So I have retreated into my apartment. And I don't go out anymore. The world has changed and I don't like it anymore. I tried living in it but it chewed me up and spit me out. Leaving me exhausted and defeated. I know my life is over - my body just won't co-operate. My mind is now spiralling into insanity. I fought it and fought it but my life being too difficult of a struggle ~ I just couldn't fight anymore.
I don't know it it's an age/generational thing or what,... but I don't like the way the world is right now and I don't wish to be a part of it. Our world has changed from my Leave it to Beaver upbringing in the 1960's and 1970's to what I feel is a world of greedy entitled people who only want fame and money.
Where did real jobs go? It seems that this new generation only live in the world of socail media. There whole existence is displayed in photo after photo after photo of perfection. Their only goal? Likes and follows,... I see a world compleltely different from the one I grew up in and it is not a better life. To me ~ there just isn't any VALUE to life anymore.
In my experience on the internet I have found that their is a whole culture out there that sits behind a keyboard and annonymously instigates. They find entertainment in hurting people verbally. It is a sport to them. And it's rampant! You can't hide from it and I have been hurt numerous times on the internet by complete strangers. I find this in a lot of aspects of life now.
I grew up in a Christian home with good family values and a moral existence. We learned right from wrong. I was taught to respect everyone. To treat others how you would like to be treated yourself. I felt like I grew up in a community that had my back. People weren't out to make your life harder the way I feel it is now. People actually were nice. I enjoyed my baby boomer existence.
To me a fullfilling life was family. It was spending time with loved ones. It was looking after my family. I have spoken before how I am old fashioned and will be condemned for even saying - let alone thinking - that the ideal family unit had a working dad and a stay at home mom that looked after the family. I actually liked these roles. I thrived in this role. I actually think they are wholesome and advantageious to a healthy enviroment. I realize it wasn't the life for everyone - but it was perfect for ME.
I have been thinking very existentially the past few days. World events have forced me to. I don't like this world anymore. I feel people are just ruthless and evil. World leaders are cruel and leaving millions to live in suffering. (North Korea as just ONE example) But overall,... it's all about greed and money and status and fame. To me these are all trappings of evil. They lead to kaos in societies. I feel like the world is on the brink of World War III. The news of Israel and Russia alone are showing devastation in massive measures. INNOCENT people are dying for the greed of leaders.
I know this has been happening around the world since the beginning of time. So I don't know if it is my ideal upbringing that sheltered me from the depravities of life. That left me with a Pollyanna view in my first 20 years of life. This existence kept me sheltered. So it's been there all along. I just didn't see it. The middle class and priviledged (which I used to be) don't see the evil the way we down here do. I think what has happened to change my view is living in a different world than the privildged. Without the benefit of joy and happiness and financial stability,... my life is only misery. And in misery you see the truth.
And the truth - the way I am seeing it now - is that the world is literally immploding. The evil people are taking over. Putin,... Kim Jong Un,.. I mean really horrible individuals in absolute control of helpless people. It's an inhumane atrocity in full sight - but theres nothing anyone can do. Suddenly I see the world for what it really is. And I don't like it ~ I absolutely can't stand it. I don't believe in it. I just see good people used and abused and stepped on and kicked while they are down while the evil people live in luxury.
This world to me has become "Only the fit of the fittest will survive" and I am sadly not one of those. So my life is 100% CONTROLLED. Doug Ford tells me how much I am ALLOWED to get a month. Ontario Housing tells me how I can live with hundreds of unnecessary and stupid rules and regualtions that make my life HARD. Harder than it needs to be,...
And what I take from all of this is that I no longer belong. There is no place for the poor,.. the disadvantaged,... the weak. And that is what I am now.
So I have decided to bow out of life. I have retreated into my apartment and I no longer go out. I pathetically sit in a chair all day long and watch tv. I am bored out of my fucking mind!!!!! I am no use to anyone and no one even realizes I exist. I am in PAIN mentally and physically and want nothing more than to die.
This world is fucked. When you have people like Justin Trudeau and Donald Trump and Putin and Jong running countries - People suffer. And sadly,... I am suffering. Alone. Unwanted. No one even realizes I exist.
I hate what this world has turned into. No values,... no morals,... just everyone out for themselves. What is going to become of a world where this generation only wants to be influencers and famous?? They have admitted they don't want to work "real jobs" They all say they can make a living off of the internet. If thats true I am more out of touch than I realized. Because in the world I grew up in we need farmers and doctors and grocers,... not influencers!
I have seen a lot in my 61 years on this planet. But at this age,... I have just become completely disillusioned with life. I see a world that throws away people in need. I see a world that attacks me verbally from behind a keyboard in anonymity. (cowardly) I see people who are so unhappy in themselves they make my life a misery with gossip and lies. For no other reason than to be nasty. I see a world of EVIL and GREED and SELFISHNESS.
That may not be the real situation. But from where I am sitting,... this is very much the real life to me. Misery,... poverty,... lonliness,... isolation and pain. No joy. No fun. No entertainment at all. Just a struggle even to just get groceries. (which by the way I have given up on and now as it's just too hard so I just eat cereal)
My old friends and family would probobly roll their eyes if they ever read this. They really do think I am just exaggerating and being a drama queen. They have no concept of real poverty and therefore lack the capacity to understand and be compassionate for those who they feel are just exagerating. It couldn't possibly be THAT bad,... so in the end ~ not only did I feel unvalidated and invisable,... I felt like the people I used to have in my life are laughing at me and thinking "What a drama queen,..." and "It looks good on her" or "she deserved it" or "she made all the wrong decisions and therefore it's all her own fault" Whatever they are thinking the general idea is,... It's your own doing so shut up and just be grateful for the little you do have. WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!!!
I feel unvaldiated - invisable and unwanted.
THAT is the world we live in now.
And that just leaves me so despondant I only want to be DEAD now.
But MAiDs is a joke,... and society only comes to help if I threaten suicide. Then everyone comes running. In my life you only get help if you threaten suicide,...
What a fucking joke/
So as you have probobly imagined this is the end of my life. I do plan on ending it. I just had to find the courage. But after this past week I think it's time. I just need to do it.
Just imagine the peace once your gone,....
No hunger,... no rent,... no lonliness,... no pain,.. no isolation,...
The mentally ill monster will be gone,....
Now,... I just need to find the fentanyl. This time,... i wont stop until I'm dead.
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