Another day of the fluffy white stuff
Yesterday was November 29th. The birthday of my twin sons. (they both died a few days after birth) They would have been 36 today if they had lived. It's funny how I can go for long periods of time not even thinking about them. But whenever this date arrives,... I spiral. I try not to make any kind of deal about it, but my mind does not forget. Even after all these years, I can still remember every detail about that day like it was last year. (here is a link to that blog post)
I tried to put a link in here but it won't work. It's the blog post dated November 29th 2024
I spent the day quietly. Trying not to think about it. But any mother will tell you ~ you can't forget the day your child dies,.... it is burnt into your memory. Even after 36 years. So the day was quiet and somber.
Murphy hasn't recovered as fast as Molly has so I have had to keep an eye on him. He had two surgeries (neutered and a hernia was repaired). Molly is up and full of beans but Murphy has not left my side. He is either asleep on my chest or sitting beside me. He just doesn't want to leave my side. I was given some pain relief meds to give him and I think it has rendered him completely stoned. He just seems out of it. Yesterday was his last dose so I am hoping to see him pick up sometime today. If not, his post-op vet appointment is Wednesday.
Although Game day is usually Saturday, Manchester played today instead. So I have had a quiet morning watching the game. They won.
Overall, I am still miserable and don't want to be breathing. Life has gotten too physically hard and I just can't keep up anymore. The pain in my hands has prevented me from doing everyday tasks I need to do. I often get frustrated not able to open a bottle or jar. Even brushing my teeth is painful. With noone to help out, I am just not coping.
The cremation is all complete now. Written up and signed. My appointment with the lawyer to draw up a will is on December 2nd (Tuesday). That one is going to be hard as I have noone to leave the money to. I refuse to allow my children to have anything after turning their backs on me. But there just isn't anyone else. So I have had to decide who to leave this money to. I have narrowed it down to sick kids hospital or dividing it up to the 3 or 4 people who were there for me in BC and helped me when i was homeless. Why should my children get the money when they KNEW I was nomeless and didn't even reach out,... while long lost cousins and strangers DID help. THEY deserve the money. So I need to figure out how to do this in a will. Once it is drawn up, signed and payed for,... it will be time.
I hate every single part of my life except the cats. These two are the only thing I worry about. I need to know they will be put into a home that is loving and kind and will take great care of them. They are both very sweet cats and would add a lot of joy to any home. They have certainly been my whole life since I got them a few months ago.
But sadly my life is just too painful to carry on. It has gotten steadily worse even in the last few months to the point that I just can't deal with the physical pain anymore. Marijuanna doesn't even dull the ache anymore,... I need something much stronger. But with no doctor or health care I can't get that. They don't give out pain meds or mental health meds at the walk-in. So I am shit out of luck and that leaves me in UNBEARABLE PAIN.
And the only escape I see is death,....
Very, very sad. Especially knowing I could have been saved,...
But thats life now.
In the end I just wasn't worth saving.
Again,... I DON'T WANT TO DIE
But living is just too hard now. And noone wants to help,.... sad.
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