I have been hibernating inside my unit now for months. But I do go out a couple of times a day to take my garbage to the garbage room as well as get the mail from the lobby. I also do laps in the halls of the building. Because I don't get out to exercise anymore, I do laps. There are actually several of us women who wallk the halls. Seniors mostly. I start on the top floor and work my way down and then repeat when I am done. I try and do all 4 floors three times morning noon and evening. It's not only exercise, but it also gets me outside of my unit away from the cabin fever I have been dealing with.
But heres the thing. Most of the people in this building are compromised in some way. Not all of them but a lot of them. Myself included. I am on disability for fibromyalgia and mental illness. So I am probobly more patient than most in dealing with folk on the fringes of society. Because I AM ONE OF THEM. I understand the isolation,... the boredom,... the hurt of noone visiting,... I get their lives so I try to be more patient than normal.
But just yesterday I had yet another run-in with another tenant. This one I had never even met before. We have contractors working in our building this week. They are switching out all the key locks and replacing them all with fob locks. (Why? Just a waste of money I think but whatever). I was doing my afternoon laps when I walked onto the second floor from the stairwell. Suddenly this old lady on a scooter came tearing out of her unit. (Think "Waking Ned Devine" Irish comedy movie,... THAT old lady). Anyway she shouts at me,... "Hey, where did you just come from?" She sounded so angry I didn't even realize she was shouting at me. I looked around and when i saw noone else I stopped. "Who are you?" she shouted. Now I could have been an asshole and told her to mind her own business but I didn't,... I think I was actually curious. I explained I lived here. She argued with me that I don't,.... at this point I was just getting annoyed and started to walk away but she ran after me (or scootered after me). She then proceeded to tell me that she had to be careful as the workmen in the building weren't really workmen. They were a big gang of thieves and they had got this job so they case out all the apartments in this building and then come back and rob us. Oh man,... here we go,... another looney. I tried walking away again but she just kept coming after me. I eventually took the stairs to the third floor where she couldn't follow me. As I was walking away she shouted I don't live here and she is making a complaint to housing. So I shouted back "go ahead, shall i pick up a tenant complaint form for you and bring it to you? I will even fill in my name and apartment number for you,..." that shut her up and she finally left.
But this is what I mean by living in a place you don't feel safe. I realize that old lady was harmless,... just annoying. Imagine having to prove you live somewhere when it's none of her business! But others aren't as harmless. It's just the constant being on the alert wherever you go as you just never know whats around the corner. Mark? Darren? Tonya? Someone else having a bad day? When I do laps I walk infront of all the units doors. I can hear and smell things behind each door. I know the people who never clean (you can actually smell their dirty apartments) I know the alcoholics and ragers who are constantly shouting in their units. It's sad that this is normal to me now. But it has left me with severely high anxiety. I am basically a nervous wreck that jumps out of my skin at every noise I hear. It's like being in prison. You can never let your guard down.
I talk about ending my life all the time on here. But so far,... not one family member or friend has picked up the phone to see why or how I am doing. And THAT is the real reason I want to die. Noone is worried about me,... noone thinks about me,... I don't exist in their lives anymore.
So can you imagine living in poverty,... pain,... and on top of that you have absolutely NOONE to talk to. You have to deal with every problem alone. It's a very heavy burden.
I think I am already dying though. For the past few months I have been feeling like something is going on with my heart/lungs. My breathing has become more laboured. I am having heart palpatations. I feel weak overall most days now. I can actually FEEL my body breaking down. I don't know what the specific diagnosis is but I do know my body and there is something terribly wrong. It has to do with my heart and my breathing. I should go to the doctor, right? But I have no doctor. But I am so fed up of not having one I have given up on my health care altogether. So I decided a few months back that I was stopping all medication and not going to get help anymore. No more calls to 911 when my blood presure rises over 200. This time i will let it rise. And HOPEFULLY it will just end up killing me. I know worse things could happen instead like a stroke. But I don't care. I'm so tired and so fed up that t I just don't care.
I'm tired of struggling and just want my life to end now.
There is NOTHING positive in my life except these two kittens. EVERYTHING else is negative. Attacking me,... taking away benefits,... trolls,... gossips,... revengers,... but nothing good. And I just don't see the point in suffering anymore. I spent all last week looking for a doctor to get a physical. But nothing,... I shouldn't have to work this hard for health care.
And at 62 I am tired.
So roll on heart attack,... and if it hasn't happened by that date I will just have to 'hurry it along,..." becasue I refuse to live like this any longer. It's not just a struggle ~ it's actually CRUEL.
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