It is Wednesday October 16th 2024. I have not talked to a human being for 16 days except to say Thank you to Becky when she dropped off a Thanksgiving dinner to me on Monday. But even that was just a one minute hand off. She hugged me and got back into the car and left. I bet you not more than 25 words were exchanged. It actually felt odd seeing and touching another human being. I have been isolated away for so long now. Sixteen days since I started this self exhile. If you dont' think that is a big deal I challenge you to not see or talk to another person while isolating in your home or apartment. There is a reason prisons use isolation as punishment. It messes with your head! My life before this self exile was already lonely but at least I still said hello to folk in the hall. Now I purposely avoid eye contact and just walk by. I dont' want to talk to anyone,...

I can feel myself sliding into madness now. I am deteriorating. 

No human touch,...

No human interaction at all,...

Just me and my own thoughts. Horrifying. Overwhelming. 

I don't open the curtains and blinds anymore. It is just a reminder that there is a world out there that doesn't want me. better to keep everything closed. if I cna't see the outside world then i can pretend it doesn't exist. If I hide inside here - no one can hurt me. No human contact = no drama. 

This mentally ill monster is hiding away now. I don't want to see the world anymore,... I just want to be left alone now. No one can tell me how bad I am if I don't see anyone. I don't answer the door or the phone or texts anymore. but heres the joke,... no one comes to my door,... no one calls my phone,... no one texts anymore. no one wants to because I am a monster.

So I stay away. Protect my children by not being in their lives. I can't hurt them if I dont see or communicate with them. I will just act like I am DEAD to them. Then they no longer have to feel so abused by me. I will pretend I am DEAD. Michelle and Hayley no longer have a Mother anymore. She is dead. She is gone like she never even existed at all. 

Have a happy life children,... I am walking out and letting you live.

Bye bye children,... I love you both but I cna't bear the rejection so I am pretending you don't exist and I never even had children in the first place. In short,... I am re-writing my history. From now on I am a childless woman who is mentally ill and doesn't deserve them. 

bye bye children. I have to let you go to save my sanity. Longing for you in my life is KILLING ME. So I have to pretend you were never even born.

You can't miss what never existed. And missing my children has been devasting so I have to let them go,...

Happy Birthday Hayley - 30 in two days. But I will not be there to celebrate this milestone with you. Instead i will try and forget. becasue knowing you are celebrating but I am not invited is just too hard to bear. I will pretend you never existed,... and then I can't be tormented by your rejection. It's not right,... but it's the only thing I feel I can do to stay sane. 

Never married,.... Never had children,... I am now a lone soul in life just waiting to die.

How humbling to learn you are a monster that destroys peoples lives.

So humbling and so very painful. I don't think I can even bear to know this truth. 

No one wanted me because I behave like a monster.

I AM a MONSTER!

And I just need to stay away from everyone in this world now.