I feel bad about something. It's not that big of a deal but it has been bothering me ever since I said it.
I texted my cousin John to see if he would agree to be my 'next of kin' for me and take care of my last wishes. Which really,... he doesn't even know me. So for him to agree was very nice of him. But I can't help feeling that he is doing it because I have asked him, not because he wants to. An obligation as my only other family rather than because we were close. Sadly, it turns out, I wasn't close to anyone. I thought I was,... but when the ground gave way beneath me and I was in trouble, those friends and family I thought I had were silent. That was the biggest wake-up call to me I have ever had in my life. It was life changing and not in a good way. It devastated me. It made me realize my whole life has been a lie. I thought people cared about me and loved me. But I have since been told no,... that isn't true. They all 'put up' with me because they had to. Very bitter pill to swallow.
And since then, my character has changed. If noone likes me anyway,... then I can say what I like as I won't make them mad and leave. They are all already gone,... now I tell the raw and bitter truth. I resent my family for not reaching out when I was in so much need of support. That not only left me hanging having to figure everything out on my own, but it changed my relationship with my whole family completely. I no longer WANTED them back in my life. All those years of spending holidays alone while they all got together and enjoyed them has left me bitter. All those Christmas's and Thanksgivings sat alone while they all laughed and made memories I can never have made me sad,... resentful,... bitter,... hurt,... it just changed me,....
And now I just don't care. After that eviction notice (I mean THREAT) I completely changed my outlook on life. I woke up the next morning and I had basically lost my faith in humanity. That eviction threat (which remember I thought was 100% real as they intended) was a slap in the face of just how little anyone cared. I had just been homeless 3 months earlier,... yet they still upset me with this letter. There was NO NEED for that,... no need at all. But it ended up being my 'last straw'.
My life is over now. I am working to tie up loose ends. I just can't bare to breath anymore. Too painful,...
But I do feel bad about John. I do feel hurt that he didn't come and see me when i got home from BC. I REALLY needed a friendly face and a hug. I thought if anyone would,... it would have been him. But he didn't. He is a busy guy with a family and has a busy life. WHY would i think he would want me in it? But after 3 months and no visit my heart sank. I knew he wasn't obligated to. (he really wasn't) but in my heart that was my last hope of family.
So in a text exchange with him he said he loved me and without blinking an eye or even thinking about it,... I texted back "You have a funny way of showing it, but ok" which is the reflection of the hurt of him not reaching out as I really, really needed someone the past 3 months. I don't think I was talking about just him. I think that I just had this over-whelming 'hurt' of how everyone stayed away and ignored me when I needed support. But my cousin John had no obligation to help or support me. That was ME just being hurt by everyone but he was the one who said I love you. And right now I feel like the most UN-loved person in the world. So when he said I love you,... I almost gawfed,... really? Then where were you? I think I was REALLY talking to my daughters,... not him. But unfortunately in my broken hearted mind I took it out on him. So I feel bad about that. At least he is helping now. Which is more than my daughters are doing,...
Hurt and broken hearts act out in anger.
And my heart is completely broken.
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