I just came in from outside. It's cold. the sky hangs heavy with a forboding grey darkness. I think snow is on the horizon. I am very unsettled today. There is nothing to do. I am pacing. I have watched tv,... and watched tv,... and watched tv,... and now I don't think I can watch one more second. But I look around at these four walls and I know there is nothing else to do. So I have been pacing. Trying to sit and concentrate on the tv but instead I find myself unable to keep any interest in the show. I've seen them all dozens of times. I can't find anything new I like.

Call the Midwife,... Big Bang Theory,... Greys Anatomy,... Modern family,... Coronation Street,... Young Sheldon,... Mom,... Ted Lasso,.... I play them in a loop. Over and over again. These shows are my only view of the outside world right now. These characters become comforting. Familiar. It's so sad to admit but they become like my family. I have very little interaction with the outside world anymore. I spend about 23 hours of my day cooped up inside my unit. I have no car to go anywhere. My legs don't always work so walking is hit and miss if I can do it or not. I try and keep busy with hobbies but they all cost $$$$$. In the end,... there is nothing. just TV and these four walls closing in around me.

Today I am numb. I went outside to vape. I was hoping the shock of the cold air would hit my face and shake out all the cobwebs. Usually a brisk outing in the elements does the trick to wake me up enough to get my day started. But not today. As I walk back from the gazebo a cold sleet falls. It leaves my face wet and cold. When I come back in I am grateful for the heat.

But it is only just after one o'clock in the afternoon. I need something to do. My mind craves something to occupy it. I look around but there is nothing. So I give in and flop on my chair and continue to watch mind-numbing shows over and over again. 

Today i am looking for a purpose to continue on. But I can't find one. My days are empty and I struggle to find anything to fill the endless hours of boredom. I have no purpose. I may as well just go back to bed. Such a dark and sad existence of nothing,....