Hopefully today is my last day on this earth _ Please give me the courage

Both of my blogs are now locked up. "Coffee Confessions" over on Wordpress has been set to private to author. I am hoping that means noone can see it but in the past I have seen times I can still get in to read it even if it is set to private. (??) So I still worry people on that one can still get into it when it's closed. So I made my final entry and have now walked away from it. I wanted to print it out so I could delete the whole thing altogether. But I don't have a printer. I looked into a printing place doing it for me, but it was going to end up being HUNDREDS of dollars. Money that I can't justify spending on printing out a blog. So instead ~ I set it to private and walked away from it. I just hope noone can still read it.

And now there is this blog. This one was always here for my deepest thoughts I never wanted anyone to lay eyes on. So this one was always set to private. It was never intended to be read. But when I had the problems with Darren Green and Tonya Halls using Coffee Confessions for a reference on how to hurt me,... I found I just couldn't write in that one 100% freely anymore. Knowing they were going to be reading it caused me to hold back. So it started losing it's purpose which was to help me get things off my chest so I could begin my day refreshed. I couldn't write what I really needed to write so the 'therapy' aspect was being lost. I wrote in that blog for 14 years. Thats a big chunk of my life. But it wasn't private anymore. So it became a weapon for others ~ rather than a haven for me. Coffee Confessions is no longer mine and mine alone. The day people who live in my building found it - it was ruined. Tainted,... So now I am moving over to this one to write in.   

And closing that blog is the end of my life. I will tell you why. In my world I am alone. Isolated. So my blog was the only window to the outside world I had. Because I felt so defeated with life and harrassed by the people in this building, I chose instead to shut my door and lock it and hibernate away inside where I felt safe. The absolute ONLY place I feel safe. Locked in my unit. So i don't see anyone anymore. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I have no human contact at all anymore. My blog was the only sliver open for me to see out and for others to know I exist. But now that blog is closed and so is my window to the world. I am now in complete darkness.

And in my isolation I can feel myself going insane. I mean literally losing my mind. I can feel myself spiralling into a place where I know I will never recover. Over the past five years I have slowly lost my spirit. My body drained of any posititivity. Just poverty and pain now. 

I have talked before about the severe effects of complete isolation. And right now I am feeling every one of those things. A person needs some form of human contact to thrive. I have none. I am alone. And the feeling of KNOWING that you are alone and people COULD be there - but aren't - is so loaded a thought that it renders me suicidal.

YOU ARE NOT A PERSON PEOPLE CARE ABOUT. You are not wanted,... you are a burden ~  people want nothing to do with you. I am a defect,... and right now I am realy feeling this. 

I am so depressed and despondant that all I can think about is killing myself. How?,.. Will it work?... will I die?... or will it fail and I will be punished by being thrown back into the looney bin? Half of my fear of actually doing it is the pain,... The other half is the fear of failure. Not dying and ending up in Homewood once again. To me,... Homewood is WORSE than death and therefore the fear of it has me hesitant to actually do the physical deed. Of course the pain is a factor, but the fear of failure is the main reason for my delay in doing it. 

It's my fear that stops me. I have the scalpel. I know what I need to do. I just need the courage to actually do it. And this is where I am right now. Sitting here ~ despondant ~ trying to will myself to pick up that scalpel and slice my throat. But this is a violent act. In my heart I am not a violent person. The act of physically slicing my neck is terrifying. I am having a hard time doing it. 

But make no mistake,... It is the ONLY answer for me now. The mental anguish I suffer everyday is unbearable now. I don't type this for attention as I know I have locked this blog up tight and NOONE will ever read this now. So I don't write for attention or to be drama queen. Infact I resent everyone who sees my pain on this blog and then scoffs saying I'm just a drama queen. It begs the question,...  "What do I need to do to get people to see and understand that my life is now unbearable without looking like a drama queen?" It doesn't matter HOW I say it - it's taken as a joke.  I have written about it in my blog for YEARS but I don't think I have ever been taken seriously. I am just a drama queen looking for attention. I am a joke to my family and this society.

There is no reason for me to be here anymore. I just sit here suffering day after day after day in complete isolation. I can't even get out for groceries anymore,... I'm pathetic.

So now I will write in this blog ~ completely private with absolutely no one ever reading it ~ until I can fianlly bring myself to pick up that scalpel and slice my throat until I bleed out and die. It's going to be so truamatizing and painful. It's definitely NOT how I want to go. But I just feel invisable to this world and don't have what I need to survive. The world has become too expensive for me. I have been priced out of living.

So today is suicide day. With any luck and any empathy from the world ~ I will end my life today.

And finally have my PEACE.

I'm sorry I was ever fucking born,...