It's October 31st ~ Halloween. Just another day to me. I already have a built in costume. Poverty ridden haggard old woman,... I wont be going out today. I will be staying inside as usual.

I have no schedule anymore. I dont' have days and nights anymore. I sleep for three hours here and four hours there. Like your pet. But I dont' have a 'night-time' anymore. This is becasue when you dont' do anything but watch tv all day,... you get lazy and sleepy. So you keep falling asleep. Sometimes when i get like that I get up and do cleaning. But theres only so much to clean in that 16 to 18 hour day. 

Let me just say the having nothing to do is driving me into madness. 

I am still very upset about this Uncle Julian thing. I can't tell you how excited I was to hear from him, Even if he just accepted my years old friend request. But after looking into everything it was a hoax. That really upset me as why reach out to me in the first place if just to leave me hanging wondering? That to me is just playing HEAD GAMES. So I have come to the conclusion that it was all someone playing head games with me. So it never really was my Uncle. Just some person using his very old abandoned account to ???? what? Why would anyone do that? So there is no Uncle Julian. I still don't know if he is alive or dead. He was an actor in California for years but have no idea if he is in the US or Canada. his trail runs cold in 2011. So imagine the hurt that someone decided to use his account to pretend he was alive by accepting my friend request but then NOTHING. Just wanting to upset and hurt people. HEAD GAMES. 

I have no one in my life so finding Julian was so exciting. But again I was let down,...

If you look in my phone at my texts. You will see they are all business or scam but never personal. The only friend I have is Becky and we communicate a few times a year. I have NO OTHER FRIENDS even in my phone list. The other people who text just want something from me. Housing,... ODSP,... or scammers. I get scammers every day. 

When noone is interested in you except for negative reasons. It hurts. I am trying to work up the courage to delete Michelle and Hayley from my phone. michelle has blocked me anyway but atleast i still have her phone number. Hayley hasn't blocked me but it's clear I have no more relationship with them anymore. I can't help thinking it would be healthier for me to just delete them right off of my phone. Becasue seeing their names everyday is painful. Maybe I need to make a consious decdicion to permanantly cut them off. That way there is never an expectation or hope that things will get better. i think deleting them tells my brain it's over. Let them go and move on. THEY know where you live and if they want you THEY can now reach out. But right now seeing their names in my phone is just a reminder I am a failure and they dont' like me or want me in their life. 

Delting them is just a fianl goodbye. No more hope. Because hope is soul destorying. It never ends up in my favour,... 

I can't face them or anyone anymore. So as of today ~ I have consciously let Michelle and Hayley go,... They are free.

And now my hope is gone.

So I am back to day 32 of my self exile from life. Sequestering myself away inside my unit. I only go out to get the mail and take the garbage out now. And last night I thought I would do that at 2:30am. I thought everyone will be asleep and it will be safe for me to go out and do a few laps in the hall to try and expend some of this pent up anxiety i can't seem to shift. But on my first lap just as I was rounding the bend in the hall - i heard Darrens door start to open. Running into Darren is not on the cards for me so I happened to be at the garbage room so I pretended I was bringing my garbage out and went in there. As soon as he saw me he right away went back inside and shut his door. HE CAN'T FACE ME. He knows what he has done to me is wrong and nasty and he can't face me. I avoid him just to avoid drama. But when he sees me he runs away like a rat,... he knows he is a little shit that has caused me no end of drama. COWARD. So I can't even go out of my apartment in the middle of the night now as I still run into that damn kid. During the day it's Tonya and during the night it's Darren,... so i just avoid them both by never coming out of my apartment. It just isn't worth the agravation with those two,...

I have decided to give up on groceries too. it's just too damn hard to get them. I have lived off of milk and cereal before and I can do it again. 

The chores of day to day living and surviving are just too hard for me now and I give up.

I give up

I give up

I give up

I will just sit here rotting waiting to die 

Wow,... what a waste of a life I am,.....