Still throwing my life away

I have never before been so determined to erase my life. I hate myself so much I can't even bear being alive. I am planning my death.

I have already thrown away most of my apartment. And this morning, I deleted over a thousand photos on my laptop that I have had saved for years. But they are pictures of my family and better times. And after knowing just how much I am a burden to this family,... I now can't bear to look at these photos. They only bring me pain. So now they are all gone,....

I deleted so much of my life off of my computer today. now,... there is just the bare necessities. 

I have been looking up motels in Guelph. I need to find one by a bus or train station as I know that is where the trail to find fentanyl will begin. I have been making plans,... 

The hatred of myself has taken over. I have seen myself the way others do now. I am a monster. And I just need to disappear. And the plans are definitely in motion now for me to do that. I will not be discussing them on here for fear of yet another person calling the police and trying to "save me" (really folks what are you saving me for?????). 

I am using the money I had saved for my death and burial. But now I think,... fuck that,... I don't care if I have a funeral or not. No one will come so just save your damn money. Now i am taking that money and using it for a motel and fentanyl.

I have never before been so determined to die. I WILL succeed this time because this time I know no one likes me. That is now a fact.

So fuck you world,.... I tried but apparently I failed miserably so I am now just a mentally ill loser that will do what I need to do to remove this burden from this world.

Bye bye,.... I can't fucking stand this world another minute and I refuse to suffer any longer,....

So thanks for the rejection,... and the hatred people,... I can't tell you how comforting that was - NOT!

I felt a leper all my life and hated and unwanted. My fault for being a fucking monster.

But no worries folk,... I will disappear and no one will ever have to be annoyed by me again,....

Been a slice but I'm fucking done.

Motel,... money,... fentanyl,... 3 things that will help me finally die.

When you know you are so hated ~ you just don't give a shit anymore. You are a loser nobody,...

A loser  mentally ill monster that just needs to DIE!