Now, I am mentally ill. I am unmedicated mentally ill. I have BPD which is a very difficult disorder to live with. I don't understand social cues and relationships. But one of the most difficult things I have to cope with having BPD is the constant threat of eviction. I have OCD as well which means I NEED to be stable, and KNOW that I have a place to live all the time. When this is threatened I spiral,... I can't cope with this kind of threat.
Everything started last week when everything went wrong. My water tank broke and leaked and I got flooded. Housing left me to it and expected me to empty the pail of water that was leaking every 2 hours or else it would have over-flowed. This may sound like it's not a big deal but with my physical limitations it was a HUGE deal and I couldn't cope. I couldn't lift that bucket so had to hand bomb jugs of it out. It took forever and it HURT me physically. By the third night of having to set my alarm for every 2 hours just so I could get up and empty this damn pail I was now mad.
My litter boxes and everything from that room were in the middle of my living room. The storage room was locked and I couldn't get into it to put this stuff away. I had to call housing 3 times to get this resolved. And until they did,... I had to live with everything in my livingroom when I have two kittens!! It was not fun. I was angry becasue housing just expected ME to take care of it. It leaked - profusely - not just a few drops. It was filling the bucket evdery two hours there was so much water. In the end it damaged the floor tiles but with the threat of eviction I got I am not even letting them know the floor got ruined. If I tell them they will probobly send me a bill.
My automatic door opener fob is broken. I would push that button 30 times but my door would not open. When you have a walker this is frustrating as to open it now I have to get infront of my walker and open this big heavy metal fire door and drag my walker through while trying to hold the door open. It's awkward. It defeats the purpose of having an automatic door opener if it never works. I wrote out 3 maintenance forms but GOT NO REPLY!
There are 3 or 4 other things that need fixing and I'm being ignored. So the other day I lost it. I am human and I had reached my limit of coping and I lost it. I was doing laundry and had my hamper on top of my walker and was clicking this fob trying to get my apartment door open. NOTHING. DEAD.
Now I know I was in the wrong - definitely. But I have been under so much stress the past few months and no help. I have been harrassed,... I have been ignored by my benefit groups who then turned around and stopped my benefit becasue they didn't hear from me. Stupid. How can you hear from me if you NEVER answer your phone or call back?
So by the day of the "fob" incident,... I was spiralling. Noone was answering me for anything,.... ODSP has me under review trying to take away that benefit,.... I was out and out threatened by Mark and nobody did a damn thing,... to say I am fed up is an understatement.
So, I went down to the lobby with the intention of putting the fob (which I had placed in an evelope) in the mailbox for tenants with issues. But it wouldn't fit. I saw the maintanence guy in the common room so I went in there. I intended to throw the envelope on the table and leave. But instead I was so angry it hit the table - slid and fell onto the floor. I left. I was so mad at being ignored the past week that I just couldnt' cope anymore. That fob throw was the end result of MONTHS of being miserable and no help coming.
I knew I was in trouble the minute it hit the floor. But I was so fed up at that point I just didn't care. I went back up to my unit. Now remember I have been waiting to hear from housing for some maintanance issues with NO RESULT. Ignored,... but after this it took less than 24 hours for me to find a letter in my mail slot evicting me.
I can't win for losing,...
It has taken me all last night to just calm down.
This morning I am calm. Too calm. Scary calm,... I am empty inside and have totally given up.
So today I made some calls. I called that crematorium and have made an appointment to make my final plans. I have everything ready to go except a name to put in of someone who will 'take care of me' once I am gone. But there is noone.
So I have decide to not make any plans at all. To just have them find me dead and the city can take care of me. THEY can bury me in a paupers grave for all I care. Same as my grandmother and mother before me,... wothless disposable people thrown away. And I will be just the same.
This threatening your housing over behaviour is not right. They use eviciton so casually. We are all so disposable,...
This system has beaten me down to the point I just don't give a shit anymore. If they are going to evict me for throwing a fob after months of being ignored and threatened and noone helped. So I have decided enough is enough. I am not their little tenant that upset them so their feelings got hurt nad now they can RUIN MY LKIFE AND THEY DO. Have none of them ever lost their temper???? Did they get threatened with eviction when they did?????
This system has you by the short and curlys. You get NO CHOICES. You are TOLD what to do and if you dont' do it - goodbye!!!!!!~
I am fed up of living under threats. If they want me out???? Then I'm out. But not how they think,....
If my life is so ducking disposable that you can make me homeless over a throwing a fob out of desperation for help,... then evict me. It's inhumane to use homelessness as a threat for behaviour. And I'm done being treated like a PRISONER.
The date is chosen - the end is coming - and I hope housing gets investigated after I am found dead in my unit. I hope they don't get away with triggering yet someone else into suicide with their casual threats. I can guarantee you THEY have never had to live not knowing if they would be thrown out anytime,.... I know this becasue if they have ever felt this - they would NEVER do it to someone else.
I'm done being the worthless, disposable welfare whore.
I'm so fucking angry noone can stop me now,.....
I refuse to be treated like a nobody who can be thrown on the street for throwing a fucking fob,.... and I HOPE the woman who did this is investigated and charged for triggering my suicide,.... you arragant princess,.... how wonderful it must be to paly GOD
fuck you all,.... good bye
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