I have been quite unsettled since I found out that Dr. R** has officially said no to taking me back as a patient so I can go through the MAiDs process. Becasue now my whole life has changed. For two years I have been doing what I need to do to use MAiDs. I followed all theri requirements. I had two meetings with two different doctors. I waited for them to get back to me and they never did. So in the end I sent letters telling them I thought blanking me and forgetting about me was unprofessional and i dropped them as my MAiDs doctors. I know what they were doing,... Both of them had theri initial visits with me. They both gave me prescriptions for med and then left. NOW I realize what they were doing was waiting for the meds they gave me to "work" (becasue again to them my problem is mental illness not pain) and they were hoping I would say "Hey I feel so much better now I am not going to bother ending my life,...: I'm pretty sure this is what happend. At least it's the better option of just being forgotten and blanked.

And of course on top of that the government had put theri dirty paws into the MAiDs program changing the criteria or credentials of who could use MAiDs. So in the end,... how could I get MAiDs when THEY didn't even know what was going on becasue of the government stepping in. It was all a big mess. And now,... I have been told in no uncertain terms that without a family doctor to help me through the process I cannot even sign up.

So I won't. I'm kind of sick of theri running around and avoiding me anyway. it was two years of maybe,.... well FUCK YOU! Now I know where I stand. For the past two years I was hoping in the back of my mind MAiDs would come through for me. Thats what i have been holding off for,... But now I know MAiDs is NEVER going to happen. Becasue the priviledged and happy shiny people have put theri GOD-like foot down and said no. 

Thats ok. I have other means. NOW I know for sure MAiDs is not available to me I can now put 100% of my effert into doing it myself. I don't know where ot buy fentynl. But I will find out. I don't have a car to get to where I need to go but I will,... I will save up and take a taxi it Guelph. I know where the drugs are in Guelph,... I just need a ride there. And now that I am not hoping and counting on and waiting for MAiDs,... I can just get on with plan B.

I'm not happy,... and this life doesn't allow me to be,... so I'm not going to chnage my mind. Last Christmas was traumatizing to me. It was so painful i never,... ever,... want to go through that again. So I wont'. 

I promise you,... I will be gone by Christmas. 

if you want to help,.... send fentynl,.... it's going to happen,... just a matter of when,.....

I'm so fucking angry at society I can't even be here anymore,.....