October 19th ~ my youngest childs birthday. 31 years ago today I gave birth to Hayley Nicole. We lived in St. Thomas (Ontario) at the time. Because I was considered a "high risk" pregnancy, I had been in the hospital on bed rest for 5 weeks. Which was horribly boring as I felt fine. But thats what they wanted me to do as a precaution ~ and I did. Happily. I would have done Anything I was told to ensure she had the safest, healthiest birth and start in life. So I lay in bed for five weeks,... (but I'm a bad mother)
I stayed home with my girls. I felt it was important for them to have a mother in the home rather than working. It was a sacrifice for me. I didn't realize just how much of a sacrifice it was until my ex left me and I had no job to support myself. I had to go back to school to get my medical admin/assis/phlebotomy so I could support myself. So I SACRIFICED working for them. But it was NOT appreciated. Instead,... I am a bad Mom.
With it being her birthday, I can't help but remember all the elaborate birthday parties I planned for them. It took me weeks to buy everything and then decorate,... I enjoyed it. And I thought they did to,... but,.... instead,... I'm a bad Mom,...
I sat down and made baby books. Detailed baby books. Precious memories,... but where are they? They were thrown in my ex's basement in a box - hidden. Why would he let my daughters see them? It would make me look,... human,... like maybe a good Mom,... but no,... I made them for Michelle to enjoy when she had HER baby. But instead Jeff never even told her about them and she never got to enjoy them. Instead,... I am a bad Mom.
The weather here is a typical October fall day. Grey, overcast,... cool. I can feel the heaviness around me. Oppresive. The memories of my daughters I can't stop today. All the things I did as their mother. The grandmother tea party,... taking them to the science centre,... I mean I did stuff with these girls. I actually let them paint on our kitchen wall as we hadn't decorated that room yet. What mother allows kids to paint on their wall?
I know other people saw I was an EXCELLENT Mom. But now it is all forgotten. Somehow i am now a monster. A mentally ill monster who doesn't deserve to wish her daughter a Happy Birthday. I am too fucked up to even meet my grand daughter and be in her life.
I was a great MOM and I know others saw it,....
But they would rather be with their father. The man who put his hands around Michelles throat and squeezed. Bit noone wants to talk about THAT do they? He strangled me too years ago,... but nope,... HE is the good person. I am the mentally ill monster,...
I haven't been in a family in years. Knowing my daughter is celebrating with MY family HURTS LIKE HELL. To know that I wasn't even thought of let alone asked to come. To know ,... to really know and FEEL that you are unwanted,... unloved and not worth their time. THAT is a hurt that can never be repaired. That is a hurt that sits so deep in your soul you hate yourself.
I loved my girls more than life itself. I thought I gave them eveything they needed. I never hit them.... ask them. I never even raised my voice to them - ever. But I'm a bad Mom.
And I have to not only face this,... but feel it. Sit here and feel how much you are missing. Why? Because your a mentally ill monster that noone can love.
I would give my life for my girls,... but I'll probobly never see them ever again,... and thats a hurt I can't live with. I've tried but it's too painful and i just can't do it anymore.
Being hated is a horrible HEAVY burden and I just can't carry it anymore,...
Happy Bithday hayley,.... I was a GOOD Mom to you. But soehow your camp has decided I'm not and all of you have banded together to make sure I know it. Well I know it,... and it's too painful to bear,...
I love you girls. And I have tried to live without you. But life is meaningless and empty and lonely,... and i just can't do it anymore.
I wish things had ended differently but I guess theres just no loving a monster
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