This world has done nothing but prove to me that it doesn't want me

So why stay????

If they are going to make living so fucking hard????

Then I just give up and DIE!

Fuck you Canada!

I have totally given up. I do not see any way out of this poverty.

I tried,... I fought the system for years trying to get change but noone would listen.

I tried,.... when an opportunity came up to leave this situation I took it. Only to be scammed,... but I did try.

Each year that passes I fall lower and lower into poverty. Now I don't even bring in enough to cover rent

WHAT A JOKE

This life does not give one shit about me. It does not care that i exist,... it does not care that I am suffering,.... it does not care about me at all,... I am a NOBODY. A worthless nobody,....

Life does not want me and has thrown me away 

So today,... I go back to my original plan.

If surviving is so hard,... then lets not bother surviving,... lets just DIE! Lets just commit suicide and get this ridiculous charade of a life overwith.

No money to survive but noone cares,... 

So I have stopped all medication again and i am actively looking for ways to die.

If this world is going to be so cruel as to leave me to rot on $851.51 a month??? Then I say no,... thats not good enough for me. I want to live - not just exist. I want a life - not just stare at a tv for 18 hours a day. I want to EAT without having to beg,....

I don't think i was asking for much,... just basic fucking needs!!!!! But if this society can't give me that - then fuck them!!! I am so done. 

WHY should I suffer? Why should I struggle? Why am I alive???? 

If this world doesn't give one shit if I'm in it or not - then lets just NOT be in it anymore

My new goal in life is to DIE!!!

I refuse to live this poverty and pain any longer.

FUCK YOU Canada,.... Fuck you!!!

Poverty's reality

There is a guy here I have known for nine years now. He is very similar to me when it comes to our situation. We are both 'different' with our own issues. We are both alone with no family. We both lack a support system. Which is my biggest issue in life ~ no family or friends to help when you need the support. Facing life alone has it's own sad reality.

This person was just diagnosed with cancer. He is in a horrible situation. He had surgery where they kicked him out of the hospital the same day. He had no help or support for his recovery. Which ended up to be overwhelming for him. Then he got hit with the news that he has cancer. But instead of sympathy and support - he got crickets. NOONE CARED. He has two sisters - nothing from them. He never hears from his family just as I never hear from mine. At a time in his life where he needs love,... care,... and support,.... he was thrown away to fend for himself and rot.

So he came into the gazebo understandably upset. But being the person he is - his upset was to come into the gazebo and tell everyone he is not going to go through chemo as noone cares anyway. He then said he just wants to die now. (sound familiar?). Instead of sympathy for his situation - people said he was annoying and left him alone.

The man is in crisis and people threw him away. In the end,... the cops came and took him away. That was 3 days ago and noone has heard from him since. So it looks like he has ben thrown into Homewood.

This is so typical behaviour of society. Throw us away and leave us to fend for ourselves but when we get mad or angry about this life situation -nwe get thrown in Homewood for our 'behaviour'. Well maybe is someone cared about us in the first place - we wouldn't have to feel so unworthy and useless and angry at life and we wouldn't have bad behaviour. But when noone is listening to you - sometimes you lose it and become overwhelmed and you act out inapproritaely. But thats not our choice - thats out LAST ditch effort to get someone to hear us. but instead of hearing us - they throw us in Homewood for bad behaviour. 

I am alone. i am isolated and I am miserable. But noone cares. As long as they don't have to walk my life,... then they can turn their heads and pretend they don't see how bad the situation is. And when I become angry and lose my temper - then they can say it's all my fault.

But let me be clear. My 'behaviour' is years of being made to feel like a useless - worthless NOBODY. When i was in crisis or needed support - noone was there. It was my fault so I need to deal with it myself. No love,... no sympathy,... just criticism for being different.

My heart goes out to my friend R****. He is so lost and alone at a time when a 'normal' person would be treated with kindness and care. But becasue we are 'different' we are blamed for our situation. WE caused it ourselves so go away and cope alone.

And that is exactly what I am doing. Coping alone.

I am at the end now. Done coping alone. Done begging for benefits and charities only to have them taken away when you need them the most. I am done living this UNDIGNIFIED LIFE where I have to prove annually that I am so poor I need their benefit or charity to survive. And for what? Absolutely ZERO positivity in my life. Just hate,... boredom and feeling utterly worthless.

The "normal" people have no fucking idea what life down here in poverty and mental illness is like. 

Noone wants us - so we are alone.

Feeling like we are the most worthless people in the world.

I am DEFINITELY going to end my life.

Becasue this isnt' living ~ it's actually TORTURE

What kind of country does this to a 61 year old disabled person??

So I got a letter Friday from the government of Canada that says "The organization listed below (ODSP/Family benefits Act) has asked the Canada revenue Agency to apply your tax refunds and dertain tax credits against a debt you owe them"

So not only has ODSP cut me off ~ they are now coming after me for my debt to them.

I thought they had reinstated me but now they are asking for paperwork I dont' have and can't provide. It's all gone. I don't have any paperwork of any kind anymore. It all got thrown out before I left for BC. And I can't get reinstated without this paperwork.

So not only am I now living off of JUST CPP of $851.51 ~ but now ODSP is asking the government to step in and take MORE away to pay my debt to them.

I give up.

How do you win? How do you get ahead? Because from where I'm standing it feels like they are intentionally making my life as hard as they possibly can pushing me to suicide!

I just spent almost all of my settlement money "buying" back my life only to realize that I can't keep it. This government is hell bent and determined to leave me destitute. I AM ALREADY STRUGGLING! I can't live on less,...

My rent break organization didn't get my application in on time as I didnt' do one as I thought I was going to be in BC and didn't need one. Now,... this leaves me with NO RENT BREAK which means I now have to pay market value for my apartment starting August 1st ~ only days away. Market value is MORE than I bring in a month.

Market value is MORE THAN I GET A MONTH!

So right now I am sitting here overwhelmed.

I have just lost my dream of escaping this place and got forced right back into it,... but this time with nothing,... and now I will LOSE IT ALL AGAIN??

What kind of country is this? This government has me in a vise. Squeezing me. I have nothing!!!! Literally NOTHING!

Ontario Housing will not allow me to live here if I can't pay rent. And starting in August I make LESS than my rent. So you tell me what to do????

I am so stressed. I can't sleep. I am so depressed because of it. My body has started to shut down. Give up. No longer function. 

What kind of country does this to a 61 year old disabled person???

I just need to die. I see no other escape and I refuse to lose everything again and be homeless,...

I think I'm worth more than that even if this government doesn't.

I will end my life before this government makes me homeless once again

Paralyzed

It's dark. A storm is rolling in. I am standing outside on my balcony. Three floors up I can see quite far as the clouds drop. They hang like a sagging belly down to the ground. As dark as the sky is, the sun is shining behind me. It throws this electric light off as it glints off of shiny surfaces. The hydro wires look like they are lit up infront of the dark sky behind it. It's a breathtaking sight. I love storms. I quite often go outside and watch them. Tonight I could feel the ominous clouds closing in. The air close,... the humidity like rain on my skin. Lightening flashes all around me. One is starting before the other has finished. The whole scene is breathtaking. But I am paralyzed. I can't move. My body stunted in depression. I don't know how long I stood there watching the storm. Rain soaked me. Lightening flashed around me. A constant rumble of thunder resonated through the air. Yet still,... I couldn't move. Frozen.

My body is shutting down. Overwhelmed from the past few months. Exhausted. I am mentally shutting down. I no longer go out. I no longer talk to people. Instead I crave the mundane quietness of my apartment. Isolated. I don't have to function here. I can just ~ exist. Breath. Paralyzed in my black fog.

I don't think I am going to recover from this one.

I haven't always been this way,...

Life has beaten me down 

until theres nothing left

but misery 

******************

I used to be a good person

Just want to die now

I'm sorry that I am not all hearts and rainbows and unicorns,... but my life leaves me depressed and miserable. I lost yet another friend becasue she texted me asking how I was and I told her truthfully. I am not good. I dont' make enough to exist and I am going to lose my apartment. I never heard from her again. We had spoken a few weeks prior and she was all "You have to look at the good side of life and you have to look for gratitude" She wanted me to start a new blog - hiding my real feelings and pretending to be good just to keep others happy. Noone wants to listen to a whiner. I get that. But there is NO joy or happiness or any positivity in my life at all. Just severe PAIN and poverty and boredom and lonliness. Yet unless I PRETEND to be happy to placate the middle class - then noone wants to know or hear about my misery.

I guess when you live in poverty and pain you have to PRETEND your ok or noone wants to know. I told the truth to that question and she stopped talking to me. I guess that was the last straw for her. But guess what? When you are in pain all day ~ it leaves you MISERABLE. It's not ok to feel pain all day long. When you are hungry a lot and can't get food ~ it leaves you MISERABLE. Living a life of isolation becasue you can't even afford to do one damn thing that others can afford - it leaves you resentful and lonely and isolated. becasue if you cant pay your way,... drive there yourself,... then people get tired of asking you to go anywhwere. i dont blame them,... if I had to pay and drive all the time, I would DUMP that person too. And they all did,... becasue noone wants to listen to a whiner,....

But I have no choice. i am forced to live in PAIN. I am forced to live in poverty and that leaves me miserable and therefore noone wants to know. I try being in a good mood but who can when there is nothing postive to be happy or content for?? It's all pain,... poverty,... hunger,... (yes - read that again - hunger in 2025 in CANADA) and stress and worrying about being homeless because you can't pay the rent,... it's IMPOSSIBLE to be happy and in a good mood. Add on top of that mental illness and my life is a miserable mess.

So i apologize to my 'friends' who have everything THEY need ~ but expect me to be happy when i have nothing of what I need,... I'm sorry I'm not all hearts and rainbows and unicorns - but this life is FUCKING HARD and leaves you miserable.

And to have the world shut you out because they dont' want to see poverty and misery and if I show it - then bye bye Jacquie,... noone likes a moaner or a whiner,... so dump her and let her sit in her own misery and suffer. If shes going to be miserable then dump her,....

I'm sorry that life has beaten me down to this. But here I am. MISERABLE,... poor and in pain. The lesson I have learned with this?? Noone wants to be around people suffering becasue we are not happy and we bring you all down.

I have no choice. I am beinf FORCED to live this misery. And now,... I have lost everyone who even remotely cared becasue I ahve tthe audacity to not be able to rise above my situation and be happy.

Let me tell you,... I have not been happy for years. I have been SUFFERING for years,... And I have been sinking lower and lower with each passing year. Now,... I am completely alone and people want nothing to do with me. 

Poor people are to stay away from. They are miserable

SHE'S miserable ~ just dump her and leave her alone,....

And the world has

And I am miserable

I just need to end this ridiculous life.

Because now - my pain and poverty and mental illness have driven everyone away. 

If you are not one of the happy people in life - then you will suffer alone.

This is not a life ~ This is TORTURE and I just need to die

When you live on such an UNLIVABLE wage and you are still happy? Then I guess you can judge,... but until then,... you have no clue what life in severe poverty is like. t's fucking MISERABLE 

Starting to look like a home again

 

I have nearly finished refurbishing my apartment. I went with a completely different look. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to go cheap and this is all I could find that was affordable. Now that it is all set up it still doesn't feel like 'home' to me. It feels soul-less,... cold,... lonely,... it feels like I am staying at an Air B&B or something. It's functional and does the job, but it doesn't feel like 'me'. I guess in time it will. But right now I don't really feel like it is 'my' space yet. Maybe I am just missing Maggie. Maybe it feels empty because Maggie is no longer around. Whatever it is, I am still getting used to it.

I was on the phone all day yesterday. To the government! Hours of being left on hold only to be transferred to someone who can't help you. It was frustrating. But in the end very worthwhile as I managed to get my ODSP re-instated. THAT is the best news ever. I managed to get them to put me on a rapid reinstatement that takes place next month. They will be taking $25 off to compensate for the money I owe them but I will take it. It will bring me back up to $1355 a month rather than $851.51. That is the difference between surviving and not surviving. It's the difference between losing your apartment and not losing your apartment. It is a life saver to me.

Something is going on with my right hand. It is getting worse and now painful to the touch. I am going to have to break down and get an appointment at the walk-in clinic. It actually hurts just to type. I don't think I will ever get movement or use back in it but I would like the pain to stop.

I am still feeling depressed and lonely. I have no answer for curing that. Poverty is a hard life and leaves you with no entertainment or positive things in your life. It wears you down. And after 9 years of it, I am drained. Tired of always struggling and proctically begging to people to survive. It eventually drains you and leaves you with no energy or motivation to have a happy existence. Everything is about poverty and no transportation which equals no life. 

It leaves you feeling sad and lonely and bored.

I still want to go through MAiDs for the mental health criteria. ODSP is a top up that just allows me to eat. It isn't enough to give me a good life. I will always struggle in poverty and I will always fight my mental illness. Life will never be good for me again.

I got my ODSP back,... but it isn't enough. 

I still want my life to end. I am not living,... I am existing. And it's really, really lonely,....

Even in death I have noone

I have just realized that if I die tomorrow,... even when I get to heaven I will not know who will be waiting for me. Becasue both of my families have thrown me away. 

So when I get to the pearly gates of heaven,... noone will be waiting for me. I have no family. I have no connection to anyone on this planet anymore. I am 100% alone.

So when they find me dead,... who will care? I have no official next of kin. I have absolutely noone in my life at all. 

I am such a monster and so unwanted and so unloved that not even in death will anyone claim me.

I will leave written instructions to cremate me. But there isn't even anyone to claim my remains. They will probobly sit on some morgue shelf - unclaimed and unwanted - forever. 

Because even in death I am a monster that noone wants.

I am not worth a livable wage so I suffer in poverty but noone cares.

So when I die,... just cremate me and throw me away,....

Because that is all I was ever worth in this life,.... being thrown away and left to rot 

Even in death ~ I have noone

Lost my ODSP officially and not getting it back - time to die

I happened to go into my government account today. I found a letter to me dated way back on June 4th 2025. I had never seen this letter until today.

ODSP has officially been taken away from me. My file has been 'officially closed' and I am no longer a recipient of the ODSP program in Ontario Canada.

So that is it,... I will be living on $851.51 for the rest of my life. No other financial help whatsoever.

So I have stopped buying things,... I have stopped re-doing my apartment. I am just going to lose everything I have just bought AGAIN when i can't pay rent and I get evicted.

I must be the most horrible monster in the world. Because noone can live on this amount ~ but noone seems to care,... a long as THEY dont' have to struggle on it - oh well ~ sucks for me but long as THEY don't have to be poor THEY can turn their heads and look the other way and pretend its' not happening,...But I can't do that. I am being forced to SUFFER threw it.

So I have made a decision.

I am not going to struggle any longer. I thought relief was coming in getting ODSP back but it's not. This is the last fucking straw of being INVISABLE

I am ending my life and I don't care who the fuck calls the police. If you are going to force me to live in such poverty I can't eat - then go ahead and call your fucking police.Make me suffer even more,.... you get a life but I have to go hungry,... but call your fucking police as thats all anyone knows what to do. They wont help me - but they will call the police. 

I refuse to rebuild a life just to have it taken away again in a few months.

NOONE can live on $851.51 a month and I have given up trying,...

I give up,...

I am ending my poverty once and for all. If noone cares enought to help then fuck you all

I hate my life,... and I refuse to be miserable one more fucking day

Thank you Ontario Canada for signing my death certificate.

You told what my worth was - and it was nothing

So if I'm not worth it noone will fucking care that I am gone

So angry and hurt right now I just want to be dead and that is my only goal now to end my life.

Roll on 2027 as I will be first in live to kill myself with the mental health criteria of MAiD

If I even fucking make it that far becasue right now,... that is way too far away and I just need to stop this ridiculous suffering NOW

There is no need for this poverty ~ but I am forced to struggle in it anyway

FUCK YOU ALL

I am done with the struggle

losing my ODSP was the last fucking straw that told me I am worth NOTHING to this world.

NOTHING ~ absolutely fucking NOTHING

Finally got the furniture put together

Waking up to another stinking hot day in Ontario. I have never been more grateful for air conditioning in my life. And a home to go to at all actually. Being homeless in this weather must be horrible. So today I wake up grateful for having my own apartment and for air conditioning. I don't have much left anymore in this world, but I do have a home of my own. 

Yesterday turned out to be a better day. I was so frustrated with this flatpack furniture that I was ready to throw it all in the dumpster out back. But a subscriber to this blog who lives nearby contacted me and ended up coming over and helping me. (So thankful for the help!!) And in the end we got it all done. But she did say that it wasn't just me. It was hard to do with just one pair of hands. So I dont feel so inept. It really was difficult and needed two people. But it is done now!! Which means my apartment is starting to look like a real apartment once again. I still need to put up curtains (waiting for hardware to be delivered) and one more piece of flatpack furniture (over the toilet shelves) and I will be done. It still doesn't feel like 'my' apartment yet. I'm hoping once I get all my tapestries hung up on the walls, it will make it feel more 'homey'. But I need to get out to Walmart to buy all the hardware for that. I still need a few odds and ends but for the most part,... I am almost back to normal since my "BC Fiasco" (I don't know what else to call it). And then hopefully I can just forget it ever happend and move on. 

I am losing a friend here. My friend Trinity is here with Traverse Independent recovering from a serious car accident. But her recovery is coming along so well that she will be leaving us soon. She is already looking for a new apartment for herself. I am so thrilled for her as she needs to get out of here. It's all old people that live here and she is so young. She needs to be around people her own age. And it looks like this could be happening in the next few months. Although I am really happy for her,... it is yet another person I will be losing. I have had this happen a few times now. I befriend someone from Traverse (The brain injury recovery part of our building) only to get close to them and have them up and leave once they are recovered enough. I don't have any friends here in the building. Between Tonya and Darren, I have learned to isolate myself and just keep myself to myself. The less communication and contact I have ~ the less drama. Tonya has been as quiet as a mouse which is just what I have wanted from her since I moved in 9 years ago. I don't care if she is still gossiping outside of the compound - As long as I don't have to hear anything I'm good. I can't tell you the relief it feels to be able to walk around this building once again and not be accousted by Tonya with nasty comments. They have completey stopped! And it's heaven. I just walk right past her now and she keeps quiet. I think housing reprimanded her in some way. I don't care about why - I am just glad that she has stopped. It has made my life living here bearable once again. 

But I am very selective about who I befriend now. So I only have one or two people I talk to and the rest I keep my head down and keep myself to myself. So I will feel sad about losing Trinity once she leaves. Great for her that she is getting so much better - but I will definitely miss her.

My life is very isloated now. Lonely. I spend my days either watching tv or sitting outside in the gazebo having a smoke. Theres not a lot else to do. I get very bored and lonely but there really isn't an answer. No money,... no car,... = BOREDOM! And some days that boredom eats me up inside leaving me feeling unsettled. I really do need something to occupy my brain or I just feel unsettled. The boredom is what it killing me slowly. If I had money I could at least go out and do stuff. But no money means I am trapped inside this building with nothing to do.

This brain doesn't do well with boredom. I need something to do.

And of course, there is still always the worry eating away inside that I will end up losing this unit anyway when I can't afford to pay the rent. THAT keeps me awake at night. If I can't find another source of income to top up my $851.51 a month ~ I really can't see myself surviving. I will definitely lose this apartment. 

So I am constantly living with the threat of losing my home once again. And that is not a nice feeling to live with everyday you wake up.

I have said it before and I'll say it again,....

NOONE can live on $851.51 a month. It's immpossible!!!! So unless I get some help financially ~ I will be homeless again by next spring. And that is something that is front and foremeost in my mind all the time. Once you have been homeless (and I have been twice) you are terrified of it happening again. It's definitely not a nice way to live never knowing if you will end up back on the streets.

Noone in Canada should ever be living this way but I am. Canada is not the perfect country people think it is. If your middle class or above you will do well. But the poor are treated disgustingly and thrown away by this government. They just dont' care to look after the poor and disabled. It's absolutely DISGUSING! And I may lose my home for a third time because of it.

I'm not even normal enough to get a cat

This is my life now. In a million pieces all around me. I now have 2 pieces of flat-pack furniture I cannot put together. You need two hands to finish it and I only have the use of one. I am so frustrated with this situation that I am ready to just throw all this shit into the dumpster out back and just take a loss. I'm sick of looking at it everyday I wake up. Sitting there in pieces all over my floor ~ mocking me ~ You useless piece of shit. You can't even put furniture together now,...

And that is not the only deficit I have seen in me in the past week. I have just had a situation which is so typical of BPD sufferers,... miscommunication.

I have decided that I would like to get another cat. So I sent an email to an organization that works in my community. A cat rescue. But after 3 emails, not only do I not get a cat ~ but they won't even deal with me now. Dismissed,... cancelled,... no cat for me because I don't know how to communicate.

I would like to put the whole email thread on here but all the cut and pasting is too hard with one hand on my laptop. But basically I was asking to adopt a cat. But because I didn't understand virtual calling (which platform to use)  the emails went south fast and next thing I knew - I was banished from this organization. I did not swear or even get angry! I just didn't know what platform they needed for a virtual call. I was DISMISSED and told I can't use this organization ever again and have a nice day,....

I am still sat here in shock wondering what the fuck I did wrong,....

But that is me all over isn't it? All I have to do is open my mouth and I fuck up. This is a very typical situation for BPD people (Borderline Personality Disorder) It is like living in a different country and not knowing the local language so you just do your best to fit in and hope it works. But it didn't work,... I was somehow seen as some 'pest' because I didn't understand what they wanted from me.

So,... NO CAT FOR ME! The mentally ill monster is being punished again for being a mentally ill monster!!!!!!

I hate my life and THIS is why,... Nothing I do is right and I always end up burning bridges and I don't even know what happened to start the fire!!!! I just don't get what happened with this email wanting a cat. 

All I want is to adopt a new cat! But instead I was made to feel like I am a horrible person and I don't deserve a cat. 

So,.... NO CAT FOR ME!

Today I sit here ~ totally despondant. I am so mentally ill I don't even know how to behave to get a damn cat,...

Living with this illness is TORTURE and I dont want to do it anymore. My life is one big struggle and I have burnt every bridge I ever had with anyone leaving me alone and hated.

This is not a life. This is heartbreaking to me. I am just sad and depressed and feel unworthy of even getting a cat,...

I am not normal. I am a monster. And this just proves it,.... I can't even be normal enought to get a cat,....

I just want it all to end so I can close my eyes and go to sleep and never wake up again. BLISS. 

I just want help with this furniture,... and getting a cat,... but I guess I won't be getting either because I'm a mentally ill monster and I am not worth it.

Roll on death ~ as I am not happy at all and just want to die now.

The whole world hates me and I can feel it in everything I do,.... and it hurts,... :(

I pray for death so the suffering can end

I think this BC scam was the end of me. I can't recover from this.

I am living in an aprtment that isn't mine. The new things aren't mine. It's cold and uninviting and it feels like I am living in a hotel. I don't feel at home here at all.

I don't have a life anymore. I don't bring in enough money to pay rent and still get food. I live in severe poverty. New furniture is not going to change that. Infact,... once the settlement money runs out ~ I am fucked and can't afford this apartment anymore and I will lose it all over again.

So buying all this new stuff is just redundant as I will be losing it all over again in a few months when I have run out of money and can't afford to live here.

I am in severe pain today. It's so distracting that I can't function. And my useless arm and hand is getting worse. 

I NEED a doctor and without one I will never get the help I need.

My life is now just sitting alone in an aprtment that doesn't feel like it's mine. I am just waiting for the money to run out and to know my life has come to an end.

I can't afford to survive anymore and I can't take losing everything I own one more time,...

I just dont' have it in me to continue on with a life I'm not even happy in.

I just want to be dead now.

I am now waiting for the mental health MAiD criteria to start. 2027 they will allow severe mental health to be used as a need for ending my life. I will be FIRST in line to get murdered as this is no life,... this is actual hard work and suffering that I am too old to endure anymore.

I refuse to live a life where everyone hates me leaving me alone to fend for myself when I physically can't anymore.

Roll on 2027 so I can end my life through MAiD.

No doctor is coming,... no help is coming,... no more money is coming,.... I am fucked and my life is over.

I hate being alive and dream of death.

THATS how horrible my life is ~ I pray for death every single day. 

Good bye fucking world _ I hate you

 My right hand is so damaged I can't do anything anymore

But with no doctor it is never going to be looked at or fixed and noone seems to give one fuck that I am suffering. Just left to fend for myself. Your hand is useless? Oh well - I guess that sucks for you

The world doesn't even know I exist or that I'm in pain or that I live in poverty

As long as they don't have to live this way then noone fucking cares

Fuck you world! Why am I suffering when noone even sees me and when they do - they hate me

So,...

Dont fucking complain when I take my own fucking life because I cant get by anymore. Not on $851.51 a month and in pain and without the use of my dominant hand. 

NOONE HELPED you all just called me a monster and said I deserve it

So I guess noone will miss me when I end my suffering

Cuz noone cared in the first place

Its been a year and a half and I STILL can't feel my fucking hand

And I never will 

Fuck you all 

Good bye

I just want to die now

I have needed some time to regroup. I am still extremely grateful that I have a home. But right now this isn't 'my' home. I have had to use my settlement money to refurbish a whole entire apartment. And I didn't do it with anything expensive. I waited for Amazon Prime day(s) and I literally looked up each thing I needed. Then I clicked on "Prime Day Deals" for that item and I bought the cheapest version of that item I could find. In other words,... I bought everything on deep discount - not because I liked the product - but because it was the cheapest and it will make do. So I have bought many things - but all of them are for function ~ not asthetics. So it doesn't 'feel' like home to me. Not yet anyway. Right now it feels like somebody elses apartment. Nothing is familiar to me. It's all new. And it's not really to my taste either. To come into my unit now,... you could be forgiven for thinking here is someone who just bought crap to get what they need fast,....

This is NOT MY HOME,... and I really miss my old apartment with all my old stuff. It wasn't great but it was mine,... 

I am still struggling putting furniture together. I still have an end table I just can't figure out and I've left in pieces in the box on my floor. The new chair I bought from Leons???? NOT COMFORTABLE at all!! I hate it. It leaves me in severe pain after just an hour of sitting in it. All that money wasted because I dont have a car and I couldnt' 'test' the furniture I bought first. I had to just risk that it was comfortable and it isn't,.... I am so upset about this. My fibromyalgia leaves me in enough pain everyday. Now I will have to deal with more pain as this chair is not comfortable at all and actually triggers my FM pain while sitting in it. It also has a very strong chemicle smell that is giving me a constant headache. I have never heard of this with new furniture before, but the smell is unbearable. I can only hope it will eventually fade as I have had a bad headache ever since I got this new furniture.

So now I am stuck with an expensive chair I can't sit in. I HATE IT.

But this is my life,... when you don't have a car or a person to help you look for stuff like this??? You end up playing roulette and I lost,... $599.00 plus all the taxes and delivery ~ WASTED on a chair that I will not be able to use  due to pain.

And now I have NO painfree place to rest. 

I am getting really tired of having to do everything by myself. If I only had a car - I could have shopped around and 'sat' in the chair before I bought it. But being alone - this option was not available to me. Fend for yourself Jacquie,... you don't deserve help.

I am getting tired of having to walk everywhere and drag things home on my walker. Groceries or whatever I need,... I am getting too tired to do this anymore.

I have felt such deep exhaustion for the past month. I am doing way too much physically and I am paying for it with pain and fatigue. Not just normal 'tired' but every ounce of my being just wants to lie down and sleep. I just dont' have any energy at all. So everything I have to do I feel like I am forcing myself to get up and do it. But there is noone else so I have no choice but to do everything myself. 

I am not happy. I am old and exhausted. I am alone and lonely,... 

I am the mentally ill monster that noone wants and therefore I am completely alone and left to fend for myself. That was ok in my 40's,... but I will be 62 this year and I just can't do this anymore. 

No more pushing groceries on a walker,... no more buying stuff sight unseen and hoping for the best because I have no car or transportation. No more holidays alone in an apartment that doesn't even feel like mine anymore,... I am a stanger in my own home

No more of this struggle. It's just too much anymore 

I have spent ~ no WASTED!!!! ~ $6000 of my settlenment money and I dont' even like what I have bought as I had to go cheap,... cheap,... cheap,... and thats exactly what my apartment looks like right now. CHEAP. The poverty ridden monster deserves what she gets I guess,...

but I dont want this life. It's not mine,... mind got lost with that BC scam. And I'm never getting it back,...

I don't want this new life. I just want GONE NOW.

I just want to be dead now

Come on Amazon!!

This afternoon ended up better than it started. I had a few phone calls from some resources around the community. The first one was from CRC (Community Resource Centre). And the second from a society that helps people get stuff they need when they find themselves starting over. She stopped by my apartment to meet me and give me a voucher for a bed - bedframe and kitchen table and chairs as well as some kitchen stuff and bed linens. So I was quite happy to hear from her. My OCD usually doesn't allow me to take used things but the mattress will be donated brand new from a store and the rest can all be washed/bleached down. In the end, I am just grateful for the help and will deal with my OCD when the time comes.

I also got to Zehrs to finally get some groceries. The woman from the CRC drove me herself. And from here on in she is setting up some volunteer transportation in the future. THIS will help tremendously as one of my biggest problems I have is having to walk everywhere. Getting driven will be a treat I am not used to. I think I can use them for grocery shopping and doctors appointments (which I guess I wont need not having a doctor!)

But then the evening took on a delivery run around again. Amazon - really??? The driver dumped my package on the newspaper stand in our very public lobby of Ontario Housing. Of course it got stolen!!!!

I was never even buzzed to know it was there!!!! So the 'chats' with Amazon began. I am now very worried as I have my big 55" tv coming tomorrow as well as a few other deliveries. How many will I actually receive? I feel like I will have to sit outside infront of my building all day long just to make sure they dont' dump them in the lobby again. It's Ontario Housing!!! We all live in poverty. of course it got stolen!!!! But I have other deliveries like my new furniture so I can't just waste my day watching out for Amazon. I have the woman from CRC coming again to help me with some forms. I can't sit in the lobby all day.

I am starting to think that I am cursed when it comes to deliveries.

I am starting to think that I am cursed in general right now,...

I tried to fill out an application to adopt a cat and guess what? You need a reference from someone and i am so hated I dont' have anyone who would do that for me. So I guess no adoption,... I guess hated monsters aren't allowed to have cats,.... It wouldn't even let me submit the application without a reference,...

I am feeling like everything is so heavy right now. I am trying to fight my own brain right now. I really dont' need the run around from lazy delivery men causing me to have my packages stolen.

Why can't one thing just go smooth and easy??? 

I need a break world,... I'm tired of everything having something go wrong,....

Feeling the anger and resentment now

The past few days have been tough. I have had to really dig deep to pull myself up and out of this black fog. I have managed to get out of bed and function but it is taking every ounce of energy I have in me.

Yesterday, Trintiy and I walked downtown again. I had to get to the bank to transfer money to my cousin back in BC to reinburse her for the cost of shipping all of my stuff back to Ontario. I am so grateful to her for taking the time to go and retrieve my stuff and then re-pack it and ship it back to me. It has not escaped me how much work this was. And it cost her $500. So I at least feel good that I got her paid back. But yet another large bill for the BC pipe-dream scam.

I am so depressed as I have been out buying things for my apartment. I had such beautiful stuff. MY stuff. Now,... I am having to replace everything but with cheap crap from the dollarstore and Walmart. What I had was good quality as I am a person who saves to get a better product. But it has become so expensive that I have resorted to buying the cheapest crap I can find. 

It's so depressing. I HAD IT ALL already! But gave it all away,... now I have to buy it all back. I have spent over $5100,00 already of my settlement. I HATE that my settlement money is going to be wasted on rebuilding my apartment that was already perfect before I got rid of it all on a lie. 

I was hoping to go on a vacation with that settlement money. A proper vacation at a resort. But now the money is gone,... slipping threw my fingers like water,.... WASTED on stuff.

What is left will be put aside to pay the rent as I dont' make enough money to pay that right now. 

I had to get hit by a car and lose the use of my arm and hand to get enough money to survive after my BC disaster. 

And this has left me quite angry and resentful.

All she had to do was NOT LIE and tell me the real facts. Becasue had I know this woman was in such a mess financially and that there never was a fuctioning B & B??? I would have stayed home. Had she told me she herself was suicidal and I was lured into a situation where she was mentally broken herself - I knew that would not have been a healthy option for me. But she LIED and kept all that info to herself UNTIL I GOT THERE. She used me for my rent money to try and save her home. I am really angry at this right now and don't know what to do with it. It just eats away inside of me. Every time I take out my debit card and buy yet another thing for my apartment I already had but gave away or sold ~ I feel anger.

I got royally scammed. If she had only been honest about her situation I would have known it was not a healthy option for me. But she lied,... and I got screwed and I am paying for it in a very big way.

My settlement money all went to surviving on the streets of BC and then rebuilding my life back in Ontario.

NO vacation for me. I havent been on a vacation in 25 YEARS and would have really appreciated a nice week or two away. Even if only at Port Stanley beach at a B & B would have been nice. But now,... the money is being wasted.

I cringe with anger everytime I use my debit card.

Nothing ever works out for me. And this leaves me feeling completey without hope. 

Living on peanuts and using my settlement money to survive.

Today is Prime day. I ordered so much. Thousands of dollars trying to replace my apartment. I had problems last year with lost and cancelled orders as they were so busy. So fingers crossed I at least get what I ordered.

My heart is broken for my old stuff. It's all I had in this world and then it was gone.

Waste,... waste,... waste,...

I hope Dianne gets some help. The things she screamed at me about her being usicidal and her life being a mess ~ she will never admit now. She THREATENED ME with assault in one of her rages,... that is unacceptable and actually scared me as it showed me how she loses control so easily. That is what scared me - the threat of assualt.  But the other things she said when she was raging and out of control proved to me she is a very sick woman who needs help. Sadly her world is sinking. But why did she have to bring me down with her??? I don't even think she realizes or will admit the damage she has caused me. I hope she gets some REAL professional help. She admit to me how sick she is,... but I'm the one who lost everything and suffered. NOT HER. And that leaves me resentful and angry and I don't know what to do with this anger.

It is eating my up inside.

Angry at her for not being transparent about what I was getting into,.. and angry at myself for allowing her to charm me into thinking I was getting paradise,... I was a fool and she used me hook, line and sinker,... and I was not the only one she RUINED!

What do I do with all this anger and resentment????

This whole situation has left me in RUINS

I lost everything. Not only stuff,... but my children and good friends. And that cost was just way too high.

My life is in ruins and I am too old and too tired and too depressed to even care to fix it anymore,... my furniture is still UNMADE all over my floor. I just can't be bothered to even try and put it together anymore.

I'm always hungry now

My fridge is empty and I am hungry. I am in too much pain to leave my apartment and get food. I looked on line to order something in but how does a $20 pizza always add up to over $50 by the time you get to check out. No fucking way am I paying over $50 for a pizza that is advertised for under $20. Idon't understand Door Dash. They have 2 delivery fees!!! One for the restaurant and one for the driver. DOUBLE DIPPING. By the time you pay taxes on top of that it's way too expensive. The pizza is now double the cost.

THIS is why I never get to order take out

But my fridge is empty and I am hungry. 

I don't even have pots and pans to cook anything even if I DID have food,...

I have shut down. My stomach growls but I don't care. I just lie here. There isn't any food and I am too depressed to go out and get some. Too expensive to order in,.. 

I am always hungry now,...

I can't function anymore. Can't get groceries,... can't get out of bed,...

I think I'll just lay here and listen to my stomach growl

Mentally ill monsters don't deserve to eat anyway

STARVE mother fucker ~ it's what you deserve ~ STARVE!

Still can't get out of bed,... still don't want to,...

Feeling so completely alone and unloved and unwanted,....

Just need to go to sleep and never wake up 

Can't escape the black fog now,....

I have never felt so hated in my life,.... just can't deal,...

I have shut down

It's after 6 in the evening and all I have managed to do is have a bath. I have shut down. I have been here before and it is not good. Once I shut down I don't talk to anyone,... I don't answer the phone or the door,... I just isolate ~ alone ~ paralyzed in the black fog that has descended down around me. I wanted a shower. But I didn't have the energy. Instead I climbed into a hot lavender bath. The heat - which usually soothes me did not feel soothing today. I have shut down so I can no longer feel,... I can no longer function,... I have turned off.

I can't get up. All I want to do is sleep or lay in bed (or in my situation - my blow up air mattress) and watch tv. I have zero energy and zero motivation. 

I have given up. Sunk back into my cocoon. The safe place I retreat to escape the world. I don't eat,... I don't pay bills,... I don't do anything because I am frozen. Paralyzed in the black fog.

I don't think I am coming out of it this time.

Because this time ~ I dont' want to. I just want to lay here and rot.

Don't want to bother struggling on

I have no pots and pans. I cannot cook anything. I gave away a beautiful set of pots and pans and now I have to buy more???

No,... I give up. I am not wasting one more penny on re-buying what I already had and loved. 

I have totally given up now. I have nothing i need. I gave it all away - GAVE IT ALL AWAY because a woman tried to sell me a pipe dream that never existed and I ~ like an absolute fool ~ believed every fucking word she said.

And now ~ I have nothing

I can't even cook because i have no pots and pans,... 

I don't even have tools,....

I have no food again but even though I have some vouchers for Zehrs - I can't get there.

I'm so sick of the struggle.

I HAD EVERYTHING I NEEDED but now have nothing,....

I am not starting over at 61 years of age.

I'm in severe pain today and I physically can't fuction. I physically cannot do this anymore,....

I am now kicking the furniture out of the way when I walk by because I am so angry. I don't even own tools to put them together. And my crippled hand made sure I wasn't capable. All the furniture is now is a reminder that I am a useless piece of shit that can't fuction anymore. So it makes me angry and I am now kicking it out of the way in anger. It will all be broken soon as I just can't stand looking at it. 

I am a fucking failure

I'm fucking HUNGRY ~ but I can't get to the store,....

I need help

But no help is coming

Becasue I am HATED and noone will help. Why? Because I deserve all the shit I'm going through because I'm so mentally ill noone wants to help me becauue they are all enjoying my struggle

LOOKS GOOD ON YOU CUNT!!!!!!

I just need to disapear and e3nd the struggle.

I refuse to lose another apartment becasue I'm so poor I can't pay rent,...

I refuse to hav eto buy my life over again,....

I refuse to spend another fucking holiday alone becasue noone likes me

I refuse to struggle any longer

I refuse to have to start over with nothing

Just imagine people leave when you enter,.... I refuse to be the hated mentally ill monster 

I refuse to struggle on any longer

FUCK YOU world for throwing me away and leaving me to fend for myself when I'm too fucking old and crippled,...

Obviously noone gives one shit about what happens to me so why the fuck struggle on????

I can't do this but noone seems to care,... instead they are happy that I am suffering,...

I am the mentally ill monster that just needs to fucking DISAPPEAR!!!!!

I have completely given up now. Today I didn't even get dressed. I stayed in bed for most of the day. It is really hitting me now that I have lost EVERYTHING and I'm not getting it back.

I am depressed now.

I don't even care about the half-put-together furniture. I don't even want it now. i wish I could send it all back and get my money back. But I can't because it's in a million pieces on my floor.

I dont' want to do anything but lay in bed and stare at the tv or sleep.

I'm too old to start over,... and this proves it.

Please God,... I can't take one more day of this life 

Please ~ give me a break and send REAL help and MONEY or let me die and end this suffering ~ because I am seriously done and can't even get out of bed now

A dark day in the world of football

I write with a heavy heart this morning. The Premier League and Portugal have lost a brilliant football player. Not just a name you haven't heard of - but a striker who helped Liverpool win the league this past season. Diago Jota played for Liverpool as well as his home country of Portugal. He just got married 10 days earlier to his wife and they had 3 children. Liverpool will never be the same,... The Premier League is in mourning. This is a huge loss for the European football community. His brother - also a professional footballer in his home country of Portugal died in the same crash as well,....

And it brings me my question of why? Why would someone who has so much promise and a full and successful life ahead of him die?? Why not me? Why not someone who's life is shit - like mine? Why does God choose GOOD people to die and people like me to suffer for years and years in poverty and pain with no relief in sight? Why does he allow good people to die? 

I am so unhappy and so poor and in so much pain that I would welcome death right now. But instead I am made to struggle over and over again until I have fallen so far I have had to start over with nothing. WHY did God do this to me? When I pray to die everyday,... why does he force me to go on? And then take a brilliant athlete with a great future ahead of him??

I sit here this morning - full of sadness for the loss of this young man and his family. Britain and the european football world are all in mourning. This death makes no sense at all.

THIS is my livingroom right now. And this is how it is going to stay. I have tried for 3 days to put this furniture together but without the use of my right hand - I can't physically do it. So i am angry. I have a tv stand and side table and a coffee table all in pieces that I can't put together. So I gave up. I can't MAKE my hand suddenly work. The only answer is someone to do it for me. But I have noone. Because I am a mentally ill monster that noone likes. So I have thrown all 3 things to the side and left them - to sit there forever. I just don't care anymore. My life has gotten WAY TOO HARD and the struggle has gotten to me and I just don't care anymore. I will sit in this apartment with my cheap furniture that is thrown in the corner and just forget about it. But I can't forget,... it's all right there in front of me. Reminding me that I am a failure. A crippled gimpy failure that can't do anything for myself anymore. Now when I look at all the pieces - I am just reminded of how useless I am and how I am so hated I can't even ask for help as noone likes me here. Thanks Darren Green. He beat his cat and I called the humane society but the people here choose him and are mad at me - so because I tried to save his cat - I got ostracised. Just another symtem of BPD - getting it wrong when you thought you were doing right. I guess the people here don't mind hanging out with someone who terrorizes his poor little cat. But I want nothing to do with him as I HEARD his rage and I HEARD what he did to that poor little animal. So I am confused and hurt that everyone choose to side with him. But he is the weed man and without him they don't get a good deal on weed. So,... this was all a few years ago and i am still the bad one who people get up and leave when I come out to the gazebo. THEY GET UP AND LEAVE!! So I am confused. What should I have done?????? I thought I did the right thing but now -  am so hated I have noone in this building to ask for help. 

Jacquie is a mentally ill monster that needs to be ostrasized for her own good. Isolation means I can't hurt anyone. But it also means a very lonely life with no help what-so-ever on things I can no longer do.

I don't know what to do with this damn furniture now. I think I will just throw it into my storage unit and forget about furniture altogetrner. I'll just sit in my lawn chair and watch tv as it sits on the ground. 

I think I am a horrible person and I deserve to struggle in this life.

But I am so tired and my heart is hurt from all the hate.

So God? Why would you take the lives of a great footballer but keep me here to suffer???? I don't understand. If noone likes me and I am alone - who would even miss me when I am gone??? NOONE!!!

I feel very defeated and hurt and alone right now. And a failure. I can't even put flat-p-ack furniture together anymore leaving me with wasted money and an empty apartment.

I just want to disappear and die because this is it for me. Life is not going to get better ~ it's only going to get worse,....

But I guess thats only what I deserve.

The mentally ill monster gets what she deserves. My family would be so happy to hear I can't get by and i am struggling becasue they think I have 'made my bed and I should lie in it'. I guess their right.

I deserve to be alone. Becasue I am the mentally ill monster who hurts people and just needs to suffer to pay for it.

Well,... family,... I am paying for it. I am suffering so I hope you atleast get pleasure out of that

The Mentally ill Monster needs to die

 I fucking give up

I’m nothing but a crippled gimp

USELESS 

The fucking mentally ill monster that noone wanted 

Hated and alone

Time to fucking do the world a favour 

and just disappear

Time to admit defeat

I went to bed last night very discouraged. I had faced the fact that I am disabled and cannot do something I use to do quite easily. This realization has left me unsettled. I can't put furniture together anymore. But the biggest problem is I have noone to help me. I am completely alone now and have noone to call. So I am sitting here with my coffee looking at my livingroom and knowing I will never be the 'old Jacquie' ever again. It's a hard pill to swallow that your not capable anymore. It's frustrating.

So now my furniture sits half built. I have no means of finishing it. So I have just put all the parts against the wall and given up. I never thought I would ever say this, but ~ I need a man. A handyman. 

I have been through so much in the past two months and I have run out of steam. I am still grieving my poor little Maggie. Life got so 'real' I didn't have time to grieve her. It is hitting me now just how much I miss her. I have been through homelessness and the trauma of living in a dangerous homeless encampment. I have been through hell,.... But noone seems to care about any of that. Instead, they are upset at my behaviour in trying to survive. Well i can't change that. I did what I did and I apologized for it but I guess that wasn't good enough as I have literally been 'cancelled'. Noone even talks to me anymore. Not even my handful of angels,... all gone now. I am completely alone.

So what the fuck do I do with this half built furniture and more coming I can't put together??? I will end up having to hire someone to come in and put it all together. Waste of precious money all because I have a gimpy arm and hand that no longer works. Where do you even find someone to do this for me??? I am on my knees this morning. I just feel like life is just too hard to live anymore. Too many problems I can't solve alone,... can't take care of myself anymore but have noone to help,... I am feeling very isolated and alone. 

I have been 'cancelled'. I no longer exist to my friends and family. So why the fuck am I here struggling so hard and getting nowhere???? I am still reeling from the trauma of being scammed and my BC fiasco. I have nothing left in me anymore to fight. Every corner I tuen is a problem I cannot fix. And on top of it all,... I don't even bring in enough money to survive. So why am I fighting so hard to start all over again just to lose it all because I didn't have enough to pay rent and survive?

I think it's time to admit defeat. I am alone and hated and not even capable of putting some flat-pack furniture together that I used to do without even thinking. 

Life is too hard. I can't struggle on anymore,....

The world hates me ~ I know because they told me and I listened and decided to do you all a favour and just fuck off,...

I am not needed - nor wanted so why the fuck am I struggling so damn hard just to exist??? 

Time to admit I just can't do it anymore.

Fucking done. I’m nothing but a useless cripple now

 I am sitting here feeling so discouraged. All the new (cheap) furniture I have bought is starting to be delivered. But what I hadn't anticipated is me not being able to put it together. I have lived on my own for 25 years. And I have been doing things for myself for that entire time. I have put more flat-pack furniture together than I know how to count. But things are very different now. This time ~ I have no use of my dominant hand!! I can't hold a screw (I can't feel it so it just falls out of my grasp) I can't tighten with a screwdriver. I have no dexterity or strength to do everything I need to do to put this furniture together. 

Today I got my new tv stand for the livingroom. I got half of it together but realize it's all wonky because I can't tighten anything. I am so frustrated right now I am ready to throw it all in the garbage and just not have furniture. I'll put the damn tv on the floor.

This is a deficit from my car accident I hadn't anticipated. Not being able to do things for myself anymore. I have been trying all afternoon to put this fucking thing together but I just PHYSICALLY cannot do it.

So what do I do now? I don't have anyone in my life who can help. They all hate me. I am on my own and this is one of the consequences of being someone who noone likes. Theres noone to help you do the big things. So I sit here ~ ready to give up. I have tried over and over again to put this thing together and I just dont' have the strength or the dexterity. 

So I am going to just throw the whole damn thing in my storage unit and give up.

I fucking hate being disabled and not being able to do things for myself anymore.

I have more furniture coming and I won't be able to put that together either. So this is it,... this is my life now. Alone and not capable anymore. 

I fucking hate flat-pack furniture and I fucking hate that I am a crippled gimp that can't build it.

So what the fuck do I do now with no furniture and all this money WASTED as I can't do it myself.

THIS is why I fucking hate my life.

I just don't want to bother with this shit anymore.

I'll just sleep on the fucking floor and have no fucking furniture

Do I sound mad?? I'm so fucking mad I jsut want to jump into the gorge and be done with it. At least I'm not too crippled to do that!!!

So this is my life now. Crippled and alone and useless

Don't feel like writing today. Heavy heart,... just feeling like the world hates me and I just need to hide away and not be seen.

If I'm not around people ~ I can't hurt anyone

 

Not a great start to this day

I have been held hostage by deliveries. Not allowed to leave my apartment or I will miss one. I buy almost everything off of Amazon. I don't have a vehicle so I either have to walk or order whatever I need. This used to work great. But lately I have found the quality of service has dropped so badly that I'm not even receiving my orders. I have about four more Amazon orders coming. I woke up this morning to check my tracking and found out the driver was only 4 stops away. Knowing he will just throw it in the lobby as its only 7 in the morning,I thought I would go and sit downstairs and wait so I wouldn't miss him. I sat outside of the lobby where there were chairs.I could see him but he couldn't see me. He drove up to our building in a little car (no Amazon truck) and he took out 3 pkgs. He then proceeded to DUMP them in our lobby without even trying to contact any of us. So I went flying out there before he could drive off and demanded to know why he did that. I told him all 3 would be stolen within 20 minutes had I not seen them. He knew he had been caught and pretended to not know English. If I hadn't seen him actually just dump them ~ he would have got away with it and I would have lost my package. I have two more coming today so I am worried where they will end up. This building is Ontario Housing. It is filled with people who live in poverty. If it's not nailed down ~ it WILL be stolen. I was suppose to receive a package yesterday that never even arrived. I had to call TWICE to find out where it was and it is still out there in the Amazon universe. Now it is telling me I MIGHT get it on July 4th but if I don't to cancel the order and re-order it?????? What? Just find out where the heck it is and deliver it!! I am finding the drivers don't like apartment buildings so they just dump them in the lobby to save time. Do I have to sit in the lobby of my building all day now?

Not a good start to my morning.

However,.... Happy Canada Day!! It is technically a holiday but some things are still open. The weather is gray and overcast and feels humid already. I don't think I will be sitting outside today. I guess I will be hanging out in my unit waiting for deliveries all day.

My cousin (The best cousin in the world!) sent the rest of my luggage back to me yesterday by Purolator. So I will be getting ALL of my belongings back. (yet another delivery to wait for) Something I didn't think would ever happen. I thought they were lost in BC forever. But she went to the hotel I had stayed in and took all my stuff and brought it back to her place to store. Then she shipped it when she had enough money. It cost $500 to get all of it back here. OUCH. But,... needs,... must,... and all that. So I just had to suck it up and pay her as these are the only personal belongings I have left in this world. The pictures of the twins,... photos,... momentos of my life,... all my football gear,... all my clothes,... everything. I am so grateful I am getting it all back. 

I am still feeling really hated. I can't live with myself right now knowing my family actually HATES me. HATE is a very strong word. I try my best in life. I do not purposely try and cause anything. I am just mentally ill and I just seem to fuck up everything I do. And now it has left me completely alone.

When I got home from BC ~ I was literally cancelled. My friends that I had are gone,... B**** left me a note saying no more. I did her in with my homelessness and fentanyl talk. I lost everyone. I was literally CANCELLED. Noone follows me on Facebook anymore,... (really the only media I use) and I have closed my blog up tight for subscribers only. 

I can't tell you how horrible it feels to be so hated. It eats away at my soul knowing my family wants nothing to do with me ever. I will NEVER see my family again and I will NEVER meet my granddaughter. 

What is the point of living now?

So i still am determined to go through MAid for the mental health criteria. I am the perfect candidate. So mentally ill I can't function in life normally. I fuck up so much I am living in severe poverty ~ alone. I am the biggest fuck up to ever be born.

So roll on 2027 when the mental health criteria comes into effect. I will be first in live to be 'put down'. I hate living right now as all I feel is the hatred. And it's really getting to me and I jsut can't bear it anymore.

Can you imagine being so hated you've literally been cancelled and everyone left you. 

I am a mentally ill monster that just needs to die.

All I do is hurt people ~ I just need to die. So I have started isolating again so I can't get close to anyone. I will just hurt them. So instead I will live a life of solitude with noone in it until I can use MAiD to end EVERBODIES suffering. Because it's not just the people I hurt that are suffering,....

I AM SUFFERING. In poverty,... in pain,... in being so hated. It's NOT a nice life to live. And I just don't want to be here anymore.