I have woken up way too early. 5;00, My mornings are not nice anymore. When I wake up now, I am in the middle of something in my head. And I am upset. It's weird. This morning I woke up already frustrated becasue I know I have 12 to 15 hours of NOTHING ahead of me but I will have to find ways to fill that time. But there is NOTHING TO DO to fill up those hours. 

The other thing playing on my mind thismorning is the two people on this floor that have made my life difficult. Tonya and Darren. It started by me not having enough blankets to put on the mattress on my living room floor. I have my bed back in my bedroom but there is no tv in there. So in times like now where I am in pain a lot I spend a great deal of my day in bed. So I bring this mattress topper out to the livingroom and I sleep out there so I atleast have the tv to occupy the long hours of my empty day. But I dont' have enough blankets. I USED to but i have given a lot of them to Darren ~ the kid down the hall. When I first met him he had NOTHING. And over the couple of years that I knew him I gave him so much to help him out. An old desk,... a huge tapestry (which I still loved and wanted to keep but he NEEDED it to seperate his room??) He has my coffee maker,...my cat carrier,... comforters,... a boom box (CD/radio) A Manchester United sweatshirt (which is not only worth money but i LOVED it but will never get) I even bought this kid socks. I don't know how he felt about our relationship but I felt like a Mom to him. And we I saw he has so little I enjoyed helping him out. When I like someone it makes me happy to help them. And over the time I knew him I gave him a LOT!  I also gave TONYA the gossip down the hall a lot too. When I first moved here I did the same with her, But after two years of nothing ever coming badk to me I stopped giving to her. She ended up with a 10 speed bike!! a mattress!  and those are just two I can think of off hand.

So when I say that I have never met this breed of people before I mean it. Before I moved into Ontario Housing the people I lived by i had no problems with. For 50 years I got along with all my neighbours. But as soon as I moved here,... people just saw new blood with a full apartment of stuff to "borrow". I can almost picture Tonya rubbing her hands together saying "OHHHHH new person,... I wonder what I can get off of her,..." In the end,.. both of them took me for half of my apartemnt.

But heres the thing,.. I am frustrated that I need half these things back now but will never get. I will end up having to spend money to replace them. My cat carrier especially. And the comforter and blankets I will now need to go out and buy mre of,... But helping people is part of who I am (or was when I was still in a position to help) Right now I feel angry and think I will never help another person ever again,... But,... I don't want this attitude. I enjoy giving people if I am able to. I don't want to have to say no because I may get taken advantage of. I would like to think I would give again if someone needed,... But now I am leary. These two people I helped ended up making my life miserable. BOTH of them forgot just how much I helped them. BOTH Tonya and Darren did not appreciate my help ONE BIT! They just took as much as they could get off of me before I realized and stopped the giving. And when I stopped the friendship they both came after me. Gossip gossip gossip and now I don't think there is one person in this building who likes me. becasue therse two sore losers decided that if I end the friendship they will both make my life a misery. AND THEY HAVE. 

So I woke up this morning cold needing another blanket but knowing it was at Darens house. And this seemed to trigger this feeling of frustration before I was even awake. And i am finding this a lot now. I wake up upset or frustrated or even angry. It's not healthy. But my life is just so one-sidded. Too much hassle, pain, poverty and people taking from me and no positives. nothing on the other side to balance out these negatives.

And so today,.. I sit here at 7"30 ion the morning and all I want to do is die. I just don't know if I can face another day of complete BOREDON. My mind is turning to mush. i cn'at stand the NOTHINGNESS of my life anymore. I lay in bed - cold - and my mind just went how can I finallly end this miserable life?? And that is where I am now. I am sitting here with nothing to do and it's not even eight o'clock yet. What the hell am I going to do to pass the ime today?? So my mind goes wehre it goes a lot lately,... how can I end my life today? I literally sit here and think of ways to kill myself that are the least painful. Fentynmyl is on top of the list but getting it has proven to be difficult. i am not a drug addict so I don't know the first thing about how to buy it off the streets. I think of jumping into the Elora Gorge. But it is a LOOOOOONG way down and it is extremely scary. i know because I have stood at the top of it and contemplated jumping but in the end was too afraid. But now I am getting desperate. maybe just getting so drunk I can't feel and then goind at night - or better yet - when it's foggy and I can't see the bottom. Then I can jump. I think of walking infront of a truck but I don't want to involve another person. (Too traumatizing for them afterwards). But this is how serious and desperate I am to end this misery called my life.

I am very unsettled today. i don't know what today will end up bringing,.....