I have woken up with a headache. Nothing bad. Just a dull pain. It's probobly stress. I have also woken up unsettled again. I seem to wake up agitated every morning now. I think it's all the pent up frustration that is inside of me not having a release. The only release I seem to have is writing it all down. That used to help a lot. Once purged it was gone and I could go on abour my day. But for the past few months even writing isn't helping. And I have been waking up in state of agitation. I have to sit quietly and drink my coffee and vape my weed for a good hour before I feel the least bit calm and normal. And today,... even after two hours,... I am still in a state of agitation right now. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. Like I am just about to go into a panic attack. My stomach is tight,... like someone is squeezing my guts. I have the subway train feeling again too. For my whole adult life one of the symptoms of my mental illness has been this vibrating feeling in my body. I can't think of a good way to describe it so the best way I can try is to say that it feels like I have a subway driving through my veins. My whole body 'vibrates'. It's odd and very uncomfortable. But the scary thing is I usually get this feeling for a bit right before a breakdown. I know I am heading for a breakdown,... I can feel it. I can feel my body shutting down and giving up. And now the vibrating just tells me I'm getting worse.

Living in my body is not easy. Between the pain of the Fibromyalgia and the symptoms of mental illness,... I struggle,...

Every single day of my life is a struggle. 

I really do hate being so alone. 

And I really hate being alive,....