Life is a struggle right now. I seem to be walking a tightrope of wanting to live and thrive on one side but fed up and physically drained and can't do it anymore on the other. And it depends on what is going on that day on how I end up feeling.
I WANT to live. Infact,... I not only want to live, I want to thrive. But I can't do it here in this building. This place is toxic to me and has me hiding in my unit scared to come out. That's not living ~ thats hiding.
I want a tiny granny flat or tiny home to live in. Far away from the hustle and bustle of city life. I am not a city girl and I am not happy living in this town. I want water,... my element is water and I can't live without it. I need to be around it. It restores my soul when I sit and hear the waves lapping on the shore. I want to move up north to a small town. I want to buy a plot of land and put a tiny home or an RV on it and just live,... I do nothing all day already so if theres nothing to do at this new place,... then I'm not missing out on anything am I?
But WHERE? Noone will rent to me so I have to buy. But I have so little to spend. I need to move WAY up north. But I am not making the mistake of moving somewhere sight unseen like I did in BC. Look what that got me,... a rat and mouse infested RV that wasn't even winterized,.... so this time I have to SEE where I am moving. But without a car,... how do I do that?
Not having a car is what is preventing me from doing everything i want to do. It would seem that in todays society, without a car you get nothing. I can't afford a car. I could afford to buy one,... but I couldnt' afford the insurance and the upkeep. That is what made me lose my car I already had. I just couldn't afford to keep it. So there will be no car in my future.
But I do not have the personality that is ok staying home everyday and watching tv. Infact,... this lifestyle is KILLING me. I need to be outside doing stuff. I need to be hiking,... and just getting out and enjoying nature.
I want so badly to rent a cottage up in the muskokas for a couple of weeks. I have the money,... but I dont have a car. The Muskokas is a forest. There are no trains or buses or taxis. You are miles into the forest,... if you dont have a car or a boat you can't get there. So yet another thing I love to do is unavailable to ME.
And this is why I get so discouraged. I just try and try and try to do things but I get kept back as I don't have a car. i would vacation all summer if i had a car. I would pack up and move into a cottage for the summer if I could. How awesome would it be to get away from this toxic gossip and bullying,... I DREAM of this,...
but with no car,... it can't be done.
I am so fed up and frustrated of being told no. Of not being able to do what others seem to be able to do,...
I just want a life people,... I don't want to die. I just want to not get up in the morning and feel dejected as I know I have nothing but 16 ot 18 hours of watching mindless tv. It is severely effecting my mental health and I can't do it anymore.
So I sit here knowing there is a life out there,... but for some reason it's not available to the poor,... to me,....
I am expected to sit on the sidelines and watch,... well I'm tired of watching the rest of the world life while I sit here and rot.
WHAT DO I DO??? I have the money!!!! I have the fucking money!!!! Yet still,... I am invisable and can't do what others do,...
How do you think that makes me feel year after year after year,...
Like a worthless piece of shit.
So I sit here trying to escape. I am on the internet every day looking at ways to get the hell out of this building and into a place where I can actually live and breath and be me. Not the person that Tonya and Darren Green have told eveyone I am and has made me a hated bitch even though noone even KNOWS me. They just listen to the gossip and believe. It has RUINED my life and I refuse to stay here any longer. But if I can't excape,... what do I do? I think we all know that that answer is and that is why I straddle the tightrope of living and dying,... because this world won't allow me to LIVE! I have been trying and fighting but losing for years,...
So what do I do? I dont want to die!!!! I really dont want to die.
But I can't live like this anymore. It's killing me and I feel like I am already dead inside. Alone in pain in pvoerty and I just can't do it anymore. So what is the answer????
I have your fucking money society,... you just look at me like a poor wothless person becasue I am on ODSP and disabled.
So what the fuck so I do? Well,... I have chosen a date and if nothing chnages by that date ~ I give up and end my life.
I think I am worth more than being thrown away and let to rot while your family calls you too mentally ill to love,....
time is ticking,... will I escape or will I be dead by the new year?
Only society can help me ~ but they won't.
So why am i sticking around to live in this horrible miserable world?
Maybe it is just time to give in and get it done. I have been fighting suicide for years now but today,... after trying so HARD to escape,... I can see I never will.
I hate this world and I hate people for throwing me away and thinking thats ok,...
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