Thanksgiving weekend

It was the Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend. For the first time since before covid I was invited out for dinner. My friend Becky texted to say they had an extra place at their table for Thanksgiving dinner and wanted me to fill it. Now for most of you this would be a nice gesture,... you would go,... have a nice time and then move on. But to me, this was a precious invite. I usually spend most holidays alone. Even this year I texted my daughter Hayley BEFORE the long weekend to ask what she was doing for Thanksgiving dinner. She didn't even text back until Sunday afternoon. By this time half the weekend was already gone. If I hadn't had Becky's invite for dinner, then I would have been alone for yet another year. I purposely texted Hayley before the weekend so that she would know I was alone and available for a dinner. But she didn't even text back leaving me hanging. In the end she said her and her boyfriend went to his brothers for dinner on the Sunday. But she didn't ask what I was doing. 

This is such a frustrating situation for me. Whenever a dinner holiday comes around the very first thing I ever did over the years was PLAN AHEAD. Weeks ahead. I would have called my mother to see what she was doing and if she had no plans I would have included her in mine as I actually care about what my Mother did on her holidays. I would never have let her spend one holiday alone. (She never did) But Hayley just doesn't care what I do for holidays. I know this because she didn't even ask if I had plans. And without Beckys invite,... I WOULD have spent yet another holiday alone. This situation has me troubled. My own daughters don't care what I do,.... or who (if anybody) I do it with. Just so long as they don't get STUCK with me. I can't help but feel terribly hurt. Thanksgiving is a time to be with family and celebrate what you have in your lives and be grateful for it. It breaks my heart year after year that none of my family cares that I am alone on holidays. I know this becasue if I cared about someone I would NEVER ever let them be alone on a holiday. It is soul destroying to know you are so unwanted. But I can't force my children to want me. They either want to spend time with me or they don't,.... and this just proves they don't. 

My sole purpose on this planet was being a Mom. But over the years, this role was taken away from me leaving me with a huge hole in my heart. Loving someone comes natuarally. It's either there,.. or it isn't,... and you certainly can't force it. So knowing this I have a very heavy heart. I have no purpose to my life if I am not a Mom. It's not my girls fault they don't want me. (I still hold their father resposible for this) Again you can't force a realtionship. So if they don't want one with me ~ I certainly can't force it. It just is what it is and that breaks my heart.

Dinner at Beckys was lovely. That was the first time i have done anything socially in YEARS. To the point that i was nervous. I feel like I have lost my social skills. Small talk. All day I was anxious as even though I know Becky and her husband Rob well,... their daughter and Beckys father were going to be there and I had never met them. So this was a big deal for me. To go out and "be social" was actually hard. Because of my finanical situation I don't go out. I don't socialize at all. I can't. it's just not available to people with no money or no transportation. In the end things were great and I once I met her father and daughter it was fine. i relaxed and had a good evening. 

Over the past five years since I have been thrown into poverty going on ODSP, Becky has been the one and only constant in my life that I could count on. There have been two or three times she has come to my rescue when no one else was around. Through all my good years I had dozens and dozens of friends. Because I was like them. I was one of them. But now,... being this poor I have nothing to offer anyone. And they don't understand just how serious my poverty is. Most people think I'm exagerating and just whining. I know this as people have called me on it right on Facebook. But the folks thinking this,.. are priviledged themselves and have NO IDEA just how tiring and grinding my life is. They are all retired and enjoying the fruits of their labours. They are celebrating their holidays with their families creating beautiful memories. They are WANTED,.. they are LOVED,... they have families,... they have houses and cottages and vacations. Of course they can't comprehend poverty. Of course they don't believe me. They don't have the capacity to comprehend how miserable my life is being this poor. They have never lived it,... been in it,... or know anything about it. And to top it all off,... some of them have come right out and said I am here because of my own doing. Bad choices, etc,... and to this I say BULLSHIT! I did not ask to be disabled. I did not ask to be put in a position where I am unable to work. That was just lifes bad luck. But to have friends actually believe I have "put myself here" just infuriates me and furthur solidifies my thinking that they don't have a clue what it is like to not even have BASIC NEEDS. I go without multiple times in order to buy/replace something that is needed more. Whenever I have to buy soemthing unexpected, I have to give up something in the food budget to get it. FOOD is always my hardship. I have enough so I won't starve. But it's very slim pickings and not food that is good for you. Affordable food is usually pantry food. I rarely get fresh produce, etc,... Being on ODSP those things are only for the happy shiny people. My diet is horrible and I'm sure thats why I get sick so often. I don't get to eat food that is good for me,... only food that is boxed or processed.

Now that the cold weather is approaching I need to be stock-piling my cupboards as with a walker I can't walk to the stores once the snow arrives. So each year I stockpile as much as I can so I don't have to do as many trips to the store. But this year seems to be the hardest year yet and I just don't have an extra dime to stockpile anything. This has me worried. I have been stranded here without basic supplies before when the grounds were covered in snow and I couldn't get my walker through it. So now I am starting to panic. My cupboards are nearly bare right now. If we had another lockdown tomorrow ~ I would go hungry. I usually plan everything so well, that I know what I need 3 months in advance. But when you have no money at all?? You can't buy a thing. I am actually nervous for this winter that I will not be able to get enough supplies here over the cold snowy winter. 

I hate being alone. Just once I would love for someone to just come up to me and put their arms around me and let me have a safe place to just be,...