Another holiday alone

It is the Canadian long week-end. Thanksgiving. But just like every other holiday - I will be alone. I cannot put into words the absolute feeling of being totally unwanted. It eats away at my soul,...

And while I sit here trying to pretend it is just another day,... all I can smell is the cooking of other peoples feast. Turkey with all the trimmings,... my mouth is literally salivating. As I know I will be having what I always have - a hamburger. Same as yesterday - and probobly have again tomorrow,... I can't afford food so I just life off of hamburgers and chicken thigh on a bun. It's pathetic.

But what has me feeling suicidal is the fact that eveyone who knows me knows I spend holidays alone. And yet,... not one person picked up the phone to ask if I wanted to join them. Not my daughters,... not John my cousin,... not any family. Because my family thinks I am a mentally ill annoyance. 

So today I sit here knowing that everyone knows I am alone - but no one wanted me.

Hayley was the one who finally got it through my thick head that I am an unwanted unlovable mentally illl monster. No one wants me in their life. I am too much of a monster.

So here I sit on yet another holiday alone - but this time I just don't care. I am so depressed and so suicidal I just don't care.

Today is just another day for me. Alone,... isolated,... and in pain so I can't do anything,....

Maybe I should write a book and call it "The soul that noone wanted"

You know I ended my blog in a way that was abrupt due to outisde people using it to hurt me. And I definitely left it that I was suicidal and wanted to end my life.

Did anyone even check on me? No,... becasue I am a joke to people. Infact I'm sure all the readers were laughing at me. Just do it lady,... you've talked about it forever,... just do it. I think in the end my blog was just a curiousity to the readers on whether i really would commit suicide or if I was just a coward who couldn't do it. But either way,... not one of them actually cared enough to come and check on me. The last day I wrote in that blog was the end of September. It is now half way thorugh October and there has been nothing but crickets,... that tells me I am just a joke to society and no one actually gives a shit whether i live or die. I am jsut a fucking mentally ill joke to everyone.

So I went into my aprartment and shut the door and I have stayed there. Completely isloated and hurt,... so hurt I never want anyone in my life ever again. I instead choose death. If I had actually gone through with it  when I said I would - I would be dead in my apartment here still unfound. THAT is how isolated and alone I am. Noone would even notice I am gone.

What a fucking joke I am to this world.

So today,... I am left so disillusioned with society. 

Please,.... PLEASE let me find the courage to kill myself today.

I can't bear one more minute of this miserable life.

I am an unwanted mentally ill MONSTER! 

And in the end,... all I ever wanted was to be loved,...

What a beautiful day. Sunny,... gorgeous,... perfect day to DIE!!!!!