One choice left - to end it all because none gives a fuck your being bullied

I am still writing ~ I just can't publish. I am still furious with whoever it is that is stalking me and has forced me to go into hiding. I had to close all my social media including this blog. I feel like I live in a bubble you can't even see out of now. No contact with people,... no talking to anyone but my kittens. No human contact at all now. 

I really, really HATE Tonya Halls and the rest of the trolls and gargoyles that just won't keep their noses out of my business. Just nasty - nosy people who have ruined it for me. 

No more blog and that INFURIATES me as it was ALL I HAD LEFT.

So now I am isolated. I can feel myself shrivelling up and dying inside.

If I ever find out - for sure without a doubt - who it is that has casued me to close this blog I have no idea what I will do. I can't tell you how upset and angry I am that these nasty folk are CONTROLLING what I can and cannot do. 

Mark - won't allow me into the gazebo and noone stopped him

Tonya Halls trolled and made my life a fucking misery for 8 years and got away with it. Is still getting away with it as she still gossips and lies about me to whoever will listen.

Darren - don't even get me started on the people in this building who would rather side with an animal abuser before I even came out of the building I was already hated and the revenge started. Darren went from the his unit to the gazebo and threw me under the bus before the police had even left my apartment. To this day I have no idea what he told people but they all hate me now and they all get up and leave as soon as i go out there. Until last month when i was actually yelled at - bullied - into not even being ALLOWED to go out there while they are there - or else. And they all get away with it.

And me? I have buried myself inside my apartment and am never coming out until I move. I take my garbage out, get my mail and that is all. I then scurry back into my unit and hide.

I am so angry at Ontario Housing for allowing all this bullying to go on in their buildings.

I am so angry that Tonya fucking Halls is still being a cunt and people all listen and believe,...

I can't stand it. I just can't stand the lying and bullying!!!!!!

My life has been reduced to hiding inside to avoid assholes. And I am so angry that noone is doing a damn thing about it,...

I am open season and Ontario Housing just doesn't give one shit. They have no idea that the gazebo (where we are forced to go to smoke) is a disgusting,... bullying,.... harrassing,.... nasty war zone. The only women brave enough to be subjected to this disgusting enviroment is ME and one other woman. NOONE else will set foot inside that gazebo and would rather risk eviction than go out there with these bully men. I have tried to talk to Ontario Housing but got 'dismissed'. I tried calling the police but got absolutely nowhere.

I am FURIOUS that these low life scum people have controlled what I ahve to do for peace. And that is hide. I should not have to hide away inside my apartment just to feel safe. But I do.

And I am really, really angry that noone cares,....

Really angry,.....

Like I am ready to blow angry for the unfairness of it and once again being made to feel not only invisable but UNWORTHY of feeling safe in my own home.

I hate my life and i hate Ontario Housing.

I just want out - but as you know,... I have tried and getting out is never going to happen,...

I am fucked and I am really, really angry that I have been thrown away here and left to rot and deal with the assholes all on my own.

I hate it here and I will die before I stay here

I don't deserve to be bullied and lied about and gossiped about until noone in the building even likes me (Thank you Tonya for your lies)

I hate my life and now I just want to DIE

If noone is going to help me get the fuck out of this place then i need to end my life to get that escape,...

Fuck you Ontario Houising and Tonya Halls and Darren Green and Mark Rathwell,.... you are all horrible human beings that HURT people. 

I can't fight you - your too nasty and know all the tricks,...

But I can kill myself to end it,....

And that feels like the only choice I have left right now.

And I'm so fucking angry I just might be able to do it this time

I feel so  defeated,...

so invisable,...

so unwanted,...

 so HUNTED,...

So alone,...

I really, really just can't take this anymore

I've started packing,...

Not sure if I am moving or dying

I guess it will all depend on if someone,...

just ONE person,...

will give me a chance and get me the fuck out of Ontario Housing,... 

Because if I can't get out,...

I need to start making plans to end my life

This is TORTURE

TORTURE

And I need help 

but noone will help me

So what the fuck am I suppose to do when everyone turns their heads and ignores my desperation???

You know what you do?

You say fuck it and kill yourself and die 

Becasue in thsi fucked up life you really are on your own

I asked for help,...

NOONE helped,... 

I told you all I couldn't take it anymore 

I TOLD YOU!!!!

But again I was fucking invisable and unwanted

Invisable and unwanted

Noone can live like this,... 

And I shouldn't have to,...

So fuck you all

I'm done

Jacquie is now gone and hiden and you will never find her

I have had enough.

 I am mentally ill. I have BPD amoung other things. Part of this disorder is not handling conflict well. And I have - in confidnce - told people who I thought were very good friends about this, and how it's something I really struggle with in life. I have talked about it here on this blog as well. This is obviously a flaw of mine that has caused me a lot of heartache over the years.

This is the first blog post I have struggled to write as it is so painful for me to talk about. BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is horrendous to live with. I fight my own brain every single day. I hate myself and self harm. My life is hard just navagating that.

Ever since I moved into this building weird things started to happen. Gossip, and I mean vicious LYING gossip. Not just "do you know what she did?" I mean people out and out lying to make your life hard. That started as soon as I moved in here. And it never stopped. Imagine meeting a man and dating him but your neighbour keeps telling you she sees him cheating. You facetime him and he is in another city working. The person out and out lied to try and break us up. Things like this were happening all the time. I couldn't quite put my finger on what was going on. It's just now as I look back over 9 years of living here and realizing just how INTRUSIVE the people here are.

But I digress,... the reason I am talking about all of this past crap is that I can't cope with it anymore. Someone is still gossiping non-stop about me here. Someone is still on every social media I have. Spying,... tattling,... anonomously harrassing,... so brave behind a keyboard. But this shit has been going on for YEARS. And over those past 9 years I have slowly had to close up every part of my life to hide from these nosy people. I have had the police here SEVERAL times on wellness checks from people phoning them. I have had the Humane Society called because they were concerned about Maggie as I didn't feed her and my place was so dirty the litter box hadn't been cleaned in months,.... I have had Ontario Housing say they have got multiple complaints about me. It is like a slow growing toxin that has crept into every crevice of you life. Until you wake up one day and realize you have no life. It has been stolen from you by abusive neighbours,.... nosy gossips and trolls. The constant barage of lies and complaints starts to get to you. What must the police think of me having so many complaints from whoever it is in this building. Whoever the person ishas turned me into a paranoid fearful victim. The worst part is not knowing exactly who it is. It could be multiple people in this building as they do seem to work in vicious little cliques. But the truth is,... I just don't know. And that has left me feeling scared and vulnerable and not knowing WHO it is makes that feeling even worse. 

My mental illness has made this situation very serious. As people with BPD can't deal with this shit. And that causes us to feel such distress we do stuff just because we feel so invisable and helpless about the situation. I feel victimized with NO HELP. I feel like Facebook has HELPED this troll victimize me. Ontario Housing wouldn't protect me. For 9 years I got "We dont' get involved with personality conflicts,..." Thats what they called the harrassement - "personality conflict". When I complained ~ I got banned from talking to Ontario Housing altogether!! BPD didn't come with a rule book so I struggle with conflict and how to deal. And the people in this building that I confided that too, are now using that to "poke the bear" They know that not knowing who it is that is doing all this stalking and harassing is making my mental illness get worse. And they count on me being so bothered by all of this I feel defeated. They enjoy making me feel scared. They enjoy knowing I don't know for sure who it is,... They enjoy the anger and frustration I am feeling,... they enjoy all of it. And the more i react - the more they get enjoyment out of it so continue to do it. But people with BPD dont' know how to NOT react. We take everything very personal. We feel things deeper than most,... our emotions are stronger than usual. But we don't know how to change that. So this person,... who has just insinuated themselves into my life - annonomously - over the past 9 years is never going to stop. Not when they know how much it effects me. And it is effecting me very deeply. 

And whoever is doing it obviously knows me very well as they read this blog. So they know every flaw. people have said to stop writing your deepest fears but this is a blog about mental illness and all the struggle that brings. I'm not going to not write about the hard parts to placate other people. If someone reads this blog and instead of seeing a person struggling with mental illness but instead sees FUEL to use to hurt that person??? That is not my fault. I shouldn't have to worry about writing freely and honestly about a horrible illness. I should be allowed to write about the vulnerable side to this disease.

So HOW DARE YOU ~ whoever this troll is (and I have a very good idea I know who, I just have to prove it now.) How dare you take something so personal and vulnerable and use it to hurt me. YOU are the sick one. You have used this blog as your 'entertainment rag' to learn my vvulnerabilities and then hurt me. That is cruel and sick behaviour. To a person with BPD ~ it's FATAL. But you still think it's an entertaining game for you. Playing headgames with my life. 

Facebook won't help me. I complain but it's a BOT I'm complaining to. They just don't care. Housing protects the bully and gives the victim "transfer papers" as it's better to get rid of the 'complainer' than the problem. Easier to transfer the victim than have to go through the procedure of evicting someone. That would be too much work for them and cost them a lot of money. So instead,... hide the victim away from the bully. My bully still sits out in the gazebo like he fucking owns it,.... He definitely won and Ontario Housing let him.

This is a long post as it will be one that explains everything. I have asked for help with everything for years and years and years but I have just felt like an invisable nobody. And then to have people just gossip and lie and harrass eats away at you over time. And after 9 years - I just can't take it anymore. This enviroment is literally KILLING ME. I need out or I WILL end up killing myself in desperation. 

But I can't get out,... I have tried. God knows I have tried to escape this place. But it's like a vortex that just sucks you right back in and leaving you to feel like your completely on your own. 

I have noone to talk to,... so this situation has left me overwhelmed. I have had to close up my life to hide yet noone cares,... Infact maybe they all think thats better. Hide her away in that apartment where noone has to see or talk to her,... evderyone is happy. Except me,... becasue I am the invisable mentally ill monster that is hiding away afraid to go out my front door.

Police won't help,... Ontario Housing won't even see the problem. Facebook helps trolls harrass people but wont allow us to get help from them,... I have no friends or family to even talk to about all of this so it just eats away at me day after day. Until now,...

Now I have had enough. I am done with people who wont' keep their nose out of my business. In a severly intrusive damaging way,... I am done with a world that you can't even have a public blog as nasty people use it to hurt you. Over and over again,... 

I am done being Invisable and TAKING IT!!!!!

Today I am done with it all. Facebook,... social media,... this blog,... my life,.... noone fucking cared about me anyway except the nasties who love to hurt me. 

I have had enough of  a society that is ok turning their head to my hardships. 

I have had enough,.....

I have had enough,....

I have had ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!

 this blog is now closed

 I wasn't even wanted the day I was born and that pattern has continued throughout my entire life.

I am alone - bullied - but noone cares.

To this world I am poverty ridden scum. Not respected - not even seen. Ignored,... looked over,.... told no,....I am Never getting out of Ontario Housing because noone sees me as worthwhile to give me a chance.

I am invisable poor scum to this world and I BELONG in Ontario Housing and how dare I try and move up above my station.

There is NO PLACE for me on this planet,...

Will YOU take me in? Thought not,....

So let me leave by saying I tried

I tried with every fiber of my being to escape poverty and the isolation and unwanted'ness of being me. The horrible invisable perspn noone wants to be around. Don't believe me? Ask my family,... my old friends,... anyone? THEY HATE ME

I tried - but NOONE Fucking wanted me and noone would take the chance and give me an apartment to rent,... why?  Becasue I'm a mentallly ill monster that noone likes,... wants or cares about.

Not hanging around to feel such hatred.

I have had as much as I can take and now it's time for peace.

BYE

I'm so done,... this world just needs to fucking go away

 It's four o'clock in the morning. I am awake. I am so distraught. I have come to the realization that I am NEVER getting out of Ontario Housing and I will always be a NOBODY living in poverty. I will always be Darrens revenge and Tonyas gossip,...

I am not living

I am being DRAGGED thorugh a life i don't want.

It's time to do something about that.

I have put an ad in marketplace for the kittens. It was a lovely thought but I can't keep these guys. I don't want to be alive.

When I sell these two,... I will be making a will and checking out,...

I am done being told NO,... NO,... NO,... and have to live like an invisable unwanted worthless piece of shit.

This will be my last post.  I have already closed up the other blog and I have deleted 2 years of posts on Facebook. I will continue to delete every post I ever made on there as it was only ever used for gossip by other people.

Noone cared what I was up to,... they just wanted fuel to use against me.

I am tired of being harrassed by Tonyas gossip and Darren and Marks revenge. Do you know Ontario Housings answer to this bullying problem??? They sent ME transfer papers,.... but Mark he is untouchable.

I have my date and time and means,.....

Sorry world but you treated me like shit and I am now fucking done.

last post 

No more blog (fodder for the assholes harrassing me)

Time to fianlly do what I should have done 20 fucking years ago

DIE

I hope I just stroke out and die

 You don't think I'm invisable????? They lost my prescription. I was supposr to have it delivered. THEY FORGOT ABOUT ME AND LOST THE PRESCRIPTION

This is fate after the year I have had. 

SO I am NOT going on medication

I am NOT going to stay 

And now I'll be blamed for that too

NOONE EVEN SEES ME I am fucking invisable

I hope and pray I just stroke out and die now.

DIE
DIE
DIE

Worthless

 How is a person suppose to have any worth when noone will give me any.

My family don't want me

My government keeps me in legislated poverty

I have to climb mountains to get benefits - beg,... beg,... beg,...

I try to better myself by climbing up to a better life, 

But I just keep on getting thrown back.

How am I suppose to feel like I have any worth when noone will give me any.

I just need out of this building and housing but I can't even get landlords to rent to me because I live BELOW the poverty line.

Worthless,...

So tired of my family and country making me feel worthless

FUCK YOU CANADA

I have woken up completely discouraged.

Because I realize I am NEVER getting out of this place.

I am a nobody that nobody gives one shit about.

I am not Jacquie Holyoak

I am a mentally ill monster that has beent thrown away and left to rot

NOONE will allow me to rent from them because I am poor

I give up

I have fought and fought and fought to get out of this damn system but it will never let me go and I will never be a normal human being.

I am poverty scum that even out goven=rnment doesn't want.

If my own governmment doesn't give a shit ~ I don't stand a chance.

So I'm fucking done

NOONE WANTS ME ~ then none will fucking care if I'm gone

FUCK YOU CANADA

I am getting too old for this shit

I know I already posted today. But I had to write again. Today I walked all the way into town just for ONE stupid photo copy. And two hours later I was in the hospital. I had to call 911 as my blood pressure sored over 200. Sometimes if it does that I just sit quiet and it will come down a bit but after that damn walk - I felt like I was having a heart attack. I got sweaty and nauseous and when I took my pressure it was 255 over 195. Any medical person reading this is gasping. That really isn't compatible with life. I immediately called 911. They gave me some meds and made me wait until it got to 180 before I could leave. When I called a taxi to come home it was going to be an hours wait. So i just walked home. 

And that is where I am now. Home. But I am angry that I am 62 and have to struggle so fucking hard for basic needs.

I am fucking EXHAUSTED and I cannot do this anymore,....

I dont' know what to do but I can't do THIS anymore.

I need help

Fucking Benefits are going to be the end of me

I still hadn't managed to get downtown to get that photo copy that the benefit people need. It takes a lot out of me to walk all that way and I just walked yesterday so I really wanted a few days rest. However, I received a lovely threatening letter from the National Disability people,... If I don't get that photo copy to them by Octover 1st - your application will be automatically denied and closed. 

This pisses me off. As the 'able bodied' community has no fucking idea what we go through to get by. That person who is demanding my photo copy is probobly a young person - able bodied - who has a car and has no idea what it's like to live disabled without a vehicle. I hate that they FORCE us to walk when I wasn't really up to it. But I did it. I walked to the printing store and I got their fucking ONE PIECE OF ID photo copy and sent it to them. If this doens't get me the benefit? I am just walking away from this benefit.

I get so sick of people thinking we are as able bodied as they are ~ I am NOT! and they all assume we have some SUV or some vehicle to jump into whenever we need to. 

Transportation has been the biggest problem in my life living here. No reliable taxi service (we have one taxi for all of Fergus and the wait is always an hour or more,...). There are NO BUSES. There is NO transportation available to me so I have to walk everywhere I go. To get groceries,... to take the kittens to the vet,.... anywhere I go I have to WALK with my walker. And our main street through town is under construction so the sidewalks are closed. I had to walk way out of my way today to get to the printers.I wouldn't care so much but getting a letter saying they will denie my benefit and close my application if i dont' walk downtown today!!!!!!

So fucking sick of being poor

So fucking sick of begging for benefits

So fucking sick of being bullied in my own home

I need the fuck out of Fergus but I'm realizing that I may never be able to leave here as,.... why????? I'm poor and therfore landlords won't rent to me

NO FUCKING CHOICES for me,.....

So0 fucking annoyed with this life.

I want so badly to go up north and live in a tiny cabin and just never talk to another human being ever again.

I am so fucking done with people

I need out of this building and Ontario Housing or I will not survive

 I have to get this off of my chest,...

Tonya Halls is not my friend. Just becasue she brought me a box that was left in the lobby does not make me like her again. I told my 2 friends about her coming to my apartment and both said the exact same thing. DONOT TRUST THAT WOMAN

And i do not.

She came to my apartment and gave me the box. But she wouldn't leave. She just stood there waiting - talking about my new kittens. I knew the nosy cow just wanted to see my apartment. I let her in. She actually said "I got my doorbell camera becasue,..." in other words she DOES read my blog and wanted me to think she DIDN'T get the camera to spy on me.

Tonya - you told people I swatted McKenzie,...

You told people I drew on your door

You tried to get me EVICTED!!!!!!! Multiple complaints by you that I was smoking in my unit (I wasn’t and you knew it) But you purposely and diabolically tried to get me homeless. Your a cow.

You told anyone who would listen LIES and gossip to hurt me. You cannot be trusted. We will never be friends and quite frankly I do not want to talk to you.

She was so nosy. What happened in BC?,..... She just wanted fuel to gossip.

I still hate her. I will never trust her. As a nosy gossip never changes.

To come to my door and act like a friend and ask nosy questions just shows me who you really are. You are a gossip who was curious for answers. i wish I had never let her in.

To my two friends who are so worried I trust her,... I don't. Not as far as i can throw her. I like the truce but I still dont' like her. She did a lot of damage to me and refuses to acknowledge it or be big enough to apologize. And until she realizes just how much damage she did to me ~ she will never change. 

So Tonya - stay away from me. We are not friends. You are a nosy cow who just wanted information. You don't like me. You never have. So stop pretending and more to the point - stop being a nosy cow.

And THIS is another reason I need to leave this building. Becasue Tonya hasn't changed. She is still reading this blog. And she still has too much of an interest in me and my life. She has just gone silent and doing behind my back now.

I know your type Tonya and I don't want any part of you.

I will take the truce - but we will NEVER be friends. YOU betrayed me and you don't even have the decency to apologize or even acknowledge you were wrong. To this day, you think you've done nothing wrong when infact you have ruined my life.

Tonya Halls does not exist to me anymore. This will fuel her to start harrassing me again I'm sure. As she just proved she still reads this. She didn't care about the box in the lobby. She just saw my name and a way to get in to be nosy. 

I need out of this building. Because people are far too nosy for their own good and won't leave you alone. I have been isolating not leaving my unit and still they find ways to intrude (this blog)

WHY?

Please ~ someone take pity on me and help me get the fuck out of Ontario Housing.

Noone will rent to me because I'm too poor

Definitely having a pain day today. But I can't just stay in pj's as I have to walk Murphy across the street to his first vet appointment. So I have had to get up and shower regardless of pain. 

I heard through the grapevine (meaning it could be true or it could be nothing) that Mark feels bad about yelling at me and would like to apologize. Heres what I really think about this situation.

When Mark first moved here, I thought he was a nice guy. I actually didn't mind sitting in the gazebo chatting with him. It wasn't until Darren and I had our huge blow out a few years ago that he sided with Darren and turned into an asshole.

When I met Darren, I was bubbly and chatty and laughed all the time. A few years of hanging out with Darren ~ and I turned dark. Darren is anti-cops,... anti-government,.... just anarchy,... he has no problem telling a 93 year old woman to fuck off and actually thinks he is in the right doing it. (His neighbour beside him is 93 and he told her son to fuck off and that he doesn't care if he is bothering Denise with his constant raging,...) Over the few years I was with him, I turned dark and paranoid and hated people just because Darren did. He does it over time and very subtly. You just wake up one day and realize you are dark. Your thoughts are dark. You have turned against society and have become miserable. He does that to you without you even noticing. He sucks you in to all his hates and talks about them every single day so you get to believe you hate these people too. When infact, I hadn't even met the people he was always raging on about. (His past best friend and that guys family who took him in). He really does suck you in to his darkness.

And I think this has happened with Mark. I think when he is with Mark he just constantly complains about what I did to him. (and all I did was call the humane society on him for abusing his cat) sucking Mark into that drama. I think Darren complained so bad it got to Mark and he had to come out to the gazebo and rage on me. Blaming me for upsetting the precious Darren. I honestly believe that without Darren ~ Mark would be a nice guy. He WAS a nice guy. Until he chose to believe Darren. 

And from what I hear through the grapevine,... people have heard what he did to me and are turning against him. I know of 3 women who have said the exact same thing I am saying. he USED to be nice,... what happened? Darren Green happened. And since our blow up? He has turned all my gazebo friends against me.

But now?I don't give a shit. I dont' want anything to do with either one of those guys. They are now invisable to me and no longer exist. I almost feel bad for Mark as he has no idea what is happening to him. And he won't until Darren turns on him too. And that will happen becasue he can't control his anger. One day he will turn on Mark too. but it will be too late. He has already lost respect from a lot of the women in this building when they heard what he did to me. I didn't even tell anyone. So karma is in the works. I knew if I just retreated,... shut up,.... and stay inside it would all blow over. 

But even then ~ I will never step foot in that disgusting gazebo ever again. You can keep your drama. I'll stay safe inside.

As for Mark? I feel for him. Becasue he will come to his senses just like I did someday. but it will be too late. I will never accept his apology and I will never think of him as descent human being ever again. He screamed at me at the top of his lungs for 11 full minutes. I was scared.

But ~ enough of that. 

Back to moving. It looks like the only way I am going to secure an apartment or rental is to have a friend rent to me. Becasue as far as I am finding out ~ if your on ODSP? landlords wont' even call you back. And they definitely wont' rent to you.

So I am trapped again. I have tried so hard to claw my way out of the system but it keeps on finding ways to throw me back. And here I am back,... 

You know that Lily Allen song? "Everythings just wonderful" she sing:

Oh Jesus Christ almighty

Do I feel alright, no not slightly

I wanna get a flat, I know I can't afford it

It's just a bureaucrats who won't give me a mortgage

It's very funny 'cos I got your fucking money

And I'm never gonna get it, just because of my bad credit

Oh well I guess I musn't grumble

I suppose this is the way the cookie crumble

I keep singing that one line over and over again,... "It's very funny 'cos I got your fucking money and I'm never going to get it, just because of my bad credit"

Anyone who knows me - KNOWS I can stretch a penny like it's elastic. On my income tax for 2024 my total income was only $13,000. If I can live off of that,... I can live off of anything. And I can certainly afford their damn rentals. But because - on paper - I am poor and on ODSP - I will never be given an apartment.

So again,... i say my famous quote that lost me all my friends,...

"The middle class have it so much easier than we do down here"

I can afford your apartment ~ but noone will give me a chance and rent to me. I have been renting for nearly 20 years and have only ever missed ONE rental payment which I paid a few days late. I am responsible and a good tenant.

But noone will rent to me becasue I'm poor on ODSP.

I am going to be stuck in this horrible prison forever,....

I can't accept that,... I won't live here,...

Someone, somewhere can help me,... I just have to find that someone,...

Please let me move away from this prison

Dont tell me we don't have a housing crisis in Ontario!!!!! Your safe if your middle class,... but us down here get thrown away to rot,...

NO APARTMENT FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm deflating a little bit

I've had a slow start to today. I'm having a bad pain day. I knew it was coming after my marathon walk getting groceries yesterday. All that pushing my heavy walker. So I took some edibles before bed last night so I could sleep, but that has caused me to feel quite drowsy today. It's the reason I don't like edibles as they always leave me sluggish. So I have just had a pajama day today.

I took the opportunity to talk again with my friend Beth for more ideas. She threw out Kingston as an idea to move. I looked it up and I love it. I have been to Kingston before and loved it. So I got looking for apartments and there are cheaper ones I could afford. But my friend Beth reminded me of one problem I am going to have. As soon as renters see I am on ODSP they won't want to rent to me. Infact, I think she is right. I think I am going to have a very difficult time acquiring a rental with my budget. 

This is BLATANT discrimination of the poor. I am so poor I can't even secure an apartment. Even if I can afford it and pay rent every month. I won't get the unit.

I may not be able to move as noone will rent to me on ODSP.

This has made my heart sink a bit. But it hasn't discouraged me entirely. When I want something I will find a way to make it happen. If I have to pay them one years rent up front I will. (I will have help with this from someone if I have to) Anything to secure an apartment. I may have to do the basement apartment route which I really never wanted to do again. With my mental illness living with bright windows is important to my health. Dark basements leave me depressed.

What to do? 

Why do I never have the choices that others seem to have????

Because I'm poor and mentally ill,... that's why.

I'm deflating a bit knowing if I can't get out of this building I will suffocate and die.

I HAVE to get out of here,... there must be someone out there who has a granny flat or cabin or tiny house or something they can rent me,...

I'm starting to get that nagging feeling that there just isnt' a place for me on this planet.

Everyone just says no,...

Theres got to be someone out there who will give me a chance.

I can't stay in this building

Things just keep on getting better

Today has been good in so many ways. I was able to walk to both Walmart and Freshco (2 seperate trips) and get groceries. The weather is just so beautiful. We're halfway through September and it's still gorgeous out. Fall has always been my favourite time of year.

When I got home I had a call from a woman here in my building. I have been chatting with her a bit over the past few months. She told me only the gazebo is awful. She has suggested I stay here. Not move away. She will introduce me to her friends here in the building who are lovely people. I just haven't met them as I am forced to sit out in that damn gazebo as it's the smoking area. I told her how everyone hates me and she said thats not true at all. Just ignore Mark and Darren. Pretend they are invisable and don't exist (exactly what I had said) and just start fresh. Hmmmmm It's soomething to think about. But the other reason I wanted out of Fergus is my daughter and brother live here too. With a population of about 25,000 I am bound to run into them here and there. Right now I don't becasue I am purposely hibernating inside. Isolating,... not seeing anyone. But if I am to have a fresh start I want to go outside. Living here is just - bad memories and no hope. I really did want a fresh start in a different city or town where none of my family live.

But,... never say never. Everything is an option right now. And I actually have people to talk to about it now and get their opinions and support. After BC, whatever I do, I won't be doing it in haste. I am definitely open to suggestions as it's a big world out there and I am so hiden from it all. Naive. I am very open to anyone with ideas for a better life. I have committed myself to stay alive and live now that I have adopted these kittens. I owe them however many years they remain on this planet. But for me to do that, things have to change.

This woman who called me was talking about how there are a lot of lonely people in this building. That I knew,... so after she hung I got to thinking. We have a common room here we can book for social events or different things. What if,... what if we started a once a week (or month) club where the people can help the community. By making up emergency toiletry bags for not only the homeless, but for the domestic violence women in shelters or for folk going into Homewood. I once ended up in St. Thomas phychiatric hospital naked from a failed overdose. I had nothing. I was in a different city than I lived and knew no one. But some church in that community had made up these emergency toiletry bags and that bag was the difference between brushing my teeth and showering and not. I was very grateful someone had taken the time out to make up these bags. What if I was to start a program where we do something like that. Winter is coming and cabin fever sets in fast when you live alone. This would get us out once in awhile and give us something to do. 

So I called our volunteer organization and left a message for someone to call me. Becasue I am sure there is something already set up doing this. (why invent the wheel twice?) If there is we can just expand it to the people in this building. It's a win-win.

It doesn't even have to be that. Anything. I will wait to hear back from that group before making any plans as I'm sure we just have to be connected to an already up and running program.

I refuse to spend one more winter depressed - lonely - and bored out of my mind. I HAVE to do something.

Another day waking up smiling

I woke up giggling again today. How can you not wake up happy being kissed on the nose by two hungry kittens. Such a nice change waking up happy.

My team lost their game yesterday ~ badly. I hope this isnt' a sign of whats to come this season. But regardless how they play I will always be a fan. Manchester United has given me years of pleasure.

Another housing moment: I was doing laps and at the other end of the hall my neighbour was sat on her walker so I stopped to chat. We heard a tiny voice calling out. Turns out another neighbour had fallen in her bathroom and couldn't get up. She's 93. So I ran in and my neighbour got her husband and we managed to get her up. So sad. But apparently she is fiercly indepent and won't let her kids take her in. I get that for sure. Independence is extrememly important to me for sure. I wouldn't want to be a 'goose-berry' living in someone elses home either. I guess this is the downside to aging. Especially if your mind stays as sharp as a tack (like this woman's) but your body keeps letting you down. I worry about this as it's already starting to happen on a smaller scale. Old age is not for the faint of heart.

I put in yet another Amazon order for some cat stuff. But it never arrived when it was suppose to. Turns out the delivery driver did it again. Dumped it in the lobby and without alerting me took off. But heres the kicker,... Tonya found it and brought it up to me. TONYA. But because I was so grateful that someone found my package and took the time to bring it up to me,... I was actually grateful. We ended up chatting. Instead of telling her to fuck off - (I seriously just can't take anymore nonsense) I extended my hand and said "truce?" and she shook it. I have no interest in going backwards. I have no interest in drama or hatred. I just want to get on with my life. Considering she has been good since I got back and has left me alone I figured that deserved a truce. She has grown up and is being a descent human being. We will never be friends. But all I ask is that there is no more animosity. I just want peace. If this is a true gesture, then I am grateful and will accept it. Now if only Darren could do the same,...

I am still enjoying Murphy and Molly. I thought by now I would be frazzled and maybe even wonder if I had done the right thing. But I have. There is no doubt that getting 2 is much easier than having one. They play with each other and leave me alone to just sit and watch and enjoy them. I have taken anything breakable out and my livingroom is now a safe kitten nursery. I have no regrets and look forward to watching these two little rascals grow up.

I have an empty fridge and empty cupboards. It's not even money that is the problem. It's getting out and across the street to shop. Lately I have been feeling weak,... light-headed,... just off. I haven't had the confidence to go out as I feel like I might pass out or something. But now I have an empty kitchen so I have no choice. I have to get out today. The weather looks bright and sunny which is on my side. Having fibromyalgia really dictates how I live my life. Some days I'm capable of a lot ~ but other days I can't even get out of bed. 

But today I will go out. I am desperate for groceries.

It's Derby Day!

Before I start writing about today, I would like to write about yesterday. Because it was a great day. And great days are few and far between in my my life. It was great because I was busy from the minute I woke up until the time I went to bed. It used to be that my biggest issue in life was being bored. Facing 16 to 18 hours a day of emptiness that I would have to fill. I was bored out of my mind.

But now, I get up smiling. THAT hasn't happened in a very long time. These kittens have me laughing all day long. Yesterday the time flew by,...

Dare I hope I have a life now? 

Today is going to be a good day too as it's Derby day. A Derby in football is when two long time rivals meet on the pitch. (Think Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Canadians in hockey). Fans look forward to Derby games as they seem to have an extra level of excitement to them. And this morning is that game. Manchester United against Manchester City. When I was feeling so down the past few months, I was losing my passion for football. (I was losing my passion for life in general) but now I seem to have gotten it back. 

If I had one wish in this world it would most definitely be to fly to England and go to a Manchester United match at Old Trafford. But seeing as that dream will never happen, I guess I will just have to make do with watching games every weekend here at home. I don't know what it is about football that gets me so passionate, but without it I don't think I would be here today. Sometimes football was literally all I had to look forward to.

But I am looking forward now and hopefully those dark days are all behind me. Nothing but plans for the future. 

I have always dreaded holidays as I spend them all alone. But I have to admit that my 62nd birthday turned out to be one of the best days I have had in a long time.

I keep mentioning hope. And that is because I finally feel like I have some. Maybe life won't be so bad afterall.

It went down - phewwwwww

 I'm not going to lie. My blood pressure was so high this morning I was quite concerned. But luckily it has come down enough I no longer have to worry about calling anyone. Now it is just sitting at it's 'normal' high 166/108. Still not good,... but it's out of the danger zone now. 

So, after my routine ocd clean, I am now sitting watching football. My two little kittens have worn each other out and are sound asleep. I've made a coffee and I'm just about to sit down to watch tv. It's GAME DAY. My team doesn't play until tomorrow so I am just watching other league games. Tomorrow Manchester United play their rivals in the Manchester Derby - Manchester City. It's always a great game when these two teams come together. 

I still haven't managed to walk into town to get that photo copy of my ID to send to the National Disability Benefit office. Walking into town has always been one of those things I have to wait until everything aligns. The weather and my pain level. And because of that I haven't managed to get out. So I have that in the back of my mind. Leaving me anxious. 

I've been surfing online for rentals up North and I am confident that I will be able to get something. But it will be really north. Thunder Bay,... Sudbury,... but considering I hav e no ties to anyone or anything it really doesn't matter where I end up. I will be alone regardless. So may as well be alone where I can better afford life. I don't think I will end up moving until the spring but I can certainly start my search now for a new place.

I REFUSE to live in this hell hole. I went to BC to escape this place. Just because I am back doens't mean anything has changed. I am still the hated person here and that has made it immpossible for me to survive here. You need friends,... aquaintances,... people to chat with. But here I do nothing but hide trying to avoid nasty people.

I will not survive if I stay here. I WILL break down and commit suicide. I just can't take it here. I have no choice but to escape for my own sanity. Just yesterday I was doing my laps in the hall when I had to listen to Darren have one of his famous rages. This time it was his video game. For my whole 10 laps he raged about his video game. The guy is black cloud of anger. Hearing him - yet again - just reiterated how much I need to get the hell out of here.

So the countdown is on,... I need to find an apartment for $1300 - $1500 a month by spring. Sounds immpossible I know but it HAS to be found. I will NOT be living here next year. NOT. NOT. NOT.

Some good news? I had 3 people hear what Mark did to me (I only told 2 friends and housing but it must have got around) and they made the effort to come to me and tell me they do not feel the same way Mark and Darren do and they were mad that he lumped them in with "everybody hates you" I guy and 2 women let me know they don't agree with Mark and they feel bad what he is doing. But as you can guess, noone does anything becasue he's Mark. 6 ft 7 Mark. So he got away with being a bully and chasing me right out of my own home. 

But now going to dwell on the past. Only look forward. New kittens,... new aprtment,... new town,.... fresh start.

So roll on spring,... cuz I have to get the hell out of this building.

It's toxic

I was having such a great day too!

I guess this is just my life,... something good happens only to be balanced out with something negative. 

I have not been taking my medication. Why? Because of something I have never told anyone. I was robbed in BC and all my meds were stolen. I had gotten a 3 month supply to take with me. But when I was in the homeless camp,... I was sitting by myself on my walker with all my belongings around me. I was sitting on a road amoung about 200 other homeless. A guy came up to me and without even looking at me, picked up my backpack and started going through it. I yelled at him and tried to take it back but he pulled a knife. So I literally stood there watching him steal half the stuff out of my backpack. Noone around me helped or even cared. I was smart enough to keep my purse (which is a tiny backpack) omy chest UNDER my hoodie so he didn't see it. That had all my money in it so thankfully that was safe. But he took my medication. 3 months worth. I was so low at the time I just took it. I just let him. I didn't cry out. I didn't say anything to anyone. I just let him. So it has left me with guilt and shame that I just let him.

And now that I am back in Ontario - I have no meds. And I just haven't replaced them since I got back as I was so depressed I wanted to end my life. But now,... I want to live.

But it is 1:00 in the morning and I was woken up not by kittens, but a pressure headache. I got up and made coffee and took my blood pressure. 191/121. As far as I knew - that reading is dangerous. I SHOULD be calling an ambulance. But I already have a bill over $500 for damn ambulances. I refuse to have to pay $45 for health care that everyone else gets free.

Now I am reading on the community pages here in Fergus that people are getting doctors when they aren't even on the Health Connect list. So doctors are by-passing using the health care list we are all on WAITING and taking patients other ways. I know as the folk in this group are saying things like "I got in Dr so and so becasue my neighbour got me in,..." 

I've been on that list for YEARS!!! WAITING! So why are others getting doctors while I'm still waiting???

This provinces health care is fucked.

I am 62 with severe high blood pressure,... fibromyalgia,... mental illness amoung only a few of the things I am dealing with yet no doctor. And calling the walk-in????

Good fucking LUCK,.... I can never get through,....

So here I am with a headache,.... nausea,... and a blood pressure in the dangerous zone. I have 2 brand new 10 week old kittes here so I can't call 911 even if I wanted to.

So I have no idea what is going to happen as I honestly do not feel well. My head is pounding and I feel 'spacy' when I get up. I KNOW something is going on but - NO FUCKING DOCTOR

I am not asking for an all expenses paid trip to Australia! I just want what everyone else seems to have but I can't get,.... It really does make me feel like I am just not worth it to anyone.

And apparently those on the waiting list for one get by-passed. WHO is in control of who gets a doctor?????

I am def going to die of a stroke or heart attack if I don't get a doctor and some CONSISTENT health care.

I don't know what the fuck happened to this country but it has declined. SEVERELY. I am 62 - living in legislated poverty with no doctor and no transportation. 

This society has thrown me away.

So when they find me dead on the floor or completely incapacitated from a stroke,.... don't ever fucking say "Why didn't she go to a doctor,..."

BECASUE IT WAS TOO FUCKING HARD OR EXPENSIVE

Maybe I'll be alive in the morning,... but maybe I won't. Only fate knows. 

And sadly I have no fucking control over my health care.

I hate this fucking town and I cannot wait to get the hell out of here.

And he's here,...

 He has arrived ~ "Murphy Baba O'Reily" and he's awesome. I definitely made the right decision getting another one. They play together great. I think they will be the best fo friends. I am happy.

But it does make me question what happened at both of the cat organizations in this area. I tried to get a cat from Cats annonymous and got nothing but a run-around. IF I had gone with them it would cost me hundreds of dollars just to get the cat (no vet or food - just to buy the cat) In going through Kijiji instead ~ I ended up with TWO kittens for $20 total and THEY WERE DRIVEN RIGHT HERE TO MY HOME. I think these cat organizations are so hell bent on their rules and regulations and admin that they lose sight of the what they are about. FINDING HOMES FOR THEIR CATS. Especially the Arthur Animal Rescue. They made me feel STUPID because I didn't know what forum to have their 'meeting' on and when I asked I got told "to ask a friend and when you figure out call me back" I was totally turned off by their lack of interest so went elsewhere. The next organization wanted me to come to their place in another town ~ twice ~ causing me ridiculous taxi fee's. 

The cats I got ` the owners took the time to drive them to me as they wanted their cat to have a good home. And now they do.

Arthur Animal Rescue and Cats Annonymous ~ two of your cats lost out on getting a happy and healthy home with vet care. All because you didn't want to go the extra to help me out. YOUR LOSS.

I called the vet this morning to make an appointment for Murphy. Now the money I saved NOT using the organizations, I can now put toward getting these two little rascals fixed. It will be a lot - about $1000 for both. But important so it will get done. I have no regrets going the route I did to get my little kittys,... I think fate stepped in this week and got me what I want with my two kittens.

And so I sit here watching these two little rascals getting to know each other.

Things are looking up for me. I am feeling happier and stronger every day.

Once I move and get the hell out of Fergus life will be complete and I can start fresh.

Hope ~ such a small word but has given me the difference between staying alive or ending it,....

I'm so glad I am where I am today.

I have had a shit show of a life the past few months. But once again I have picked myself up and dusted myself off and carried on,...

Right now? Life is good,....

Well doesn't my world change quickly

I have returned from the vet and Molly is doing beautifully. She is 9 - 10 weeks old and weighs 2.2 pounds. Infact,... the vet talked about getting a second kitten the same age (she suggested a male tabby as she has one as she says they have great dispostions for integrating). It's not something I had thought about but I have had multiple cats before with no problem. (Kiara and Colonol StudMuffin). Before I had even really thought about it,... an orange male tabby 10 weeks old fell into my lap. How? An ad on Kijiji that I had messaged at the same time as I had for Molly. He was away and just got my message. It's a breeder so I know it will be a healthy kitten. And he is dropping it off tomorrow morning at 9:30. I should be hesitant,... I should probobly think this over more. But I said yes. I have put money away already so I have the money for vet and neutering so why not? My vet says cats are happier in pairs. 

So I went from no cat to two cats in one week. I'll let you know how it goes,...

"Murphy Baba O'Reily"

FIFA is coming!

 

I am still waking up happy. Getting Molly was abolutely the right thing to have done. She is BUSY but fun. Before I spent my days watching tv and trying to fill up all the empty hours. Now I just sit and watch this kitten. She has filled my apartment up with life. So no regrets with Molly. 

I am actually taking her to the vet this morning. I am curious to know how old she is. My guess is 8 weeks but I am not familiar with kittens so will have to wait and see. I have to walk her over there on my walker. So this is either going to go one of two ways. Like an infant in a stroller, she will just go to sleep. but I have a feeling that isn't going to be the case. I don't think she's going to like it. But it's just across the street (I can see the vets from my livingroom window) so it will only 5 minutes. fingers crossed it all goes well.

I am still feeling well and optimistic about my future. I am confident I can find another place and be out of this building by spring. This has given me a whole different outlook for my future. I have hope now. I really do feel like if I can escape this compound, life could get much better. Even if it doesn't work out ~ at least I can say I tried. If you don't try,... nothing changes. I have to at least try to get away from this enviroment. 

I enjoyed a week of international football. (Called the international break) All around the world, players stop playing for their league games and go to their national teams to play international games to qualify for FIFA 2026. And Canada got in this week. Which means Canada is going to FIFA. For a die-hard footy fan this is awesome news. I only wish I could afford to go to an actual game. But like everywhere, only the rich will be able to go to FIFA games. I hate that. The working class - who the game is for - will not be able to enjoy going to these events. FIFA has priced the average person right out of affording tickets. So I will have to be content watching it all on tv. But this does give me a taste of what is coming,... exciting football. FIFA has always been one of my favourite life events. And I've got a good year of it to watch. Bliss,...

And just in case anyone wonders who we are rooting for it's Canada and England.

Just showing you what single women have to put up with on Facebook

If this weren't so annoying it would be humourous. I get about 2 or 3 of these a week. You know they are fake instantly. Three posts on their timeline is the first giveaway,... but usually a quick google lens search tells me all I need to know. Obviusly I have no interest in these scammers but sometimes when i'm bored I do like to call them out. This particular (persistant) guy has over 7 names to this picture and they all lead back to Emmanuel in ghana (surprize surprize!)

But even after messaging him proof of his fake profile showing him the 7 names,... he still thinks women are stupid,... again,... if it weren't so annoying, it would be humourous the desperation in these scammers. 

Enjoy what I have to put up with just because my profile has me listed as a single woman.

 

There is STILL someone harrassing me

Anyone reading this blog can see that I am finally doing ok. I am NOT suicidal. Infact,... I have been feeling stronger and more positive in the past few weeks than I have in YEARS. I received my settlement money ~ which wasn't that much ~ but it was enough to save me from my disaster in BC. Without that settlement money, I would still be homeless on Vancouver Island to this day. But I was able to use that money to buy Motel rooms and plane tickets to get me back home. And once home ~ I had NOTHING so the money helped to get me re-established. So theres no doubt that settlement money saved my life. I had to get hit by a car and lose the use of my right hand to receive it ~ but it did save my life.

But it's gone now,... and BC is behind me. I have started fresh.

Since I have lived in this building weird things happen. Stupid annoying things that just harrass. My storage locker broken into,...things like that. I dont' know who did it but it's annoying. Whats happening right now is one of those annoying things I can't stop,... because I don't know who is doing it. But over the past week I have had police,... facebook and Ontario Housing call or knock on my door to ask if I am ok as they have had calls that I am suicidal. I USED to be suicidal,... but now??? I am good. Better than good,.... positive. So why am I being flooded with harrassment saying I'm not. WHO is calling all of these organziations and saying they think I'm suicidal?? I had the police here last week!!!

For the record ~ I AM NOT SUICIDAL

I opened Facebook this morning to find yet another "Are you ok?" pop up. I have had 2 or 3 every single morning for the past month. Someone is deliberately harrassing me calling professionals to say I'm suicidal. Clearly,.... I am not right now. It is a witch hunt.

I don't understand why people do this? Does it really make them happy to watch someone frustrated from harrassment? Why do people enjoy watching others hurt????? I am just fed up of it all. I can guess whos behind it. But the truth is I will never know. But to tell Facebook 13 days in a row that I am suicidal is HARRASSMENT. I am going to lose my facebook account if it doesn't stop. Infact,... maybe I should just close up Facebook altogether. Which is sad as I just re-opened it again. 

Why do people care what I do???? 

I am sending out a big "PLEASE,.... you've had your fun but now it's time to stop. Just let it go. Pretend I don't exist and find someone else to 'entertain' yourself with. I am leaving soon anyway,...."

But let me tell you this,... You not being able to stop harrassing someone is legally 'stalking' and I have had enough. It's gone on since the day I moved into this building and has only worsened over the 9 years I've been here.

But for someone to deliberately make a point of lying to Facebook that I am suicidal for nearly two weeks strait every singel day??? YOU NEED HELP YOURSELF???? Take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself why you need to keep on doing stuff to me. It's NOT NORMAL to harrass someone for years and not stop. I am leaving because of it. And once I'm gone???? Then who will be your target?

I have to confess that living here for the past 9 years has changed me 100% from a kind person who cared about others into a cynical bitch. 9 years of nasty harrassment have taken their toll. 

The only way to escape all of this is to get the fuck out of Ontario Housing. 

So mr "I am lonely and have noone, so I have to make trouble to keep amused" - STOP contacting people to say I'm suicidal" I am not and You know it. 

It's blatant HARRASSMENT.

I have already started looking for a new place and I hope to be out of this hell hole by spring. 

These people are toxic and bored and nasty and just harrass folk becasue they can. I had never been in an enviroment like it since I moved into Ontario Housing. It's a cesspool of nastiness.

I can't wait to get the fuck out of here,...

But for the life of me I just can't figure out WHY people do this????

WHY???????

It's like someone is deliberately trying to keep me down. I get positive and healthy? They don't seem to like that. So they need to harrass,..... why?

Dear World

Dear World,... Please be patient with me.

I AM trying,...

 

To a new beginning

Another good night. Molly left me alone and I got a great nights sleep. Bliss.

I have woken up in a good mood for the first time in a very long time. Because over the past few days, I have been making plans. And after talking with a few people, I realize I CAN get away from this place and I WILL get away from this toxic enviroment.

It CAN happen.

So I have a few things my friend suggested I do and then we search for a new apartment but this time it will be north of highway 9. I am done with city living. I want to go to a rural area. My friend Beth is very familiar with the area I am looking to move to as she was a real estate agent for that area. She even specialized in seniors and downsizing and even wrote books on it. She was a wealth of information. We tossed around ideas and thoughts and in the end I think I decided to just move up north where life is a tiny bit cheaper and therefore (hopefully) a bit easier. And that is my homework for today.

Looking for an apartment north of hwy 9 that is $2000 or under.

If anyone reading this can help me out in any way,... please get in touch. Information is gold and I would appreciate the help.

For the first time in YEARS! I had a good birthday and I am even looking forward to other holidays. That includes CHRISTMAS. I haven't celebrated Christmas in a while as I have been alone. But this year, I plan on having a lovely little Chirstmas. Not a big celebration, but I will decorate a little (as much as you can with a kitten!) and I will make a nice dinner.

I can't believe that 2 months ago I was homeless and suicidal and just wanted to die. Today,... I have found hope. 

September 7th ~ my 62nd birthday ~ is the first day of my fresh start. And this time, things WILL change. I won't let the "dianne's" of this world scam me or take advantage of me this time. Now I have Beth and Trish to support me in this move. I know they will look out for me and my best interest.

Sad my family is gone and don't even want me,... but I have friends. DNA means nothing sometimes. Over the years it's been friends who have come to help me - not family. Infact when I got back from BC. Traumatized and homeless,... all i wanted was a hug from my family. But instead I got "How could you do this to us?" and was told to fuck off and never come back.

So that is what I am doing,... it is time to break ties altogether with my girls. I have tried to have a relationship but it wasn't meant to be. So it is time to let it go and move on. I love and miss my daughters more than anyone will know. But i am tired of being the mentally ill monster who is always doing wrong,.... letting them go and no longer have to feel worthless.

Today I start fresh. A strong independent woman starting a new life.

You can knock me down,.... several times,.... but I always seem to get back up fighting,... I dont' know where this strength comes from. Maybe it's not strength at all. maybe I just hasd no choice and had to cope. But no more,... now I take charge of my life.

No more Ontario Housing

No more bullies like Darren and Mark

No more gossips and liars using people for their entertainment

No more Fergus,.... 

No more family pointing thier fingers in my face demeaning me into feeling suicidal,....

All gone,....

September 7th 2025 is my new beginning. This time next year i will be up north with new friends and Molly.