I have never been a materialistic person. "Things" don't mean a lot to me. I have never been able to buy luxury products in the past just because of my budget. But I think even if I had all the money in the world, expensive things don't excite me. I am a practical girl. If I need a product and it is available in 5 or 6 different prices (due to quality), I would be the one buying mid-range. Good enough it won't break right away but I didn't need all the bells and whistles. 

When I came back from BC, I had nothing. Which wasn't nice but it did teach me the lesson that I didn't NEED most of it. When I started to 're-buy' everything that I lost, I did most of it through Amazon and Walmart. I don't have a car or any way to go shopping so I rely on delivery for almost everything I buy.

But this time around I didn't go mid-range. I went cheap. At my age, I didn't see the point in accumulating a lot of expensive stuff as I have noone to will it to in my death. So I decided to stick with just the basic needs. Just get what I can't live without at the cheapest price I could find. Luckily for me, I got a ton of it on Amazon Prime day so I was able to get huge deals. And now I am set. I have all that I want.

I am not a greedy person. I live without most stuff others think are a necessity. Material objects just don't hold any value to me. I wear no jewellery except 2 stud earings. To me, gold and jewellery itself is a big waste of money. Instead of a diamond necklace, I would rather go to a football game. I don't buy into fashion. Almost everything I own is football related. I couldn't even tell you what is IN fashion right now as I just don't care.

When I got my small settlement money I was able to get my apartment back. And for the first time in my entire life I was able to buy new electronics (devices). Over the past years I have always had old devices. When everyone else had an Iphone 16,... I had an Iphone 13. I didn't need new ones if the old ones worked the same. So in the past 3 months I have replaced all of my devices. A new phone, laptop, 2 tv's with soundbars,... things I could never have got before the settlement money. So now I am up to date on all of my electronics. But it hasn't made me happy. It has allowed me to have useful and up to date products which makes my life a tiny bit easier, but my life hasn't changed. I am still alone and bored all day.

So even with all these new things I have got over the past 3 months,... none of this stuff has made me happy. I just look at it all as 'stuff.'

What I WANT is experiences,.... (travelling, football games, concerts,...) and those I can't have. Instead I am alone with no transportation. So I am stuck inside my apartment all damn day long,... and no amount of expensive stuff can change the fact that I am bored out of my mind and dying inside. 

I have an appointment with the lawyer for my will on December 2nd. I wanted something sooner but I guess these places are busy. This throws all my plans out the window. The will is going to take a while to get drawn up and finalized and it will be later than the date I had choosen to die. But I can't die without a will. So now I am having to wait. And this means yet another Christmas alone,... another year sitting alone knowing my granddaughter is squealing with delight opening her presents from Santa. Another year of feeling unwanted and unloved.

*** sigh *** why does nothing go right for me??? 

So now I am forced to hang on,... dead inside.

This is torture,.... I really do just want to die now.