Happy "62nd" Birthday to me

♪♪ Happy Birthday to me,...

Happy Birthday to me,...

Happy Birthday dear Jacquie

Happy Birthday to me,...♪♪

Today I am 62. And I have made some serious life decisions.

Getting Molly has completely turned my attitude around. Suddenly I have something in my life. Now I have a responsibility. No more wanting to die,... because now,... I have a reason to live. Molly. I don't even know if this kitten is even 2 pounds yet. Soooooo tiny. Yet this little bundle of fur has completely turned my life around. I always knew I couldn't live without a pet. This is proof. Now,... I have to look forward. 

I knew that getting Molly meant I am now no longer making decisions for just me. I realize now that I have a responsibility to this cat for the next 15 to 20 years. That means I have to be around for her and that means I have to give up the idea of suicide and MAiDs. I don't have the luxury of "leaving" this planet anymore as I have a little soul who is completely reliant on me. In getting Molly,... I have made the decision to keep on living no matter how bad life gets. It's not just me anymore,... I have another life I am responsible for and that forces me to stick around as long as she is on this planet. This was a BIG decision for me as life has been really challenging and I did just want to end it for the relief. Choosing to get a pet insures I can never end my life. 

I have decided that if it is immpossible to get out of this building, then I will make plans to change my life so I can survive living here. And one of the things I have decided to do is make sure I go away once a year. Even if it's just to visit Trish in Ottawa for a long weekend,... it will help my mental health by getting out of this enviroment. THAT is whats killing me. THIS PLACE. So I need a vacation away from it once a year. I am frugal and can stretch a penny like it's a rubber band. As long as I have time on my hands I can budget and save for a holiday. Even if it's only a weekend away. But having this will give me something to look forward to every year. 

Darren and Mark NO LONGER EXIST TO ME. If they try and scream at me again,... I look right through them and pretend I don't even see them and walk away. I NEVER go into the gazebo again. THAT enviroment is what has caused all of my issues lately so if I ditch the gazebo forever,... no more drama. The gazebo has always been a toxic enviroment so I really don't feel bad not going in there anymore. I just don't want to associate with those kind of people. Not ALL of them are bad,... but the couple who are - Darren and Mark - are horrible. So just avoid,... avoid,... avoid,...

I have Molly now. I don't need the gazebo.

I have some things I am thinking about for the future but right now they are just thoughts,... (suggestions accepted on how to keep busy this winter,...) But I do know that this up-coming long winter is going to be a challenge for me. The snow and cold keeps me couped up inside far too long and I get cabin fever. I am not built to be stuck inside an apartment to watch tv all day. I NEED A LIFE. Something to do,... it's not a want. It's a need. If I don't find something to occupy this brain this winter I am going to go insane. 

I have ideas and thoughts but nothing concrete. Money is tight but I have to find something I can afford to do. I am completely empty inside right now. I need life to fill me back up again. Molly is a great start but I still need more.

If I am to survive,... I HAVE to find a life.

I have seriously been thinking about moving way up north here in Ontario where the rent is cheaper. I have a housing benefit that transfers over to any rental I have as long as I live in Ontario. What if I packed up and moved up North? Thunder Bay? Sudbury? I don't work and therefore I don't have to find a town with emplyment for me. I just need to find a place with low rent. I don't care if I live in Northwest Territories,... I just need away from Fergus and city life. I am NOT a city girl. I was in heaven while in BC. THAT is the lifestyle I crave. Unfortunately BC is far too expensive for me too afford. However,... what about up North? I am thinking of calling my old friend Beth who is a Real Estate agent who specializes in seniors downsizing in the Northern region. With my family literally messaging me to "Fuck off and leave and never return"? Maybe I will,... there just isn't anything holding me here anymore. Infact,... it's hard living in a town that your daughter does too but she hates you and wants nothing to do with you. I would rather just get the fuck out of this area and start fresh. I have been researching and it does look feasable,... however after my BC fiasco there will be a lot more researching and I will need a better - more stable - plan. This time I will use a Real Estate agent or reputable agency for rentals. I will visit it first. Infact maybe I will spend a few days there on holiday before I commit to renting. Whatever I end up doing,... it will be well researched this time. And noone else will be involved. JUST ME. (and of course Molly now too). I know up North is cold. But I am Canadian and I know all about cold. I think if I can get the hell out of Fergus and into a town with a bus route or more than one taxi driver - my life could be better.

And so for this birthday I give myself the gift of not only Molly,... but life. And I am DETERMINED to get the hell out of this building and this town and finally LIVE.

Can it be done? I don't know but if it can ~ I will make it happen.

I refuse to spend the next 20 years sitting infront of a tv doing nothing.

I will get a new life and it starts today on my 62nd birthday.