I am a monster.
Now I can see why I was 'tolerated'. I was an obligation to people. (She's my child,... she's my wife,... she's my sister,... my mother,... so I HAVE TO!) They were just being polite letting me be in whatever group I was at. I was never the first invited,... I was always the "I guess we have to let her come,..." person. I didn't see it until now. I honestly did not see it until Hayley told me. And now that I do see it,... I am so humiliated and embarrassed I will never leave this apartment again except to do the 3 chores I have to do. Get mail,... take out the garbage and do laundry. But those will be the only times I will ever leave this prison. I now see me like the rest of the world does. And I am humiliated,...
I can't say exactly why people don't like me. Because I do try. I realize I have been miserable for the past two or three years and my behaviour has reflected that. Over this time I have become resentful and jaded with life. I have gone beyond caring and my behaviour reflects that. But before that,... I really tried. I REALLY DID TRY.
I've always known I am different. But I was on 'the cusp' of normalacy. I was 'normal' enough to fake it to get by,... but not normal enough to fit in and be wanted and thrive. I wasn't the outcast that some peope are sadly reduced to in this life. I was 'normal' enough to fly under the radar. I could function,... and make a life for myself. But it was a khaotic and trauma filled existence. My mental illness was my downfall. I could hold it together for some periods of time,... but then would always crash. And being on my own,... I had no help and had to deal alone. It was not easy.
And now that I have had a lot of time to think about this, it has totally shaken my whole foundation. I am not the person I have always believed I was.
Instead I see the truth with such painful clarity,... I can't bear to look anyone in the eye. I am a monster. I am so embarrassed that I exist. I didn't know I was so awful. I didn't know I was hurting people. I was just trying,.... just trying,... but I got it so wrong.
I still don't know what it is people want from me. I try,.. I try,... I try,... but everything I do is wrong. I just make the wrong choices,... the wrong decisions,... and it shows how stupid and unintelligent I am. I really am not a very smart person. I am sure my IQ is quite low. It has been a deficit for me all my life. I tried to hide I was stupid,... but there is a saying "You can't hide stupid,..." and I am proof of that.
How did i become such a failure and so unwanted??? in the end it doens't matter does it? I just have to face the fact that I am a failure. Noone wants me in their life because I am an annoying cunt that people don't want around. I didn't see it for so long,... but now I do. I am an annoying cunt. A mentally ill monster that destroys every life I touch.
I get it now. I see it now.
But this leaves me despondant. Becasue now,... not only am I sad and angry about my pain and poverty,... but now I am feeling so stupid. Becasue now I see I DESERVE this life. I always have. So instead of killing myself,... I am going to live a long and painful and empty life alone. Becasue thats what I deserve.
Becasue Jacquie Rose Holyoak is a mentally ill monster that doesn't deserve to breath,....
I deserve to be punished. And living this life is definitely a punishment. Before,... I thought I was being treated unfairly. But now,... I see it is just the punishment that has been given to me for being such an annoying cunt to people all their lives.
So I will take my punishemnt and sit here in the dark every day. Suffering,... becasue I deserve it. I am a mentally ill monster and I deserve NOTHING! Except to suffer for destroying my childrens lives.
YOU ARE NOTHING Jacquie,... You are lower than the lowest of the low and you deserve to suffer,....
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