Well, everything is drawn up and ready to sign at the crematorium and cemetery. I asked them to do the absolute cheapest they can do. The crematorium will charge $2,200.00 ~ just to get cremated. There are a lot of hidden costs in burials,... this cost isn't even for the cemetery yet. They charge a cost to have me scattered. I haven't hired the executor for my will yet and I am already looking at over $5000 just to have a will, get cremeated and scattered.
I hate the funeral industry. As far as I am concerned it's an industry that plays on grief.
How much would it have cost if I had wanted an actual funeral????
Anyway,... it's all drawn up and ready to sign and pay for. So what am I waiting for? The money is in my account,... all the i's are dotted and the t's crossed so why haven't I signed it????
Because deep in my soul there is a place that harbours a tiny, tiny bit of hope. My brain tells me it will never happen,... but my heart still holds out hope that my children will come back. I think I am hoping that one of my girls will contact me and say "Don't do it". Even with all the rejection and abandonment my poor little heart still hopes they will come back,...
But I know they won't.
So I am giving it the weekend and then Monday I sign everything.
I can't believe that not one person can find me a place to live - to give me a chance,....
I can't believe my life will end becasue I got priced right out of living and couldn't leave an abusive building. I can't believe that my family thinks I'm such a monster that they can't see it in their hearts to extend an olive branch.
I can't believe my life will end this way,....
Unwanted,...
Unloved,....
worthless,...
Invisable,...
And that noone will even notice I am gone,....
How fucking sad
I tried,.... but noone would take a chance on me,...
So now I cause my own death,...
and I pay for my own death,...
I should just have them throw my ashes in the trash.
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