I don't have days and nights anymore. My life has been shrunken down to living in these four walls. I don't leave this unit much. It's just not worth it. That gossip (Tonya) down the hall makes my life unbearable. Her damn lies and gossip have made everyone dislike me. I don't even care anymore. I am so depressed and have given up. I closed all my blinds and curtains. My mattress is on the livingroom floor. I just live on my mattress now. Watching tv. Sometimes dozing off,... sometimes awake,... but nothing else to do. So I just lay in this pit of darkness and rot.
I want my children ~ but they don't want me.
I have no friends anymore. Just Becky. And I see her half a dozen times a year.
My life is over. It is 6;15 in the morning. I am still laying here on my mattress in the dark. My tv playing the same 6 or 7 shows over and over again while I shrivel up and disintigrate into nothing.
WHY AM I STILL WASTING SPACE AND BREATH?
I don't want to be here. I asked my family doctor to take me back so I can go through the MAiDs process but she sent a message back saying NO because you don't need a family doctor to do MAiDs. She is wrong. I called them. TWICE. to be sure. And you MUST have a family doctor to go through the process with. So she either is misinformed or she knows but just doesn't want to take me back. Either way the outcome is the same,
MAiDs is no longer available to me becasue my family doctor won't take me back. Story of my fcuking life. NO CHOICES. So now,... I HAVE to end my life myself. I just have to figure out how. Because living on the floor on a mattress watching tv in the dark day after day after day not even knowing if it's day or night is not a life.
The emotional pain of this existence is UNBEARABLE
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