I have had enough.

 I am mentally ill. I have BPD amoung other things. Part of this disorder is not handling conflict well. And I have - in confidnce - told people who I thought were very good friends about this, and how it's something I really struggle with in life. I have talked about it here on this blog as well. This is obviously a flaw of mine that has caused me a lot of heartache over the years.

This is the first blog post I have struggled to write as it is so painful for me to talk about. BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is horrendous to live with. I fight my own brain every single day. I hate myself and self harm. My life is hard just navagating that.

Ever since I moved into this building weird things started to happen. Gossip, and I mean vicious LYING gossip. Not just "do you know what she did?" I mean people out and out lying to make your life hard. That started as soon as I moved in here. And it never stopped. Imagine meeting a man and dating him but your neighbour keeps telling you she sees him cheating. You facetime him and he is in another city working. The person out and out lied to try and break us up. Things like this were happening all the time. I couldn't quite put my finger on what was going on. It's just now as I look back over 9 years of living here and realizing just how INTRUSIVE the people here are.

But I digress,... the reason I am talking about all of this past crap is that I can't cope with it anymore. Someone is still gossiping non-stop about me here. Someone is still on every social media I have. Spying,... tattling,... anonomously harrassing,... so brave behind a keyboard. But this shit has been going on for YEARS. And over those past 9 years I have slowly had to close up every part of my life to hide from these nosy people. I have had the police here SEVERAL times on wellness checks from people phoning them. I have had the Humane Society called because they were concerned about Maggie as I didn't feed her and my place was so dirty the litter box hadn't been cleaned in months,.... I have had Ontario Housing say they have got multiple complaints about me. It is like a slow growing toxin that has crept into every crevice of you life. Until you wake up one day and realize you have no life. It has been stolen from you by abusive neighbours,.... nosy gossips and trolls. The constant barage of lies and complaints starts to get to you. What must the police think of me having so many complaints from whoever it is in this building. Whoever the person ishas turned me into a paranoid fearful victim. The worst part is not knowing exactly who it is. It could be multiple people in this building as they do seem to work in vicious little cliques. But the truth is,... I just don't know. And that has left me feeling scared and vulnerable and not knowing WHO it is makes that feeling even worse. 

My mental illness has made this situation very serious. As people with BPD can't deal with this shit. And that causes us to feel such distress we do stuff just because we feel so invisable and helpless about the situation. I feel victimized with NO HELP. I feel like Facebook has HELPED this troll victimize me. Ontario Housing wouldn't protect me. For 9 years I got "We dont' get involved with personality conflicts,..." Thats what they called the harrassement - "personality conflict". When I complained ~ I got banned from talking to Ontario Housing altogether!! BPD didn't come with a rule book so I struggle with conflict and how to deal. And the people in this building that I confided that too, are now using that to "poke the bear" They know that not knowing who it is that is doing all this stalking and harassing is making my mental illness get worse. And they count on me being so bothered by all of this I feel defeated. They enjoy making me feel scared. They enjoy knowing I don't know for sure who it is,... They enjoy the anger and frustration I am feeling,... they enjoy all of it. And the more i react - the more they get enjoyment out of it so continue to do it. But people with BPD dont' know how to NOT react. We take everything very personal. We feel things deeper than most,... our emotions are stronger than usual. But we don't know how to change that. So this person,... who has just insinuated themselves into my life - annonomously - over the past 9 years is never going to stop. Not when they know how much it effects me. And it is effecting me very deeply. 

And whoever is doing it obviously knows me very well as they read this blog. So they know every flaw. people have said to stop writing your deepest fears but this is a blog about mental illness and all the struggle that brings. I'm not going to not write about the hard parts to placate other people. If someone reads this blog and instead of seeing a person struggling with mental illness but instead sees FUEL to use to hurt that person??? That is not my fault. I shouldn't have to worry about writing freely and honestly about a horrible illness. I should be allowed to write about the vulnerable side to this disease.

So HOW DARE YOU ~ whoever this troll is (and I have a very good idea I know who, I just have to prove it now.) How dare you take something so personal and vulnerable and use it to hurt me. YOU are the sick one. You have used this blog as your 'entertainment rag' to learn my vvulnerabilities and then hurt me. That is cruel and sick behaviour. To a person with BPD ~ it's FATAL. But you still think it's an entertaining game for you. Playing headgames with my life. 

Facebook won't help me. I complain but it's a BOT I'm complaining to. They just don't care. Housing protects the bully and gives the victim "transfer papers" as it's better to get rid of the 'complainer' than the problem. Easier to transfer the victim than have to go through the procedure of evicting someone. That would be too much work for them and cost them a lot of money. So instead,... hide the victim away from the bully. My bully still sits out in the gazebo like he fucking owns it,.... He definitely won and Ontario Housing let him.

This is a long post as it will be one that explains everything. I have asked for help with everything for years and years and years but I have just felt like an invisable nobody. And then to have people just gossip and lie and harrass eats away at you over time. And after 9 years - I just can't take it anymore. This enviroment is literally KILLING ME. I need out or I WILL end up killing myself in desperation. 

But I can't get out,... I have tried. God knows I have tried to escape this place. But it's like a vortex that just sucks you right back in and leaving you to feel like your completely on your own. 

I have noone to talk to,... so this situation has left me overwhelmed. I have had to close up my life to hide yet noone cares,... Infact maybe they all think thats better. Hide her away in that apartment where noone has to see or talk to her,... evderyone is happy. Except me,... becasue I am the invisable mentally ill monster that is hiding away afraid to go out my front door.

Police won't help,... Ontario Housing won't even see the problem. Facebook helps trolls harrass people but wont allow us to get help from them,... I have no friends or family to even talk to about all of this so it just eats away at me day after day. Until now,...

Now I have had enough. I am done with people who wont' keep their nose out of my business. In a severly intrusive damaging way,... I am done with a world that you can't even have a public blog as nasty people use it to hurt you. Over and over again,... 

I am done being Invisable and TAKING IT!!!!!

Today I am done with it all. Facebook,... social media,... this blog,... my life,.... noone fucking cared about me anyway except the nasties who love to hurt me. 

I have had enough of  a society that is ok turning their head to my hardships. 

I have had enough,.....

I have had enough,....

I have had ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!