tying up loose ends

I made some decisions today. I have consciously let my family go. I am "consciously uncoupling" my family. I have tried and tried and tried to re-connect over the past few years but each time I just get hurt. Literally told i am not good enough for them and I just hurt them. (????) I think in order for me to survive I have to let them go and move on. 

I literally have to pretend I don't have children.

From here on in I am a single unattached female with NO dependents. I have NEVER had children.

Michelle and Hayley: I want nothing more than to be in your lives. But if you wont' let me I have to do what I have to do to survive this abandonement. I have to let you both go forever,.... Never had,... can't miss if you never had.

And this now makes it a tiny bit easier to move on. If I'm not sitting here pining for my children,... I can move on.

And I have to admit ~ I dont even know what I've done wrong. :(

So,... I emailed Parklawn cemetery in Toronto today. I know my Grand father, Victor Holyoak is buried there. he was suppose to be buried with his wife Ida. But I know from my ancestry research that she died and ended up being buried in a pauper's grave. I looked and looked and looked but never did find where she was laid to rest. But it was NOT with my grandfather. So,... there is an empty plot beside my grandfather at the Parklawn cemetery in toronto. I emailed them today to see if it is indeed still empty and if it is, I would like to be laid to rest there. With the only family I have. 

My kids don't want me. 

The Morgans don't want me and boy did they make that clear,...

Noone fucking wants me so I have to make my final resting plans. Now i wait to hear back. 

There is no worse feeling in this world than being unwanted. Even in death I have no place to go where i am wanted,... just where there is a spare place,... I'll bet if they could ask,... even my grandfather would say he didn't want me either. But since he can't talk,... he can't say no.

There is no place for me alive or dead on this planet. So I have to MAKE a place for me in death. 

What a sorry worhtless piece of shit I seem to be,....