I can't sleep. I have so much on my mind. My anxiety level got to such a level tonight that I got out of bed and decided to do laps in the hall of my building. I wanted to try and physically wear it out of me. I hadn't even done one lap yet when I heard a cough. Didn't really fizz on me as it could have been anyone in their unit. So I boldly continued on down the hall. When I got to the bend I almost ran smack dab into Darren Green. WTF!? It was 3:30 in the morning. I was doing laps because I couldn't sleep. What the fuck was he doing just standing in the hall? I was going to turn around and go back but my anxiety was that high I needed to walk. So I did. I walked right past him. But I was nervous. You just can't read this guy. He is so unpredictable I dont trust him. When I got to the end of the hall he walked away to the laundry room. Once he was in the laundry room I scurried back to my unit and locked the door.
I have been isolated away for so long I just needed to get out and walk. It was 3:30 in the monrning and yet,... I STILL ran into Darren Green. There is no escaping him. He seems to be everywhere I go. I was actually pissed off that he has controlled me yet again. I couldn't finish my laps as I don't want to be outside of my unit when he is out and about. He actually scares me as he is so dark and unpredicatable but most dangerous of all is, he can't let go and won't stop revenging,.... I will never be safe from this man. Ever.
I am having trouble with all of my benefits right now. I can't even get the new benefit as I didn't photo copy properly so I guess I am just too dumb to get that one,.... duh,....
ODSP is wanting my settlement so they can send it to their lawyers to see if I still qualify for their stupid fucking benefit. But they never call me back so it's been a real run around. I finally told her if you want this settlement then call my lawyer as I am so tired of sitting on the phone on hold for HOURS and HOURS and HOURS just to be hung up on. So it looks like ODSP saw $$$$$ that I got (which is now all gone by the way it was so little,...) they are now concerned I don't deserve their ODSP each month now. I was so angry I told her to do what she wants,... I'm tired of being controlled and made to feel like Im not worth their fucking money.
Infact this whole benefit thing has just made me feel like a begger. They are dangling a carrot infront of me but "oh no - you didn't do the photo copy right so NO - you are too dumb to get this benefit" They literally had me in the hospital trying to get all their damn paperwork. And now I've done it wrong,...
So I went to bed tonight knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep. I have ODSP threatening to stop their payments (which they just re-started!!!) and I DON'T get the national benefit now because apparently the hoops were too hard to jump through and I wasn't able to physically walk another 5 km to get yet another fucking photo copy,...
Jump through the hoop!!!!!! Oh,... so sad,.... your too dumb,.... nope - no benefit for you!!!!!!! You can't jump through the hoops??? YOu don't get the benefit!!! Hahahahahahahhahaha
So tonight I sit here seriously contemplating why I am alive. I have to beg for money to survive and even then don't get it,....
My family hates me and I am completely alone. I am just too lonely to go on,...
I want to move but noone will rent to me becasue I have POVERTY written all over my forehead. NO YOU CAN'T HAVE AN APARTMENT ~ Your a welfare whore who deserves nothing.
I have nothing,... I go nowhere,... I can't even leave my unit at 3:30 in the morning without running into the evil scum of Darren Green.
I have struggled for sooooooooooo long now. So long,..... I have waited for family that is never coming back. My heart is just broken and I don't care about life anymore.
My body is completely falling apart and the pain is unbearable now. But with no doctor and no consistant health care at all I am only looking at MORE pain in the future.
Pain and povery,.... I have to do some serious thinking becasue my body is breaking down and I CAN'T do what I need to do to survive anymore. I just physaically can't,... and why should I struggle anymore? For what? Pain? Poverty? Lonliness? Begging for basic needs making me feel like a dirty charity case?
Noone sees me. Invisable,... my heart broken,... I really do think I need to make some REAL solid plans to end my life.
MAiD isn't going to help me,.... My family isn't going to help me,... NOONE is going to help me,...
I have a granddaughter that I have never even met! I can't live with that,.... too heart breaking
I really do think it's time to just throw in the towel and call it a day and end my life.
I can't bear this one any longer and I need peace.
I've tried,... I've really, really tried. But I am a monster to my family and invisable to society and I am too tired and in pain to carry on,...
I NEEDED HELP
But I didn't get any,....
I know the date,... I just have to get the method that I need to use. I just have to make one trip downtown to Guelph and then my Christmas present to myself is going to be SUICIDE.
Now, I can't wait to finally feel peace.
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