All of my life I have denied it. Pushed it down to the very bottom of my soul. But now I can't denie it anymore. And over the past month I have come to the horrible realization that I am not a likable person. I can't tell you exactly why because I am not fully understanding myself. But the bottom line is I seem to just annoy people. I must say and do the wrong things. A person can 'feel' when they aren't wanted. Even the nicest and politest people in the world give off a 'stay away at arms length to me' vibe. They smile and politely chat with you but noone ever wants to actually do anything with you.

I can remember two times I felt this and ignored that it was 'me' who was the problem. but now I can see with such clarity it is humiliating and embarrassing that I could not see it myself.

Both times were with family. First my cousin Sandy who I really like. She actually looks like me and we are only 3 weeks apart. I only met her in my teens after my adoptive mother Joan got in touch with her Mom (My Aunt Betty) to tell them of me. We met up (Her, her sister and her mom) but then didn't communicate for years. So there was no real relationship with her. But after meeting my Aunt Doreen years later, who Sandy was close to,... we struck up a relationship again. Doreen was my birth mothers sister and Sandy is my birth Uncles daughter - making her my cousin. But we didn't grow up together as I was taken out of the family home and put into care and then eventually adopted by the Morgans where I lost all contact with anyone from the Holyoak family. So it was always them already and me the newcomer. And I felt that. My Aunt Doreen was so warm and kind and loving,... to this day it devastated me that she dissed me. 

With Sandy,... I remember trying to rope her down to a day to get together. I missed my family and wanted to spend TIME with them. But I found they were always "yeah, yeah,... for sure we'll get together,... call me,..." but when i called they were always busy. So one time I got kind of offended and pushed Sandy. I just asked again,... listen how about this date?? And I picked a date a month in the future. She hesitated. And THAT was when i knew she didn't actually want to. I pushed one more time just to make sure. I literally forced her to give me an anser. WHEN should we get together? Lets pick a date and time now,... but she wouldnt. So I just pretended all was ok but knew Sandy didn't like me. She was just being polite. So I let her go and never contacted her again and surprize surprize she never contacted me either. She never ever wanted to in the first place.

With my aunt Doreen it was the same. She texted me one night and I said don't text,... I'm up nad awake just phone me. But she wouldn't (??) I was confused as to why. She was happy to text but refused to speak on the phone. I did what I did with Sandy with her,... I pushed. I called HER,.... and she didn't answer. So I texted ??? back. I tried phoning again and she picked up and she was drunk. I was a bit pissed as she had made it look like I was just not wanted by her and she just didn't want to talk to me. but in the end she was hiding her secret alcoholism. She was too drunk to talk. I could hear the slurring and sloppy speach. But THIS isn't what annoyed me. I was an open book to her yet she hid this problem. Her daughter had already told me so i alaready knew. But for her not to trust me and just end the relationship becasue I caught her addiction. I had an addiction so I dont' know why she couldn't share hers with me. I woudlnt' have cared at all. She is my Aunt Doreen and I loved her to bits. Alcoholic or not. For her to openly not anser the phone really hurt me. And I lost it and told her never o bother contacting me again and she never has. THAT hurt too,... as I figured that maybe in the morning she would have texted back when she was sober. But I never heard from her again. And that told me - I wasn't worth it to her. I wasn't worht the conversation to fix it. We have never had a relationship since that day. It broke my heart. Now back then,... I blamed her. But today I see it is really me. I pushed her too hard because I was hurt and I lost her. And with her,... I lost her family. 

So you see,... I seem to lose everyone and everything because I am so different. People can't seem to understand me or more importantly ~ like me. And over the years I have to confess that I don't understand them either. I just can't seem to fit in with anyone - anywhere. 

And over the past month I have finally seen this. I AM THE ONE who is different and unwanted and unliked. I AM THE ONE,.... ME.

It has been so devastating to learn this truth. To the point I can't even look in the mirror at myself right now. I actually hate myself. HATE MYSELF. 

I think the biggest gift I can give my children now is to just stay away. Give them a life of peace without me in it. So now I know I will never see my children or my grandchild ever again. becasue I don't want to now. I know I only hurt them so I need to let them go and let them live a life they can enjoy. I love my children and the biggest regret I have in life is being their Mom. I wished they had never even been born. I wished I had never even had children. if I had known how mentally ill I was,... I would never have had children in the first place. I would have stopped the lineage right there. Becasue being mentally ill is so very painful. Being ostracized and judged and knowing you are the one they don't like is actually hard to live with, It's a very heavy burden to carry.

Today marks 30 days in my self exile. I can't cope with the outside world right now so I have opted out of it. I have locked my door and closed up all my social media. I even put both my blogs on completely private for NOONE to ever read again. Writing about this realization is painful enough. i don't need the likes of Tonya Halls and Darren Green using it to kick me when i'm at my lowest. They have both already read this blog and know and HAVE used it to hurt me so now I know I can't trust ONE LIVING SOUL on this planet. I need to close these blogs up tight and disappear from life. I feel so hated and unwanted and invisable,...

And I don't know how to cope with that,... so instead I sit here hating myself. Hoping to find the courage to end my life. I am not saying this to feel sorry for myself or to be a drama queen. I say this becasue it is just a fact,... the world doens't need Jacqueline Rose Holyoak. And ending my life would just be advantageious to everyone concerned. My girls can end a chapter they didn't want open in the first place. Now the door is closed. I am gone,... and they can move on.

I am so invisable anyway,... it will be days, if not weeks, before my body is found anyway. Noone will notice I am no longer around becasue I am already a recluse who hides away. Locking my front door and closing my social media makes me feel safer. I just feel this overwhelming need to disasppear from society. To stay away from everyone. Especially the ones I love.

So today I sit here with my scalpel beside me. Maybe today I will find the courage to disappear,...