this world was never meant for people like me

Yesterday was brutal. There is no worse feeling than knowing that it's a holiday where loved ones get together,... but you weren't even thought of. My day was empty and sad. 

I just want to die now. But unfortunately my body just wont' quit. I have stopped all medication,... I have stopped all health care altogether,... which lets face it wasn't hard as I didn't actually HAVE any health care except the walk-in (which is useless) and 911. 

I have given it a lot of thought. I mean I think of NOTHING else now,... I just want my life to be over. 

I am NOT WELL and desperately need a doctor and a physical,... but I know I am never going to get one,....

So I have made some plans,...

I wanted to go on a great vacation. I am limited to only Canada now as I cannot get a passport. You need a signature from a guarantor and I don't know one. I had this problem last time I got a passport. This time it's worse as I have lived as a recluse for the past 5 years. I have no doctor or anyone who can sign for my passport,... I have tried. I have called many places and noone will sign for me so NO PASSPORT FOR ME. Again - I don't get what the average joe gets,... I feel like such a worhtless citizen to this society.

HOW do you get a passport when you are an isloated recluse?????

How do you find a guarantor? And they have to have known you for a certain amount of years,...

I get so frustrated that I don't get what others all seem to get,...

WHY?

So now I have to vacation inside Canada. But now I run into - no vehicle. Without a car HOW do i get to a resort in Muskoka??? I can't. My life has not got what others have and they don't even appreciate. I was on the internet all evening last night trying to find WHERE I can go on vacation where I won't need a car or to drive. (suggestions welcomed!). I would love to go to the East Coast. Nova Scotia or newfoundland,... but once I fly into the airport I am seeing you need a car,...

And this is my life,... I have the money,... but for reasons that I can't control,... options are taken away from me.

So where can i vacation up north where a bus or train takes you right to their door,... I'll tell you,... NOONE. I know as I researched for hours and hours. And if you do do a train trip it's about $5000!!!!!

All I want to do is sit on the waterfront in a cabin and enjoy nature,... but after hours on line I have found it is yet another thing I CAN'T HAVE.

So no vacation either,... again,... I have the money,... yet I still can't manage a vacation,... I feel like nothing is available to me.

I feel like I am a worthless piece of shit.

All I wanted was a vacation,... on a lake,.... to enjoy peace,....

But yet again I am a loser who doesn't deserve,....

So no wonder I keep coming back to suicide. I HAVE MONEY!!!!! Yet still I am not good enough for this society,...

won't give me an apartment,...

can't go on vacation,....

so what the fuck can I do with this miserable life????

Nothing,... thats what my life has been resorted to - NOTHING. 

So I continue to plan,...

My family and friends know where I live and my phone number,... (226-203-9960) because really,... if a scammer is going to call? who cares,... I'll be dead and buried before they can scam me,.... no need to hide my number,... it'll be out of use by 2026

yet - *** crickets **** so I know NO HELP IS COMING,.... which means I will NEVER have a life. So roll on *** ** 2025. Becasue that is the date I end my life.

I asked for help - but no help came,....