Getting things decided

For the first time in a very long time, my day went by rather quickly. I had some things I needed to get done today. I had a phone appointment with the crematorium. I am still floundering around trying to make decisions for my 'end of life' care. With no next-of-kin, it hasn't been easy to decide on some things.

I want to be cremated and then scattered in Meadowvale cemetery. But I don't want a funeral or any other bells and whistles. I got quotes from both places. But I can't decide. So the woman at the crematorium offered to call the cemetery and between the two of them, they can hopefully come up with a solution. So after talking with both of them today, I am now awaiting a reply. Both of these ladies have been really helpful. 

How sad that the only connection I have to anyone in this entire world, is to my twin boys born in 1989 and who sadly died a few days after their birth. There is a deep sadness that overtakes you when you know that you are so alone in the world and that there isn't even anyone to bury you.

I am also stressing about the will. I really don't want to use my cousin John as he barely knows me. And as I am learning, it can be some work to be an executer of someones will. I don't want to burden him with that. The woman at the crematorium gave me the name of a firm that has professional executers. You just hire one. So I have called that office and am awaiting a reply from them too.

All of this has been been much more detailed than I was expecting. It has also been much more upsetting than I had expected. To have to say out loud to another person that you have not one person in your life, kind of hits you hard. To hear the words "I have nobody" just reverberated around in my head. To FEEL the absolute lonliness of having nobody in your life is quite painful. And to have to say it out loud was embarrassing and degrading and made me feel so worthless. A waste.

But it's all in the works now. It had to be done. My mother and my grandmother before her both had noone to bury them either. My grandma Ida was interned in a 'paupers grave' in Toronto. I don't even KNOW where my Mom is. I didn't know her in life so I have no idea what happened to her in death, but she had noone either. The Holyoak womans curse,... we end up alone and we die alone and we get thrown away like trash when we do die,... I hope the curse stops with me and neither of my daughters ever have to feel the pain of such deeply ingrained lonliness and feelings of being so worthless. It really has broken me. 

But, enough of all that,... 

I have to be up early tomorrow as I have to take M & M to the vets for their pre-op appointment. They are both getting surgery to get fixed next Thursday. How I am going to keep these two kittens apart after their op is not going to be easy. They are so close and never apart. But, I am a firm believer in fixing your pets so it has to be done. I hope the weather is good as I have to walk them there on my walker. fingers crossed,...

And with this finally written, I think I will put the kettle on and make tea. I haven't watched the new episode of Gogglebox UK yet. I have been saving it for when I need a good laugh. And today is that day.