I can't even donate my organs

I wake up early now. You can't sleep in with 2 kittens nibbling your face for their breakfast. Which is usually just after 5. Today I woke up empty. Just completely covered in the black fog. I can't feel anymore. My heart is broken but my body is numb. I am so sad I can't even feel anymore.

I wish,...

I wish I could arrange to end my life so that I could donate my organs. I could if I went through MAiDs. But that doesn't look too promising right now. With no doctor they won't even start the process. Yet another thing I lose out on because I dont' have a doctor. My life has been such a waste. It would be nice to at least do some good in my death. But this society has made it so that can never happen. All my organs will be cremated with me. All because I don't have a doctor.

Instead I will have to do it my way. Terrified and alone. And by the time I am found it will be too late for organ donation. I failed at that too,... 

I called our MP's office about how Housing uses eviction threats and it's not right but so far they haven't even called me back. I was probobly written off as 'just another ODSP or OW welfare case complaining,..." I have never been taken seriously. Once they see you are mentally ill, everything that comes out of your mouth can't possibly be true. She's just having a crisis or something. I am so used to it I don't even expect people to see me any different anymore. It's why i have given up asking for help now. If you knew how many people did me wrong over my life but turned around and blamed me and my mental illness you would be disgusted. But it happens all the time. Once mentally ill,... nothing you say is ever taken seriously again. 

And this is the case with MAiDs. I have been wanting to die through MAiDS for 5 years now. But no one took me seriously. "Oh she's just a drama queen wanting attention" or "I'm sick of hearing you say you want to die - but you'll never do it. Your just wanting attention".

But here is the TRUTH. I have been struggling and suffering for a long time. And I have had enough. The pain is unbearable most days but i get no relief. I have to fight life with a brain different than everyone else and they hate me for it. Life is just not good for me. It hasn't been for a very long time.

If I had a family that I was with all the time things would be 100% different. But my family doesn't want to be with me. So why live on struggling in physical pain if theres no pay out?? 

I am serious and I always have been. But noone - I don't even think the doctors themselves - took me seriously.

So I guess I will have to go another route. But make no mistake, I wanted,... and asked for,... but was refused MAiDS. 

And now,... I can't donate my organs. The one last thing that I really wanted to do so my life wasn't such a waste.

I refuse to spend one more holiday alone.

And if MAiDs won't help me? And I can't get a doctor? Then you can't blame me for doing it my way. NOONE wants it done my way ~ NOT EVEN ME ~ but this world has forced it,....

How sad