and now i wait,....

 The ups and downs in my life are just crazy. The highest of highs and then plunged down to the lowest of lows. Sometimes in minutes. And this past week has been nothing but a roller coaster ride,...

But as of today,... I think I may have found a property out in Duncan BC. It is under my budget and if i can get accepted then I will have a ZERO monthly mortgage. I would have to pay a trailer park fee of $650 a month but that is close to what I pay right now for rent. So in that aspect barely anything would change.

However, the big problem is I lose my ODSP so my monthly budget will drop drastically to $1100 a month. With the park fee taken out that is only $450 to live on a month. But I have considered this. It is a two bedroom. If i do find things just that much too tight to manage then I can always look for a roommate. Or I could clean homes,... I dont know exactly right now but I do know that if I dont' try ~ i will end up lingering in this compound for years to come - miserable. This is my chance to get out.

I have contacted 3 of my cousins. John here in Ontario and Sheila and Brian in BC. Brian actually lives in Duncan so I feel confident in knowing that with the 3 of them looking out for me I should be ok.

It's a bit terrifying though. I have already done this once and it didn't work out. I am just taking my mistakes and trying not to make those again this time. 

I wish my children were involved and happy for me but they are not. And if I do get this place (and right now that is still a very big if,...) I will never see my girls again. We will be 4000 km apart. But I waited. I waited and waited and waited,.... but they just weren't interested. They already have another mom - their step mom. So they dont' even need me anymore. And I have pinned long enough. If I am to survive mentally, I have to make this decision to move on. Start life fresh. I'm tired of being hated.

So now my life is in the air once again. I now have to wait to fly to BC and then wait to view the property on July 1st. And then and only then will I have an idea if this is even feasable or not. But al least this time, I have 3 people behind me giving me advice I trust. 

So now I just wait,.....