M&M

I was woken up just after 5 this morning with the typical nose nibbles from Molly and Murphy. I have to admit that it is much nicer waking up to them than waking up alone. These two kittens have really put some life into my apartment. I am enjoying them so much.

M & M (which I have now dubbed them) had a vet appointment at 9 this morning. I don't have a car so I walked there. It is right across the road from my apartment so walking is no big deal. At least right now while the weather is nice. And today the weather is brilliant. There was definitely that fall nip in the air now but the sun was shining. So I bundled these 2 little monkey~bums into their carrier and we walked to the vet. Murphy is 5 pounds now and Molly only 3. So tiny, but so much fun.

Their operations are booked for the end of November to get them fixed. Murphy has a hernia he needs repaired as well. Luckily I had put some money away for it so I don't have to stress about the cost. I got an estimate and it's covered. But it hasn't escaped me that my 2 kittens have luxury health care while I have none at all,... I don't even want to tell you what I have spent on these 2 cats since I got them but it's a lot. Every need is covered for them. My cats get before I do,... I can't control my health care but I can make sure these 2 get what they need.

These 2 kittens,... M&M,... have put me in a position. Aside form these 2 cats, I have ZERO life. And I have now hit a place where I am just unable physically to get by anymore. I am too old and unhealthy and need help now. I am finding it very hard to get groceries as I have to walk home with them piled on top of my walker which isnt' easy. I am finding everything harder and harder to do now. My body is quitting,...

And the pain is getting unbearable. If I had health care,... medication,... to combat this my life would be so much easier. But with no doctor comes no meds for pain. I still smoke pot but honestly as someone with OCD I find this habit dirty and gross. The only reason I do it is for the unbearable pain. I would love to exchange pot for medication.

Anyone who has had to suffer with bad pain knows that you have good days and you have bad days. My good days (today) are ok. I can cope. But on my bad pain days i break down. The pain becomes relentless with no break to catch your breath. THIS is when my suicidal thoughts appear. THIS is when my suyicide will happen. On a day that I just can't bear the pain one more minute,... 

WHY should I suffer just becasue this society has a doctor shortage and I can't get proper health care. PAIN is horrible! I talk about ending my life in this blog daily. But heres something that might surprise you. 

I don't want to die

I want a life where I thrive and find enjoyment on a daily basis. Buit instead I deal with suffering. So NO,... I DON'T want to die,... but this pain,... this poverty,... and the fact that I know I will never get out of Ontario Housing leaves me dispondent. I know I will end my life if nothing changes. Thats not a guess,... it's a fact. Becasue I refuse to suffer any longer. And PAIN is SUFFERING. 

So again, I have not changed my mind. IF nothing changes and I get stuck living in this hell-hole and my pain stays out of control??? I'm out of here,... I have suffered enough and I refuse to suffer more.

I worry about M&M. Of course I do. I live these 2 little cats. But my pain is so bad some days I can't look after them as I can't get out of bed!! So I have put some money aside and I will re-home these two beautiful kittens. THATS how much pain I am in,.... physaiclly AND emotionally,.... I am willing to give up these cats to end my life for relief.

And I NEED that pain gone,... and if I can't change anything then I will leave. And sadly the only way to escape this life ~ is to end it.