It's definitely a November day today. It's cold and gray. A low cloud hangs down over everything leaving it wet. I think a storm is rolling in. We may see snow early this year.
I am NOT evicted. It was all a scare mongering threat. The 'official' eviction notice I received (under my door) is NOT actually an eviction notice. I read the whole first page and I sure do wish I could show you a copy of it but I would definitely get sued by Ontario Housing so i can't. But it was 2 pages long. The first page looks EXACTLY like an eviction notice. It even says
"I am giving you this notice becasue I want to end your tenancy - I want you to move out of you rental unit by the following termination date" and in a very legal looking box it has the date of December 15th 2025. Underneath it just goes into detail why. I stopped reading after this first page as I was SHOCKED and TRIGGERED.
Now here is the very serious side of BPD. (Borderline Personality Disorder) one of my mental illnesses (also OCD and depression and anxiety). But people with BPD cannot regulate their emotions and often their emotion is over amplified. Indeed I have struggled with this all my life. I cannot handle conflict. I will be so patient about a situation for a long time. But then, if it doesn't get resolved I spiral and lose control.
Remember,.... I HAVE NO DOCTOR and therefore I am UNMEDICATED. This mental illness is HELL to live with. I mean here I am at 62 alone because I am a "monster" to my family. I don't know how to exactly or accuratly describe BPD as it's one of the most complicated mental illnesses there are. It usually stems from trauma and in my case that was my first year of life. We have difficulty interacting with people,... I have a terrible problem with emotions. Becasue of our trauma,... we perceive every situation differently than others. A therapist once described it as "most people go from A to B during a crisis but when people with BPD or truama have a situation we go A to C and skip B which is the reasoning. Our minds perceive situations differently so we react differently. It's so much more complicated than this but this gives you an idea of why I struggle so much.
But the most serious problem with people like me is we are too immpulsive when we are triggered. We don't go to B,... we panic and right away go to C. which is in my life - is suicide. I don't have the tools that others have to process the situation properly. I right away perceive a threat and panic. And when I panic it is deathly serious as I often try to end my life.
And this is what happened this week. After days of trying to contact housing with no response I blew. And when I saw "You have to be out of your unit by December 15th 2025 (which by the way is 2 weeks before CHRISTMAS!!!) I paniced and then spiralled and seriously wanted to kill myself.
I have jsut lived through the trauma of being homeless just a few months ago. I have not had therapy to help deal with it after being robbed (terrifying!) I have had no help at all mentally. I just had to deal. And I am still terrified of being homeless again.
So when I saw this letter saying I had to be out by december 15th I paniced and the first thing I wanted to do was die. I seriously contemplated calling a taxi and going to Elora and jumping into the gorge.
This woman who started this eviction THREAT,.... KNOWS what I just went through in BC. Yet she still thought it was ok to threaten me with homelessness ~ 2 weeks before Christmas!!! In her mind,...her normal healthy UN-meantally ill mind was a harmless (although very cruel) thing to do. But to us mentally ill with BPD - I nearly ended my life getting this letter.
How would anyone feel after just re-establishing themselves with a home again only to have it ripped out from underneath you AGAIN????
This scare-mongering has got to stop. SOMEONE is going to die from SUICIDE becasue of the trigger. I came This--close to dying yesterday. I got all ready and stopped short of calling the taxi.
I have had enough of living with my houisng being held like a carrot dangling infront of me. Tjhrow a fob??? You are homeless,..... Misbehave in anyway,..... you are homeless,....
A person does not feel a lot of worth knowing they could be homeless in a month. Stability is one of the most important things I need being mentally ill yet I never have. I NEVER know if I will have my housing from one month to the next. It is such an unsettling and cruel way to survive.
I am so angry at Ontario Housing for their out and out FEAR MONGERING to keep people in line. I should not have to worry that I will become homeless becasue my mental illness caused me to have a triggered spiral,.... and I misbehaved,.... I shouldn't have to worry that I could lose my HOME!!!!
So I continue to plan my death. I refuse to live under this oppresion. Behave or you lose your home,..... thats a lot of pressure for someone with mental illness who struggles with my emotions.
So I won't. They think they have just SCARED me into submission. They don't think twice after sending out these letters as its JUST THEIR JOB. But I plan on ending my life becasue I'm sick of living so precariously.
I'm too old to be homeless and too mentally ill to be threatened with it every time I act out. I threw a fob,.... I was ignored by housing for 3 days leaving me to mop up a flood myself over a 3 day period - but instead of an apology why I was left to it???? I got threatened with evicition.
THIS IS NOT A WAY TO LIVE
So I called my cousin John and I asked if i could use him in my will and for my cremation. He agreed. So now,... I continue on with my plans to die.
You can't threaten people with their housing (Ontario Housing) and their income (ODSP) and not expect us to have feelings about it. Buit if we do,... we are punished and we lose our benefit.
Not going to live like this anymore.
If I'm such a disposable monster then you'll all just be glad when I'm dead won't you?????
You can't treat people like nobodies and then not expect them to kill themselves,..... we are people,... HUMAN BEINGS with hearts and souls just like everybody else. But we are not allowed to be treated with respect or dignity becasue we are poor and no longer useful to society so just throw them away and treat them like they are prisoners. You misbehave???? YOU LOSE YOUR HOME!!!!!
Roll on November **th,.... I can't wait to excape this hypocrisy.
Ontairo Housing and ODSP employees have far too much power for their own good. I dont' even think they realize how much power they have over us. But I do know,.... they dont' care and abuse it,....
THAT was the last straw. I will now be dead by Christmas and I can't fucking wait,....
Have a merry Chirstmas ***** at Ontario Housing,... as YOU can never have YOUR home taken away,... but YOU can take away mine. Oh wait,... you weren't really going to,....You were just trying to scare me - NOT FUCKING COOL!!! Have a nice fucking Christmas!!!
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