Completely dead inside

I just cannot get warm today.I have turned up the heat but what I have learned from living in this unit for 9 years, is that no matter how high you turn up the thermostat, the room never gets warmer than 22*. So I had to buy a heater and right now I have that plugged in while I sit here, shivering. 

I have closed down. I feel nothing inside anymore but deadness. I don't even get out of bed for most of the day now. I get up, feed the cats and have coffee. But more often than not, I am so depressed I just crawl back into bed and watch tv for the day in bed. Nothing interests me anymore.

I don't want to see or talk to anyone anymore. Knowing you are not liked changes how you interact with the world. And the horrible realization that I am worthless has completely changed my outlook. I no longer want to interact with anyone. I can't. I will only be thinking "they are just being polite. But really they hate me." and pity is even worse than being hated.

I don't even want to celebrate Christmas with anyone anymore. Up until a few weeks ago, I would have given my life to spend Christmas with my daughters. But now? Now that I know I am a hated person,... I don't want to be around anyone at Christmas. I will only say or do the wrong thing and upset someone. Better to just remain alone.

I am so upset with my girls that I think even if they DID reach out,... my heart is too empty and dead now to care. It's too late. I have been alone and unloved for so long I don't think my heart knows HOW to feel anymore. 

I have been stressed trying to find a person to be my executer in my will. But there is noone who is even close to me to do it. John has agreed to be the person the crematorium will call to pick up my remains, but I haven't chosen an executor as I have noone. Do I need an executor for a will? 

For my money? I have decided to will it to Toronto's "Hospital For Sick Children". My children don't deserve it. So let a helpless sick child have it. This hospital is the one the twins were air-lifted to. They were amazing. Air-lifted by helicoptor and treated in ICU and I didn't recevie ONE BILL! They took care of my babies for me when i couldn't be there. (I was at Bramptons hospital recouperating from surgery). I even got cards from the nurses telling me about my wee boys while they were still alive. THESE people deserve my money. NOT my family. THEY choose to believe I was a horrible person they just coulnd't have in their life so FUCK THEM. My daughters get NOTHING.

I am willing off my apartment contents to the people who helped me when i got back from BC. The ones who got me a bed and table. THEY deserve my money. Not 2 children who think I'm a monster.

I cannot tell you just how devastating it is to learn you are a disposable being. Very painful,...

But if you can be homeless in July and Ontario Housing can still threaten you with homelessness AGAIN less than 3 months later???? You are disposable,...

Worthless to society,...

If they can threaten you with your home,... and get away with it??? Then thats a society I don't want ot be a part of. To scare me into thinking I was going to have to be homeless all over again?????

 CRUEL.

That threat just told me I was worthless and noone cared what would happen to me.

Disposable

Worthless

Unloved

Alone

If I wasn't these things,... I wouldn't be suffering,... but I am suffering. So I am these things,... 

So fuck you world ~ you can't keep me here forcing me to live your fucking poverty and homelessness. Threatening me because I was so frustrated at being ignored I "threw a fob",...

I don't even know if I can wait long enough to make a will,...

I just can't stand breathing right now

I'm just in so much pain