I am ending chapter one of "Living in my black fog" I think I have had a break down of sorts. This past year left me broken,... and I have shut down. I feel like my whole life has been a lie. I thought my life was one way,... only to discover it has all been a lie. And I have been forced to see that I am not a person who is liked. And this has shook my foundation to the core leaving me feeling weak and fragmented and broken. I am spiralling into madness.
This blog will be my last days
There was a haunting, if not disturbing, documentary made in 2016 called "God knows where I am". It tells the story of Linda Bishop. A woman who descended into her own madness. It is a film of great beauty and tenderness. The first time I saw this doc I was left feeling unsettled. Because not only did this poor woman go through such suffering because of her mental illness, but also because I could recognize so much of myself in this woman!
Synopsis of documentary:
The body of a homeless woman is found in an abandoned farmhouse, and a diary documenting a journey of starvation and the loss of sanity lies next to the body. For nearly four months, Linda Bishop, a prisoner of her own mind, survived on apples and rain water during one of the coldest winters on record. As her story unfolds from different perspectives, we learn about our systemic failure to protect those who cannot protect themselves.
I have been feeling very much like I need to get away from everyone. No one understands my anguish I have been suffering. I, too,... have a terrible fear of mental institutions. I will do ANYTHING just to avoid going back in one. Even if it means hiding away inside my aprtment like Linda Bishops farmhouse. Isolated and descending into madness,...
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