I woke up this  morning to 2 kittens nibbling on me for their breakfast. Adorable. How could you not smile? My mornings now are in a hurry. Hurry up and get us our breakfast. I can't do anything until I have put their bowls of food down. Then, I can go and wash my face and brush my teeth and put the coffee on. It wasn't until I sat down to wait for my coffee that my mood shifted. It always does when realization sets in. 

I'm not going anywhere,... I am trapped in this toxic building

And when that realization hits my heart sinks. My mood drops to sadness and depression. If my life were different I would just get up and do something I enjoy to change my mood. But theres nothing to do. I can't go anywhere. Getting anywhere in this town is a nightmare. So if I can't walk there,... I just stay home. And right now I can't even walk.

I have been having trouble walking lately. I think my hips are going. It's definitely something going on. When I sit I get no relief from pain. It's all in that hip and groin area. And because I don't have a doctor it has never been looked at. I try and mention it at past visits but I get reminded of the "one issue per visit" rule so I end up going with the more serious problem which is usually my blood pressure. But now I am older. Things are breaking down. And because they are not getting addressed right away as they happen, they just get worse over time. And that is what is happening with my hip/groin area. It has become so painful I can't walk well anymore. Even with the walker it is too painful. 

I feels like I am just falling apart at the seems. Every day a new pain,... a new problem,... but nothing gets addressed. I am desperate for a physical. DESPERATE. I tried finding out how to get one but it turns out WITHOUT A DOCTOR YOU JUST DONT GET ONE! I called our local walk-in clinic (no physicals and just one issue per visit) I called 811 which offered no help. I have called every number on the internet I can find on how to get a physical in Ontario when you dont' have a doctor. They keep telling me my local walkin. But they dont do physicals,... so why are they telling people they do? In the end I just got the run around. Try this number,... try that number,... but no number ever helped. It was all a waste of time. So Canada,... let me ask you this,...

What good is FREE health care 

If you can't access it????????

The only health care available to me is walk-in and 911. And each time I call 911 it costs me $45.00 so THATS NOT FREE. If you have a doctor,... it's free. But if you don't and you have to rely on 911?? Get your chequebook out as it is expensive. I owe over $600 right now which I just out and out REFUSE to pay. And yes,... I had bill collectors after me for the longest time until I called the hospital and told them they have a nerve asking me for money when 911 is all I have for health care. The woman actually agreed and wiped out that debt. But since then I have had to call numerous times so the bill is once again growing. So NO health care is not free for me.

Over the past few weeks I have done a lot of thinkking and soul searching and I have decided that life is not worth living anymore. It's all negative,... struggle,... stress,... pain. There is no family,... friends,... joy,... 

So I stopped all my medications again. And even if my blood pressure goes as high as 255 again - I WILL NOT BE CALLING 911. I have asked over and over again for a doctor,... for help,... but noone bat an eye. I am invisable to this society. 

Living for me is painful. And if noone is going to help with a doctor,... a physical,... then that tells me that as time goes on and my health declines more,... I will just suffer even more.

I am not going to do that. Why should I? Why should I feel pain and heartbreak every day with nothing in return. But trolls coming after me making my life even harder. 

Every morning I sit with my coffee and I watch people on YouTube live the life I dream about. I watch channels of people up north living in small cabins off grid. My dream. But instead of living it,... I am forced to sit in my prison cell and watch through a screen. I envy these folks so much. 

All I want is out of this building but even with money in the bank noone will rent to me,... out and out discrimination becasue I am on disability. I have been sentenced to the remainder of my life in this hell hole. I am not going to let that happen. 

I have tried,... but it was like wack-a-mole. Every time I rose i got bopped right back down,... there is no escaping unless someone takes a chance on me and rents to me,... if that doesn't happen I am forever trapped here.

It hurts my heart that there isn't one person on this planet that can help. I'm not asking for money,... I am just asking for a break. I have never asked for a dime in my life. I think people think because I am on disability and poor, they will get STUCK looking after me. I KNOW thats how my children feel. But honestly I don't know why. I have never asked for anything from them or anyone. And I have my own money. I get a pittance monthly but I have money in the bank I can draw from to pick up the slack for a better enviroment. But noone will give me a break,...

I feel that. I am not important enough in anyones life for them to go out of their way to help. If any of my frineds found themselves homeless I would be FIRST in line to help them. In any way I could. But my family blamed me instead of helping. And THAT destroyed me. I will never forget coming back from BC with my tail between my legs wanting nothing but a hug only to receive a "fuck off". I don't know what they think I wanted becasue I already had my apartment secured. I wasn't asking for a place to stay or money,... I was wanting a hug. But they had decided already. Hayley wouldnt' even hear me out. Just said she was sick of being the adult and me the child (??????) WTF? I have never asked for a damn thing from that child - EVER - in my entire life. So that statement made absolutely no sense to me what-so-ever. People who have read this blod can see I did nothing but chase her and get pushed away. So to me that was just an excuse to not only have to have me in her life,... but can now gain sympathy from the rest of the family "Is she expecting me to take her in and look after her now????" She never took the time to ask me what I wanted. Noone did. I was just told to fuck off. For the record I needed nothing but a hug. 

I can't even watch tv with toddlers as I break down and cry missing the grand daughter I haven't even met. She's all I think about some days. And reminders just hurt my heart. 

With all of this I have decided that it's time to just check out. 

If one person would rent to me,... my life could change. But there just doesn't seem to be one place on this planet for me where I feel wanted. Right now it's just bullies and family telling me to fuck off. So you know what? Don't fucking blame me when i do,.....