Another seasonable day. Gray and overcast. The sky seems to be heaving down onto the landscape covering it in a slight fog, I wanted to walk to the grocery store today as i am getting low on some basics. But I will have to wait. My pain level is high today. I am taking longer than usual to just get going. My mind seems to be as downcast as the weather today.

I didn't see Hayley yesterday. I put a "Happy Birthday" post on Facebook in the morning. By dinner I hadn't heard from her so I texted her phone "Happy Birthday". She didn't even reply until after 10:00pm. I wanted to talk to her but she did her "avoidance" thing well. In the end,... I never got to see or talk to her at all. I hope she had a nice day.

As for me a veil of dark has descended around me. For the past year I have been fighting the Black fog. But today it is here,... dark and heavy,... Ever since I learned that MAiDs is no longer a choice for me I have given up. I know if i want to end my life ~ and I still do ~ then i am now going to have to do it by my own hand. And I find this very distressing. With MAiDs I could have had a pain-free exit with my daughter with me holding my hand. But now,... I will be forced to hide away and do it alone. how fitting that like my life ~ i will end up dying alone too,... This makes me really sad. Dying is a very intimate thing. It's going to be scary. And I was hoping to have a support system around me to help me through that. but no,... now I will be forced to stick a needle in my arm and poison my body with fentynl to the point I stop breathing. Someone will now have to be traumatized by finding me,... It is dfinitely NOT what I want. But as usual in this life,... I end up dealing by myself alone.

I was born into a family that didn't want me. I spent the majority of my 60 years on my own completely alone. And now it looks like I will be forced to die on my own as well. It makes me beg the question,... what the hell was my purpose here?? Because as far as I can see? It was to be an incubator to give babies to my ex husband and his wife while I was punished by not being allowed in their lives. I had babies so Jeff and Lorraine could be awesome parents and i spent my life alone,... THAT was my life. 

I seem to have a tortured soul,....