I had a better day yesterday as the day went on. I managed to drag myself out of the pit ~ my mattress on the floor in the middle of the living room ~ and actually get into the shower. I shower every single day. With my OCD I cannot go two days in a row without a shower. I just feel gross. So showering is important to me. So if I am feeling so down and out that I can't even have a shower,... then I am not doing well at all. I thought yesterday was going to turn out to be one of those days. But by the middle of the afternoon I managed to crawl into the shower and from there I was able to start my day ~ albeit at 4 in the afternoon. But in my life,... better late than never getting out of bed at all.

But I haven't been feeling well the past few months. I feel weak. I just don't have the strength in my body that I used to. I don't know if this is a fibromyalgia sympton or if something else is wrong. I have to wonder if it's my heart. I am 60 now. My body has been deteriorating for awhile now. I have lost a lot of mobility and my pain has gotten worse. But lately the problem seems to be my strength. I have found myself getting out of breath. I have felt my heart have palpatations. (galloping beats) So it makes sense to me that my heart is probobly getting old and wearing out. I suppose it happens to all of us eventually. I think not being as active as I used to be plays a part as well. I used to LOVE walking. hiking. But of course with my pain and loss of mobility over the past few years i haven't been able to enjoy that. It has left me sedate. I hate being still. And i think my body needs much more exercise but I am just not able to do that anymore. So it is effecting my body.

I have also had numbness and tingling in my whole right arm. i don't believe it is heart related (although that is a sympton to some) i beleieve it is torn rotartor cuff issues. I still have two torn rotator cuffs that are qutie painful and limit the use of my arms. I cannot lift my arms above breast level making it difficult to do the simpliest of things like dressing. It makes it quite painful. But now I think a nerve has been pinched or something as now my arm is almost always pins and needles which as you can imagine is quite bothersome. It prevents me from doing a lot. Just pushing my walker causes my whole arm to go numb. But with no doctor comes no help,...

Speaking of doctors I have been turned down my Dr. R** for my MAiDs which NEEDS me to have a family doctor to even START the MAiDs process. Without one,... no MAiDs. I am still FURIOUS that yeat another choice has been taken from me due to the decision of someone else. It just seems too many people have control over my existence. Dr Ray could have said yes and made my life a lot easier and allow me to finally end my suffering. But her NO means my life will now be years and years of struggling and suffering. All be3casue SHE had the POWER and CONTROL over me to decide. And she choose no so I suffer with the consequences of that decision.

well all I can say to that is,... Fine,... But don't go all legal and right on me when I end my own life. I TRIED to go the proper and legal route,... but if you read this whole blog you will see I hit road blocks at every single turn. And now,... it's not even available to me at all. All becaseu one doctor said no. when she could have been a descent hiuman being and said yes.

Anyway,.. back to speaking about Doctors. I haven't been feeling well. I'm pretty sure I still have shingles as the itch is unbearable. So I finally broke down and went to the walk in clinic to see a doctor. But he said NO I dont' have shingles as he couldnt see a rash. But I still think I do. The rash comes and goes,... He ordered a full blood work for me which I was relieved about as I still worry I am diabetic or something. But guess what? If you don't have a family doctor,... they have noone to send the results to and no one is able to read them for you. I mean why can't they just send them to the walkin doctor???? HE is the one who ordered them,... But apparently this is not how it works so in the end they gave me the link to the results at the lab. I looked them up but I'm not a doctor,... i worked in a medical office so the tests look familiar to me,... but I can't read the results and know if they are normal or not,... In the end,... I have no idea what my results show. So it was all just a waste of time. And it also told me that in the future,... not to bother going to the walkin as they dont'complete your visit. they don't follow through and look at and call you your results. WHY? When i worked for York Medical way back in the day, I worked for three different walk-in clinics in Newmarket and Aurora. We always took care of blood work and results. We had the doctor sign off on every single test and then we called every single patient with the results. So why doesn't THIS clinic in Fergus do the same? Becasue without that ~ I have no idea what my blood work says. So in the end going to the doctor was a complete waste of my time. And now I know I really do not have medical care at all that is worthwhile. The only way i will get the results of what is wrong with me is to get so sick I will end up in the ER. Ontario Medical has deteriorated so badly that if you don't have a family doctor you will not get the needed care you need. I am one of the ones who fall into that catagory now.

I no longer get proper medical care in this province. Proof  ~ I am unwell right now but even seeking medical attention I still did not receive proper medical help. I was looked over,... and I'm sure I'm not the only one in this province suffering. That is down to Doug Ford and the Ontario Government. 

So I am not well. SOMETHING is wrong with me. but I will never know what until it kills me. Thank you Ontario for you caring in my health. NOT!!!!!!!