Every morning that I wake up I have to fight off feelings of anxiety. My situation has come down to me becoming a recluse from society and with that ~ comes a lot of negative feelings. And one that I have been trying to cope with is panic. For months now I have been getting these bouts where I feel like I am just entering a panic attack. My chest feels heavy. Breathing is slightly laboured but not in a "I'm having a medical emergency way". Just a feeling of heaviness. Almost like a forboding. A feeling of impending,... ??? What? I don't know. Just a feeling that something is going to happen. A negative thing is going to happen. Is this paranoia? I mean I suppose it could be but my gut feeling tells me no. It is a physical thing going on. Some bouts of chest heaviness,... a slight shortness of breath,... and heart palpatations. It only lasts for under a minute. My gut is saying this is not a foreboding of a heart attack or some other fatal event. For some reason this is more of a "what the hell is going to happen to me" feeling. And that leaves me having symptoms of panic. Like noone even knows I'm alive anymore and I am completely on my own and can't take care of myself anymore. WAHT is going to happen to me now?? I don't know and it leaves me in obvious turmoil. And that manisfests into panic.
As I type this my chest is so heavy. I have been checking my blood pressure every hour but it is sitting at (my) normal 160'ish over 110. Not ideal but normal for me. Which is why I am lead to believe this is not a medical issue but a mental one.
I have been sequestered now for 31 days. (Since the last day of Septmeber) I have only come out for about 5 minutes every day to take the garbage out and collect my mail. Other than that I am holed up in here alone.
Right now I am desperate for groceries. But this issue I am having with my chest and heart is leaving me feeling weak. I have to walk to Walmart with my walker and bring the groceries home that way. It was okay for awhile doing it this way, but now I feel too weak to do this anymore. I just don't feel confident that I can do it. But this now leaves me with an empty fridge and pantry. I can order from Walmart but that always ends badly. I hate paying the "double dipping" delivery charge that always ends up between $15 and $20 dollars. Apparently they have to pay both the shelf picker who gets my groceries and packs it as well as the driver. But becasue they outsource their deliveries to doordash,... you have to pay them too. So delivery becomes a burden I can't carry. But desperation always leaves me using them anyway. I also have had problems with them dumping three boxes of kitty litter outside my door all bashed up with a trail of litter all the way to their vehicle outside. I lost half the litter on the ground! Delivery drivers should be equipt with dollies and other devices to carry the heavy and awkward items like kitty litter. But they don't. They have some kid in a honda who drags 12 bags up three stories in one load destroying the delicate groceries. So I use Walmart only in desperation. And right now I am desperate.
But part of me if thinking why not just NOT order groceries at all. Maybe just live like a 1940's war front widow living on tea and toast. If getting groceries is this hard?? I am so tired and depressed that just the thought of going out to get food leaves me exhausted. i would rather just live off milk and cereal from here on in.
Cooking has become a hardship too. Because of my fibromyalgia standing can become painful. it's why I use my walker. I can actually walk pretty good. What I can't do is stand. I need to sit once I stop walking. Holding my body up is painful. So cooking is rare for me. It is just too much work now. I really do need to be in an enviroment where someone does my chores for me now. I CAN do them. They just wear me out and leave me exhausted and in pain. So I am getting to the point where I am starting to wonder if eating is even worth it. I have already trained my body to eat only two meals a day. I have done this for about 5 years now. You can shrink your stomach as I have done it. Not on purpose,... but over time just eating two meals a day has shrunk my stomach. I can't eat a "real" meal anymore. It is too much. My meals are only one thing - not a meat potatoe veg plate but instead one piece of chicken and that is all. Or one meat pie with nothing else. So over the years I have eaten much smaller amounts (to save money and help the budget stretch) and cut down on how often I eat. It has been shown that people have lived off of tea and toast. So maybe I will just give up the luxury of food. And just live like a homefront war widow in 1940's England. It just seems easier than having to drag groceries home on a walker,...
I'm just too tired for that anymore.
I just feel like every year I sink lower and lower into this poverty. Leaving me with a horrible feeling of why bother and whats the fucking point of suffering
I am living in a limbo of rotting away in poverty and I'm now too tired to cope,...
I am at a loss of what to do about this so it leaves me with a feeling of panic I cant seem to control.
My God,.... you made a terrible mistake in making me. I wasn't worth it. I made absolutely NO difference to this world except to be toxic and hurt people. You made a horrible being and I should never have been allowed to be born in the first place.
But here I am,... exhausted and hungry. But I can't leave my apartment to get anything.
Panic is rising,...
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