There is no day and night anymore. I am sequestered away in this apartment for 24 hours a day. All I can do to pass the time is watch tv and clean. The rest of the time I pace around feeling unsettled. Wanting something to do,... needing something to occupy my mind. But there is nothing.

My pain has been worse. It is the end of October and the weather has changed. There is a crispness to the air now that seeps into my bones and stays there. It is pain. And so my mobility has suffered. I am now at the point where doing anything hurts. The only pain relief I have is the THC vape. But not even this is touching the pain anymore. I think all it does now is dull my body so the pain isn't as sharp and intense. But it's still there and very uncomfortable. Pain has a way of taking you over. When I get like this I am not patient. My mood is not good. If I did live with someone I'm sure I wouldn't be the most pleasant to have around when I am in this much pain. It makes you a different person.

So I have brought the bed topper out to the livingroom again and I am pretty much just spending my days and nights sitting in my lounge chair watching tv or laying on that topper on the floor watching tv. But either way it's not fun. The pain can be overwhelming which makes it hard to concentrate on anything. When I am in this much pain I can't read and when I do watch tv, I can't absorb myself into it so I'm not really paying attention. When I get like this my life is one word.

PAIN

And this means that my life now is sitting in a chair,... or lying on the floor,... and doing nothing. I don't see people,... I don't talk to people,... with the Darren shit going on I don't leave my apartment much anymore at all. I just hide away inside. I never have a conversation with anyone,.... I think this is very unhealthy. becasue you can get really stuck in your own head. You have all these things going on,... pain,... poverty,... no people in your life,... so it's easy to just get overwhelmed with the negativity of it. I have no other person to talk to to. i get no other perspective so I think I drown in my own lonliness and despair.

I can't change this situation. I have tried. But I am stuck. I have NOTHING to look forward to. Nobody visits,... nobody calls,... nobody cares,... I am alone and will always be alone. I will fucking die alone. What kind of life is this? Its a cruel one. And i'm so confused that people think it's ok to just leave me here lying in my pit - unhappy and lonely - and never connect. Do they think I have a life with others so I'm ok? Do they not realize how bad my situation is? I don't know. Maybe it's just that horrible thought I dont' want to go to,....

I am just a bad person no one likes and therefore no one cares to visit or call,... because I can't think of any other reason someone would think it's ok to just throw me away while I am strugging. 

I'm not asking for money. I think thats what my kids think I want. But it's not. All I'm asking for is your time. I cant go anywere so people have to come here. But no one does. THAT is a very hard pill to swallow because it means your not liked or appreciated or cared about. You are just someone who isn't really connected to any one individual so I flounder around alone. No spouse,... 2 children ~ one who wants nothing to do with me and the other its like pulling teeth just to get over here,.... (I'm just so BUSY!!). And in the end - NO ONE comes and I am alone. 

SO WHY AM I FUCKING HERE? No people in my life,... just pain,.... poverty,... and boredom that is so bad I can't bear it.

My days run into the nights,... My nights run into my days so that there is no day and night anymore. Just one 24 hour period where I sleep when I doze off and I am awake off and on. I am like an animal now. Sleep for a few hours,... awake for a few hours,... nothing to do so may as well go back to bed,.... sleep all day,... up all night,... days run into nights,... nights run into days,... and in this I am always alone.