One fucking chance,.....

**** crickets *****

I can't believe that there isn't one place for me on this planet,... NOT ONE?????

Does anyone in Canada have a place to rent to me for under $1000. I HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY RENT. You will not be scammed. I know it's way below the market value. But I am clean and quiet and just want a place to live out the rest of my life without the bullies and gossips and threats of eviction from Ontario Housing. 

I'm not asking for a round trip around the world!!!

I'm just asking for a chance.

Wanted: Place to rent. But due to Canadas government destroying our economy I have been priced right out of living. I can afford only $1000 a month. 

I will move ANYWHERE IN CANADA that someone will give me a break. ANYWHERE, as I am that desperate.

If I can escape Ontario Housing,... I will NOT kill myself. But if I am forced to stay here,...

I am fucking gone,....

WHY won't anyone give me a chance?

           

Trolls,.... what has gone wrong in your life that you have to be so nasty?

For the first time in months I opened Facebook and no pop-up. (Are you ok?). I have been having trouble with a troll. Following me on every social media I have and making upsetting comments as well as telling Facebook I am suicidal everyday. Actively going on to my timeline and telling Faebook they are worried about me so that every time I opened up Facebook I got a pop-up asking if I needed help. It was infuriating. An anonamous person - faceless - was attacking me and I had no way to fight back.

But after I opened my page about a month ago and got 14 pop ups at once, I called the police. They have been looking into catching whoever this is. But apparently Facebook is hard to get answers from without legal warrents. We did learn the device they were coming from but couldn't get the person attached to that device. And of course this is not a big cases. So they don't have the manpower to track down a troll on Facebook and my blogs. So I have had to just put up with whoever it is. And they were relentless. They commented on all my inbox messaging nasty comments. They just made using any of my social media immpossible so I stopped using social media.

And it all died down. (fingers crossed it stays this way). I miss Facebook as it is the only portal I have to the outside world. So yesterday I tested it. I posted a fun, happy post to see if someone would tattle to facebook again (as they were with every single post I made). And this morning I opened Facebook to NOTHING!!! NO pop-up. I can't tell you the relief I felt. I know this doesn't mean they person has given up,... (although they should as the police haven't closed the case up). 

It really does make you wonder what is wrong with someone who attacks other people anonamously. Why do they intentionally PLAN to hurt you? It doesn't make sense to me. But whoever it is,.... I hope you get the help you need as you are obviously mentally ill and need to see what it is that is wrong with you that makes you deliberately HURT OTHER PEOPLE. 

I have decided that you can 'tattle' all you want to. It has no reflection on me and it only shows how SICK you are. I really do hope you get the help you need.

So I am going to try going on Facebook again. 

But really, I don't know why I even want to be on facebook. Noone wants to hear me whine and complain about living in poverty and being fed up with it. I know, as tons of "friends" have de-friended me over the past 5 years. Noone wants to have poverty thrown in their face every morning. When I was fun and happy - that was ok. But when I fell on hard times and posted about it - people didn't want to see that!!!! so they de-friend,.... shallow,... shallow,.... shallow,... but whatever. That is our society today. Turn your head so you don't have to see it,....

Maybe I just won't post. Just creep,... see how happy other people live,... I can't be one of them,... but I can torture myself by watching others have normal happy lives,....

I have tried to make a life for myself. But with Trolls and liars and bullies,... I have only been attacked. NOT a nice way to live.

What kind of world do we live in, where I can get all this money,... yet I STILL can't escape "the system"????? Why? Because the poor on ODSP are so hated and discriminated against - noone will even rent to me.

I have your fucking money - but you won't take a chance,...

So what do people expect me to do???? 

If noone will rent me a home???? How am I suppose to survive????

Not even going to fight anymore. At 62 I'm too fucking tired of the bullshit,....

And not one of you can say afterwards,.... "why,..." because this whole blog is one big suicide note of asking for help and being made to feel invisable and worthless and disposable.

THOUSANDS of people have read this,....

yet *** crickets ***

No help????? = SUICIDE

Canadian taxpayers fund $73 BILLION refugee empire

I was born in 1963 in Grace Hospital in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

I was raised in Bramalea, Ontario, Canada (now amalgamated with Brampton)

I have lived all across Ontario.

St. Thomas

Newmarket

Tottenham

Fergus

Malton

I am a law abidding citizen.

Yet,... I live in poverty with no doctor. 

I receive CPP ($851.00) and ODSP tops that up to $1408 a month. And that is ALL i make a month. $1408.00 ~ immpossible! 

I worked until I was 44 and then was forced to quit due to pain from fibromyalgia. But I worked through that pain for years until it was just too unbearable.

Yet,... immigrants are coming here and getting more,... LOTS more,...

What is Canada telling us? That if your an actual born and bred Canadian? You will get put to the BOTTOM. (Yes ODSp and OW are the two lowest paid benefits in Ontario) Just watch this video to see what immigrnats get while Canadians are turning to SUICIDE

It wasn't all in my head. Canada is fucking us,.... they really don't care about us here down on the bottom. 

THIS is why I am choosing to die

Welcome to your new Canada...

This post is going to be very different from any other post I have written. because I can't leave this earth without speaking my truth. And that truth is Ontario and Canada are decling so badly that people in the system are DYING. But noone sees or cares.

Over the past year while researching every possible way I can to excape poverty and the 'system' I discovered how badly Ontario is declining. 

And here is the problem. If you are middle class or above you won't see it like we do down here. And that is because for now,... you are not as effected as we are. The middle class are starting to see the rise in groceries and other 'smaller' things happening that are forcing everyday Canadians to struggle. Right now it's not so bad for the middle class. They are feeling the pinch, but they are not suffering. And because they are not suffering, they are not 'seeing' what is happening to our beloved Country of Canada.

It started with the people on the bottom. Me. People on OW (Ontario Works) and ODSP (Ontario Disability) have been thrown away and left to cope on their own when they dont' even have HALF of what they need. The benefit payout is so low people are choosing to DIE rather than suffer. And I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

I have been on the internet for days now trying to solve homelessness and poverty for myself. They say you dont' get ahead unless you try. And I have been trying for years now but just getting wack-a-moled every time I get my nose above the deep waters of oppresion. And what I have discovered is DISGUSTING.

Ontario and Canada have disolved a lot of the systems that were set up years ago to help the retired, the disabled and the poor. BUT WHERE HAVE THESE POLICIES AND SYSTEMS GONE???? They have been quietly and secretly removed and the general public is not aware. So now if your poor or disabled in Ontario ALL you have is OW and ODSP and the charity of others. THAT IS NOT ENOUGH and we are struggling,... no,.... SUFFERING.

Now here is where I am going to be hated. I have discovered where a lot of the governemtn money is going and it's IMMIGRANTS. I am not racist. I have coloured people in my family. I am a christian that believes every soul is precios no matter the colour of your skin or where you live. So it's not the colour of the skin of these folks ~ it's the blatant THEFT of them getting OUR money to survive. THEY are claiming our ODSP and OW and that leaves not enough for the CANADIAN born and bred left over. So immigrants are taking the same benefits we need and draining the benefit.

THEN,... I see that immigrants are running all the government offices in Canada. Infact I had a IMMIGRANT tell me I was not getting the Canadian Disability benefit (due to one photo copy I couldnt' get). It is an immigrant that decided if I get a benefit or not. 

It's not even the immigrants I'm upset with. Honestly? They are just people like you and me trying to better their lives. THEY too, deserve a good life. The problem is CANADA IS FULL!!!!!! Our government has got to crack down on giving away PRECIOUS benefits to immigrants when born and raised here in Canada folk are being told NO -you can't get that benefit.

I have lived the past 5 years or so under the regime of Ontario Housing and ODSP. I have been threatened with eviction on NUMEROUS occasions over LITTLE things that could have been resolved if they just picked up the phone and TALKED to me, rather than just their go to, which is PUNISH THEM!! They did bad? They get an threat of eviciton. We dont care what you did or even if you really did it,... we have to keep you 'animals' in line. And to do that, we threaten to kick you out on to the street (and in my case 2 weeks before Christmas!!) and they dont' even bat an eye or feel bad. It's their JOB!!!!!! Leaving us to feel like we dont' even belong in our own country and if we dont behave we will be living under a bridge.

Yet,... look up "Immigration fatigue in Canada" and with all the bad behaviour (although to be fair,... bad behaviour is never limited to the colour of people's skin, sadly it's a universaly theme) - infact ILLEGAL disgusting behaviour of immigrants has been flooding the internet. But Canada is too afraid to punish them so they run wild. (I am deadly serious - the stuff immigrants get away with is immoral and disgusting) BUT THEY DONT' GET THREATENED WITH EVICITON OR HAVE THEIR BENEFIT TAKEN AWAY!!!! They all get away with it as Canada is afraid of them. It is proven over and over again on cop videos where RCMP and cops SIDE WITH THE IMMIGRANT even when they are blatantly in the wrong. In one case, A vancouver woman was charged trying to protect herself against immigrant men harrassing her. SHE lost her cool and used a racial slur and got charged while the men walked away free. And this is happening ALL OVER CANADA. Please, I encourage you to look all of this up. I didn't believe it. I thought Canada was a great country and noone would treat their own citizens badly. But it's TRUE. PLEASE look it up!!!!

So I sit here today,... suicidal. Becasue I can't get out of the system. Even with my settlement money of $*******.** I STILL can't escape the system. Thats ridiculous!!! But because I am POOR on ODSP - I am discriminated against as most folk on ODSP can't afford to pay their rent so landlords won't rent to us. And in my case,... even with this money in my bank account - NOONE WILL RENT TO ME. 

This tells me that the only escape for me is to BUY property. But I dont' have enough to BUY. Only to rent. Even with money in the bank I am seen as poor, so noone will rent to me. It makes me feel invisable.

But back to the decline of Ontario. Our benefits and systems have disappeared. Right now we are imploding. Grocery prices rising,... no affordable housing,... people having to work 2 jobs just to pay a mortgage. No doctors,... There is no 'dream' here in Canada anymore. Our government has ruined us and we are immploding. 

As a person who grew up in the sixties and seventies, my father had a 40 hour a week job. He owned his own home. My mother was able to stay home with us kids. We went on a few vacations a year. We were very middle class comfy. 

Noone has THAT anymore in Canada,....

I have been researching how to escape 'the system' for years now. And I have learned a horrible hard truth. There is no escaping as Canada has drained all of the resources the poor and disabled relied on. They are gone. 

People on ODSP get $1408 a month. Although OW is decided by your situation, anyone on it will tell you THEY CANNOT FEED THEIR CHILDREN OR KEEP A ROOF OVER THEIR FAMILIES HEADS. I encourage you to go and watch YouTube or TikToks on this. Normal folk on ODSP and OW fed up and suffering and panicing as they have no way to survive.

Where are the affordable homes? Where are our benefits? Why are we paying taxes on top of taxes? Why are there no doctors? From what I have heard from financial podcasts I listen to, the answer is this,...

Canada is running out of money. Our government over the past 20 years has SQUANDERED it!!

But here is where I am angry. Even though us 'poor' have been suffering for years,... we have been ignored. The basic attitude from society here is "Just shut up and be grateful for what you do get". And go be out of sight. Noone wants to see the homeless.

My prediction is,... that there will NEVER be change until the rich and middle class are effected as well. AND THAT DAY IS CLOSER THAN THEY THINK.

But the sad part is, by the time the rest of Canada wakes up???? It will be too late. Most of us poor will have succomed to the grouling lifestyle or commit suicide to avoid homelessness. For us,... life was lost years ago. The middle class and rich just turned their heads away so they wouldn't have to see it. (Don't believe it? Try being homeless. "Move along you can't stay here,...") Us down here? We didn't get that option. We were forced to live it. We can't turn our heads away.

I wonder if the middle class - forced to suffer through the decline of Canada - will finally admit they threw the poor away and left us to rot on our own. Not only that,... you made it so difficult for us with all your rules and regulations and applications and re-newals every year (just to humiliatingly prove you are suffering,...)

I find this inhumane and more to the point - unnecessary.

So when I commit suicide Canada,... this is why. But will you care? No. Infact thats one less benefit you have to pay,...

In Canada, if your are poor or disabled you WILL NOT SURVIVE.

If you live on OW or ODSP you are miserable just struggling to survive ~ if your surviving at all.

My choices here are suffer or die. And right now life is so miserable I am choosing DEATH.

Our premier of Ontario was caught saying: They are just "healthy younger ppl sitting on the couch watching the Flintstones" 

Does this sound like a man who is taking care of it's vulnerable??? NO,... infact he is saying we aren't disabled at all - just faking. This is not a leader. 

Wake up Canada!!!!!! Your country is falling apart and you can't even see it.

I'm not sticking around to be poor and homeless and invisable,...

FUCK THAT

Once my will is complete I am out of here!!!!!!!

Canada is NOT the country I grew up in

Sunday is the day I live vicariously through others

I do nothing but watch tv all day long. For the most part, it is boring as I have seen everything multiple times. But there are still a couple of things I do enjoy a lot and that is Sunday morning of YouTube. This is the day that the 3 vloggers I follow drop their weekly videos. And they are all "off-grid" living off of nature videos.

I hate the city now. I am stuck deep in "the system" and can't get out even though I have tried numerous times. But every time I just get thrown back down here as if the world thinks this is the only place I belong.

So I dream of a life I can't have. I love nature,... I love the forest and water. If money was no object I would live in the woods. In a cabin with my cats and maybe a dog. But whereever it ended up being - there would be no people. Just me and my animals enjoying life.

No trolls,... gossips,... liars,... no bullies or "the system". Instead FREEDOM.

But that life isn't available to me. So instead I live vicariously through these 3 vloggers. 

"Skoot Outdoors" https://www.youtube.com/@skoteoutdoors

"Jay Legere" https://www.youtube.com/@jaylegere

"Sailing Supernova" https://www.youtube.com/@sailing.supernova

It's my weekly escape from a world I hate. Trapped so deep in the system I can't get out. These vloggers are living the life I WANT to live but can't. 

There is nothing sadder than being displaced in life. I don't belong here. NOONE belongs in the system. Yet, here I am. Stuck,... miserable,... 

I made some final decisions yesterday. WHO my money will go to. I am not disclosing it on here but suffice to say NOONE in my family will ever see a dime. Infact, I will be asking the lawyer if he can put a thing in the will that basically makes my children no longer my LEGAL next of kin. I dont' know if it's legal to denounce your next of kin but I am. I needed my girls the past few years but they choose to ignore me and call me too mental to be in their lives. Thats their decision and I cann't change it. But I can do something about it when it comes to my death. 

YOU DIDN'T WANT ME IN LIFE ~ YOU DONT GET MY MONEY AFTER MY DEATH.

This is my daughters choice. THEY made the decision to not have me in their life. So I am just taking it one step furthur and getting in in legal terms. LEGALLY CUTTING TIES WITH MY CHILDREN.

THAT is how much they have hurt me. 

So I have divided my money into several payouts being given to all the people who helped me when I was homeless. When my own family saw my struggle but choose to judge me and tell me to stay the fuck out of Ontario, I was quietly taking stock of who WAS helping me. And THEY are getting my money.

I don't know how lawyers and wills work. Once I die, who distributes the money? Does the lawyer do that? Or is that why we need an executor? Because I really don't have anyone to ask to be an executor. I am not close to anyone. I literally have NOONE in my life. I guess I will find out all the answers when I have my appointment on December 2nd. 

But until then I have to get up every morning. I don't want to but I have to. I cannot leave this earth until my will is legal so I can be assured that my children get NOTHING.

How sad. How very, very sad. That my life is so miserable I literally can't wait to die,.... very, very sad.

A Week Off-Grid on an Island – Building, Cooking & a Birthday Surprise

Completely dead inside

I just cannot get warm today.I have turned up the heat but what I have learned from living in this unit for 9 years, is that no matter how high you turn up the thermostat, the room never gets warmer than 22*. So I had to buy a heater and right now I have that plugged in while I sit here, shivering. 

I have closed down. I feel nothing inside anymore but deadness. I don't even get out of bed for most of the day now. I get up, feed the cats and have coffee. But more often than not, I am so depressed I just crawl back into bed and watch tv for the day in bed. Nothing interests me anymore.

I don't want to see or talk to anyone anymore. Knowing you are not liked changes how you interact with the world. And the horrible realization that I am worthless has completely changed my outlook. I no longer want to interact with anyone. I can't. I will only be thinking "they are just being polite. But really they hate me." and pity is even worse than being hated.

I don't even want to celebrate Christmas with anyone anymore. Up until a few weeks ago, I would have given my life to spend Christmas with my daughters. But now? Now that I know I am a hated person,... I don't want to be around anyone at Christmas. I will only say or do the wrong thing and upset someone. Better to just remain alone.

I am so upset with my girls that I think even if they DID reach out,... my heart is too empty and dead now to care. It's too late. I have been alone and unloved for so long I don't think my heart knows HOW to feel anymore. 

I have been stressed trying to find a person to be my executer in my will. But there is noone who is even close to me to do it. John has agreed to be the person the crematorium will call to pick up my remains, but I haven't chosen an executor as I have noone. Do I need an executor for a will? 

For my money? I have decided to will it to Toronto's "Hospital For Sick Children". My children don't deserve it. So let a helpless sick child have it. This hospital is the one the twins were air-lifted to. They were amazing. Air-lifted by helicoptor and treated in ICU and I didn't recevie ONE BILL! They took care of my babies for me when i couldn't be there. (I was at Bramptons hospital recouperating from surgery). I even got cards from the nurses telling me about my wee boys while they were still alive. THESE people deserve my money. NOT my family. THEY choose to believe I was a horrible person they just coulnd't have in their life so FUCK THEM. My daughters get NOTHING.

I am willing off my apartment contents to the people who helped me when i got back from BC. The ones who got me a bed and table. THEY deserve my money. Not 2 children who think I'm a monster.

I cannot tell you just how devastating it is to learn you are a disposable being. Very painful,...

But if you can be homeless in July and Ontario Housing can still threaten you with homelessness AGAIN less than 3 months later???? You are disposable,...

Worthless to society,...

If they can threaten you with your home,... and get away with it??? Then thats a society I don't want ot be a part of. To scare me into thinking I was going to have to be homeless all over again?????

 CRUEL.

That threat just told me I was worthless and noone cared what would happen to me.

Disposable

Worthless

Unloved

Alone

If I wasn't these things,... I wouldn't be suffering,... but I am suffering. So I am these things,... 

So fuck you world ~ you can't keep me here forcing me to live your fucking poverty and homelessness. Threatening me because I was so frustrated at being ignored I "threw a fob",...

I don't even know if I can wait long enough to make a will,...

I just can't stand breathing right now

I'm just in so much pain

Christmas in my mind

If I could,...  I would pack up Murphy and Molly and go away for Christmas. This apartment holds such bad memories. I long to get out of here. If transportation was not a problem I would drive up north and rent a cabin on a lake. It would have a lovely large deck on the front with a big picture window. It's quite rustic. But thats how I like it.

I would sit infront of the fire with the kittens curled up on my lap. There isn't any internet so far north so I spend my time reading. Or writing. Music plays softly in the background. Christmas carols. There would be no tree with 2 kittens. But there would be a couple of presents. Cat toys for M & M. Not much. Christmas isn't about gifts.

I would walk onto the deck while the snow fell around me. Big white fluffy flakes. A coffee in my hand I would just stand there and smile. Nature,... Peace,... things I don't get anymore. I wouldn't need anyone with me. Just the kittens. People make me anxious and nervous now.

My body is so dead inside right now. It desperately needs rejuvinating. I need change,... I need to get away from this apartment,.. I need peace. 

But I don't have a car. So instead I will sit here pretending it's just another Friday. 

They have until December 1st

My daughters have until

December 2nd

to extend an olive branch.

If I dont hear from them

I will be walking out

Legally,...

In a legal will

Forever

**************************

How sad

I have never been a materialistic person. "Things" don't mean a lot to me. I have never been able to buy luxury products in the past just because of my budget. But I think even if I had all the money in the world, expensive things don't excite me. I am a practical girl. If I need a product and it is available in 5 or 6 different prices (due to quality), I would be the one buying mid-range. Good enough it won't break right away but I didn't need all the bells and whistles. 

When I came back from BC, I had nothing. Which wasn't nice but it did teach me the lesson that I didn't NEED most of it. When I started to 're-buy' everything that I lost, I did most of it through Amazon and Walmart. I don't have a car or any way to go shopping so I rely on delivery for almost everything I buy.

But this time around I didn't go mid-range. I went cheap. At my age, I didn't see the point in accumulating a lot of expensive stuff as I have noone to will it to in my death. So I decided to stick with just the basic needs. Just get what I can't live without at the cheapest price I could find. Luckily for me, I got a ton of it on Amazon Prime day so I was able to get huge deals. And now I am set. I have all that I want.

I am not a greedy person. I live without most stuff others think are a necessity. Material objects just don't hold any value to me. I wear no jewellery except 2 stud earings. To me, gold and jewellery itself is a big waste of money. Instead of a diamond necklace, I would rather go to a football game. I don't buy into fashion. Almost everything I own is football related. I couldn't even tell you what is IN fashion right now as I just don't care.

When I got my small settlement money I was able to get my apartment back. And for the first time in my entire life I was able to buy new electronics (devices). Over the past years I have always had old devices. When everyone else had an Iphone 16,... I had an Iphone 13. I didn't need new ones if the old ones worked the same. So in the past 3 months I have replaced all of my devices. A new phone, laptop, 2 tv's with soundbars,... things I could never have got before the settlement money. So now I am up to date on all of my electronics. But it hasn't made me happy. It has allowed me to have useful and up to date products which makes my life a tiny bit easier, but my life hasn't changed. I am still alone and bored all day.

So even with all these new things I have got over the past 3 months,... none of this stuff has made me happy. I just look at it all as 'stuff.'

What I WANT is experiences,.... (travelling, football games, concerts,...) and those I can't have. Instead I am alone with no transportation. So I am stuck inside my apartment all damn day long,... and no amount of expensive stuff can change the fact that I am bored out of my mind and dying inside. 

I have an appointment with the lawyer for my will on December 2nd. I wanted something sooner but I guess these places are busy. This throws all my plans out the window. The will is going to take a while to get drawn up and finalized and it will be later than the date I had choosen to die. But I can't die without a will. So now I am having to wait. And this means yet another Christmas alone,... another year sitting alone knowing my granddaughter is squealing with delight opening her presents from Santa. Another year of feeling unwanted and unloved.

*** sigh *** why does nothing go right for me??? 

So now I am forced to hang on,... dead inside.

This is torture,.... I really do just want to die now.

I can't even donate my organs

I wake up early now. You can't sleep in with 2 kittens nibbling your face for their breakfast. Which is usually just after 5. Today I woke up empty. Just completely covered in the black fog. I can't feel anymore. My heart is broken but my body is numb. I am so sad I can't even feel anymore.

I wish,...

I wish I could arrange to end my life so that I could donate my organs. I could if I went through MAiDs. But that doesn't look too promising right now. With no doctor they won't even start the process. Yet another thing I lose out on because I dont' have a doctor. My life has been such a waste. It would be nice to at least do some good in my death. But this society has made it so that can never happen. All my organs will be cremated with me. All because I don't have a doctor.

Instead I will have to do it my way. Terrified and alone. And by the time I am found it will be too late for organ donation. I failed at that too,... 

I called our MP's office about how Housing uses eviction threats and it's not right but so far they haven't even called me back. I was probobly written off as 'just another ODSP or OW welfare case complaining,..." I have never been taken seriously. Once they see you are mentally ill, everything that comes out of your mouth can't possibly be true. She's just having a crisis or something. I am so used to it I don't even expect people to see me any different anymore. It's why i have given up asking for help now. If you knew how many people did me wrong over my life but turned around and blamed me and my mental illness you would be disgusted. But it happens all the time. Once mentally ill,... nothing you say is ever taken seriously again. 

And this is the case with MAiDs. I have been wanting to die through MAiDS for 5 years now. But no one took me seriously. "Oh she's just a drama queen wanting attention" or "I'm sick of hearing you say you want to die - but you'll never do it. Your just wanting attention".

But here is the TRUTH. I have been struggling and suffering for a long time. And I have had enough. The pain is unbearable most days but i get no relief. I have to fight life with a brain different than everyone else and they hate me for it. Life is just not good for me. It hasn't been for a very long time.

If I had a family that I was with all the time things would be 100% different. But my family doesn't want to be with me. So why live on struggling in physical pain if theres no pay out?? 

I am serious and I always have been. But noone - I don't even think the doctors themselves - took me seriously.

So I guess I will have to go another route. But make no mistake, I wanted,... and asked for,... but was refused MAiDS. 

And now,... I can't donate my organs. The one last thing that I really wanted to do so my life wasn't such a waste.

I refuse to spend one more holiday alone.

And if MAiDs won't help me? And I can't get a doctor? Then you can't blame me for doing it my way. NOONE wants it done my way ~ NOT EVEN ME ~ but this world has forced it,....

How sad 

Lashing out at good people now I am so broken

 I feel bad about something. It's not that big of a deal but it has been bothering me ever since I said it.

I texted my cousin John to see if he would agree to be my 'next of kin' for me and take care of my last wishes. Which really,... he doesn't even know me. So for him to agree was very nice of him. But I can't help feeling that he is doing it because I have asked him, not because he wants to. An obligation as my only other family rather than because we were close. Sadly, it turns out, I wasn't close to anyone. I thought I was,... but when the ground gave way beneath me and I was in trouble, those friends and family I thought I had were silent. That was the biggest wake-up call to me I have ever had in my life. It was life changing and not in a good way. It devastated me. It made me realize my whole life has been a lie. I thought people cared about me and loved me. But I have since been told no,... that isn't true. They all 'put up' with me because they had to. Very bitter pill to swallow.

And since then, my character has changed. If noone likes me anyway,... then I can say what I like as I won't make them mad and leave. They are all already gone,... now I tell the raw and bitter truth. I resent my family for not reaching out when I was in so much need of support. That not only left me hanging having to figure everything out on my own, but it changed my relationship with my whole family completely. I no longer WANTED them back in  my life. All those years of spending holidays alone while they all got together and enjoyed them has left me bitter. All those Christmas's and Thanksgivings sat alone while they all laughed and made memories I can never have made me sad,... resentful,... bitter,... hurt,... it just changed me,....

And now I just don't care. After that eviction notice (I mean THREAT) I completely changed my outlook on  life. I woke up the next morning and I had basically lost my faith in humanity. That eviction threat (which remember I thought was 100% real as they intended) was a slap in the face of just how little anyone cared. I had just been homeless 3 months earlier,... yet they still upset me with this letter. There was NO NEED for that,... no need at all. But it ended up being my 'last straw'.

My life is over now. I am working to tie up loose ends. I just can't bare to breath anymore. Too painful,...

But I do feel bad about John. I do feel hurt that he didn't come and see me when i got home from BC. I REALLY needed a friendly face and a hug. I thought if anyone would,... it would have been him. But he didn't. He is a busy guy with a family and has a busy life. WHY would i think he would want me in it? But after 3 months and no visit my heart sank. I knew he wasn't obligated to. (he really wasn't) but in my heart that was my last hope of family. 

So in a text exchange with him he said he loved me and without blinking an eye or even thinking about it,... I texted back "You have a funny way of showing it, but ok" which is the reflection of the hurt of him not reaching out as I really, really needed someone the past 3 months. I don't think I was talking about just him. I think that I just had this over-whelming 'hurt' of how everyone stayed away and ignored me when I needed support. But my cousin John had no obligation to help or support me. That was ME just being hurt by everyone but he was the one who said I love you. And right now I feel like the most UN-loved person in the world. So when he said I love you,...  I almost gawfed,... really? Then where were you? I think I was REALLY talking to my daughters,... not him. But unfortunately in my broken hearted mind I took it out on him. So I feel bad about that. At least he is helping now. Which is more than my daughters are doing,...

Hurt and broken hearts act out in anger. 

And my heart is completely broken.

 Finding meaning in a 

system built to fracture you

is just

too

hard

throw me in the trash where I belong

I have never been more determined than ever to die. I am done!!!!!

I had to go cap in hand to a cousin I barely know to ask him to bury me. What does that tell you? I didn't want to as I haven't even seen this cousin in a few years. I'm not upset with him,... I just don't know him. So for me to have to ask him to do my final preperations shows how alone and unwanted and unloved I am.

I called a lawyer to make a will and I am waiting for that reply.

Once I have talked to them, I will know what has to be done after that in the area of burial. I now have a name to give to the crematorium so I can pay for this damn cremation and get it over with.

And then - they can throw me in the trash where I belong

We're not human beings,... we're THINGS to be kept in line

It's definitely a November day today. It's cold and gray. A low cloud hangs down over everything leaving it wet. I think a storm is rolling in. We may see snow early this year. 

I am NOT evicted. It was all a scare mongering threat. The 'official' eviction notice I received (under my door) is NOT actually an eviction notice. I read the whole first page and I sure do wish I could show you a copy of it but I would definitely get sued by Ontario Housing so i can't. But it was 2 pages long. The first page looks EXACTLY like an eviction notice. It even says

"I am giving you this notice becasue I want to end your tenancy - I want you to move out of you rental unit by the following termination date" and in a very legal looking box it has the date of December 15th 2025. Underneath it just goes into detail why. I stopped reading after this first page as I was SHOCKED and TRIGGERED. 

Now here is the very serious side of BPD. (Borderline Personality Disorder) one of my mental illnesses (also OCD and depression and anxiety). But people with BPD cannot regulate their emotions and often their emotion is over amplified. Indeed I have struggled with this all my life. I cannot handle conflict. I will be so patient about a situation for a long time. But then, if it doesn't get resolved I spiral and lose control. 

Remember,.... I HAVE NO DOCTOR  and therefore I am UNMEDICATED. This mental illness is HELL to live with. I mean here I am at 62 alone because I am a "monster" to my family. I don't know how to exactly or accuratly describe BPD as it's one of the most complicated mental illnesses there are. It usually stems from trauma and in my case that was my first year of life. We have difficulty interacting with people,... I have a terrible problem with emotions. Becasue of our trauma,... we perceive every situation differently than others. A therapist once described it as "most people go from A to B during a crisis but when people with BPD or truama have a situation we go A to C and skip B which is the reasoning. Our minds perceive situations differently so we react differently. It's so much more complicated than this but this gives you an idea of why I struggle so much.

But the most serious problem with people like me is we are too immpulsive when we are triggered. We don't go to B,... we panic and right away go to C. which is in my life - is suicide. I don't have the tools that others have to process the situation properly. I right away perceive a threat and panic. And when I panic it is deathly serious as I often try to end my life.

And this is what happened this week. After days of trying to contact housing with no response I blew. And when I saw "You have to be out of your unit by December 15th 2025 (which by the way is 2 weeks before CHRISTMAS!!!) I paniced and then spiralled and seriously wanted to kill myself.

I have jsut lived through the trauma of being homeless just a few months ago. I have not had therapy to help deal with it after being robbed (terrifying!) I have had no help at all mentally. I just had to deal. And I am still terrified of being homeless again.

So when I saw this letter saying I had to be out by december 15th I paniced and the first thing I wanted to do was die. I seriously contemplated calling a taxi and going to Elora and jumping into the gorge.

This woman who started this eviction THREAT,.... KNOWS what I just went through in BC. Yet she still thought it was ok to threaten me with homelessness ~ 2 weeks before Christmas!!! In her mind,...her normal healthy UN-meantally ill mind was a harmless (although very cruel) thing to do. But to us mentally ill with BPD - I nearly ended my life getting this letter.

How would anyone feel after just re-establishing themselves with a home again only to have it ripped out from underneath you AGAIN????

This scare-mongering has got to stop. SOMEONE is going to die from SUICIDE becasue of the trigger. I came This--close to dying yesterday. I got all ready and stopped short of calling the taxi.

I have had enough of living with my houisng being held like a carrot dangling infront of me. Tjhrow a fob??? You are homeless,..... Misbehave in anyway,..... you are homeless,....

A person does not feel a lot of worth knowing they could be homeless in a month. Stability is one of the most important things I need being mentally ill yet I never have. I NEVER know if I will have my housing from one month to the next. It is such an unsettling and cruel way to survive. 

I am so angry at Ontario Housing for their out and out FEAR MONGERING to keep people in line. I should not have to worry that I will become homeless becasue my mental illness caused me to have a triggered spiral,.... and I misbehaved,.... I shouldn't have to worry that I could lose my HOME!!!!

So I continue to plan my death. I refuse to live under this oppresion. Behave or you lose your home,..... thats a lot of pressure for someone with mental illness who struggles with my emotions. 

So I won't. They think they have just SCARED me into submission. They don't think twice after sending out these letters as its JUST THEIR JOB. But I plan on ending my life becasue I'm sick of living so precariously.

I'm too old to be homeless and too mentally ill to be threatened with it every time I act out. I threw a fob,.... I was ignored by housing for 3 days leaving me to mop up a flood myself over a 3 day period - but instead of an apology why I was left to it???? I got threatened with evicition.

THIS IS NOT A WAY TO LIVE

So I called my cousin John and I asked if i could use him in my will and for my cremation. He agreed. So now,... I continue on with my plans to die.

You can't threaten people with their housing (Ontario Housing) and their income (ODSP) and not expect us to have feelings about it. Buit if we do,... we are punished and we lose our benefit.

Not going to live like this anymore.

If I'm such a disposable monster then you'll all just be glad when I'm dead won't you?????

You can't treat people like nobodies and then not expect them to kill themselves,..... we are people,... HUMAN BEINGS with hearts and souls just like everybody else. But we are not allowed to be treated with respect or dignity becasue we are poor and no longer useful to society so just throw them away and treat them like they are prisoners. You misbehave???? YOU LOSE YOUR HOME!!!!!

Roll on November **th,.... I can't wait to excape this hypocrisy.

Ontairo Housing and ODSP employees have far too much power for their own good. I dont' even think they realize how much power they have over us. But I do know,.... they dont' care and abuse it,....

THAT was the last straw. I will now be dead by Christmas and I can't fucking wait,....

Have a merry Chirstmas ***** at Ontario Housing,... as YOU can never have YOUR home taken away,... but YOU can take away mine. Oh wait,... you weren't really going to,....You were just trying to scare me - NOT FUCKING COOL!!! Have a nice fucking Christmas!!!

I have officailly been evicted

 I have been evicted

I have to be out by December 15th 2025

Fuck this world 

I'm done

NOT going to be homeless ever again,.... I would rather be DEAD!!!!!!!

I hope to be dead by Christmas

 SOMEONE CARED!!!!!!!!

After receiving that letter saying I am going to be evicted (or taking me to the board for a tribunal or whatever) I gave up. Everyone has a limit. And I have reached mine. 

I re-read the letter carefully. And I realize (after looking it up) that legally they cannot evict me for throwing a fob and using a swear word. So this letter is a BLATANT attempt to scare me into thinking I am being evicted when they don't even have legal recourse to do so. THAT IS NOT RIGHT.

I couldn't sleep all night. So I got up this morning and I called our local MP here in Wellington County and I left a message telling him what happened and why. But the whole jist of my call was to tell him that I think it's horrible that Ontario Housing can get away with scare mongering. With using peoples housing as leverage for their behaviour. Behave or you will be thrown out!!!!!!!!

I get my behaviour was wrong. And indeed I am NOT proud of what  I did. But it was the accumualtion of months of frustration. It just happened,... but to be evicted for it is just using scare tactics to keep us in line. How about a phone call to see why I behaved the way I did????? Why not that???? instead of automatic eviction?????

How would that governemnt employee feel if she had an argument with a co-worker or her husband and had her home taken away from her because of it. She would be OUTRAGED wouldn't she???? But here she is threatening me with my housing. It's not right and something needs to be done to stop the GOD-like behaviour of Ontario Housing.

A glimmer of good news came out of this,... I thought I was completely alone in all of this. But I found a copy of an email in my mail slot outside my door,... my neighbour was so upset when she read the letter I received after throwing a fob. She wrote housing herself to let them know she thinks its unfair how they are treating me. And not only me,... but others in this building who are in similar situations. Frustrated and scared into hiding inside their units - just like me. One woman instead of 'acting out' like I did, has just become so depressed we are very worried about her. But housing doesn't see THIS,.... they only see me throw a fob.... and because of that "YOU NEED TO BE EVICTED!!!!"

Here is a fraction of what she wrote: 

"...Two men have banned a woman tenant from being in the gazebo. Since I don't smoke, the situation does not bother me, but as I explained to you recently, my sense of right and wrong is offended. The woman is being evicted because she is "disturbing" people. She is reacting exactly opposite to my friend ********, who withdrew into depression. jacquie is hitting out in frustration,..."

THANK YOU!!!!! This is the first time someone has come forward and said they SEE the situation,.... they know it's wrong,... and they did something about it,... THIS is all I have been asking for all along. Just fairness,.... Thank you,... thank you,... thank you,...

I did wrong. Absolutely I behaved in a terrible manner. I own that. I apologize. It really isnt' me,.... but this system has beat me down so badly I dont' even see a reaason to live anymore. It's just too hard!!!!! Wondering how long I will actually get to live here.

But yet,... I am such a monster I need to be evicted,....

THIS is what it is like 'living down here' in poverty. You are a number and you are disposable at the stroke of a pen on a government employees desk,.... you throw a fob?? Your evicted!!!!!

That is a lot of power. And I'm tired of them abusing it.

I wrote to OHIP and told them of my wish to got through MAIDS but I dont have a doctor. I asked if they could help me get one just to go through MAIDS. I sent that yesterday and am now awaiting their reply.

I do not wish to live anymore. 

This world has changed and it is no l onger kind or fair.

I'm done living under others,... if I can't be free,... then I dont' want to exist at all,.. I am not living with the threat of eviciton all the time,....

So I won't,...

I plan to be dead by Christmas.

Was the threatening eviction letter worth it housing????? or do you even care what you do to people? As long as you do your job,... right?????? to hell with the consequences of scaring people into thinking they are being evicted,.... INHUMANE!!!

fuck you all I"M done

I didn't think life could get any worse but I was wrong. Yesterday, I was told I am being evicted.

Now, I am mentally ill. I am unmedicated mentally ill. I have BPD which is a very difficult disorder to live with. I don't understand social cues and relationships. But one of the most difficult things I have to cope with having BPD is the constant threat of eviction. I have OCD as well which means I NEED to be stable, and KNOW that I have a place to live all the time. When this is threatened I spiral,... I can't cope with this kind of threat.

Everything started last week when everything went wrong. My water tank broke and leaked and I got flooded. Housing left me to it and expected me to empty the pail of water that was leaking every 2 hours or else it would have over-flowed. This may sound like it's not a big deal but with my physical limitations it was a HUGE deal and I couldn't cope. I couldn't lift that bucket so had to hand bomb jugs of it out. It took forever and it HURT me physically. By the third night of having to set my alarm for every 2 hours just so I could get up and empty this damn pail I was now mad. 

My litter boxes and everything from that room were in the middle of my living room. The storage room was locked and I couldn't get into it to put this stuff away. I had to call housing 3 times to get this resolved. And until they did,... I had to live with everything in my livingroom when I have two kittens!! It was not fun. I was angry becasue housing just expected ME to take care of it. It leaked - profusely - not just a few drops. It was filling the bucket evdery two hours there was so much water. In the end it damaged the floor tiles but with the threat of eviction I got I am not even letting them know the floor got ruined. If I tell them they will probobly send me a bill.

My automatic door opener fob is broken. I would push that button 30 times but my door would not open. When you have a walker this is frustrating as to open it now I have to get infront of my walker and open this big heavy metal fire door and drag my walker through while trying to hold the door open. It's awkward. It defeats the purpose of having an automatic door opener if it never works. I wrote out 3 maintenance forms but GOT NO REPLY! 

There are 3 or 4 other things that need fixing and I'm being ignored. So the other day I lost it. I am human and I had reached my limit of coping and I lost it. I was doing laundry and had my hamper on top of my walker and was clicking this fob trying to get my apartment door open. NOTHING. DEAD.

Now I know I was in the wrong - definitely. But I have been under so much stress the past few months and no help. I have been harrassed,... I have been ignored by my benefit groups who then turned around and stopped my benefit becasue they didn't hear from me. Stupid. How can you hear from me if you NEVER answer your phone or call back? 

So by the day of the "fob" incident,... I was spiralling. Noone was answering me for anything,.... ODSP has me under review trying to take away that benefit,.... I was out and out threatened by Mark and nobody did a damn thing,... to say I am fed up is an understatement.

So, I went down to the lobby with the intention of putting the fob (which I had placed in an evelope) in the mailbox for tenants with issues. But it wouldn't fit. I saw the maintanence guy in the common room so I went in there. I intended to throw the envelope on the table and leave. But instead I was so angry it hit the table - slid and fell onto the floor. I left. I was so mad at being ignored the past week that I just couldnt' cope anymore. That fob throw was the end result of MONTHS of being miserable and no help coming.

I knew I was in trouble the minute it hit the floor. But I was so fed up at that point I just didn't care. I went back up to my unit. Now remember I have been waiting to hear from housing for some maintanance issues with NO RESULT. Ignored,... but after this it took less than 24 hours for me to find a letter in my mail slot evicting me.

I can't win for losing,...

It has taken me all last night to just calm down.

This morning I am calm. Too calm. Scary calm,... I am empty inside and have totally given up. 

So today I made some calls. I called that crematorium and have made an appointment to make my final plans. I have everything ready to go except a name to put in of someone who will 'take care of me' once I am gone. But there is noone. 

So I have decide to not make any plans at all. To just have them find me dead and the city can take care of me. THEY can bury me in a paupers grave for all I care. Same as my grandmother and mother before me,... wothless disposable people thrown away. And I will be just the same.

This threatening your housing over behaviour is not right. They use eviciton so casually. We are all so disposable,...

This system has beaten me down to the point I just don't give a shit anymore. If they are going to evict me for throwing a fob after months of being ignored and threatened and noone helped. So I have decided enough is enough. I am not their little tenant that upset them so their feelings got hurt nad now they can RUIN MY LKIFE AND THEY DO. Have none of them ever lost their temper???? Did they get threatened with eviction when they did?????

This system has you by the short and curlys. You get NO CHOICES. You are TOLD what to do and if you dont' do it - goodbye!!!!!!~

I am fed up of living under threats. If they want me out???? Then I'm out. But not how they think,....

If my life is so ducking disposable that you can make me homeless over a throwing a fob out of desperation for help,... then evict me. It's inhumane to use homelessness as a threat for behaviour. And I'm done being treated like a PRISONER. 

The date is chosen - the end is coming - and I hope housing gets investigated after I am found dead in my unit. I hope they don't get away with triggering yet someone else into suicide with their casual threats. I can guarantee you THEY have never had to live not knowing if they would be thrown out anytime,.... I know this becasue if they have ever felt this - they would NEVER do it to someone else.

I'm done being the worthless, disposable welfare whore.

I'm so fucking angry noone can stop me now,.....

I refuse to be treated like a nobody who can  be thrown on the street for throwing a fucking fob,.... and I HOPE the woman who did this is investigated and charged for triggering my suicide,.... you arragant princess,.... how wonderful it must be to paly GOD

fuck you all,.... good bye

I'm fed up and just want MAiDS now

This is the email I sent to our local MP:

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I phoned your office last week but someone called and told me to put it in writing. 

I am desperate for a doctor. I DESPERATELY need a physical. I have multiple problems that need addressing. But I have no family doctor. When I try the walk in, I have screenshot how I have to call over 200 times to get through. To the point I don't even bother anymore. I can never get through.  And even if I do make an appointment I am only allowed ONE issue. What do I pick???? Heart problem? I think I have cancer? what is the most important issue? I can't decide and more to the point ~ I shouldn't have to.

I have given up trying to get health care. Today I got another ambulance bill for $45. I am refusing to pay this bill. As the ambulance seems to be my ONLY health care. I am not paying for it. Over the past few years I accumulated ambulance bills of over $500 and was HOUNDED BY CREDITERS 3 times a day for it until I got mad and called them and had to sort it out. . The harassment from this credit company was unbelievable. THREE TIMES A DAY they phoned me to harass me for payment.

So I let them know, and I am now letting you know, that I have given up on all health care. The next time my blood pressure goes over 200 (which it does about every 3 or 4 weeks) and I will need the hospital????? I refuse to call 911. Lets just deal with the consequences instead. heart attack or stroke.

I NEED A DOCTOR!!!!!!!! I NEED A PHYSICAL ~ desperately!!!!

But after 4 years of no health care I have decided to end all things to prolong my life. Why would i prolong this suffering???? I stopped all medication as it's too hard to get without a doctor. And now I am refusing to call 911 ever again. I do not want creditors calling me 3 times a day ever again. And that's what will happen if I call 911 again,....

I live in poverty. I got hit by a car February 2024. With no doctor I am still without the use of my right hand. I have deficits that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE PROPER CARE WITHOUT A DOCTOR. Nothing got fixed properly and I am suffering with the results.

I have given up looking anymore.

I hope the next time I need an ambulance but refuse to call,... I hope you can all sleep at night. I have done nothing but ask for help for 4 years and got none.

And now get this!!!!! ODSP is threatening to take this benefit away from me because of my car accident and a small settlement I received. I am right now waiting to hear if I am deemed deservable for their precious benefit. If not,... I will be living on just CPP.

$851.51 a month which we all know is impossible.

So after all this I have decided I just want to end my life through MAiDS. But get this,... I can't because I DON'T HAVE A DOCTOR!!!! And they won't do it without one. AGAIN being penalized for not having a doctor. All of my choices have been taken away as I have no doctor.

Life is too hard without health care at 62 years of age. I am disabled and use a walker but am being threatened by ODSP (and not for the first time) of having it taken away. Not only having it taken away,... but I have to pay THEN BACK. This benefit does nothing but trigger me with their keep it,... take it away,... keep it,... take it away,... it's no way to live having the threat of homelessness hanging over your head because ODSP can't decide if your good enough for them to give you the benefit. 

I am fed up of living below the poverty line. ($1408 a month) I am fed up of living in pain with no family doctor and no health care except 911 which I am being charged for and if I don't pay I get harassed by credit companies. 

This is NOT the Canada I grew up in. I live in poverty and isolation with NO HELP whatsoever from anyone. I have been left alone to rot,.... not able to get groceries,.... not able to do anything for myself anymore,... but expected to deal becasue there isnt' any help out there for me.

So no wonder I am choosing MAiDs

But with no doctor even this choice has been taken away from me. 

So what do you suggest I do? Live suffering? and I mean my life is MISERABLE!!!!!!! or end my  life?

Either way,... it's not what I want but what has been done to me by this community and society, has left me no choice. I am not going to suffer becasue theres no resources for me. NOT NOT NOT

I am fed up and just want to end my life now. 

I don't know why I have bothered to write this as I have asked for help from this office before and all you did was call the police and try and have me thrown into a mental hospital. And BECAUSE OF THAT - I HAVE NOT ASKED FOR HELP FROM ANYONE EVER SINCE AS I DONT TRUST ANYONE NOW. I said I wanted to end my life (through MAiDs)  yet YOU called the police saying I wanted to end my life throuhg S*****e,.... that was not nice so I hesitate to even reach out. I JUST DON'T TRUST not to get put in there again,....

So what I need is for someone to help me get MAiDS without a doctor. HOW can we do this? I should not have to suffer because I don't have a doctor. I should be allowed the same things as others with doctors get.

Can you  help me end  this miserable life through MAiDS?

Because I refuse to live this poverty any longer. It's MISERABLE