Looking forward

I'm having a hard time getting going today. My injured shoulder hasn't been getting better leaving me sidelined. So I'm struggling with everything. But I went through my Facebook messenger and deleted most of the 'fake account' trollers (again,... why?) so I have put a line under it all and I am starting fresh. My Facebook has been on lockdown for months so I haven't gotten any since I came back home to Ontario. So, fingers crossed,.... it's all behind me and forgotten.

Moving on,... and not looking backwards. It serves me no purpose to hold on to any of it. So yesterday, I made the conscious decision to move forward. I took a deep breath and exhaled,... today I start a fresh life. No more bullies or choldish playground games. I put it all behind me,...

But what does that look like when your in your sixties living in Ontario Housing? Its nearly immpossible to eek out any kind of life when your drowning,... but if I am to survive, I have to try. And trying means changing my old ways. My old ways weren't working so now I have to change. 

No more gazebo. I want nothing to do with those people anymore. Sadly there a few people I did like and will miss but the bullies have left a very sour taste in my mouth. All my problems are with Darren. So to end that problem? Stay the fuck away from Darren and his giant bully. So as of now,... I never go out to that gazebo again.

I also started to chat with a couple of the women I used to a few years ago here in the building. Nothing heavy, just a quick chat here and there. It's not a lot but it's better than being completely alone. I am not comfortable around women so I try and keep things short and sweet and fun. Why am I so uncomfortable around other women? I think because I am not like other woman. And I think this is why I only had a handful of women friends in my lifetime. 

My lifestyle is different than most women. I don't have a lot of the same interests as the 'stero-typical' girl. Even having received my settlement money, I have yet to spend one penny on nails, hair, make-up or clothes. Because none of those things interest me. When most women go out for fun, they go shopping or get their nails done. When I want to go out for fun, I watch football. I haven't worn any make-up in years. And my last real haircut by an actual hair stylist? Before covid, so five years ago? I just bend over at the waist and let my hair hang down and cut the ends. It's so curly I always wear it up anyway so if it ends up looking hideous, noone will tell. I am a tomboy. I dont' really care what I look like. 

I would rather by a football jersey than nice shoes,...

I would rather go to a game than go out for a girly wine night,...

I would rather live in a cabin in the woods than a modern home in the city,...

I would rather sit around a campfire than watch tv all night,...

And these are not 'typical' girl things. So I often found it hard to get along with woman. Our interests were never the same. They went shopping Saturdays while I watched footy.

So I spent a lot of time alone. 

But now I am slowly making tentative baby steps back out into the 'outside' world. I will be staying well clear of that gazebo, but I can still go out if someone is with me. Yesterday I sat out front of the building with anther woman. We talked about cats. Nice and safe. Enjoyable. Just friendly chit chat. It felt nice to be around another human being. I have been isolating myself away again and I am bored and unsettled. I NEED to get outside. The bad weather is coming and I need to enjoy what good weather we have left. So fuck the bully boys and just move on. If THEY have a problem then it's theres. As far as I'm concerned they no longer exist.

I have put an application in to adopt a cat but transportation is proving to be a problem once again. The organization I am dealing with is about a 25 minute drive away. Not a big deal if you have a car, but paying for a taxi will be pricey. I will do it if it means I can get a cat but geeeez,... yet another thing carless people have to deal with. This particular place wants me to come to their weekly 'meet-and-greet" to interact with the cats. I have NO problem with that at all. I want to see the cats too. But their policy is they don't give that cat to the person that day. They have to come back another time to pick up the cat. Again, if I had a car - no problem whatsoever,...but,... to pay for a taxi twice is getting a bit expensive. So right now I am waiting for a call from the 'cat lady' (sorry dont know her name) to see if they will bend the rules and allow me to come out there only once and pick up a cat that day. I tell you there are days I get so frustrated not having my old car,... I never even THOUGHT about these problems when I drove. I just jumped in my car and went. It's been hard not having transportion. I have always been so independent with my car. Now I feel helpless,....

All I want is a cat!!!! There are millions of cats around the world needing homes but without a car I will be spending about $200 just on transportation to get one. Of course it will be worth it,... but it's just not necessary especially when money is so tight right now. This is what I mean when i say "The middle class have it so much easier than we do down here in the system,..." (I lost a lot of friends sticking to that statement but I still stick to it,...) I used to BE middle class so I know exactly what I'm talking about,...

I wish I could hire a 'driver' like rich people do just so I could get everything I needed doing ~ DONE! But instead I have to do everything the hard way,.... walk or pay for a taxi. 

Again,... all I want is a cat,...

So today I sit here waiting for a phone call like some expectant father,... ***sigh*** Fingers crossed I have a cat by my birthday on Sunday,....

Mollie Margaret (after Maggie) or Murphy McMessi (Or Murphy Boots McCallister) still can't decide,....