I need to write,... I am in such turmoil. But as I sit here I just can't get started. This is unusual for me. Most times I open this blog my hands can't wait to get typing. Words are jumbling around in my head eager to get out. I don't even have to think. The words just come out. But today,... I feel different. I think I am actually starting to feel a deep depression now. I have no desire to leave this apartment. I have no desire to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone to die.
I am preparing for the winter. I received a gift cheque from my cousin Larraine a month ago and I have slowly been re-stocking my pantry. Now my pantry and cleaning cupboard are full. I have enough to get me through now until the spring. But that is only condiments and cleaners. No actual food. If you open my fridge it is empty. Mainly just drinks. Water,... and iced tea. I am actually desperate for groceries. So I put an order in at Walmart last night. I HATE having to order my groceries as the delivery fee is just so high for me. For some reason they charge twice. Once for Walmarts delivery fee and once to DoorDash's delivery fee. I feel like they are getting away with double dipping. Having to pay delivery twice. It usually adds up to $15 or $20 dollars and to me that is a LOT of money wasted. But in my situation I have no choice. if I want to eat - I have to do a delivery. I bought $150 of food. When they got here - I saw they had no chicken. The MAIN thing I made the whole order for. Irritated,... but oh well,... I put all the stuff away and realize my firdge is still empty. $150 gets you NOTHING nowadays. And that order has to last me for a whole month. A WHOLE MONTH!!!!
Poverty
So now that they had no chicken, I have to go out myself and get it. I live off of two meals now. I only have coffee in the morning. No breakfast. I have trained my stomach to go without. Then at noon I have a bowl of cereal. Usually Cheerios or shreddies. At dinner I have one of three choices. Frozen meat pie (on its own),... a hamburger with one cheese slice and ketchup, musturd and relish. nothing else. OR, a little chicken thigh on a bun with barbecue sauce and nothing else. So I already have a limited variety of food. meat pies,... hamburgers or chicken thigh on a bun. I am so sick of these foods ~ I can't tell you ~ But they are affordable and filling. So not getting the chicken thighs today was irritating. It's the main meal I eat. So now I have had to shower and get ready to go out to Freshco across the street to get some chicken thighs. I am in a lot of pain today so it is not going to be easy. But int he fall you never know what the weather is going to be from one day to the next so I have to take advantage of the good days. Today is a good day. So I have no choice but to go,... Tomorrow and the remainder of the week are suppose to be bad due to hurrican Helene in the States right now. How annoying that I have to think of so many things just to get food. A good pain day and good weather and have money all have to happen on the same day. And that is rare and usually doesn't. So in the end I usually only get out once or twice a month in the summer and once every 2 or 3 months in the winter. It really does SUCK not having a car anymore. This is what I mean by life is such a physcial struggle now. It's actually gotten too much for me but what am I going to do??? I feel like I have just been left to fend for myself. Sucks,...
I don't like going out now. I really dislike the people in this building. Actually I should re-write that. I would say 90% of the people that live in this building are good. It's the remaining 10% that make life miserable for me and the rest of us. Darren Green and Tonya Halls being my biggest haters. So to avoid conflict - I have literally decided to never go back out there unless I am desperate for supplies. Living in this building has caused me over the past 8 years to go from a nice caring helpful person to who I am now. MISERABLE and wants nothing to do with anyone who lives here.
So i stay inside and watch tv or clean. those are the only two things I have to do. And it is literally driving me mad. I can't handle the isolation ~ but I can't handle people. My mind is going,... whether with first stage dementia (which I firmly believe I am in) or actual having a mental health decline is debatable. maybe it's a bit of both. but either way,... I am not doing well.
I AM NOT DOING WELL
My anxiety is out of control. My depression has left me suicidal. And my mental health has left me agaoraphobic and unable to deal with any aspect of life right now. So instead of dealing with life? I am hiding,...
I completely HATE myself. I hate my life adn I wish over and over again that my heart would just stop beating and let me die.
When will that be? Of course no one has the answer to that. So instead I wait,... sit here in Gods waiting room just wating to die,...
What a fucking waste of a life,...
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