I live in isolation now. I don't talk to people anymore. Instead I hide away inside my unit. The world has turned into a hostile enviromant and I dont' like it. So I hibernate inside - alone. But being alone 24/7 has it's drawbacks. And the one thing I am struggling with the most is my mental health. I can feel myself slipping,... I don't think I will be recovering from this.
One of the downfalls of being on your own all the time is you get no perspective anymore. I can't explain this other than to say what I see and hear in the world I don't know if it's real. With the introduction to AI on the internet ~ you can't trust what you see anymore. But not actually living in the world anymore, it leaves me feeling on the outside looking in. So when I watch what is happening on the news it effects me very deeply. But depending on the source (and I have learned MOST are not realiable) you have to guess whether it seems real or faked. It's unsettling. I once came across a video of a toddler in a war scene that made me instantly cry in horror. To this day,... I don't know if that image was real or invented by AI. Either way it was traumatizing. So i stopped watching a lot of the news.
But my day is nothing BUT watching tv. And a lot of what I watch is on YouTube. I have a love-hate relationship with this app. The depravity and immorality and just downright nastiness that is on it leaves me disillousioned with humanity. I realize a lot is fake. But here lies the problem. I now live in a world where I can't trust what I see or hear anymore on the tv. I try to use common sense and the sorce of the news to decide for myself what is real and what is fake news. I never dreamed I would live to see a day when the media became something FAKE. The term "fake news" is a new term for me just in the past 10 years or so and in experience it was usually political news. So I get conflicted a lot watching what is going on in the world right now.
Two situations are dominating the headlines. The war,... and Diddy. The first has not been offically declared yet. but in my own opinion I believe World War Three started yesterday. October 3rd 2024. The missiles and bombs used in Israel and Russia are new. Deadlier,.. more destructive than ever seen before. The depravity of those at the top of the countries using this weapondry is unheard of in history. Only Hitler comes close to what we are seeing today in the new modern wars. But the difference between the wars now and the wars of the past is you don't know what to believe is real right now. This leaves me feeling unsettled. I feel in my gut we have started World War 111. And it scares me. Becasue the weapons used now are far more reaching causing so much more damage and death. The war is ruthless and brutal. We WILL see nuclear activity in the next year. This terrifies me.
The other situation in the news is this Diddy shit. I am so sick of seeing Diddy,... Diddy,... Diddy,... He was an evil person and needs to be hidden away and punished. But instead this society just cannot get enough of the evil deeds this man ~ and as we are still learning other high level people ~ literally using people as their sexual play toys and then throwing them away. HORRIBLE. And as I type this the story is continuing to grow to a level that seems to have it's on enegy. This story is BIG. And it sounds like it is going to take down a lot of folk in the celebrity world. I am not going to harp on who and what,... becasue I bring up this story is for one reason only,...
The world owes Justin Bieber an apology. I was never a fan of this kid. Infact, during his troubled years I actually thought of him as a rich entitled punk. Now the world knows,... My first instinct as a Canadian Mother was to hunt this kid down and give him a hug and tell him to come home to Canada. Come back home so we can protect you and allow you the time to heal in privacy. I, myself, feel terrible for believing the shit you read. It has been a lesson to me (and indeed the world I think) how Hollywood and the music industry has duped us for so long. And HURT so many people,... but the one that effects me the most is Justin Bieber. He was born and raised here in Ontario Canada. I have driven by his compound where he has a beautiful home on a lake. I'm sure it's puplic knowledge where but for his protection I will just say Ontario. This poor man needs VALIDATION that the world did not listen and we were WRONG. This thing that Justin was forced into will traumatize him for the rest of his life. I don't care how rich he is and how many luxeries he has,... that does not compensate for the hell this CHILD went through at the hands of MULTIPLE monsters. AND IT HAPPENED RIGHT UNDER THE NOSE OF EVERYONE!!! We should all be ashamed. I know I feel terrible. For him and all the victims.
But these things just make me wonder what the hell is going on in our world right now? So much depravity. So much greed and control and abuse,... end the Canadian Government is not immune. Our parliamnet is crumbling presently due to the Liberals corruption.
ALL of these things have left me so disillusioned with life. I don't like life right now. I don't like what is happening to our world and the innocent people in it. This is going to sound crazy. But I just can't help think innocent people are being controlled by evil people in governments. I am one myself who is suffering in poverty due to the lack of priorities in the Canadian and Ontario Government. I lack basic needs and now I am finding out all the wasted money our government had but spent elsewhere leaving the homeless and poverty ridden back on the bottom struggling terribly. I know becasue I AM ONE OF THEM. And seeing now in the past few days how the government COULD have given us more but instead greased the palms of the companies they have shares in. Spending billions of tax payers money. MY tax dollars,... and who gained? Not me. Thats for damn sure.
So you see,... all of this along with no family and living with severe pain, has just left me empty. I feel no positivity at all. I have no future,... as once this insurance money stops I will be living on under $900 a month which as everyone knows is IMMPOSSIBLE. Rent starts at nearly double that. So I am fucked.
No future,... no present life to speak of. So why am I here? Biggest question of the day. The answer is I shouldn't be. I should have died 5 years ago the day I went on ODSP (Ontario Disability). There rules and regulations kept me so poor I could barely get by,... even Ontario Housing didn't help. If I had known back then what I would go through living here I never would have moved in. The peopel here have triggered my mental health to the point I no longer leave my apartment. Instead I hide. That is not a life,... so really,... in hindsight,... I should have killed myself five years ago. All I've done since then is fall furthur and furthur into povery. It certainly hasn't been any kind of life. It's been nothing but a struggle.
So having concluded all this,... nothing is more important to me than dying now.
The only thing that would save me now is the thing that ALWAYS would have saved me - my children and my grandchild. Without them there never was a life to begin with.
It's sad my life was such a failure. It is with a huge regret I apologize to my children for ruining their lives. All I can say to this is "I really did try my best with what I had,..." I know it doens't make up for anything but I really, really did try. I just never knew what anyone ever wanted and always got it wrong. I jsut didn't know how to fit in. I'm so sorry. I'm not saying this to be dramatic but it really is how I truly feel. I really do wish I had never ever been born,...
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